HELP!!!! I was married for 8-1/2 years (and was actually with my ex for 11 years. The divorce was mutual, and we were divorced in 09/01. Without getting into what a misserable marriage it was, i am having a very hard time of letting go of him completely. I was wondering if anyone can suggest any kind of book that might be helpful on this subject.

It's not easy when you lead with your emotions instead of your intellect in a situation like this, isn't it? I don't know of any book but here is a web site on emotional detachment that may help you. Actually, it look like there's good info there about a lot of things. Good luck.
http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

Thanks for the info. I am trying so hard to detach from him, but he is making it very hard. WE had an awful marriage, he basically wanted to be single and married at the same time, and i guess i finally was fed up with the situation. But he basically still wants me around occassionally, and it hard to let go and to say no. I definately am very glad that i am not married to him anymore.
thanks again
becky

Try " Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher

Hang in!

It's scary how many of us have 4 kids.......

Books that have really helped me were - the one RWD mentioned, and really any book by Melody Beattie, especially Co-dependent No More, and the 12 steps for Co-dependents.

I'm not saying that you are co-dependent, but they really help you detach and accept.

Also, going to a al-anon, or a coda(codependents anon) meeting is also a free way to gather strength and healing for yourself.

Another good book is the Secrets of the Vine by Wilkerson - he wrote the Prayer of Jabez.

There are also some suggestions on the General Welcome read only post I think.

K

Don't happen to know of any books other than "Growing Through Divorce" by Jim Smoke - it helped me immensely. Also, I might add the following - I'm not sure where I came across it... Co-Dependency, I think, can't really remember... Harold Hope this is of some help to you. God Bless!

- "Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawal; a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to, and totally unaffected by people and problems; a Pollyanna-like ignorant bliss; a shirking of our true responsibilities to ourselves and others; a severing of our relationships. Nor is it a removal of our love and concern, although sometimes these ways of detaching might be the best we can do, for the moment.

Ideally, detachment is releasing, or detaching from, a person or problem in love. We mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy (and frequently painful) entanglements with another person's life and responsibilities, and from problems we cannot solve, according to a handout, entitled "Detachment," that has been passed around Al-Anon groups for years.

Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead. If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow. And we give ourselves that same freedom. We live our own lives to the best of our ability. We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change. Then we stop trying to change things we can't. We do what we can to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing. If we cannot solve a problem and we have done what we could, we leam to live with, or in spite of, that problem. And we try to live happily-focusing heroically on what is good in our lives today, and feeling grateful for that. We leam the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more.

Detachment involves "present moment living"-living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day.

Detachment also involves accepting reality-the facts. It requires faith-in ourselves, in God, in other people, and in the natural order and destiny of things in this world. We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment. We release our burdens and cares and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems. We trust that all is well in spite of the conflicts. We trust that Some-one greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening. We understand that this Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can. So we try to stay out of His way and let Him do it. In time, we know that all is well because we see how the strangest (and sometimes most painful) things work out for the best and for the benefit of everyone.

…The rewards from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems."