I WAS ADVISED TO READ PAST POSTS BY EITHER OF YOU REGARDING MY PROBLEM. UNABLE TO RETRIEVE PAST POSTS. HERE'S PROBLEM.<P>I recently found out about my husband's affair with my next door neighbor. My husband admits that he still has deep feelings for this woman, but wants to make our marriage work. The "OW" is married also and she has told me also that she wants to make her marriage work. Her husband doesn't know. Anyway, I need advise on how to help my husband get over this woman. He can't help but see her. She lives next door. He says that he loves me and knows that I mean the world to him. Says he can't live without me, but can't get her out of his head. I'd appreciate your insight. Thanks<P>------------------<BR>

Hi AMHARRISON,<P>I believe I've read your previous posts. Your story sounds familiar...<P>Freedom only posts very rarely nowadays. Too bad, cuz he was a good source of wisdom. I'm a faint shadow of him as far as advice goes. Maybe if he sees his name in the subject line, he'll respond.<P>The main problem with your situation is the close proximity of the OW. The best way for your husband to forget about her is to have absolutely no contact (as I'm sure you already know). The Harleys would probably recommend that you move. However I realize that's a pretty drastic step.<P>But anyway, I see encouraging signs from your husband. 1) He wants to stay with you, not run away. 2) He says you mean the world to him. These two things say to me that you should have a very positive outlook for your future together. And I'm not just saying that. I'm serious. But it's gonna take a BUNCH of patience on both your parts (but especially you!).<P>As I'm sure you're aware, you're husband is experiencing withdrawal right now. He has decided to end contact with the OW. But she is like an addiction to him. And stopping cold turkey is VERY hard. He is in alot of pain. Those times that he is distant or cold or withdrawn are very normal. He's depressed, confused, feeling hopeless about the future... all that stuff. It's important not to love-bust at these moments. Sure, it's tearing you up that he's probably thinking about the OW, but don't explode on him. You want him to have nothing but nice thoughts of you. Believe me, this helps tremendously towards helping forget about the OW.<P>Try not to be discouraged by his actions (easier said than done, I know!). I think this has got to be the hardest thing for a person in your position. You husband has terribly hurt you by the affair, and yet you have to act like you're all loving and caring. I don't know how some people can do it.<P>The fact that the OW lives next door and your husband will probably be bumping into him all the time will make the withdrawal much longer than it would be otherwise. Maybe you guys should come up with a plan that you both agree upon.<P>Something like:<BR>1) Avoid any situations where it will seem likely you will meet up with OW. Make up whatever excuse possible.<BR>2) Your husband should tell you whenever he sees OW. Any chance contact at all. (no love-busting when he tells you either, or else he'll stop telling you).<BR>3) Obviously, if you are friends with the couple, that friendship cannot continue. Yeah, it may seem weird to the OW's husband because he doesn't know, but this is too important for your marriage.<BR>4) Be as detailed as you can, for instance -- mow the lawn at such and such time because that's when she's not home. Etc.<P>I'm just throwing stuff out here... I don't really know your full story, but if your husband is really willing to make it work, he should agree to work out a plan with you that will help him get over her. Hopefully it can be a "team" effort. <P>Really, the two most important things are TIME and PATIENCE. Good luck! I don't know how much this post helps you. If you have any other specific questions and I can relate my experiences with you, don't hesitate to ask!<P>--andy

MOVE - <P>It is the best thing to do to help him gt over her. It is a pain to do, but worth it in the long run!<P>

Airheart- Thanks for responding. I will take your advice and try not to lovebust. Regarding moving that is not an option. We just purchased our home 2 years ago and are not in the financial position to just up and go. My husband was seeing this woman for a very short time and because they are both married spent very little time together. I really don't understand this great love he has for her. I guess it is not important for me to understand, but it boggles my mind. How could he be with me for 17 years share so much, claim that he loves me and yet at the drop of a hat fall in love with someone else. Can you explain?<P>Anita<P>------------------<BR>

AMHARRISON,<P>Actually I think it probably IS important for you to understand, but it will be very hard to figure out (maybe even for him as well!). <P>I don't know that I could explain why he fell in love so quickly. They have lots of stuff in common? She's very attractive to him? She makes him feel "manly"? I dunno. You'd have to ask him. In my case, the OW and I had lot of stuff in common. My hobbies and interests were very much in line with hers. I also enjoyed her intellect and sense of humor. We were pretty close friends before I ever felt anything romantic for her.<P>Um... have you both filled out the emotional needs and love-busters questionnaires? After filling those out, you might gain some insight as to why he felt the pull of someone else. Some lovebusters and emotional needs are deeply hidden though, and sometimes it takes councelling to find them. Are you two going to councelling?<P>--andy