Ok so I just got home from my daughters play and stbxh was there - we have been having alot of disagreements between each other lately... I checked my mail and in the mailbox was a letter from my lawyer with a court date for September 18 @2:00 it is an uncontested divorce - I think who knows - Lately he has been like flying off the handle telling me I am keeping the kids from him which I am not he just has to now find time between his schedule and theirs to see them. I never really wanted this divorce - I am still not sure why we are getting it - other than I cannot live with the lies, the stories all of the crap that he has put me through for 10 months. He says that he wants this divorce this is what he wants - He says no reason why - other than he wants to just be able to do what he wants when he wants etc... He also thinks because he cheated on me and lied to me that no one is ever gonna like him again - and he says that I will never trust him that is why we are getting divorced... I don't know if I should be happy that this chapter is coming to an end - Is it time for me to finally let go and stop worrying about my search for the truth of the affair or affairs.... Do I just say ok you are so far lost in that fog that this is what is best??? How do I make myself ok with all of this???? Is there a life after this divorce??? Will I finally be happy???? You remember happy??? Instead of tortured - Is anyone happy after their divorce ??? Even though they didn't want it???

maw64 - can't answer the ?'s about happy after divorce. I am going through one now, and my stbx is doing the same as you. Blaming me for the disolvement of the marriage. Just stated today in the lawyers office, that I am responsible for more than 50%. Makes you wonder who you are. I guess he was a super husband. Then if he was we wouldn't be here. Why didn't I feel like I was special. He wouldn't get a babysitter, and take me out once a week or 2 a month, to a movies, or to dinner. Just him and I. That is all I wanted, to be out with my husband and only my husband. I wanted to be with this man deeply, but he refused. Therefore, I was a nanny, that supplied himwith children, and cared for the kids, and him. Provided his food, clean clothes, and occasionaly sex. I wanted this man to devour me with kisses, and love. I wanted kissyfaces done to me. I wanted lovemaking, I wanted to beheld, be cuddled, and to have both of us listen to each other.

Right now you are going through h*ll. This is not fun at all. Court date, I have one this Tuesday, and am getting nervous about it. I hate this so much and I have no one to be there with me, except for my lawyers. I have no one to hold me and talk to me intimately.

Just try to keep your head, and one thing for sure, do not cry. Do not show one tear. I was told that today, and if I got to the point that I felt like crying, he said to get up and walk out. Boy is this hard, when the one you love is sitting across the table, and you used to cry and hold each other all the time.

Remember, you are a terrific person, the WS's are the ones that are out of control and emotionally sick. Hold on the roller coaster is going to get tougher. I was told that, and boy it is getting tougher by the day.

Maw,
Why don't you start doing something for you. Don't you have enough info on stbx's affairs? All it will do will bring you more pain.

Start planning for your new future. What is you want to do? Go do it or make arrangements to do it?

Is there happiness after the divorce? Only YOU can decide on that!

Hang in!

Cry2much - actually you know I used to cry all of the time until I got antidepressants - they have been a godsend - It is very difficult like you said knowing that the person you love and you thought loved you is doing this to you and putting you through this - My husband says he is the one that screwed up but in the next breath everything is my fault and the funny thing is the he believes it...he really thinks it is ok to totally tear apart you family and he thinks everyone should be ok with that - I wish you luck on Tuesday - court is scary isn't it ??? I have never even been in a court room... You are right we should definately not let them see us cry - we have done enough of that already and frankly they probably don't deserve our tears anymore...

RWD- Thank you for your words of encouragement - I guess you are correct only I can make myself happy now - I guess that I have to accept the fact that it is over - and move on - still easier said than done - I need to set boundaries with him and start living my own life... For sure - thanks again