i have been married for a year and 3 months. ever since we got back from or honeymoon we have constantly got into arguments! i want to have a strong relationship with Christ, but how can I if i don't love my husband. i mean i love him i am just not in love with him... i am at the end of my rope... never thought i 'd think about divorce.. but it is all i think about now!

<small>[ August 09, 2002, 08:37 AM: Message edited by: ang2 ]</small>

just a question...... Why did you get married? (and list every reason that you can think of)

ang2,

I'm sorry that you have those feelings toward your H.

Would it help you to know that what you are feeling is not especially out of the ordinary and that it doesn't mean the end of your marriage?

Please read the info. on this site, especially the info. about the love bank, as well as His Needs Her Needs by Harley.

Once you do that, you will probably be able to identify what is really going on in your marriage to make you feel the way you do. Have you been spending at least 15 hours a week with your spouse? Are you getting your needs met? Are you meeting his needs? If the answer is no to either of those questions then of course you are going to feel the way that you do.

Be assured that you can be in love even more than you ever were with your husband and not have to go through the painful event of a divorce. Believe me, divorces are awful, no matter how amicable the parties are.

Also, post on the Emotional Needs board if you have specific quesitons about how to meet your spouse's emotional needs and how he can meet yours.

You will want to go to the questionaires on this site - especially the emotional needs one and have you adn your spouse fill it out, after reading His Needs Her Needs.

THERE IS HOPE! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE IN AN UNHAPPY MARRIAGE! YOU CAN HAVE THE MARRIAGE OF YOUR DREAMS!

Just read the info. and see what you think.

Counseling with one of the counselors either Steve or Jennifer is also well worth the money - for it's alot cheaper and easier than a divorce.

Hope this helps.

K

i got married b/c i was afraid to be alone! it ws for love too.i was scared to tell my parents...him especially..

thank you god is in control and elan for responding... it means so much!!! i am not sure how to use this thing!!!

I am new to this board. I was looking around for marriage help and came across this website. I am in the same boat as Ang2, kind of. I have been married for almost a year, and my husband is ready to separate. I do not want to. I am totally against divorce, unless there is drugs or abuse involved. I wasn't raised to just walk away from something when the going gets tough. We haven&#8217;t even been married long enough to really give our marriage a chance. We saw a counselor once a couple of months ago, and I am going again tomorrow-by myself. He refuses to go. I do not know what to do, what I have done wrong, and where to go from here. I want to salvage our marriage. But I can't do it all by myself. We have problems, but doesn't everybody. I am not ready or willing to give up. He has threatened to do this before, but this time I think he is being for real. He is even talking about selling the house. Can some one please give me some help or insight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Ang2- "i have been married for a year and 3 months. ever since we got back from or honeymoon we have constantly got into arguments! i want to have a strong relationship with Christ, but how can I if i don't love my husband. i mean i love him i am just not in love with him... i am at the end of my rope... never thought i 'd think about divorce.. but it is all i think about now!"

I have some questions for you:

1- why did you marry in the first place (really)-how can you marry and make those vows)with a man don't love??
2- why do you argue now? what has changed to where you all of a sudden now argue?
3- what are the arguments about?
4- surely you must have left something out of this story, because otherwise I hae to say I feel very badly for your husband

LShip- it takes to to tango in a marriage. It sounds like you are intent on making your marriage work. The question is - is your husband. If you are intent on saving your marriage I'd quickly seek intervention/help before it is too late. Perhaps a counseling session with the Harley's over the phone. I think that would have worked for me had I reacted sooner. Anyway, the challenge for you will likely be in getting your husband to be receptive to working on it at all. You ayve to get creative. Perhaps eople on this board have some ideas in gettings "the lost ones" to try cunseling or whatever. Good luck!

Thanks for the response Jack. I am trying to get help. He refuses to go. I am going to see someone this afternoon, and he said he would not go. He said he doesn't want help or want this marriage to work. He said he has had his feel of this and he is getting out. I don't what else to do. I have tried every possibility. I told him I wanted to start over and put the past behind us, and he said "NO". Neither of us has ever cheated or had intentions to. This has been going on since we got married, but the last couple of months have been really bad. We don't even sleep in the same bed most nights. He works swing shifts and has been on nights all week, since Monday-so we haven't seen each other at all this week except when he is coming in, in the mornings and I am leaving. He doesn't want to talk to me about anything because he is tired and ready to go to bed. Tonight is the first night I am going to be home with him. I want to talk to him so bad. What do I say? What do I do? I don't want this to turn into an argument or he will leave the house and not come back until I am asleep. That is what he did Last week. He left and didn't come home until 12:30 the next afternoon, I stayed up until 7 am waiting on him to come home. I was worried sick about him. When he left the house he wasn't even really mad at me. He went to family's house to "go out to eat", and never came home. I know he was there because I rode by there the next morning and saw his truck. How can I get him to stay in the marriage and not give up? I have prayed about it and am seeking help, and nothing seems to work. Is it worthless for me to try? Am I too late? I don't want to go through this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

LShip-

My guess is that there is another woman involved at this time. Probably right now a lot of things or behaviors he has do not ad up to you. Input another woman into the equation and things may make a bit more sense. I'd look into counseling for yourself. Unfortunatelythere is no magic word to get him to take you up on the offer of counseling. Perhaps you can bargain with him on a non-emotional issue. I dunno- all I do know is that you can make your intentions known (and you should), remind him of the day he proposed, but likely he sounds past that. Remember you can lead a horse to water, but can'tt make him drink. In the mean time CONCENTRATE ON THINGS YOU CAN CONTROL protect your rights and financial situation the best you can in case it goes sour, visit with past friends and family, read some self-help books, go to the mall, re-discover life and overall keep yourself busy. GOOD LUCK!!!

I know for a fact he is not cheating on me. He works all the time, and I know his schedule. He works swing shifts, and loves his job-so I know he is not skipping work. When he is not at work, he is home sleeping. I know that he is not taking anyone out because, he doesn't have the money too, and that is one of our biggest problems. The only other place he goes is his sister's and one of his good friend&#8217;s houses. I have even drove past places to make sure he was where he said he was. He doesn't have the money to be spending on another woman either. I just don't understand why he won't talk to me or consider working through this. Our anniversary is coming up and it is going to be so hard to spend it alone. I tried and tried to talk to him all weekend, but it didn&#8217;t work. His sister called about 8:00 Friday night and he went over there, and came home about 11:30. I forced my self to go to bed in the other room, just so I wouldn't "bother" him when he got home. On Saturday. He left that morning to go get his hair cut and go to the gym. He was coming in as I was leaving to go shopping. I tried to speak to him and he blew me off. When I got home he had left to go to his sister's because his mom was coming in town, and they were all doing something together. I of course was not invited. I went to my parent for my dad's birthday, and came home early. I had all sorts of friend calling trying to get me to go out with them, but I stayed home. I didn't want to do anything else to push his buttons. I went to sleep I our bed. I woke up at 2:30, and he wasn't in the bed. I walked down the hall and he was asleep in the spare bedroom. The next morning I paced the floor until he woke up, and tried to talk to him and find out where he went the night before. He didn't want to talk to me. He told me how miserable he was with me and how he wanted out. His sister called and he went there to tell his mom goodbye. My mom called me about 4:00 and forced me to leave the house. I got ready and she picked me up. We passed him leaving my neighborhood. When I got home my mom came in and tried to talk to him, and he blew her off. I tried. Anyway- sorry this is getting really long. All night I tried and he screamed. I finally left for about and hour and came back. I tried more. I actually slept in the bed last night with him. Of course we didn't touch. And now he is at work until 6:30 tonight. What do I do when he comes home? DO I try? Can I get through to him? I told him I would do anything to make it work, and he says "it's too late", "I don't want it to work".
HELP ME <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know what you are feeling right now. I was/am there myself.

Unfortunately my husband and I have decided Separtaion/Divorce is best for us. I got some good advice on the board here and that was to read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. It really helped me clear my thinking and calm down.

Hope you find the help you need right now.

Thanks for the response Sue. I actually responded to you on another post. I read your story and I guess it is different. You have been married a long time. I know that has to be very hard. At least he is considering seeing you and working it our in a year or so. Mine want even talk about that. At least we are still living in the same house. I guess it is just a matter of time thought. Do you think there is still a chance? I am soo miserable. All I do is cry and it takes so much energy to get dressed in the morning. I am making myself sick. How do I get through to him? Do I leave him alone or continue to try? I am stuck. I love him and want my marriage to work.

Lship- gotcha.. i feel bad for you for sure. just remember all you can do is relay your feelings, and try to be patient, but most of all protect yourself. the ball is really in his court at this time in terms of if you guys are going to maybe make it. in the mean time concentrate on "Plan A'ing" and see how that goes. Also get outside and visit friends or family, go on ahike or something.. the world is still big and beautiful.. good luck, Jack