My xh asked me if his new wife could come to a school parent meeting. I said no, it would be too uncomfortable and she didn't have a reason to be there, she isn't our childs parent. Well, that turned into why don't I talk to his new wife and be social. I do not comprehend this at all. Here is the gist:

I don't feel that I have to be social to my xh's new wife. I am civil and that is where I draw the line.

I don't feel that I am hurting my children by not being social with the ow. If conversation is needed regarding the children, then I will speak. Otherwise, all other matters are hands off. I do not speak about the ow negatively, I allow the children to speak about her when they want to, I don't say anything in anyway to force an opinion on them regarding her. The same is with their father.

I don't feel that bbq get togethers are a good idea. The children don't need to be anymore confused then they already are.

I can't have a friendship with xh now. There wasn't one when we were married and I will be darned if I will try and establish one now. It is over, done, finished.

What do you think of this? Is it guilt?

I guess I am going to have to forcefully lay down my boundaries. I have tried doing this in a round about way and it isn't working.

I feel that I am doing everything in the best interests of my children. Everything we were told in the parenting class we had to attend I am doing and following. My children are very well adjusted around me. I can't see where anything I have done has harmed them. I am trying to protect myself wherein I can protect them by setting boundaries.

Kathy

It's hard for me to relate since I'm (thankfully) not in the position but if your xh's new wife cares enough about your kids to attend, couldn't you consider it in the interest of your child? I know that you don't want to be 'friends' but she is the kid's stepmother and if something, heaven forbid, should happen to you, wouldn't you rather have someone who was interested in and cared about your kids than someone who didn't?

JMTCW...not worth much.

AM,

You don't have to be friends with her, but being a little "friendly" wouldn't hurt your children at all. In fact, it would be very good for them to see you acting in an adult manner for their behalf. You will surely be admired in the years to come for your actions and bravery. The fact is, she is involved in the kids lives. She could be an asset to them. What could it hurt for her to attend the conference? One more adult wanting the children to be the best they can be. One more adult willing to give their time and effort to help the children succeed. Kind of like a caring aunt.

You all assume that the OW has good intentions in wanting to attend. There is a very distinct possibility that she only wants to be there to rub in the fact that she won! If this is truly about the child then only the parent should be there. I assume the AbandonedMom is the custodial parent how much involvemtn does OW really have? In any case her X is only trying to relieve his guilt and legitimize his marriage to the OW by asking if she can attend it really has nothing to do with the child. Otherwise he wouldn't not be asking for permission he would just do it.

If he wants to bring there is nothing you can really do. If he does it just avoid her as much as possible there is no reason whatsoever that you need to socialize with her.

While I see the other posters points, I side with you on this one. It may be immature of me, but like you, I have ZERO desire to interact with OW, who was one of my best friends. She proved how much she cared about my children by breaking up their family. She has no one's best interests at heart except her own, so it isn't like two people coming together for the good of the children. I am civil, I don't badmouth them, but I'll be damned if we're all going to play happy little family. I agree with the other posters that it might be ideal for everyone to get along and be chums, but it just isn't in me. Good luck to you -I'm dealing with the exact same thing!!
Krista

His new wife has absolutely no business coming to the school conference. All matters relating to the children should be between you and your xh only.

If something were to happen to me, my H's new wife is absolutely the last person on earth that I would want taking care of my children.

If she cared about the kids, or even if she were a decent human being, she would at least know better than to intrude where she is not wanted. I don't believe for a second that she cares about the kids' welfare or their progress in school - this in entirely territorial. If she cared about the children, she would not have had the affair to begin with and destroyed the children's family. If she were even a halfway decent human being, she would not intrude and cause additional pain to Abandoned Mom.

Even in cases where the new wife was not an affair partner, she still should always stay out of matters involving the children unless both biological parents, and the children, want her to be involved. The biological parents should discipline, the biological parents should be the ones making any major decisions - in the past I have posted links to articles written by various child psychologists, etc., stating that position, and I would be glad to find them again if anyone wishes.

Why do you jump to the conclusion that it is to rub "winning" in her face? Don't understand that at all. She could do that in a million different ways. Attending a school conference certainly isn't a very good way to do it. Can't you look at this situation and see what is BEST for the children and to h*ll with all this winning stuff? Isn't what is best for them what should be considered, first, last and in between?

"? In any case her X is only trying to relieve his guilt and legitimize his marriage to the OW by asking if she can attend it really has nothing to do with the child. Otherwise he wouldn't not be asking for permission he would just do it."

May I respectfully ask how you know this? Do you know him? His motives? I see him asking his ExW as a correct respectful action on his part. If he just brings his W and doesn't ask his X about it, that would be rude and inconsiderate of him. The guy sounds like he is trying to do the right thing. My X never ask me anything like this! As far as "trying to make his Wife legitimate", she already is.

Actually, you do not have to go to a conference with her there. You are the custodial parent, and in many states (like mine) you have to give your permission for the father to be there, or he has to file an affadavit, a copy of the divorce decree stating legal joint custody, and fill out mounds of paperwork, including proving that he is not a sexual offender, in order to get ANY information from the schools about the children. In my child's school, it wasn't enough for me to say that it was all right for them to send copies of report cards, etc., to the kids' father - they even asked ME to bring in a copy of the divorce degree to prove he had joint legal custody. I had a very hard time getting the schools to even notify him of meetings. It is highly unlikely that any teacher will risk violating confidentiallity laws by sharing information about your child with a non-parent, especially if the teacher knows that you do not want her to do so.

<small>[ August 15, 2002, 04:50 PM: Message edited by: Nellie1 ]</small>

No, she is NOT legitimate. NO RELATIONSHIP THAT BEGINS AS AN AFFAIR CAN EVER BE LEGITIMATE.

A respectful action?!?!? LOL the man had an affair dumped his wife and child. And you call this a respectful man? If AM were to socialize with the OW then that would say that what they did to her was okay. AM is forced to deal with her xH because of their childn she doesn't have to deal with OW. A marriage that began as an affair is not a legitmate marriage according to my values.

FM are you an OW? I have read posts of yours before and you seem to sympathize with WS and OP

"The biological parents should discipline, the biological parents should be the ones making any major decisions - in the past I have posted links to articles written by various child psychologists, etc., stating that position, and I would be glad to find them again if anyone wishes. "

This is what I have read also. And of course, totally agree with the child psychologists. This is a bit different though. A step parent IS involved in the childrens lives. Some more than others according to shared custody or not. I doubt you would find a psychologist who would back you on a step parent staying totally out of the childrens lives. It doesn't work because this woman lives with the father. If you have articles stating this, would you please share them? I would like to read them. Thanks!

Actually, my xh WAS going to bring her without asking and his wife was the one that asked him if he asked me about it. There is nothing I can do if she does come but I feel she has no right to be there. I am the primary custodial parent, I spend the most time with my children. My xh gets the children every other weekend for two days. I would see a point in her being there if I was not around or a deadbeat mother. I just feel she could get involved in other ways. Plus, I haven't even had time to get over their marriage....they got married 3 weeks ago. All of this is too soon, there hasn't been enough adjustment, there are too many fresh feelings.

I do feel he is trying to force acceptance for walking out on his family and messing around with the ow and now being married to her. He thinks things aren't as good as they could be. I think things are fine.....there are no arguments, we are civil to each other, we discuss the children together. What more can you ask for? That is all I can give.

I just don't have respect for someone who messed around with my xh while we were still married. I don't see her as a good role model for my children.

I have to set up my boundaries, I have to protect me and my children. We can't get hurt anymore. We are finally climbing up out of this pit that we have been in for so long.

Thanks for all of your advice and support
Kathy

I sympathize WITH THE CHILDREN. Always. Not sure why that is such a hard concept to grasp. It isn't about what is best for the adults now is it? My ExH cheated on me, so I am an XBW. Nellie, yes, she is legitimate. It is only a legal term and she has the legal paper to prove it. Now, whatever else this woman is, I have no idea.

"A respectful action?!?!? LOL the man had an affair dumped his wife and child. And you call this a respectful man? "

Don't confuse the issue. What he did before was not what I was referring to. I was talking about him asking her permission. Consulting her. Him divorcing his W has nothing to do with my comment on the issue at hand. I haven't the slightest idea what type of man he is. And neither do you.

TheFeminineSide,

Sorry to have to be blunt, but hey, why not cut to the chase.

I don't believe that you are being entirely honest about your motivations to so adamantly support the OW/replacement wife's involvement in a parent teacher conference.

Reasons why this is NOT AT ALL good for the kids:

* They have a mommy, they have a daddy. Think from the kid's POV (point of view). Legal status of the new wife makes not one bit of difference to a child. Their world has been ripped apart.

* The focus of the meeting should be on the educational and social well-being of the child. Her presence does nothing to contribute to this and would undoubtedly be an unnescessary distraction from the subject at hand.

* The fact that daddy wants to bring his new honey along shows the kid that he cares more about her than he does about his own child.

* If dad and mom can't focus in the best interests of the child TOGETHER, they can meet with the teacher seperately, still without interferance of OW.

You may well have been a betrayed spouse, but c'mon, spill...what's the REST of the story?

Nobody is going to hate you here, all of us have issues, and just about anyone who is looking for answers is welcome here!

AbandonedMom,

Was H interested in going to these school meetings before the D?

If he shows up with her, I agree that you just have to be civil and bite your tongue.

If his intention is just to show off the replacement wife, he's thinking with the wrong head.

Maybe new wife will surprize you and refuse to go!
Wouldn't that be refreshing! Could be a great way for her to show that she truly does care about his kids!

BW

Well, my xh's wife didn't show up and that was for the best all around. Thank you all for your comments, advice and support.

TheFeminineSide- I have to agree with the others. Why are you sticking up for the ow? I feel like my xh is pushing her on me and trying to force her on my children. My children haven't had any time to deal with the D let alone his new marriage. I believe there is a line that shouldn't be crossed as far as the relationship between my xh's wife and my children. I still feel there was no reason for her to be there at the parent/teacher conference and in the end she didn't show up. My children have both their parents and I just don't see what benefit my child would have received with his parents at the meeting as well as his new stepmother. It would be different if I wasn't around or something. She may be my children's stepmother but their education is my business. There are other areas where she can be involved in their lives, stepping on my toes is not one of them. She may be their stepmother, but she is not their mother and she never will be. I am their mother and I always will be!

AbandonedMom I agree with your way of thinking. I think I have just about all of the grounds covered. Years ago I was the OW and I married the OM. I was also a BS by my ex. I have custody of my two children and I also have 2 step children. Their mother has custody but we have visitation. My ex has joint legal so he can attend conferences etc..and my husband has joint legal and does attend conferences for his kids. My step children have a good mother. They live with their mother and she's an involved parent. My husband is a very involved dad. Both of those kids HAVE two involved parents. Decisions should and are made by the bio parents. It would be different if the kids lived with us or their mother wasn't around. But she is. She's in the same situation you are. It's not my place. That does not mean that I do not care about my step kids. I do. When they are in our home I respect them and I help care for them. Discipline (if needed) is done by their father. Now if the step kids are in a school play or a choir concert I attend. Kids are so excited about putting on a show that they want as many to attend that can. My kids (their step siblings) also attend these type of functions. My husband's ex and I do talk but it is in regards to the children only. Both of us are polite to each other. With my ex it is a different situation. I was the first to have the affair in my first marriage with my ex having a revenge affair a couple of weeks after discovering mine. He had some major issues with me, our marriage and our divorce and his girlfriend knew it. She started out right away (remember a girlfriend-they were not married) trying to attend conferences. She also called the school and told them she was me. Cancelled my daughter and I out of our girlscout troop and enrolled my daughter in a troop she started up from her home. Just all kinds of stuff. She was not doing these things because she wanted to be a super step mom. She did it out of jealousy and hate for me. Onfortunately for her she openly admitted it in front of ex's family. They told her off and she hasn't been allowed in their home for almost 5 years now. The school also threatened to press charges. Since then ex is on and off in regards to his visitation. He's a lousy dad. My husband (their step dad) does NOW attend their activities and their conferences. But, their dad doesn't want too. He's un-involved and the kids live with their step dad full-time. I think it depends on the situation and in your situation I think the step mom should allow two involved bio parents to parent the children,not her.

Abandonedmom - Ughhhhhhhhh!

I am facing the same situation with my Ex. He wants the "stepmom" on the emergency contact information at my boys school.

Now tell me if I'm overracting, but 1. I have NO realtionship of anykind with this woman - so how can I trust her to make a decision in an emergency situation for my kids. 2. She is Ex's wife and yes, by default the kid's stepmom, but she has no legal relationship to my children. 3. Let's go back to 1. - I have no relationship with this woman - I don't talk to her or even see her when I pick up the kids - so how is she supposed to call me in an emergency?

Now you're scaring me with the parent teacher conference thing because I hadn't even thought about that, but I suppose I'll have to deal with that next!

The OW, now Mrs. Ex. has changed her last name to Exs. too. I for one told my kids that I'm not changing my last name because I want people to know that I'm their mom. What do OW's girls think? Talk about total and complete abandonment.

Her girls know that their dad is a saint and they see their mom totally being a pushover for this new guy. Puke.

Ex says that her girls are handling everything beautifully - which I know is not true - but even so, those feelings are in there somewhere, and if Ex and OW aren't letting their kids express them now, they'll only come out in a really BAD way in the future.

I'm handling the marriage better than I thought, and I have almost completely gotten all of the feelings for Ex out of my system - for the most part. Ex just makes me sick and I can't even remember being married to him.

Maybe it was so horrible I just blocked it all out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hope your situation has resolved itself. I founf that as soon as I say yes to one of Ex's demands, he suddenly doesn't want what he demanded anymore.......

Hang in there. K

Abandoned Mom,

After reading your later posts, I would have to agree with her not attending the conference. It really wasn't a case of "sticking up" for the new W. I don't know her. The only ones I stick up for are the children. After all, they are the only ones without any choice in these situations. Having been through what you are experiencing now,I know first hand the emotions that can hit you. I know, that most women do not react the way in which they wish they would have later. Have you ever read "Crazy Time"? Great book on the emotions that women go through during divorce. I was trying to offer clear headed advice for you. So many women on this board are hurting far to much to offer any "sane" advice. That is NOT a slam to anyone. It is only the facts of divorce. My opinion was based on false assumptions on my part. The main one being that the NW (new wife) would be involved in the childrens lives on school days, hence the NEED for her to know about what the teacher expects in regard to homework. Since the children do not even spend time with their father on those days, it is a mute point.

I read something this past weekend I would like to pass along to you. Thought it was great advice and pertains to your situation. The book advises the father to have this talk with the mother, but since your ExH doesn't seem to be taking the lead perhaps you should? This is what it says.

1) Have a talk with the your ExH regarding raising the children (alone, no kids, no NW). I would advise meeting him in a public place where you two can freely talk. (perhaps lunch?)

2) Express to him that the parents should be the only ones to be making decisions regarding the kids. That you two will remain parenting partners even though you are no longer married to one another.

3) Talk to him about what the NW should be called by the children. (Mother, or any form of it is not acceptable)

4) Talk to him about the importance of the NW not disciplining the children. This is the parents job!

5) Discuss with him any other issues you have with the children and his NW at this time.

The book does not say to, but if I were in your shoes, I would arrange a luncheon with the NW. The purpose would be to tell her your views on childrearing and what you expect from her in this area when the children are at their home. If you go about this in the right way, I think it can aleve some of your concerns regarding your children.

BW,
"Nobody is going to hate you here, all of us have issues, and just about anyone who is looking for answers is welcome here! "

Thank you. Don't have any issues to share right now. Perhaps when I start my D I will.

<small>[ August 19, 2002, 11:48 AM: Message edited by: TheFeminineSide ]</small>

TFS,

Great post!

Please forgive me for having mis-understood.

And thanks for being willing to offer support for AbandonedMom. She's been thru alot.

I hope you don't have to come to the point of D, but if you do, MB is the place to be!

BW