It has been over a year now since my ex left me.. And although some days I think I am ok without her, I happen to be having one of those days where I miss her tremendously. I just saw Kate & Leopold a Meg Ryan flic yesterday and it made me so sad becuz it reminded me of what "true love" might be (don't know id it's possible to have a love affair like the movies, but it sure sounds great)... Anyway, I again I am in a current relationship and everytime I think of "accepting with her wakneses", "compromising" etc, I really "authentically" want to and feel obligated to for my ex. I try so hard to thing of "bad things and times" with my ex to justify our demise, but I honestly can't see it and it sucks to not have that "ending" or closure or whatever. Anyway, I miss my ex so much and I am really wondering if anyone will "beat" her. I suppose that is my biggest fear. Since we can't be together I want someone "equal or better" to replace her and wonder if/when that is ever possible. She was a tremendous catch and it saddens me to no end that I sometimes feel like I may be doomed to a 2nd place trophy in love and for life. Does anyone feel this way? Does this go away? How, when... Please help as this daily inner struggle is taking it's toll and getting old. Thanks so much and take care, JACK.

HI Jack,
I'm not quite divoeced yet, but I will be soon.
I find myself questioning the very same thing as you are.
When do you get over it, and when can you really move on?
The last time you posted this, I couldn't give an answer because it hit too close to home.
Well guess what? Nothing much has changed, it still hits too close to home for me to give you a decent answer.
I know this doesn't help you at all, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this.
I guess (from what I have been told by others who have gone through this) you can heal and move on when you again find that special someone that is out there for you.
It sounds like you found someone, but not that special someone.
It's like lightning striking twice in the same place. Can it happen? I think it can... but it's probably going to take some (here is that dreaded word) time.
In all fairness to your current "GF", I think you probably should not let her get too involved with you at this point.
You sound like you have some soul searching to do (yes I know it's nice to have someone around to take the edge off), but in all fairness to her, you should either be truthful to her about what you are feeling or pull back somewhat, until you figure out what you really want.
It's hell to be in this position.
Hang in there.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Jack,
Have you tried any counseling at all. Sometimes that helps.
I have been divorced since last September-01, and somedays are great and some are not so great, but it has got better.
I am by no way near ready to get in any kind of relationship AT ALL, and don't know if i will be for a long time. Dating is fine, but no commitment, for a long, long time! This is my 2nd divorce, and i rushed into something with my 2nd husband, and as you can see, it was a worse marriage than my first. I have learned alot this time. I too, have had a hard time really "letting go", even though i really would never go back to that kind of situation with anyone.

Anyway, like the post before mine, i think time heals, along with lots of prayer.

Jack,

I have never been in your situation, but I have something to offer for your consideration. It may not be the answer but perhaps it will start you thinking a bit differently.

I don't know what you do for a living and it really isn't relavent, but if you have ever been in a position to hire, replace, or fire people here is something I learned long ago, that you just might find useful.

When I first need to hire someone, to replace an individual who had moved to another organization, I listed all of the attributes that the previous persone had. He was a very good researcher and also a good friend. Lo and behold, no one that applied seemed to have his skills or really could replace him. This of course really bothered me because we had work to do, and I needed someone good for the job.

Then one night it hit me. I had it all wrong. I realized something very profound I COULD NEVER HIRE A REPLACEMENT FOR THIS GUY Why, because he was good, he took the job and made it into his own. His strenghts were emphasized and his weakness were minimized. No one would match him because he was unique.

I subsequently hired a fellow that was very good, and within about 6 months he was doing great, but it wasn't really the same job any more. He had changed it to suit his talents.

He eventually left and moved on and yup you guessed it a new fellow came and changed the job again. All of the time we were becoming more successful.

My message to you: You will never replace your ex. She made the job unique to her and it will remain so. However, the next woman that you fall for will have unique talents, interests, and skills, and if you two do marry and you will simply let her work her magic, it won't be long before you realize she is really a good person and W. Because she will make the relationship her own, just as your ex did.

The thing to understand is that you will never find a replacement for your ex. You will find people that are as skilled, good, in love, and caring, and they will make the relationship their own.

Right now you cannot see this easily because the new person isn't on the scene, but when they are, if you will be wise enough to realize they are unique, I think you will find that you can be very happy and it won't be second choice, because this will be the first time you have had this relationship and it will be the last.

Hope something I have said helps.

God Bless,

JL

Bravo Just Learning!

I have been struggling with the same thing myself a little. In my case I'm just letting what happens happen and the woman I am with be herself. I was with XW for 9 years and obviously her qualities, traits and weaknesses didn't work out so why should I go for someone like her?

I hadn't really thought about it the way you stated it, but I think you are absolutely right. I managed to encounter someone that meets the EN's I was missing without me telling her what those EN's are. Powerful stuff.

My XW can still pull my heart strings at will, but I also know nothing has changed about her and that it will never work for us the way she is. I didn't get involved with someone until I knew that I could move on. I wish I was with my XW. I wish we had the life we once had. I don't want to have anything to do with the woman she is now.

A comment on being afraid to get into a relationship because you might hurt someone: All relationships have hurt in them. They either end or move on to marriage. Successful marriages have a lot of hard times to go with the good. Don't be with someone until you're ready to give it a fair shot. You owe that to them and to yourself.

Hi,

I am currently in the divorce process now. I know this may change but I cannot imagine being with anyone else but my STBX. I cannot think of loving anyone the way that I still love her. I have tried thinking of all the things that are wrong with our relationship, all the things that she has done to hurt me. It does not work. I still have hope that we will get back together someday. I don't think that I will want to be married again otherwise. Sorry I don't have much else to offer, but if it helps I understand how you feel.

Jason

<small>[ August 13, 2002, 11:34 AM: Message edited by: unseen2 ]</small>

Hello All.

Seems like we unfortunately have all too much in common. Thanks aeveyone for your words. I hope this thread pulls out some additional useful information for us to use. THANKS!! -Jack

Hi Jack:

This is an interesting thread. I've never exactly been in your situation, but I do know what it is like to have "loved and lost", so to speak. Sometimes we meet that special person that gives us feelings like we've never had before (and may never feel again for anyone). It is not an infatuation or a "fog". It seems that no matter what they do to us, or how they hurt us, we still love them, and probably always will. No one (no matter how great) could ever replace them, or the feelings that we have for them. The key to all this, I think, is to try to continue in life without them, if we have to. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but I hope so. Hang in there!

Still seems to me that if you can't find someone to replace them that is "better" than what a sick and tragic way to live. Am I wrong?

What do you consider "better"? In a practical sense that could mean someone with a better education or career. For me it is much simpler than that. I just want somebody I can be happy with and who can be happy as well.

You'll never love the someone the same way againg, but you can love someone else and that love will be a little bit different. If you look for what you had I doubt you will ever find it.

The new person I am with is nothing like the person I thought I would want to be with. I'm giving it a chance and I am quite surprised with how well it is working out. I don't have any expectations and just seeing what happens. Without any pre-conceived notions I can take her for what she is. Sure I have a set of values and principles that are important to me, but many people can have those basic traits with a different way of packaging it.

I have also realized that what someone has done in the past does not matter very much to me. I was willing to work past everything my FWW had done to make us work. How can I hold something somebody did before they ever knew against them? I know I'm a good person. I also know I have done things I am ashamed of. I don't do those things as much as anymore because I don't like the way they make me feel about myself. I'd like to think most people are that way.

Have patience, give it time and you will be pleasantly surprised.

Hi Jack,
I'm sure right now you feel lonely and afraid of being alone... But that is a big But (no not mine)
You can't just want to be with her just to be with someone.... When the right one comes along you will know.. No need to jump into anything quick (unlike me Foolish me).. I know I need to listen to my own advise sometimes.. I don't like being alone. I'm slowly getting used to it. I'm understanding that I can not just settle for what ever comes along just so that I'm not alone. I want to be happy and feel wanted. Instead of just there..
Am I making sense. I'm sorry I feel like I'm babbling...

yeah - i just read some of dr harley;s stuff on "choosing the right one" - pretty good stuff. I am definitely still recovering from my "marriage that wasn;t on paper (my x" certainly.. it will take some time.

Just Learning:

That is maybe the most single poignant piece of advice that I have seen on this board. I appreciate it immensely. While I don't think that I will have any problem finding someone that will top my wife, other than the fact that she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever known, I do wonder sometimes whether anyone will fit the mold of what I "want" in a wife.

With your little post, you have given me a new insight into a problem that hasn't even occurred yet, but that I have been anticipating for a while now.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

And NO, I did not marry her because she was beautiful. She has actually become much more lovely with age, in physical appearances. However, she has become one of the ugliest people I know in all other respects.

Yes, us that have been dumped feel the same. It is hard, and my divorce is still working at the courts. Yes, my husband of 24 years decided to get this other woman in his life (this being the other womans 2nd physical affair) and my husband doesn't feel any remorse or guilt about his actions. That hurts like heck, yes the betrayal is difficult, and the wayward spouse doesn't know what it feels like.

People have told me it will get better as the days go by, sure wish the days would go faster, so I could see the better.

One of the things that I was told is to do things that you like. As far as getting involved with someone else, I would hold of for 2 years at least. You are not ready to settle down, and this person you are dating at the present time is filling the lonely needs. Wait until the feelings are there for love, happiness and committment. I have been told they will come, I have reservations they will ever come, because I don't trust men at all.

Ask for prayers, and we will give you prayers. Ask for guidance, and God will give you guidance, Ask for patience and God will give you patience. God will help all of us, we need to trust in God.

cry2much-

I am proof positive that it gets better. I went from thinking if I really wanted to live or not to analyzing and talking with people and this forum to a point where at least for today I am feeling more ready to "move on".

There are few things of advice I'd like to share. 1-do what you want (meaning if you feel like callin do, if you don't -don't. If you like to chat on here or strategize do? If not, not? Ulimately what I am saying is you are you and you will ultimately NOT left yourself down. Humans are build to sruvive and we have many mechanisms for doing so.

Time is absolutley your best friend. Unfortunately your best friend has a bit of a limp and doesn;t move all that fast. Hang in there and good luck - JACK!!

hi jack, i want you to know i am right with you. i have dated approx. 20 woman in the past year in search of trying to be happy. (doesn't work) I am very superficial with looks since my x was model material at 35. i guess after 20 years with my x i keep searching for that special look. I may never find that and even if i do, then you must weigh the personality, their background etc. etc.. so I think it is very very hard. and i have no real answer myself for i struggle daily with being alone. for dating and so on seems to be a chore at times with travelling, spending etc.. so i just keep praying

Interesting thread! My STBXH left almost 2 years ago to move in with the much younger OW. We continued to see each other until I finally gave him an ultimatum and ended contact about 4 months ago. Despite the fact that he was treating me horribly, lying to me and being verbally abusive. I blamed it on his substance abuse and continued to think of him as my one and only, if only he'd get sober again.

I'm seeing someone else right now too. And I too make comparisons. I want him to be "better than" my STBXH - smarter, more attractive, more intelligent, more successful, etc., in order to make me look good. What he is is kind, funny, considerate, a great lover, and as a friend put it, someone to go on double dates with (my X and I used to go out with her and her H).

Some of the damage for which I was responsible in my marriage was caused by comparing my STBXH to a previous boyfriend who I remembered, wistfully, as a better lover, though he had many other less desirable qualities and wasn't someone I had ever considered "marriageable."

I don't want to repeat this behavior with someone new. The man I'm seeing is also dealing with this issue. He is getting over a relationship with a woman who was "model material at 35" like normj's ex. This man is 43 years old and I'm 51. I'm attractive, but definitely not competitive in the looks department with his ex-girlfriend.

Not only do I totally agree with JustLearning who said it so eloquently, but I know that much of finding the right lover/mate is being the right lover/mate. I need to stop looking outside myself to the other person for all my happiness. This is something I've learned since my H "dumped" me. Detaching from my X has helped me to find myself.

I remember a thread from several years back about what made a successful marriage and how someone had asked a couple who'd been married 50 years and still acted very loving towrds each other what it was that kept them like that. It was a wonderful thread, with comments from many who knew of long- lived marriages. If anyone recalls that set of pots and can direct us to them, it would be greatly appreciated. Thoses lists of qualities that made a long-lasting marriage are something I would like to have someday in a relationship.

I know I loved my stbx, but he is incapable of love (narcissistic personality disorder) and I feel I wasted a lot of years. Yes, I was hurt when he decided to leave, but I found out that our lives were not right by any means. When I think about a relationship in the future, I don't want to replace my ex. I don't think that one can honestly have a relationship with someone if they are constantly comparing them to previous people.

Two years have gone by and I dated some, had a relationship for a while, but I'm at the point that if I can't do it on my own first, I certainly don't need someone else involved. I need time for me and for my kids to heal, to grow away from abuse, to learn what a healthy relationship should be before thinking about getting into another one.

I want to find someone someday who I can be with the rest of my life... it may just take me the rest of my life to find him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'm not actively looking, when it is right it will happen; in the meantime, I have my kids, my work, the house, and the animals who take up my life.

So, in essence, I have moved on. Think I moved on over a year ago, but my frame of mind let it go when I finally was given the OK to file the police report about the abuse just a month ago. My divorce isn't final as it keeps getting postponed another month, but emotionally it has been over for me. My ex still tries to cause as much grief as he can... but that is a whole 'nother story about control freak issues.

It is said that one should wait a full year to begin dating after a divorce, just so one can set aside a lot of the emotions that go with it, learn what one did to help cause the rift, and hopefully not do that in the future.

Lori