All right. I've been away from my XW for over 3 months and the divorce has been final for over 2. She has had numerous PA's and has had an EA/PA with her OM for at least 2 years whom she has lived with since our separation 3 1/2 moths ago.

I have not been with anyone but my XW since we met 9 years ago. I have had to deal with my XW living with the OM across the street from me. I see her/them every single day. Now I have met someone (2 weeks ago) who I am dating and have let my XW know that I do have a girlfriend now. No embellishments or any other information. I simply told her that I thought it was better that she hear it from me instead of seeing it in front of her face. I know what that is like.

First she accussed me of making it up and then she threatened to tell my girlfriend all the bad stuff about me. She said all kinds of mean stuff like don't make me hate you more than I already do, stop playing head games with me, if you love me like you say you do you wouldn't do this, etc.

I told her I wasn't going to argue with her about it and said whatever a few times.

I wrote this to her in an email:

You chose to do this, you agreed to the settlement, you have your new life, you're the one who wanted the divorce, you're the one who gave up on us, you threw it all away.

I finished up the email with "Let it go."

Why all the hatred, anger and accusations? She has been cake walking and not giving me anything to work with. Is she mad because someone else wants what she had? Did she think I would be alone the rest of my life?

Ever since we separated her friends have been trying to go out with me. I've turned many women down. I've just been concentrating on getting my ship in order. I think that is part of the problem. She thought I was cheating on her and as soon as she was out I would be whore dogging around. Surprise, surprise. I've never done that and I never will. I talked to her after she found out that I really had never ever done anything. I felt guilty that I hadn'e because of her realization of how wrong she was about me.

Hey moving on with life - I like your name change - I am glad you found someone - I hope you are happy - Who knows why the WS do what they do - but you need only worry about yourself now - she hasn't been worrying about you in a long time - if she wasn't she wouldn't have gone out with your best friend and moved across the street - Good Luck

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Moving On with Life:
<strong>All right. I've been away from my XW for over 3 months and the divorce has been final for over 2. Now I have met someone (2 weeks ago) who I am dating and have let my XW know that I do have a girlfriend now. No embellishments or any other information. I simply told her that I thought it was better that she hear it from me instead of seeing it in front of her face. I know what that is like.

I told her I wasn't going to argue with her about it and said whatever a few times.

I wrote this to her in an email:

You chose to do this, you agreed to the settlement, you have your new life, you're the one who wanted the divorce, you're the one who gave up on us, you threw it all away.

I finished up the email with "Let it go."

Why all the hatred, anger and accusations? She has been cake walking and not giving me anything to work with. Is she mad because someone else wants what she had? Did she think I would be alone the rest of my life?

Ever since we separated her friends have been trying to go out with me. I've turned many women down. I've just been concentrating on getting my ship in order. I think that is part of the problem. She thought I was cheating on her and as soon as she was out I would be whore dogging around. Surprise, surprise. I've never done that and I never will. I talked to her after she found out that I really had never ever done anything. I felt guilty that I hadn'e because of her realization of how wrong she was about me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You answered some of your questions in your Post - your Ex has been Cakewalking - and she doesn't want you to be happy - she wants you to be miserable and alone for the rest of your life - she sounds so much like my ex it's unreal. My ex wanted to 'punish me' and make me pay for the rest of my life for our Divorce. She tried alienating me from my own Family, turned our 2 sons against me, filed numerous Depositions with the Divorce Court to wring more money out of me, and tried to poke her nose in everything I was doing, etc. She trashed my own Sister in a hateful email because she wouldn't give her my email address.
Basically - your ex wants you to be miserable - she can't stand the fact that you are NOW happier without her, and have moved on with out her in your life to foul it up! She can't stand that fact either.
From my past experience(s) with my ex - here is what I would do if I were you:
Tell you ex NOTHING that you do - what business is it of hers who you date? NONE
You are NOT responsible to tell her a darned thing!
IGNORE her repeated attempts to lay GUILT TRIPS on you - her quotes like 'playing games' etc. is EXACTLY that! You're not buying her line of BS - why should you? You have done nothing wrong in moving on with life without her - after all, it was HER that betrayed you and insisted on Divorce! Not YOUR fault...
She accused you of cheating because she wanted to JUSTIFY her cheating, and since you didn't cheat - that makes her look even more stupid in your eyes, and she knows it.
You might want to consider moving away - I moved from Alaska to Texas - and let me tell you, the 2,500 plus miles sure does make a difference!!
So maybe you don't want to move out of state - there's always across town - I know for sure that I wouldn't want to run into my ex any more than was absolutely necessary - especially if she lived across the street from me - that's TOO much, man! Please think about at least moving across town - just to get away from her nosey self.
Good Luck!!
Harold <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (Once you do these things, you'll realize how much happier you are now that you don't have her in your life to FOUL IT ALL UP for you) Trust me...

I was lucky. A mutual friend introduced us and we just hit it off. She is totally different than the type of person I thought I would be interested in, but I haven't done so well with my choices to date! I'm giving it a whirl and I have been quite surprised.

I've tried my best not to let my ex know what is going on with me because life has been very good for me. I don't want to rub it in her face. I've got all my friends she chased away back. I feel good about myself. I'm playing rugby, going canoing, going to social functions, playing in a band and trying new things I've always wanted to do such as adventure racing. I've lost 25 pounds, my chest pains have gone away and my blood pressure is back to normal.

She has always been a very social person and used to having people around. Nobody is ever over at her house.

I did some of these things with her and it was always a painful experience. I think my biggest worry was not having anybody to do things with anymore. That hasn't been the case. I've got my weekends booked for a couple of months with friends. Being gone most weekends makes it easier to put her out of my mind.

I have my brother living with me and there is always something going on at my house or somebody over and she drives by and sees it everyday. She and the OM are pretty isolated. She didn't have a clue I was seeing anyone until I told her eventhough several of there friends have seen us together.

Since she has moved out she has had her nose broken on one occasion and the crap beat out of her on another (bruises on her arms & legs and busted lip). She claimed something fell off the wall and hit her to break her nose the first time and then she said her 11 year old son threw a temper tantrum and beat her up the second. Who knows what the truth is, but that stuff never happend when she was with me. Something is definitely a miss here.

I'm beginning to discover how dysfunctional our marriage was and how messed up my XW is. I was so used to every part of my relationship with my XW being so stressful. I don't know how to react when someone does something nice for me. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and it doesn't.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Moving On with Life:
<strong>I was so used to every part of my relationship with my XW being so stressful. I don't know how to react when someone does something nice for me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BOY, can I relate to this!

I'm so glad that the biggest stress I have now is remembering to put the garbage out. Life has been so much more relaxed without my xw. I don't exactly get to do everything I want to do, but I can see that day coming. I am busy dealing with kids and their stuff, but that'd be the same even if I were still married. Busy is fine with me, in fact it's awesome. It's cultivating a bleeding ulcer that I'd rather do without.

I too have a much better life.I'm working harder and making good money.I have someone wonderful in my life now and all the stress and anger and fustration are all gone now.You'll find that once you move away and she is out of sight that in the end you be better off

231

Moving On:

This is a complete control issue with them. My STBXW moved out several weeks ago due to drugs and affairs. Last year, her friend went to a phsycic (sp. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ). The nutcase told my wife that I was having an affair with a co-worker, which is not true. Anyway, my wife went nuts, yelled and threw a glass against the garage floor and stormed off.

This was at a time when she was into drugs and after stopping one affair and was possibly into another!

There is some excellent advice in here that really helps out. One thing I read was to just let go. Don't gloat or hate; but just realize she is responsible for her own feelings, not you!

Best of luck!!

Gloating and anger I really don't have. The anger I have is over what was lost, not what is happening now. I'm almost ashamed of being happy.

My XW also has a drug and alcohol problem plus about $50,000 in unsecured debt with a $21,000 a year job and $476 a month she has to pay in child support.

She hasn't hit bottom yet and that is the hard part to watch. I will not be moving away. I'm happy, I've got a good life, a good family and she is just going to have see it every single day until she leaves the neighborhood.

I had to file a motion for contempt against her yesterday for not making the van payment for the last 3 months. I offered to take half and let it go at that, but she refused so I filed for the whole amount. I think this is a case of the OM telling her what to do. Who knows what she is thinking.

Now that I have someone else in my life the XW's and my's friends have really let me know what they think about the XW. Pretty much if she crawled in a hole and died it wouldn't matter much to anyone except me. That is pretty sad.

I really do feel sorry for the woman, but I think it will get much worse for her before she will turn it around.

I’m watching something similar happened with my H’s ex-wife. He (STL) and I met a couple of months after their divorce. She left him for the OM. She has gotten on STL’s case many times for ‘moving on so quickly’. Does that make any sense?

Up until about 4 months ago she acted as though she was the wife and I the OW. To the point of constantly sending him email to meet her places when he traveled. When she was here to visit her children she asked him out to several times. STL works at home when he is not traveling. During that visit she always seemed to need to drop by our home shortly after my normal time to leave for work. Unfortunately for her I was moving a little more slowly then normal during her visit… the look on her face was precious when I opened the door. (By the way I know for a fact that my H was not expecting these visits.) And all through this she is still living with OM. She tells my H that she does not love OM, never has but is still with him for convenience. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

It got so bad that STL finally had to be very stern with her to leave him alone.

In watching this I agree that part of it is that the WS wants the BS to suffer forever. But I think there is more to it. I think that they want the BS to pine for them forever. Perhaps even to act like the knight who will slay the dragon to win the damsel. The problem is that they will constantly throw out another feat that must be met. The want the BS to be in love with them forever and for them to be in the position of power.

My ex-h made the comment once (actually a whine) that I did not beg him to come back. So what he was mean and cruel, drove me away, demanded a divorce and then was sitting around wanting me to beg him to take me back??????

Just keep a low profile and keep her out of your life. You owe her no explanation.

Hey MOwL:

I think ZORWEB is on target here.
I experienced something similar with my EX:

1. She accused me of sexual harrassment when I tried to win her back/over, but (even after that) would sit next to me, and stroke my thigh

2. I had to hand-hold her through the break-up with her boyfriend, whom she started seeing while I was still married to her, and in the same house.

3. She ALWAYS wants me to stay for supper when I visit.

4. She has asked me at least thrice in 1 week, (when things were bad with boyfriend, who, BTW, lives with his girlfriend of >3yrs together with her daughter, DUH!!)

Her best friend has warned me to stay away from EX, when I raised these concerns with her. She must know something I don't.

I think EX ( like ZORWEB says), is "playing" me: it suits her ( since she knows how I feel), to be in the position where she exercises sexual control over me.( albeit remote). She SAYS there's no chance, but acts as if there is every chance of something with her. At times, in her company, she has hugged me, when there has been no reason to, other than she wanted to, or because she knows what reaction I have to her (I must confess, I don't know which it is).

The best thing to do is just to forget about her. ( I know, easy to talk, you should see me!). We love them dearly and only want to see them happy, but you must realise that we cannot live their lives, or "be there" for them ad infinitum.

But yeah, I know the situation well, my friend. One day at a time.

Muzohead

Apparently my XW has been talking to the OM about me a lot. The OM and I do an annual ski trip with 8 other friends each year. I told the group I don't have a problem with the OM being their, but apparently the OM says he won't go if I go and the group doesn't want to get in the middle of it.

It turns out the OM was planning on bringing my XW and he doesn't want her around me. He thinks I'm trying to cause trouble. I have not said one word to the OM in over 2 months. The XW has been saying some bad things about the OM to me, has tracked me down when I've gone out and cries every time we are together. He thinks it is all my doing.

My XW called me yesterday and said she was not going on the ski trip and neither was the OM. The OM and maybe her would go somewhere else together. I said I guess that means you two are doing pretty good together. She said her relationship was none of my business. I told her it is important to me that she is happy. She said she will be happy with whoever she is with.

-------------------------------------------

Fresh news. The head of the ski group/friend of the OM said he talked with the OM. The OM is not happy about not going on the ski trip. The OM is very upset, does not look healthy and this friend said he isn't the same man he was a year ago and is really hurting.

The OM lost almost all of his friends over what has happened and I guess he thought he would still have the ski trip to escape to.

I actually feel sorry for the guy. He used to be my best friend.

MOWL:

Something in your last post stuck out:

Your ex says: "...She said her relationship was none of my business. I told her it is important to me that she is happy. She said she will be happy with whoever she is with."

I would advise you NOT to discuss ANY relationship issues with her.....
She clearly has anger towards you still, and the best you can do is minimise contact, or limit discussions to "business". You cannot help still caring, but you can't really help her, or be her friend. ( IMHO).

LEAVE HER ALONE. I'm learning this with my ex as well. Truth is, my feelings for her are apparent, and she can obviously see this when I'm with her. She uses this to "punish" me, and repeats that there is no hope of anything between us. My instinct tells me that she wants me to BEG. I'm done begging, and so are you, pal. Stop playing this game with her. Enjoy your new life!

Cheers
Muzohead

I have not been returning the XW's phone calls and I haven't been answering the phone when she calls.

She got a hold of me yesterday. We talked for about 2 hours. She opened up quite a bit to me and says she wants us to start counseling together.

I still do not know what to believe or not, but my gut tells me she is sincere in her feelings for me. I know she is still lying about a lot of things.

She is supposed to be talking to me this week. If my XW and I are to move forward together both OP's will go completely. I think my XW is beginning to hate her OP. He has been vindictive towards me and I have been supportive of my XW without commenting on the OM.

My x, then w did something similiar. It was orientation at my son's school and she asked me if I had told the teacher. I hadn't and since the teacher was right there(son wasn't) I told her that we were divorcing. My x said just wait, we're not divorced yet. This after the night before she introduced me as our daughter's father.
She then asked to speak to me.

She said her counselor suggested we try joint counseling again(this would have been 2 try). I asked how would we do marriage counseling when she was living with a married man. I asked who her counselor was as I wanted to speak to them and I would have to think about the counseling.

About a week later she gave me the guy's name. In the meantime, in an arguement she said I said no to the joint counseling and that was it.

I called the counselor who happened to be a minister and he said, that is not what he asked her to do. He was trying to get her to slow down, as she was talking marriage before any of us were divorced too.

During latter conversations with the minister( x dropped him and he and I developed a friendship and I still talk to him) he said he felt that it was all part of her justification. She knew I would say no to joint counseling while she was still involved with om.

So watch out, make sure as you can as to what her motivations are.

Hang in!

Good advice RWD.

Yesterday my XW said she wanted to start counsling together.

I just sent her an email reminding her of what she said yesterday and informing her that we have a session at 5:00 p.m. on Thursday. I asked her if she can and will attend.

The session was originally just for me so if she is a no show it'll just be me.

If she backs out I'll tell her she needs to make up her mind and I'm cutting off all contact.

mowl....i just wanted to point out to you a few things before you go to this counseling thing. i realize most of your responses came from x-husbands and they had similiar situations as to how their x-wives behaved when they found out there was a new woman in the picture. from my stand point im the x-wife i can almost guarantee you that all this business of her going to counseling with you and trying again is because she found out you have another woman. the single thing that hits a woman like a ton of bricks is the thought of her replacement sort of speak. even if she is with someone else it doessnt matter. you began your posts by pointing out how your life is going in a positive direction. think very carefully about this move and getting involved with her again. i mean dont get me wrong if this is what you truly want then gods spead my friend, but take this from me i know what im talking of. even knowing that i myself truly didnt want to be with my x anymore when i found out he was with someone else i thought of getting back together with him trying again even if it meant counseling but what i truly wanted was not him or the marriage back it was to see him alone and suffering because he isnt with me and how can this man be happy if its not with me how dare he! wrong! he has every right to be just that happy and with someone that it will work out with. it took me quite some time to come to this and please dont think that i did anything to jeapordize his new relationship cause i didnt but i wanted to and she is probably doing the same to you my friend. think long and hard on this one. you sounded at the beginging like you knew what you wanted and you where heading in a positive direction. by the last post all i saw was how she got to you and is messing with your head because you still do care for her but it doesnt sound like she is healthy for you. hope this helped!
lizi