And then he went on a holiday with OW.

Damn, he beat me to it.......I wanted it, but I am still sad.

Just got done talking to you...........I am sooooo sad for you, my friend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I will be here to lend my shoulder when ever you need it.

c++_guy

Nina -

Don't beat yourself up about it. Maybe this way you can save on some legal fees - if that's possible. You can also see what his game plan is from his petition. And you can also put whatever you were going to put in your petition in your answer.

I know that this whole thing just sucks. I just had to change attorneys, so I feel like I'm starting all over again.

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

K

Sorry Nina,

No matter how it happens--it still hurts. Know that we are here for you....Pat

Jacky,

I love it - he files then goes on holiday. Just shows even more how much of a [censored] he is.

It just makes me so angry when they do these things... but I know I would/will be sad when it happens to me. I'm sorry you are sad... but he doesn't deserve to lick the ground you walk on.

Take care,
Gabrielle

Well, my friends,

It is 1.30am in the morning where I live and I am thankful for my friends at MB. I also have a couple of friends in the real world who have kept me on track tonight. I am ambivalent on my feelings. Glad to be rid of him, but really sad to have been rejected, too. I know in my heart I am better than this, but DAMN, it still hurts.

It hurts because he has never made the big decisions before, EVER, so I know it is HER pushing him from behind. If he had just left because of our marital problems we may have had a chance, but he just had to hook up with Ms NLP expert (that is a form of brainwashing for you novices - look it up on the net) and so I never had a chance. Well, I didn't want a chance, anyway, but somehow this final rebuttal from him just really hurts.

I had a couple of friends here help me get through the night, and I had VB guy alias c++ guy get me throught the afternoon. So I am blessed. I know not everyone has the same opinion of me as my stbx does, but I am still feeling the repurcussions of his influence, especially now.

Please help me get throught this bad time in my life. I know it is the weekend, but if anyone can just offer a few words, I would be grateful.

Love and light,

Jacky

<small>[ August 09, 2002, 10:31 AM: Message edited by: Nina too ]</small>

Jacky,

You are a wonderful person. You deserve better than a man who is too gutless to make his own decisions. You deserve an equal partner who is going to live up to his word when he makes a commitment to you.

Try to do something nice for yourself over the weekend... get a manicure or a pedicure or a massage... go do something completely silly with your kids...

Take care of yourself.

Hugs,
Gabrielle

Nina too- I have read many of your posts and you seem so strong and I know you will make it - but the reality of the situation just sometimes suck... It is sad that when you get married forever - then someone betrays you and sends you into a tailspin - Life is to short we all deserve to be loved and if they the WS don't want our love then you know what that is there loss - You hold your head up high and do something fun and exciting to make you feel good...

J-

I'm sorry for you..... and YEA! for you. I know it's kinda bitter-sweet. But at least you realize and can see that you (and the rest of the family) will be better off in the long run.

I haven't kept up much lately, but I hope that you're doing well otherwise. Go and do something nice for yourself; you deserve it!

As a wise person once told me, "Love and Light!"

Kev

it hurts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , no matter what but knowing there is someone behind them pushing it, makes it harder to bear. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

hugs to you Jacky, hoping tommorrow/today for you is better.

Jacky,

Your post touched me deeply.

I identify with what you are saying. In more ways than one.

My W has told me she's filing for the D next month (or so she says, she's been saying it for months).

I want it in a way but in a way I don't. I posted on here a few months ago that I had had it and was going to divorce her. She seemed quite happy to hear it.

After contemplating for awhile I decided I wasn't going to do that and told her. She was very angry when I told her.I figure she decided to cheat and leave without any warning and she should proceed. I'm sure she saw that as me trying to mess with her but I am only going with my conscience.

I have no doubt she will do it, but I know I have done my best, as have you.

Oh yeah, she's gone on two vacations this Summer with OM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hang in there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I apologize for not being as eloquent as the others in here, just saying I know the day I do get the papers I'll feel more thrown in the trash than I already do.

(((((((((((((((JACKY)))))))))))))))))

Jacky,

Just wanted you to kinow that I saw you post and that I care that you are hurting so much. I will light a candle and say a prayer for your heart.

Keep the faith, RMA

Thank you everyone for your kind words. It means so much to me and that is why I still come here every day. I guess it was just my turn to be the bearer of bad news this weekend.

I had a fitful night, and I am tired today. I need distracting, but I can't even go anywhere because the car is overheating and I am getting it looked at on Monday. So I am restricted to five minute drives around here, which doesn't leave much.

Therapy for me has been cleaning. UGH, I know, but it seems to clear my mind as well as the mess, lol. I am currently going through all the kids toys, getting rid of old or broken ones, and sorting them back to where they should be. Ever had to sort the lego from the Barbie accessories? Very VERY mind numbing, which is what I need right now. And also rather symbolic of my life, when you come to think of it.

I am looking at this logically today, and I see that nothing significantly changed with his filing. We are apart and will be forever, and I am fine with that. A piece of paper is only physical evidence of what was going to happen anyway. I am dealing with it, just like I have dealt with everything else in this mess. That he can actually divorce me while he is overseas and doesn't have to FACE a judge, just makes me sick, however.

One good friend talked to me last night, and made me realise that I AM strong, else I wouldn't have gotten this far. Geez, when I look back and see what I had to do because of him and his OW, I do see the same old resilience of character I USED to have before being with HIM. It is back again, and for that I am thankful.

When I first posted a profile, my quote was something my Dad told me all the years I was growing up When the going gets tough, the tough get going." I guess I am living that one again.

Thanks again for your support, everyone.

Love and light,

Jacky

((((((((((((((Jacky)))))))))))))))

I know what you're going through, except I haven't had to sort out Barbie toys from legos yet, the baby is still too young for Barbies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Seriously, what is there to say, except that remember that we're all going through a grieving process and the only way to heal is to work through the pain. I personally would like a short cut around the pain, but it's not the way it works.

Let yourself have those down moments, because it is really a tragedy what we're going through. But then remind yourself that you're mourning the end of the marriage, the dream, and that you are really better off without someone who at this time is not a good person to have around either you or your kids. We really do deserve better, and the more I look back on my marriage, the more I see how Ex wasn't half the person I thought her was. HE had potential, yes, but he never even came close to reaching it. In fact IMO, he went down instead of up.

It is probably a good thing that you are in two different countries. That way you don't have to deal with him on a daily basis - that would make it much worse, trust me. It also means that you don't have to see OW around either.

Really try to do something positive and uplifting for you this weekend. We have so much to offer our children and others. Focus on the success stories of the people on this board, who write back how much happier they are a few years after the divorce, and how in pretty much most of the cases, they's found someone else. Someone else who is better in all respects.

It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, even I can't see it for myself yet, but I trust that it is there, and that God is leading me to it, as He's leading you.

K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nina too:
<strong> "The darkest hour is just before dawn." - Emmylou Harris song
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was with hope and prayer that I followed your story, from when you lived in South Africa until now. I will continue to pray for you, as well as others on these Boards. I know God will honour what you've done, being strong and the BIGGER PERSON. Your EX may think things are peachy-keen now, but... "Every Dog has his day" and 'his day' is coming... Took me awhile to see it happen to my EW, but it's happened, and continues to happen... Take heart, you are NOT alone!
One last thing, please.
What, what IS the name of that EmmyLou Harris song you quoted part of awhile back, "C'Est La Vie, you never can tell, the old folks say" something like that. It's driving me batty trying to figure it out!!
Thanks, and God bless.
Harold <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

GIIC,

Thank you for being here with me at this time. I am getting there, but you are right, I do need to grieve the marriage. I don't seem to allow myself to do much thinking about it all these days, which is why it hit me so hard, I guess. Your warm words encouraged my heart.

LuvDatBaby, you must have been lurking for a long time to have read about me leaving South Africa. That was the most difficult thing I had to do, but I did it. It gives me strength to remember that. I also agree that he will get what he deserves. And thank you both for the prayers, I will pray for you too.

The song I was referring to is called You Never Can Tell (C'est La Vie) written by Chuck Berry, - you know it, the first words are "It was a teenage wedding and the old folks wished them well" and she does it rockabilly style on her Profile Album, my favourite. It is about a happy outcome, but I thought the phrase "C'est la vie" fitted my life at the time.

Love and light,

Jacky

Nina - Going through this divorce is going to be hard. I listen to music, and when you hear sad stories about love that diminishes, the hurt the spouse causes is so heart wrenching. I used to cry when I saw on TV or listen to the christian program about betrayed spouses. Trust not a factor in your spouse. There will come a time that you can really look at these issues with different eyes. I now am listening to these issues with different eyes.

Yes the pain is real, will be for awhile. The pain will have different stages, just like grieving does. There is so much emotional baggage that comes with divorce, it is unbelievable.

You have one aspect of him being in another country. You don't have to deal with him on a daily basis. This is hard, I still am having to deal with my stbx on a daily basis. I was not able to grieve the loss of my marriage, as well as the loss of my father. Stbx was around all the time, and losing control and going ballistic. Your situation is sort of complete, he is there and you are here. The contact will be very little. Yes, for him to file is a degrading matter. The one thing that is positive in you filing first is going to the judge. They look at you as the plaintiff. The one who decided to take the plunge and move on.

Remember to do things for yourself. I am doing what you are doing, cleaning and getting the place organized. For 24 years, I have lived with my stbx disorganizational pattern. He knows that I am good at organizational skills. I am good at paperwork. So clean, organize everything, take time for a hot bath at night, do your own manicure and pedicure if you have no money. Rent a good movie for the late night, do things for yourself. I am a caregiver, and seems that is all I have done for the last 24 years, cared for stbx and kids. I hardly ever put myself first. I realize that this was a mistake in myself. I should of done things for myself once in awhile. I should of gone shopping with my friends, and told stbx I need time to be with friends, please could you watch the kids for x amount of hours on a specific day. Now you can take time for yourself. Have you ever thought about getting a bike and going bike riding. A way of getting around faster than walking, and the breeze feels good on your face. There are biking clubs, and this would be a good way to meet other people with similar interests. I am trying to get a good bike, and am looking into joining a bike club. Also, if you have the money, join a gym. Another good way to get in shape, and meet other people. That is what my stbx is doing, he joined a gym, and I am not in a gym. Because of the physical injury he did to my body. Plus I can't afford it. If you like to cook, you can join a cooking class in your area. Or quilting class, my sister in-law is in a quilting class. There are quite a bit of classes around that are not too expensive, and you can meet new people. Get a local paper and find things that are fun to do. This is a time to rejuvenate yourself. Rejuvenate yourself for a better mommy, a beautiful woman, a wonderful mind.

Good luck, we are here for you, it will get better later. But remember the most important person right now is you. You have your offspring to take care of. So you need to be a better person for your offspring and yourself. Prayers are with you.

Dear Nina,

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry! I still remember how awful I felt the day my STBXH told me he wanted a divorce. Even if you are expecting it, it makes you feel like you have been hit by a bus. Two days later he replaced our wedding band with a tacky little gold band she
gave him, before the divorce paperwork was even filed.

I am the one who ended up having to file for divorce because I couldn't take the waffling and the procrastination any more. I was physically nauseated filling out the paperwork. Likewise, the times I have had to go for court hearings, I was nauseated all day long. But, as everyone says, it does get better with time and emotional distance.

I would like to share with you two comments by friends of mine who have also been through divorces. They helped me a lot. First, "you have dodged a bullet". Second, "He will never change. He will cause emotional abuse to OW also. One day OW will wake up and have a VERY bad day."

Take care of yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nina too:
<strong>GIIC,

LuvDatBaby, you must have been lurking for a long time to have read about me leaving South Africa. That was the most difficult thing I had to do, but I did it. It gives me strength to remember that. I also agree that he will get what he deserves. And thank you both for the prayers, I will pray for you too.

The song I was referring to is called You Never Can Tell (C'est La Vie) written by Chuck Berry, - you know it, the first words are "It was a teenage wedding and the old folks wished them well" and she does it rockabilly style on her Profile Album, my favourite. It is about a happy outcome, but I thought the phrase "C'est la vie" fitted my life at the time.
Love and light,
Jacky</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Jacky! Thanks - NOW I remember that song, I do appreciate it. Yes, I 'lurk' on the Boards some, my Situation is about the same with my EW (right Abbreviations? Ex Wife) and kidz, they hate me because they've been brainwashed. At least, thank the Lord, you have yours with you. You do not seem to be the kind of person to slam your ex to them constantly - so there's hope that maybe your kids can have a decent relationship with your EH, if such a thing is possible. Yes, I do feel for you, as well as so many others on these boards. I wish I could come in and fix everything, but I never can, and I know God has plans for all of us. I was so down and out when I first separated, and it took me almost 2 years to fully recover - add to that my EW has harrassed me every year with some more BS demands of hers. My kids wrote me hateful letters telling me what a lousey Dad and how I was always a Liar, didn't care if they were dead, etc. yadda yadda yadda - basically they parroted their Mother to the letter.
BUT, God has worked things out for me - I have learned to live without any of them in my life and He blessed me with a very sweet Christian woman who is the exact opposite of what my EW was. I know He has plans for so many Betrayed Spouses, although it seems like right now, things really SUCK, but they WILL get better. Keep your head up, Jacky, and I'm passing a little 'LOVE & LIGHT' right back at ya!
Harold <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thank you friends, once again. Means so much to me.

From crytoomuch:

"The one thing that is positive in you filing first is going to the judge. They look at you as the plaintiff. The one who decided to take the plunge and move on.'

CTM, I wanted to file for divorce because I believed it would give him a statement from me - enough is enough - and I even filled out the paperwork in July. Reading through the instructions I came across a clause that meant I could not file. I am not an Australian citizen, though I have lived here nearly all my life. Because of this, I could not file in July because I had been out of the country with HIM, and had not yet been back here a year. My lawyer said I could fight that ruling, but it was more money and trouble, and I only had to wait until September...then he beat me too it.

From chenille:

"Even if you are expecting it, it makes you feel like you have been hit by a bus."

Exactly, and thank you for your kind words. I know it will get better.

from LuvDatBaby:

"You do not seem to be the kind of person to slam your ex to them constantly - so there's hope that maybe your kids can have a decent relationship with your EH, if such a thing is possible."

I take great pains NOT to slam him to the kids, though I am human and the temptation is always there. I was the child of an unhappy marriage and subject to tirades from both parents about the other....no it is not a good thing to do, and I truly feel for you in your situation. I do not believe for a second your kids hate you....they are writing in anger, and you can't be angry at someone you don't care about.

Thanks again everyone for looking in on me, I need it and appreciate it so much. Sometimes in the real world, where people have not been through this, they just do not understand. My best friend seemed somewhat surprised at my reaction to stbx's filing...first words were something like "But you knew he would do that...." She was supportive, just that one statement made me realise that she didn't truly understand this thing, not like you guys do.

What would I do without this place?

Love and light,

Jacky