History –
We have been married for 17 years. Dated for 5 before that.
Three children –
Boy 16, Girl 12 and Girl 9

All of , Husbands’, imitate family are deceased. Wife’ sister has lived with us 4 times since we have been married and is still. I have told her and her H to be out by end of the month. Her brother has lived with us twice.

Wife and I have had many highs and lows.

About a 20 months ago Wife became hooked on a fantasy game called “everquest” on the computer. This has consumed her life and has been the subject of MANY disagreements. I kept a count of the hours spent for 2 weeks during the weeks she had accumulated 71 hours and then over the weekend had played it non-stop. She wore her pajamas all weekend and played the game. My children even have told relatives about this. The last time we had sexual relations was over 8 months ago now. This has been going on and on.

Finally, I am performing a gross task (The toilet is stopped up). And she is in the door way. I told her I want to know what is going on right now. She asks me do you really? I said yes I do. So she tells me that 5-6 years ago she found pornographic pictures on my laptop. She did - I don’t deny it. I saw how much it hurt her. Has not happened again even by her own admission. So I am still being held hostage situation that has been corrected. I am sure I can never live it down.

She tells me then that she wants a D. I was to take the kids to family the following weekend end of the summer.

Before I left on Thursday night I took one of the cars (hers) to the store to get some items for the house. In the trunk I found another new vibrator and supplies. I flew into a fit brought it into the house and to her to be sure and not forget to pack my replacement. We are exchanging words and she tells me “You are such a fool, I don’t want you to F$%$ me anymore” ! That’s it I want a D, “when I get back I want you gone”. She was going out of town for the weekend on business. Which she did. Her employer calls about 2 hours after she has left on this trip. To speak to her and left a voice message at our home. I called her cell phone left a message waited 2.5 hours and did it again. This was on Friday night. I didn’t hear from her until Sunday night at 10:54 p.m. That call was less than a min “I missed my flight I won’t be in until tomorrow. I am checking into a hotel and then will go straight to work”. I asked if she got the message about work she said she did, I said okay and she then says bye and click. She left no travel info or any information about when, why where. When I have to travel god forbid I don’t provide that info to her.

I asked her to please give me 30 mins to talk to her she said she would as a curtsey, she guess she “owed” me that.

She tells me she can’t cry anymore and didn’t. In a very detached and cold manner she begins to tell me that I am the cause of everything rotten in her life and she decided 3-5 years ago she wanted a divorce and that she has just been wait for the right time and not it has come.

I have started therapy and last night was the worst night I have had in weeks. Wife asked me first if I went to see my councilor. I said “yes” and that ’s all. Then later after she starts asking again. So I told her mainly just got to know each other by taking history… Told her I ask how was the best way to break it to the kids. Told her we should tell them and reinforce that we loved them. Wife now has a headache from me. Again wants a divorce. Told her to please seek some help as a friend I don’t want her to keep hurting…She screams back to me “she doesn’t want any F&##ING counseling”. She stood over me and yelled and vented, I never raised my voice I just let her. After she told me I was giving her a headache. I got up and started to pack a suitcase to go to a motel if she wanted. She got mad at that. She did want to sleep in the same bed, I went into the living room. Got up at 5:28 to get Daughter ready for school orientation. Wife last told me she was going into work last night in the morning, I asked her again this am with same result. I then received a call and she is pissed and crying that I didn’t come back and get her. I told her I didn’t know of her wanting to go. . I cannot win right now…

Can I save this marriage? Any ideas? The next question is “Do I want too?” The answer is yes.

Ok.

First, Take a deep breath.

Things are going to be ok.

Right now there is alot going on in your life. Try not to make any rash decisions, and try not to let your wife make any decisions for you.

You need to take a minute and review what has happened and evaluate the situation.

What do we know?

1. Wife is angry, confused, upset etc.

2. She is taking it out on you.

3. She "says" she wants a divorce.

4. We also know that you don't want a divorce.

My best advice to you is to understand that your wife is confused, upset and angry, and she may think that she wants a divorce, but really - even she probably doesn't even know. All she knows is that she's unhappy and thinks a divorce is a quick fix. However, while a divorce may be quick, it's not a fix.

So, what to do.

1. If she wants a divorce, then let he get out of her PJ's find an attorney and file herself. Changes are she is mostly talk and no show(but DON'T tell her that). She has real feelings right now, even if they are erroneous.

2. Protect yourself financially.

3. Don't move out of your house! If she wants to go, then let her - but if you move out, then you could lose custody of the kids as well as your house in a divorce.

4. Don't argue, cry or beg to get her back - she won't listen. Trust me. We've all been there and done that. It doesn't work. She's irrational.

5. Try not to tell the kids too much until you know for sure what is going to happen. You can say that mommy is moving out for a while and leave it at that.

Then if you can please read the info. on this site about affairs - addicts to the computer act in a similar fashion as those who are having affairs and you also need to be familiar with Plan A and Emotional Needs.

Stay in counseling. Use your family and friends for support. Pray.

Then decide if you want to do a Plan A.

There is information about Plan A in the book "Surviving an Affair" by Harley, on this site and under the general welcome post.

Rest assured that you've come to the right place for help.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this right now. There are no quick fixes, but there are fixes.

K

Don't know how much help I can offer, but Ican pray for you. That may be the best help there is! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm not familiar w/addictive behaviour, but I've read the things on this site about it (Hubby into porn-I'm TRYING to understand). Maybe she realizes she has a problem but doesn't want to admit it; not even to herself? Easier to blame you. Read up on the site. It will help.

As to her bringing up the pictures on your laptop: I have loads of insight for you on that one, from the female perspective. That's the biggie with me right now.

Allow me illustrate:

You have a prized expensive vehicle. It is vintage, and you are the only person in the world to have this model/year.

You have found the greatest mechanic EVER to work on it. He is an expert in his field. Unparalleled. You have decided that THIS mechanic, and ONLY this mechanic will work on your prize FOR AS LONG AS YOU OWN IT. Nothing else will do. He is simply the BEST.

The fuel injection screws up. You take it in for mechanic X to work on it. Come back in 3 days to pick it up, work is done.

As you are leaving, thinking mechanic X has fixed your car, you discover that they've hired a young high-school drop out there at the shop. He seemed pretty bright about mechanics, and they got the help pretty cheap since he was trying to get some credentials built up. They let you know that their "newboy" had completed this repair.

You leave, and you notice your car doesn't operate like it did before. It acts different. It feels different. You begin to fear it will NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. You are angry. You feel cheated. You were helpless in what happened, and you feel there isn't a whole lot you can do. You think the damage has been done. You phone the garage and vent about it. YOU TRUSTED THEM AFTER ALL!!!!

They have you bring the car in, check it out, and report that it is working perfectly. Newboy did an excellent job. Nothing is wrong.

REALITY: Your marriage is much the same.

Your wife had found her showcar in YOU. She intended to keep you for life. Out of all the models she had tried out, you were the only one she BOUGHT. She was the proud sole owner of a particular you.

She loved you so much she bore your children. She stuck by you through X Y and Z. She feels like she's invested everything she has into YOU, and she has become an expert in her field.

Now, here is the hardest part for a man to understand. SHE feels that that she is YOUR MOST SKILLED MECHANIC. If you guys have had good intimacy, then this should be true. No one else should know you like she does. Yet the porn indicates that wasn't necessarily the case.

She expected no one else to tinker with her car except her. Yet she discovered that you've allowed some unskilled apprentice to tinker under the hood of HER prize. You've allowed the visual images of pornographic materials to affect your mind.

At that point, she's sitting in the driver's seat, and she's TICKED because in her eyes, you have changed. You aren't driving the same. You don't handle the same. Nothing feels right. She's afraid it will never be the same again. She may feel like she can't do anything about it, the damage has been done.

You may have told her it was no big deal. It meant nothing to you. Just like the garage told you your car was fine, when you swear it isn't handling the same.

Men don't realize that it isn't always just a PHYSICAL lack of confidence that women experience when their husband's seek other sexual outlets. They can begin to doubt THEMSELVES as far as the relationship goes. They loose faith in themselves as being "expert" in their man and their relationship with him. They begin to doubt everything about him and the relationship.

Maybe you aren't into cars, but hopefully that helps you understand where she's at in all of this.

From what you've shared, sounds like intimacy was a challenge with the revolving door open to the in-laws. Add to that the 3 kids (Same w/me), and I can totally relate to the challenge there. So maybe, you turned to the porn in a mid-life crisis or just because it was easier than trying to get what you needed from her with the inlaws there, and the kids needing her. Who knows what the motivation was. Fact is, it happened. You can't change it. So you addressed it, and it hasn't happened again. I find it incredible that she hasn't brought it to light until now. 5 or 6 years is a long time to sit and brew on something like that, if it had really bothered her when she found it.

When my husband was caught 1st & 2nd time, we went through the fights over it. Then, he acted as if it had NEVER happened after the argument was over. The first time, I thought maybe this was because he was really ashamed of it. So I let it go and went along with not mentioning it. I didn't want to keep beating him to death over the error.

The element that was missing, though was that he never acted contrite about it. He said the words "I'm Sorry" each time. His actions, however said something entirely different. He also said it meant nothing, yet he continued to seek it out. So again, his actions belied his words.

Make sure your actions/words are in line with each other. Get a book from the library on forgiveness. It may help you understand what she may need to see in your actions (repentance). Men don't seem to understand the need for changed behaviour when they've done something big to effect their relationships.

REMEMBER: IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS GOT. If you want it to change, it is time for you to look at your behaviour and see if you change it, if you get something different.

Above all else, be consistent. You told her she was the only one for you by marrying her. Then, you turned to something else. Don't be inconsistent again, it just gives her more ammo in the war to get out. If you really want to work it out, stick with it.

DON'T let her pressure you into leaving your house without taking your kids, if you want them. If she disappeared like that on a business trip and never checked up on her kids, and she's neglecting them like that for the sake of the computer game, sounds like they'd really be in a jam if you bail on them.

If she's really that miserable, she'll go when she realizes that you are determined to stay with your kids. Especially if there's more that is motivating her than what she is telling you to want this change now after all the time that has elapsed.

Good Luck!

Don't know how much help I can offer, but Ican pray for you. That may be the best help there is! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm not familiar w/addictive behaviour, but I've read the things on this site about it (Hubby into porn-I'm TRYING to understand). Maybe she realizes she has a problem but doesn't want to admit it; not even to herself? Easier to blame you. Read up on the site. It will help.

As to her bringing up the pictures on your laptop: I have loads of insight for you on that one, from the female perspective. That's the biggie with me right now.

Allow me illustrate:

You have a prized expensive vehicle. It is vintage, and you are the only person in the world to have this model/year.

You have found the greatest mechanic EVER to work on it. He is an expert in his field. Unparalleled. You have decided that THIS mechanic, and ONLY this mechanic will work on your prize FOR AS LONG AS YOU OWN IT. Nothing else will do. He is simply the BEST.

The fuel injection screws up. You take it in for mechanic X to work on it. Come back in 3 days to pick it up, work is done.

As you are leaving, thinking mechanic X has fixed your car, you discover that they've hired a young high-school drop out there at the shop. He seemed pretty bright about mechanics, and they got the help pretty cheap since he was trying to get some credentials built up. They let you know that their "newboy" had completed this repair.

You leave, and you notice your car doesn't operate like it did before. It acts different. It feels different. You begin to fear it will NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. You are angry. You feel cheated. You were helpless in what happened, and you feel there isn't a whole lot you can do. You think the damage has been done. You phone the garage and vent about it. YOU TRUSTED THEM AFTER ALL!!!!

They have you bring the car in, check it out, and report that it is working perfectly. Newboy did an excellent job. Nothing is wrong.

REALITY: Your marriage is much the same.

Your wife had found her showcar in YOU. She intended to keep you for life. Out of all the models she had tried out, you were the only one she BOUGHT. She was the proud sole owner of a particular you.

She loved you so much she bore your children. She stuck by you through X Y and Z. She feels like she's invested everything she has into YOU, and she has become an expert in her field.

Now, here is the hardest part for a man to understand. SHE feels that that she is YOUR MOST SKILLED MECHANIC. If you guys have had good intimacy, then this should be true. No one else should know you like she does. Yet the porn indicates that wasn't necessarily the case.

She expected no one else to tinker with her car except her. Yet she discovered that you've allowed some unskilled apprentice to tinker under the hood of HER prize. You've allowed the visual images of pornographic materials to affect your mind.

At that point, she's sitting in the driver's seat, and she's TICKED because in her eyes, you have changed. You aren't driving the same. You don't handle the same. Nothing feels right. She's afraid it will never be the same again. She may feel like she can't do anything about it, the damage has been done.

You may have told her it was no big deal. It meant nothing to you. Just like the garage told you your car was fine, when you swear it isn't handling the same.

Men don't realize that it isn't always just a PHYSICAL lack of confidence that women experience when their husband's seek other sexual outlets. They can begin to doubt THEMSELVES as far as the relationship goes. They loose faith in themselves as being "expert" in their man and their relationship with him. They begin to doubt everything about him and the relationship.

Maybe you aren't into cars, but hopefully that helps you understand where she's at in all of this.

From what you've shared, sounds like intimacy was a challenge with the revolving door open to the in-laws. Add to that the 3 kids (Same w/me), and I can totally relate to the challenge there. So maybe, you turned to the porn in a mid-life crisis or just because it was easier than trying to get what you needed from her with the inlaws there, and the kids needing her. Who knows what the motivation was. Fact is, it happened. You can't change it. So you addressed it, and it hasn't happened again. I find it incredible that she hasn't brought it to light until now. 5 or 6 years is a long time to sit and brew on something like that, if it had really bothered her when she found it.

When my husband was caught 1st & 2nd time, we went through the fights over it. Then, he acted as if it had NEVER happened after the argument was over. The first time, I thought maybe this was because he was really ashamed of it. So I let it go and went along with not mentioning it. I didn't want to keep beating him to death over the error.

The element that was missing, though was that he never acted contrite about it. He said the words "I'm Sorry" each time. His actions, however said something entirely different. He also said it meant nothing, yet he continued to seek it out. So again, his actions belied his words.

Make sure your actions/words are in line with each other. Get a book from the library on forgiveness. It may help you understand what she may need to see in your actions (repentance). Men don't seem to understand the need for changed behaviour when they've done something big to effect their relationships.

REMEMBER: IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS GOT. If you want it to change, it is time for you to look at your behaviour and see if you change it, if you get something different.

Above all else, be consistent. You told her she was the only one for you by marrying her. Then, you turned to something else. Don't be inconsistent again, it just gives her more ammo in the war to get out. If you really want to work it out, stick with it.

DON'T let her pressure you into leaving your house without taking your kids, if you want them. If she disappeared like that on a business trip and never checked up on her kids, and she's neglecting them like that for the sake of the computer game, sounds like they'd really be in a jam if you bail on them.

If she's really that miserable, she'll go when she realizes that you are determined to stay with your kids. Especially if there's more that is motivating her than what she is telling you to want this change now after all the time that has elapsed.

Good Luck!