Well, two and half years later, and after putting up with all his hate and lies and abuse and mental crap, it looks like I'll finally be filing in the morning.

To say that my love bank is destroyed it the understatement of the century. I have been a good and faithful wife, standing by him through **** that most people would have left in a heartbeat: decades of verbal abuse, infidelity, illness...loving his work and everyone else above me. Well, I'm DONE!

He can have his house...his double mortgage payments...his job with no income...his damn mood swings...his abuse...his control...

AND HE CAN SHOVE THEM!

After all I've been through, I deserve a dozen red roses every day for the rest of my life, and tonight I found myself on my knees begging for him to listen to me. Suddenly it hit my like lightening. What the hell was I doing?? I was begging an abusive adulterer to love me!!! I'm better than that!!! Why am I begging for his time and his attention and his love??? If he loves work so much, he can have it. If he thinks work is a higher priority than me, lets see work stick with him when he treats them like he treats me!

I am a GREAT woman, capable of so much loving and caring and support and patience that it is unbelievable, and I am BEGGING someone who has used me up and spit me out to love me!

Tomorrow, I will be free. If he wants me, he will have to BEG ME for YEARS!!!

God, I am a mess!!! Where did that strong, confident, brave woman go? She was taken for a fool--that's what! Like an IDIOT I believed his lies that he would protect me and appreciate the GIGANTIC leap of faith that I took. He USED ME AGAIN, and I let him. That's probably the worst part--I LET HIM!! I know better than this, and like a damn fairytale, I believed wishes could come true and I wished that he had really changed this time because his love for me was so strong.

Well his love of his rage is stronger. And I am DONE. No need to build this marriage anymore.

CJ

Hi FaithfulW! I am sorry this happened to you. Please know that we're all praying for you in this your time of sorrow and need.
Please don't beat yourself up for trying YOUR BEST to make your marriage work - you were and still are the Faithful One to your Sacred Marriage Vows.
There are MONSTERS out there who prey on women - and it's sad that your husband became one of them.
Yet thru all this - you have proven yourself to be the Bigger Person and true to your word, showing by your actions you were willing to do whatever it took to make your marriage work.
I know that right now, life looks pretty lousey - but rest assured - it DOES get better - you'll continue through "Divorce Country" and after you journey a little while - you will begin to relish your new-found FREEDOM to do what YOU want to, be who YOU want to be - and you will see how much better life is without your Ex to FOUL IT ALL UP FOR YOU!!!
The first few weeks are going to feel like He*l for you but you WILL make it.
I can only speak from my Divorce experience back in '98 and looking back on what I did then - If I had to go back and do it all over again - I would do the exact same thing, only SOONER than I originally did.
A Christian book that helped me immensely was "Growing Through Divorce" by Jim Smoke. That book, plus lots of prayers from my Family and a few friends got me thru it. I discovered MB only last year, but you're ahead of the Game here - you already know about MB. I hope this helps you some, and I'm positive that soon as more folks read your Post, you'll have LOADS of support, hugz, and pratical advice.
Please hang in there and PRAY a lot!!!!!
God bless you, FaithfulW.
Harold

Dear CJ,

This has been a long time in coming. You have been more than true to your screen name and your H could not, would not see it. I Doubt that he can see much of anything of importance and it is his great loss.

I am here for you on IM if you need it and, hey, if I really need a good N=Scale locomotive, I may go out to Plum Loco in Denver!

God Bless You, Dear CJ. Whatever you need, just ask.

Dearest CJ,
I am so sorry ... I completely understand what you are going through and reading your message was like reading about myself. I went throught the exact same thing and I too would literally be on my knees begging him to listen to me and he would just shut the door on me and listen to me cry outside.He would wake up the next morning as if nothing happened. I filed too last week and you are right... u deserve better and you will...I will pray for you and as hard as it looks right now we will both get through this.
I know it will be hard for you to do this but try not to look back so much...He wasnt worth it anyway...
If you need anything please let me know...

Married 12/99
No children
Filed 08/02
He has already moved on with is life.

Faithfull,

In the end you have no control over what he does, only what you do. It certainly sounds like you have done everything you could to make things work. I am proud of you. I know how painful your life has been through this, yet you perservered and have tried to make things right. You have fought the good fight like so many here. A couple of things come to mind - hopefully you will find comfort from them. Read 2Cor 6. I am searching for another passage that I cant seem to find but the gist of it is that if you are married to an unbeliever and they dont want to stay - then let them go.

I had a conversation with a guy yesterday and was given the following wisdom that I think is also fitting for you. I will paraphrase - Pain is often Gods way of refining us and preparing us to do his work. You have been through something terrible and have remained faithful. You are being uniquely qualified to help others in similar situations. Often, the more pain you have to endure means the greater the plan God has for you. Look for a way you can use your experience and pain to help others and based on the pain you have had to endure, think big and look for ways to have an impact for others.

I know that this sounds odd, but God has prepared you for something, stand up and be willing to be used for his glory.

An example: This guy I talked with is part of a family advocacy group in our state. I am thinking of working with him to remove no fault divorce and to reinstate Alienation of Affection grounds for suits in our state.

Think big, you have certainly been through the fire.

Best Regards

John

(((((CJ)))))

Hugs CJ. You are such a brave woman! You will never regret trying, you are walking away with dignity with knowing you did more than most would have.

ANNA

((((((((((CJ))))))))))

Hello dear hurting friend,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am a GREAT woman, capable of so much loving and caring and support and patience that it is unbelievable </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Give it to the person who deserves it the most right now, YOU do sweetie!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Where did that strong, confident, brave woman go? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right on the other side of my screen, she IS still there, dust her off!

Thinking of you today and sending understanding and compassion your way. You gave it a GREAT fight and moved boulders, not rocks to try and save the marriage! Now it is time to save you!

(((((HUGS)))))

Gayle

P.S. Please keep us posted CJ, we are here for you!

Well, here's my update--you won't believe it.

As of 6am this morning, DH has moved out. He packed his things, got in the car, and left me holding the bag. I have the kids...the house and mortgage...all the bills...and some work for customers that I do not know how to do (and he KNOWS I do not know how to do it).

I do not know how to begin to tell you how I feel. How am I supposed to pay for groceries and bills and our house?? Are we going to be evicted? How am I going to take care of my customers?? How can I earn money to pay for the bills and feed our kids if I can't do the work???

Of course, I will pull it together and figure out SOMETHING, and I'll take care of all the problems that he dumped on me. I'll find a way to make the screens touch, and I'll figure out a way to support myself and the kids...of course I will! I'm a master CareTaker!

How could he just leave me in the lurch like this??? Is this the behavior of someone who "loves" me? No!! This is abandonment. I can not believe that he is doing this to me AGAIN. I can not believe that I put myself in this position again!!! He has the hate face again, and won't listen to me AT ALL, and is just has so shut down!! God, it hurts so much to see him like this...and yet I can not believe that he thinks he can just walk out and treat us like this, and when he wants he can move right back in!!

Doesn't he GET IT?? He put my heart through the meat-grinder last night and expected me to apologize to HIM !! Of course, I do see that he was hurt, and I apologized--did the R.E.P.S. and everything because I'm responsible for my choices! I told him that I love him and don't want him to feel hurt. Do you suppose he did that for me? HECK NO!

Not once has he said, "I love you--we'll get through this" or "It'll be okay" or even thought to say something nice so *I* wouldn't be so hurt. He's so focused on himself that he is losing his home, his wife, his children, his job...everything!! Honestly, I think his mind is sick right now--really not well AT ALL. He is an absolute controlaholic, and I don't think he wants to be accountable for his behavior--he wants to do what he wants to do, even if it hurts me or the kids...and the fact that we are trying to "control" that has sent him over the edge!!!

But he has to go through this. He is making the choice, and he is out, and he is dumping it all on me. I have to do this all by myself and I am SO AFRAID!!! I know that I am going to have to do some stuff, to protect myself, that is not stuff that I want to do...and I hate this!!! Why can't he just face his problems, work our making our marriage happy--for him and for me--and deal with his rage so that it NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN!??

Sigh.

I wish he would call and tell me, "I have been such a fool. You were such a good wife for staying with me and supporting me, and I squandered it. I broke your heart and left you alone and scared, when what I should have done is held you close and comforted you." Where did THAT husband go??? Does that man even exist anymore???

I'm a mess. It seems like I can't think straight and I'm walking through mud. I want to go to bed early tonight, just to get some sleep, but I'm sure my mind will be RACING with how to do all of this alone!! It's so overwhelming. And tomorrow morning, thank God I have an appointment with the MC...not that there's much of a marriage to save!

At this point, DH thinks he is taking the weekend to disappear and then he will decide if he wants to come home. NOPE; unless the MC totally convinces me otherwise, I plan to implement a strict, no-contact Plan B for at least two weeks. Somehow I have got to communicate that there is a serious consequence for treating me like this! Of course, part of me just wants to "cave in" and let him come home--but he has GOT to realize that he can not treat someone he "loves" like this!!!

I'm also thinking of talking to my personal counselor (who specializes in emotionally/verbally abused women) to see if she has any ideas or resources she could suggest. I mean...I'm a mess, but she's been through this with women before, so she must know a thing or two!

What a shocker, huh? I'm still alive, and the kids and I are hanging in there, but it's just so surreal. I know one thing...I can not live through this again. I lived through it once and it almost killed me...I can not do this again. I know I can do it, and I know how to take care of myself and my kids, and I know I can be happy without him even! But I don't want this!!! Why doesn't he just care about me???

CJ

FaithfulWife,

I say this with all respect and mean every word to help you.

The reason he treats you the way he does is simply because you allow it. Thats it!!!! No other reason..

When you start to act on the principles of self respect and dignity and confidence, then you will get respect back. You are treating yourself as if you are a nobody. WRONG !!! The thing is, that everybody in the world can tell you that, but until you FEEL it yourself, it is useless words in the wind.

Isn't it time that you took the bull by the horns and dumped this person who is causing the pain that you say you dont want, but keep going back to ask for more pain. Does that really make any sense? Why are you going after the pain? If you kept hitting your hand with a hammer, wouldnt you at some point quit doing it? Or would you just keep saying, "Well next time I hit my hand maybe it wont hurt"?

You can do this. You can make it all by yourself, and as a matter of fact as you start to show yourself that you ARE doing it, you will start to wonder why you have put up with this man for so long. Its time.. Make your decision and dont look back... You do not need or really want a life like this do you? There are thousands and thousands of men that would like a good woman like you, and would treat you like a queen. Go after that type of man .

There is nothing wrong with you NOW.. You only think there is, because of His view. He is wrong.

Dear Faithful Wife,
Your post made me cry. I can relate so much to what you are going through because I could say exactly the same things about my STBXH: mood swings, control, infidelity, verbal abuse. I, too, was willing to forgive an unbelievable list of transgressions against the children and me for the purpose of keeping our family together. I, too, begged him to try a little longer and a little harder to make our marriage work. I, too, had a husband who would let me cry myself to sleep and would just ignore me as though there was nothing wrong. Why couldn't they just put their arms around us and say "let's fix it"???

Faithful, your primary emotion right now is fear. The idea of doing it all yourself is totally overwhelming - I know because I live it every day. But, you know what? The fear eventually goes away. You learn that you really can do it all yourself. And then you start to look back and you realize that you were doing most of it yourself anyway. What was he really doing to help you? Was he providing emotional support? Probably not - the emotional support was going to someone else. Was he providing financial support - probably, but how much of it was being squandered on someone else? Did he help you with the kids? Was he a good father, or was he preoccupied with his work, his activities, and his playmate? What about the mood swings - did you and the kids walk on eggshells wondering what he was going to be like when he walked in the door? Did he embarrass you in public with his verbal abuse or mood swings?

Right now you cannot imagine being happy without him. You have worked long and hard to keep this marriage together, and you can honestly say you did everything you could. Now the ball is truly in his court. He is going to have to do a lot of changing to be able to come back to you. Is it possible for him to change that much? Would you ever feel secure again or would you always be wondering when he would change back into the evil twin once more?

Right now you are in the depth of despair and my heart goes out to you. Just know that it will get better - you will not feel this awful forever. Just revel in what you do have - the love of your children, and your intelligence and your abilities - they will take you so far! And know that there are things you have that he will never have - your dignity, your self-respect, the respect and love of your friends, and the knowledge that you did everything you could to make your marriage survive.

Take care of yourself, and good luck. Keep us posted.

Cindy,

Please get out now!! Go talk to a lawyer..He won't
change..he knows you will just take him back..
when he will make these promises again..you always
have..and it's just gotten worse every time..

PLEASE!!! GET OUT NOW!!! Call Your counselor..
and ask if she can refer to you to a lawyer who
can help you..

You are a person..so are your kids..Think about them too..is this what you want them to accept from there husbands when they grow up and get married??? Because they are learning that it doesn't matter what a man does..a woman stays and takes it..they may not be so lucky to get out alive if they marry a man like their father..

Cindy...YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS!!! GET OUT NOW!!!
HE LEFT..DON'T TAKE HIM BACK...

HIS WORDS ARE LIES!!! JUST Look at his ACTIONS!!!

LISTEN TO THOSE..STOP LOOKING for him to comfort you..HE WON'T!!!

I know this sounds mean and hateful to you right now..But dang it..You've stayed way to long as it is..You've done everything YOU can do..Let him fall on his face on his own..

As far as the customers they are HIS customers..
HE LEFT THEM TOO..just tell them..I'm sorry..but he doesn't live here anymore..and I am not qualified to step in and take over his accounts..
you'll have to find someone else to do business with..THIS IS SOMETHING HE WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH
ALONE!!! One of the MANY Consequences he will have to face..so let the cards fall where they may..and let HIM PICK THEM UP!!!

You aren't responsible for his cards he is..let
him sort through the mess he created..

and you just sort through your own cards for you and your girls...

Cindy, we love you..and we are sad with you..we
hurt with you..but you have to be able to pick yourself up here..and we can offer you support
but you have to do the work..

Can one day be up and down at the same time?? I'm getting motion sickness!!

* * * * *
I woke up alone (down)

I got my son off to school on time (up--for me!)

I got some groceries (up)

My H called and when I said, "I'm choosing to stop talking now because it's getting tense" he hung up on me (down-down)

Spoke with Marriage Counselor (up)
BTW: his advice was SAFETY FIRST--Plan B!! "Let him hit bottom all by himself and face his rage."

Cried because customer called and yelled at me because I couldn't fix their system (down)

Pulled myself together and FIGURED IT OUT BY MYSELF!! YAY!! (up)

Cried because I have to do everything by myself--felt a little paralyzed (down)

Just DID it!! (sort of up-ish)

Got computers ordered by myself! (up)
(It's 101 outside and I have to drive across town to get them, but I got the job done!)

Got an email that said it wasn't worth it to try to talk to me anymore (down)

Saw son at football practice--it was fun! (up)

H was at football and was distant (down)

Cried because...because I just did. I'm sad and this hurts and I'm abandoned!! (down)

Had dinner with just me and my son (UP!)

H said I hurt him just as much with what I do to him as he hurts me when he rages at me (way down--he still blames me)

Friend got some very bad news (downish)

Another friend is doing better--coping well(upish)

My daughter agreed to sleep with me tonight in the gigantic, king-size bed that is supposed to hold TWO (up)

I talked to a friend who has gone through very similar circumstances--she was supportive (up)

Going to bed without my H (down)
* * * * *

See what I mean?? Up, Down, Up, Down! I need some dramamine!! I suppose it is to be expected. I just pray that I have to courage to do what it is a know that I need to do. I also pray that I have to courage to resist his attempts to move back "when he's ready." The same old pattern would just happen again!

I'm working on my Plan B letter. This is a relief and a sorrow all at the same time. It's a relief because I'm taking steps to protect myself. It's a sorrow because I have to even write one!!

I'll check in tomorrow!

CJ

Faithfulwife, much strength to you! Based on your post, you seem to have the inner strength to overcome this. Protect your heart. Obtain good legal advice. Get medication from your doctor if you need it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by c++_guy:
<strong>This has been a long time in coming...

I am here for you on IM if you need it and, hey, if I really need a good N=Scale locomotive, I may go out to Plum Loco in Denver!

God Bless You, Dear CJ. Whatever you need, just ask.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WAAAHHHH! You are my favorite, VB!! I'm sure we'll hook up on IM one of these nights, but until then...I'm so glad to have you as one of my friends. Thank you GOD for VB!!

CJ

Boy, Keepmvn4wrd, I just HAD to respond to you!!!

You wrote:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Keepmvn4wrd:
<strong>FaithfulWife,

I say this with all respect and mean every word to help you.

The reason he treats you the way he does is simply because you allow it. Thats it!!!! No other reason.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know what?? I know this. For a fact, I know that this is indeed the case. And I understand that you are speaking out of respect and help. Since this is the way I have always been treated, though, I am having trouble defining any other way. It's so...unnatural to me that I can't really see it in my head. Does that make any sense? That's why I need to the Plan B time--to either see the picture in my head OR to create a picture in my head of what respectful treatment would look like.

I do know this...respectful treatment is a LONG way from where we are today.

Next you wrote:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> When you start to act on the principles of self respect and dignity and confidence, then you will get respect back. You are treating yourself as if you are a nobody. WRONG !!! The thing is, that everybody in the world can tell you that, but until you FEEL it yourself, it is useless words in the wind. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, I am beginning to believe this. What I mean is that the more I get through this, and do a good job, and protect my own self and my kids, and live a life without him that I enjoy...the more confident I feel. And BTW, I am not a nobody.

Then came the good stuff. You wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Isn't it time that you took the bull by the horns and dumped this person who is causing the pain that you say you dont want, but keep going back to ask for more pain. Does that really make any sense? Why are you going after the pain? If you kept hitting your hand with a hammer, wouldnt you at some point quit doing it? Or would you just keep saying, "Well next time I hit my hand maybe it wont hurt"? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ding-ding-ding. Tell the man what he's won! This is exactly what I am working through right now--what is it about me that makes me want him back? Why would I allow myself to be treated this way AND GO BACK FOR MORE??? I rarely use this word, but in this instance I will--that's stupid. And do defend...I'm not cutting myself down...I'm just saying that it is not a very wise or smart decision. So WHY do I do it?? What is it about me??

Soooo...thanks for your post. I needed a kick in the heiney.

CJ

<small>[ August 17, 2002, 01:55 AM: Message edited by: FaithfulWife ]</small>

CJ; I've just "run" through these posts, but have you read Patricia Evans " Verbally Abusive Relationship"? It may help you see where and how to place some limits when dealing with an abuser.

And why we keep returning.

CJ
Are you sure we are not sisters? LOL (Maybe...if your father visited Europe/or mine USA...)
I am in your shoes. It's so hard to change your way of thinking about yourself after so many yrs of being assured you are "the second".
In my case even my own parents put my ex on the first place always. So I still can't find selfrespect, pride...
and above all I still live in false hope about the possibility of his coming back to me, even if it will be only when she (his new wife) will kick HIM out of her life.
It's fooly, stupid...
When you find a recepiet how to establish self respect, please let me know.
In the meantime I wish you to be more succesful and smarter than me and to listen to Keepmvn4wrd (that's advice for me also)
Hang on
D

cj - I was gone until Saturday night and just made my way through this thread. The post-vacation stuff takes a lot of time. On my lunch break I read all this.

Yup, it's a roller coater thing, grief always is. And this grieveing is for the relationship, not the person. But it's very much like other grief.

I wish I could be there to give you a hug. And I wish I could have reached you when I was passing through Denver Friday.

You do deserve better than this. Lots better. And it will get better. My D was final 3-1/2 years ago, and I still get angry about it sometimes. But I would rather have this life than the one I had with him, at least the emotional aspects of my life.

You are strong and brave and a joy to know. I see much in you to emulate. You're a good woman and things will be better. You're already proving that to yourself.

Call me anytime.

You know I care....and I'll let you play in the kingdom any time you wish.

BTW, you talk about customers, what happened to the Feds?

{{{CJ}}}

Darn, come back to see how everyone is doing and get your thread. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It IS up and down, it is horrible, but give it a few days and you'll wonder why you spent so long trying to hold it all together. The kids are less stressed, we quit walking on eggshells trying to please someone who could never be pleased.

I'm now 2 years down the road from when STBX left. I remember the first 6 months... it was awful, you want to keep trying, but realize the peace of him being gone. It wasn't until the extent of abuse came to the surface that I finally said we were all better off. You know, I think sometimes it takes getting AWAY from the problem for a bit to really SEE what is happening.

I was recommended a book, Nasty Men, and it has a neat little section about it in the end. One woman spent a long time finding the right mate, the other settled. She always thought her friend was too picky, but after years of dealing with a man who treated her indeifferently, etc, she finally realized that, yes, she could settle and make do with her man, but why should she have to settle? She was worth more than the pittance of care and love the guy gave her. It made me think...

WHO ARE WE TO SETTLE? CJ, you *deserve* someone who cares for you, who thinks of you all through the day. Don't settle with your frog, you deserve a prince! The ups and downs will smooth out... you are one of the strongest people I know on these boards.

Take it one breath, one job, one day at a time. It feels weird having to change the focus to what we need for ourselves. YOU are who matters, YOUR kids are what matters. It is a hard thing to feel that chasm caving in and that there is no way to climb out of the crumbling sides, but focus on WHAT you can do, rather than the WHY and some of the stuff comes more into focus and feels doable after all. It is called despair, and it is frightening!

Focus on you, on what you need to do each different step of the day. Don't look at an entire day, just a piece at a time. You have been traumatized for years and your sense of being isn't in the normal range of how to cope. Instead of letting some things slide, after trauma, one tends to go racing out to all extremes of emotion. Remember "What about Bob?"... take baby steps, but take those baby steps for YOU! Step out and away from your H and become your own person. Do it for you and your kids.

CJ, you are a SURVIVOR! After a year in a domestic violence support group, a year of personal counseling, lots of reading to deal with the abuse on my children... I'm finally able to feel I can focus on rebuilding me and helping my kids find out what life is without abuse. It's not easy, it's not fast, but I think a lot of the true healing can't happen until one is away from the abuse.

{{{CJ}}} My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Lori

Dear CJ,

I read your recap and felt like I stepped back to last year. Boy it was so similar to mine, it was scary.

Hon, you are on the right path. One of safety for you and your children is the right path. His needs and his safety is not what he is even watching out for. U know my WS even asked that Iet him fall. He knew of no other way to get out.

So much of what you wrote is what I experienced. Maybe for not as long but I think as intense. I too was left holding the bag. You know even though we are back together, the recovery is hard and slo. For many months the WS came home and I felt unsafe. When I finally came the evident conclusion that his actions were what was causing my fears, I knew that the only way to protect myself and child was for him to leave. No other way. I could no longer worry about him. Even if it meant that we had to live out of our car. I was willing to go that far. That is when I knew I had the strength to survive.

I am a hard worker, I make good money but the WS got us into soo much debt that I felt like I was making minimum wage. I cut up all my credit cards and his. I have not charged for over 3 years. We are still paying off the bills and still have a ways to go. There was a lot lost due to his having to pay for another residence (rented room @ $800.00 per mo) plus other expenses and yes the OW was not going to pay for all what she wanted herself. He even took her on a vacation for 3 days. YUCK. We were almost evicted.

All that and more. Yet I held on. To the rest of the world I appeared stupid. Maybe I was. But I needed to hold on until I chose to stop.

Acceptance. Knowledge or realization that we are ok with ourselves. Ready to better our lives for our families with or without the WS.

You know CJ, I had several dreams with some really cool looking guys. NO PA stuff, just very caring actions (cooking me dinner, taking me shopping, walk on the beach, talked with me, asked me my opinion on various topics, showed genuine interest in me, et.c) Ok so they were dreams but it was enough to help me see that I could get along with others. That I was not an undesireable piece of meat like the Ws and OW tried to tell me.

Not only was I desireable but it was real. I knew it.

I share this with you so that you know you are desireable also.

May there be more ups in your life than downs. May those ups cushion the downs and not dip down as hard.

U R Worth it!

Hugz,
L.