Friends,
I've been coming to this BB for months now, reading posts. Finally decided to register and post today. Perhaps it is due to just venting, as I'm basically a loner, and have no close friends to discuss this with. Perhaps it is because I want this to serve as a warning to anyone reading this, that it CAN happen to you. I never thought it would happen to me, but I also know the old adage of "you play, you pay", as well as the biblical warning of "there is pleasure in sin for a season", are nothing but the whole and complete truth.
August 1976: At the age of 21, I married the girl of my dreams. We had dated off and on for 3 years, 1 year steady and soley. Had a pretty normal life, except for having our one and only child within the first 18 months of marriage. In 1980, we both were born again, and began to faithfully attend church, and enjoy an ever-increasing spiritual life. We stayed close to the Lord for probably 10 years, and even taught a SS class together. I even had the blessed opportunity to preach twice in a local church. Slowly but surely, however, we did not lean on the Lord as we should have. Time spent together was replaced with time in front of the TV for her, and time in front of the stereo for me. By the mid 1990s, my wife had gained considerable weight (I'd estimate 80 pounds). This, combined with her 5'1" frame, was a total turnoff for me. In addition, she became quite the snorer at night, and I found myself having trouble getting to sleep. To ice the cake, she bought a new mattress, supposedly to help her back, but it was so firm, I simply could not tolerate it. I moved to the spare bedroom. Lovemaking was rare, perhaps 4x/year, mostly due to my not wanting to. 1996 came, and found us with a new addition - a PC with online capabilities. Not having anywhere specifically to put the PC, it landed in my bedroom. 1997 found me online while she watched TV from the time we finished supper until bedtime. I usually spent the weekends doing yardwork or working in my woodshop, while she would go on shopping marathons with her mom and sister. By the way, our daughter left for college in 1996, and is still in school, trying to decide what her occupation will be. So you can see, there was no quality time being spent at all. We would kiss and hug goodbye in the mornings, kiss and hug hello in the evenings, kiss and hug goodnight, but that was about it. We had our pet names for each other, and for the most part, looked like a couple in love to everyone around us. Our homelife was completely different however. I started getting into the chat rooms, seeing what I could get into. I had several "online girlfriends" but I always checked their profiles and made sure they lived far enough away from me that there would never be any temptation on either of our parts to meet face to face. All this time, except for the EAs on the PC, I had been faithful to my wife, until sometime in 1998, I had a one-nighter with a co-worker. I promised myself and God that this would never happen again, and as far as I know, my wife never found out about it. Sometimes, I would tire of the online life, and being away from my wife, and would sit in the den with her as she watched TV. There would be no talking, at her request, except during commercials, so usually I'd just sit and read a magazine or a book. We would go out to eat every Friday night - as I said before, we seemed to be a happy couple to everyone around us. In February of 2000, I "met" online a new friend. Checked her profile - ok, I was safe again because she was nearly one thousand miles away. Her marriage was about like mine - more roommates than anything, but even then I told her not to get attached to me because, even though my marriage was far from perfect, there is no way I'd ever leave. Our online chats evolved to talking on the phone during work hours. To my surprise, three months after meeting online, she announced she was coming to meet me face to face. Apparently her marriage had deteriorated far worse than mine, as there was no way I could have left home for a week without reason. We met, and my 2nd affair began. There was one difference between this one and the first one: this one would last. She would make trips down, and instead of going to work, I'd take vacation and see her each day she was in town. The weekends were tough - I'd sneak away when I could, but for the most part, she would be in the motel alone. The lovemaking was fantastic, the conversation was great, the time spent together was great. I was no longer satisfied at home, and it showed in my attitude. One Saturday in late May 2000, my wife noticed this, and asked if I was not happy. I told her that I wasn't. We agreed to seperate. But by the next day, because of so much agony and many tears, I had decided to stay. A few days later, she came home with a newspaper, handed it to me, and it was turned to the classified ads, with apartments for rent highlighted. I asked her, "What is this? I thought I was staying." She said, no, I thought I'd help you find a place. So in June 2000, I moved out. Daughter was home for the summer, and I'm sure she and my wife had a great time shopping, etc. By August, it was time for my little girl to head back to school. Wife didn't want to stay at the house alone, so we went through the motions of putting it back together. We read HNHN, did all the questionaires, and I moved back home. I was still having contact with, and seeing when I got the chance, my "friend" through all this. I put myself in counseling, wanting my cake and wanting to eat it, too. Of course, the counselor always said, if you want your marriage to work, you MUST terminate all contact with the 3rd party. By October 2000, I finally realized the counselor was right, and the guilt I felt inside would not let me continue seeing the OW until I had given the marriage at least a fair shot. After much resistance on her part, the OW finally agreed, but was so upset about it, threatened suicide. Her parents got involved, and I personally was threatened with a "If something happens to our daughter, you WILL be seeing us" from her father. In any case, for the time being, the affair was over. The same day that the OW agreed to get out of the picture, I went to my wife, sat down with her, and said, "Whatever it takes - counseling, talking to a preacher, whatever, let's do it. Let's make it right." She immediately said, It's too late - I'm leaving. I begged and pleaded with her for the next 3 nights after we got home from work, but to no avail. She finally said, There is no sense in discussing it any further - I'm leaving, and that's that. Just for the readers information here, I am still relatively sure to this day that she knew nothing of either affair, although I'm sure she could tell something was wrong with me. Seems all I could do was to sit and look at my wife, and cry. I could see it all falling apart, but either didn't know how to stop it, or didn't want to stop it, or simply didn't have the guts to stop it. November 18th, 2000, she, her brother, and a few helpers, assisted her in moving her belongings that had accumulated over the previous 23 years, and she walked out of my life. In December, I resumed my relationship with the OW, who had left her husband the same weekend I moved back home in August. My wife and I had almost no contact whatsoever during the seperation period. In February 2001, during a rare phone conversation, my wife told me she was not coming back home. Of course, this didn't bother me too much, because, even though she was 1000 miles away, I still "had" the OW. Our rendezvous became more frequent - we would meet halfway between her state and mine. Soon it became an almost-every-weekend-thing. We had a blast. By May of 2001, my marriage, of course, continued to die, as there was no contact, no face to face meetings, no dates, between me and my wife. By June 2001, she pushed me to refinance and give her her portion of the equity in the house. I did so. Nothing really changed - I was still seeing the OW whenever possible, and I don't know what my wife did to occupy her time, but as far as I know, she has had very few dates. By August 2001, the OW and I had tired of the weekend trips, so she decided to give up everything she had - a 20 year career, her family, etc..and move to be with me. The first weekend of September 2001, she and her parents arrived in town, and she rented an apartment close by, but it was only to serve as a place for her to stay whenever my daughter came home from school. Her dad drove the truck with her belongings, and her mom rode in the car with her. Months passed - no contact between me and my wife except for an occasional email about a bill or something to do with our daughter. November 2001 marked the one year seperation period required before divorce is filed. I could not bring myself to do it since the holidays were upon us, so I waited until after New Year 2002. Divorce was final 2/02. The OW and I, while we have had our share of fights and disagreements, for the most part, enjoyed a relaxing and satisfying life. The only interruptions were the occasional trips to see her parents, and their occasional trips here to see her. Of course, our daughter, being raised in a Christian home, has fought this all the way. I know in my heart none of it is biblical. None of it. It is amazing how far a person can backslide on God. In late June of this year, figuring there was nothing really left to do but propose, I asked the OW to marry me. She accepted, and we began making plans for an August wedding. Then, all of a sudden, her ex announces that he, too, is ready to start a new life of his own, and wants her son (his stepson - yes, she has been married twice before) out of the apartment. This son (20 years old)immediately wants to come to live in the same town Mom is now in. Momma, of course, cannot tell her own flesh and blood no, so last weekend, her parents transport him and his few belongings here. He has a 6 year history of drug and alcohol abuse, as well as completely running over his mom and bleeding her dry for money. Hmmmm, I ask myself, what am I getting into? The word gets back to my now ex-wife that I am getting remarried, and she sends email after email to me...first, hateful, then, she softens up, saying she we could have made it, etc....and all the emotions that have been pent up on both sides are now flowing freely. But, I continue on with my plans. It has now been 13 months since my wife (ex) have seen each other face to face - it was truly a wierd seperation. 13 months...until.......yesterday. Monday of this week, my cellphone rang - it was her. She was crying, and saying, Do you really love her? How can someone else take my place? What does she have that I don't have? I said, listen, if you want to talk, now is not the time. If you want to talk, we will make plans to meet. So yesterday, we met at a local park. We sat and talked and laughed and cried, for 6 hours. It seems she has now accepted that the marriage is over, and simply wanted to say she was sorry for the part she played in it. I basically said the same. Told her I still loved her, and think I always will. Told her she will always be #1 to me, no matter what, and friends, she will. 24 years is a long time, folks. I don't think I will ever get over her. Ever. I used to look around and see marriages failing left and right, but I always had a feeling that, even though far from perfect, I was in a marriage that would go the duration. So, all this brings me to the present...two weeks from tomorrow the OW and I are scheduled to be married. (By the way, the OW hit the ceiling because I spent 6 hours with my ex, so not only did I have to deal with all the emotions I experienced with the ex, but then had to deal with the OW cussing and ranting and raving and threatening to leave and go to a motel for the night, when I got home.) The OW fully knows that the ex is probably the only threat she has. She did not go to the motel, but went to bed in a different bedroom. But, when I woke up this morning, she was in bed with me. Anyway, two weeks from right now, I will be another woman's husband. Will this new marriage make it? No. Why, you may ask? Well, we are two different people, from two different cultures. We both have tempers, we both are headstrong. We both have baggage from the past. She is a very beautiful woman on the outside - any man would be glad to have her, but sometimes she is not so pretty inside. Could she make me happy? She could. Will she? I don't think so - it simply does not seem to be that important to her. She, and her whole famly say that I am the best thing that has ever happened to her, and she has changed for the better in many ways, but sometimes I just feel she was so scarred by past relationships that she simply does not know how to work on one. I can be good to her - that is no problem. I can make her happy - that is no problem. Here is where the biggest problem really lies, as foolish as it may sound, and as foolish as I know you nice people know that I am: The truth is, I feel I know where I belong. When our conversation was over yesterday, and I saw my beloved ex walking back to her vehicle alone, with her head down, defeated, tired, hopeless, my heart just broke. I, and I alone, have done this to her. Oh, I know she played a part also - I know it takes two to make it, and two to break it, but I did this. I should have been stronger. I should have made love to her when she wanted to. I should have cherished her. Oh, she can be something to deal with, like all of us can at times, but really, she is a sweet woman, and deserves better. Folks, I know I am crazy. I know you all are thinking, it is much too early for me to be getting married, because not only are you not over your ex, you know in your heart it is not right. And friends, you are correct. I know in my heart that this new marriage I am about to enter into has as much chance of surviving as a snowball where the devil is. Why, then am I doing it? I feel trapped. I feel I have no choice. I feel an obligation to the OW because she gave up so much to be with me. I fear the repercussions from her as well as her relatives. In addition, even with all the problems that we have, the OW still firmly believes it will work. Or perhaps she is just too ashamed to pack it up and move back home and eat crow. Don't get me wrong - we DO have many good times, but we've also had more fights in the last several months she's been here than my ex and I had during the entire course of the marriage. It seems the only way to prove to her that it won't work, is to get married and show her it won't work. People, you may go ahead and tell me I'm stupid, that I'm a wimp, and all the other things you want to call me, but I will almost take any and all bets that this is what will happen: We will get married, and I'll give it two years at the most. Then, assuming she is available, and assuming she will have me back, I am going to go running back to the arms of the one I've always loved. Back to the arms of the one I'm meant to be with. I know there is a great possibility of this backfiring, and I end up a lonely man. But at this point, I just don't know. You know, it's funny...we always hear how men are the stronger vessel. I disagree. If I was strong, I'd go home today and tell the OW exactly how I feel. Still, I play the game. And still, I pay for playing. And so it goes.
People, thank you for listening. And people, please, listen to me. It may seem easy to leave your wife of 23 years and fall into the arms of another. It may seem blissful to have fireworks sex and a younger (by 6 years) and beautiful woman. LISTEN TO ME!! You will live to regret it - and that regret may just follow you for the rest of your days. Don't let it happen to you. If you and your spouse are having trouble, don't leave. Don't give up. Keep working on it. Stay together. I wish we had.
Goodnight for now.

<small>[ August 26, 2002, 11:52 AM: Message edited by: whatawaste ]</small>

whatawaste

I really hurt for you man. I heard a sermon once, and the principle is so true. Sin takes you further than you want to go, keeps you longer than you want to stay, and costs more than you want to pay.

Right now, sin is holding you for longer than you want to stay. I hate to say it, but unless you stop letting it run your life and give control to God, it will continue to cost more than you want to pay.

You need to run from the OW with all your might, and do whatever it takes to win your wife back. Sounds like you've spent a lot of time doing what's wrong, maybe it's time to start doing what's right.

I'll be praying for you bro.

Here is my take. If there is any chance at all of working things out with your wife, do it now!!
Your obligation is to God and to your wife - until death. If she were remarried I would look at it different but she is not. Talk to your X and seek help. But dont get yourself into something that you know is wrong because you feel obligated. If you can work it out with your x do so and let OW down as easy as possible. The police and a good lawyer can keep you protected.

Good luck and beware that you should also tell your X the whole truth and start things out right!

JC

WhatAWaste,
With all due respect... I think you answered your own question and should heed your own advice.
Stop inflicting pain on all concerned and do what is right.
Go back to your "W", if she will take you back.
It's the right thing to do... both morally and scriptually.
You already know in your heart what the answer is.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

What a waste is right! You don't honestly think your xW will be waiting for you? If you do then you need serious psychological help. YOur eW will have moved on and you will have nothing.

whatawaste,

You are a good writer, it must have felt good to get all of that off of your chest and in black and white. Your poor wife has been through a lot. Funny thing is, the way you write you sound like you respect your wife (ex wife now) and not your OW. I mean, you are calling the woman you're supposed to marry in two weeks OW instead of your fiancee'. I don't mean to be rough here, but do you think OW would want to marry you knowing how you feel about your ex-wife.

Have you read about absolutlte honesty here at this site? No, your marriage will not have a snowball's chance in hell without it, just like your first didn't. You did some really crappy things and here we all are feeling sorry for you like you're some sort of victim here.

Please please don't marry anyone for a long long time. Talk honestly to both of these women. If you've read a lot on this site you will see over and over again that people just want honesty. It hurts so much less in the long run if you just have the truth do deal with instead of trying to sort through mountains of lies. You can see that the truth always comes through in the end anyway can't you.

Talk to OW. Talk to your ex-wife. Talk to a shrink. Talk to Steve Harley. Don't get married - it is supposed to mean something, be sacred and wonderful. Wait it out.

o&a has it right on, here.

You need to be honest with everyone involved. Geez, during that 6-hr convo with your xW, you STILL didn't tell her that her M failed because you had multiple affairs??

No, the only thing you can do now to stop this horrible situation from going on forever is to be honest. Completely and with everybody involved.

You say you taught Sunday school? Think back on what you taught. All of us are subject to sin. God is very loving, patient and kind. He ALWAYS provides a way out for our sins. He is the author of new beginnings. You may want to read the Bible and follow up on some of the stories. We have been messing up our lives from the beginning of time yet his love never fails. I am sorry to see you have not experienced this type of love. I believe now is a great time to at least try.

This is not His will for your life. He is giving you the opportunity to do the right thing. If you choose to do so, he will bless you and your marriage more than you ever imagined.

Try this - get on your knees and apologize to God. Tell Him that you do not have the strength to do what you know in your heart you need to do He will give you the strength. Your ex-wife sounds like a special person.

The OW sounds very co-dependent. Maybe your attraction to her has more to do with yourself than her. Even if that relationship had begun on "the right track", I would still be skeptical of marrying her. It sounds as if she has some real issues to deal with herself before she jumps into another relationship.

You will not fix her by marrying her. The best thing you can do for her is to let her go so she has to look at herself and deal with her own demons.

First off, I feel for you, man, I really do. However, it's NOT too late to return to your FIRST LOVE - your wife. What did your Marriage Vows say.. 'To have and to hold, for better or worse, from this day forward, forsaking all others, till Death do us part...' Your wife needs YOU to cherish her - why put yourself thru HELL for the OW - knowing her druggie son is going to SUCK YOU BOTH DRY - and why, why are you planning to pledge your Troth to the OW - already believing that you 'know it's not going to last' ?? I don't get it - whose face are you trying to save? The OW knew what a risk having an Affair is - fewer than 25 percent of Affairs that turn into Marriage make it - at least you have better than DOUBLE that chance with your First Marriage!! Let the OW go - you're literally asking for a life filled with MISERY if you don't - and Lord knows you've already had enuff misery already. Give your wife - and you - a Second Chance. Go for it, don't give up on your Marriage!!
Harold

Friends,
I want to thank you all so much for your replies. You all are correct - I know in my heart what is the right thing to do, even though I have done all the wrong things. Seems the wrong ways are always the most easiest. Seems there is never nothing easy about doing the right thing.
Since the meeting with the ex on Wednesday, she has followed up with two emails, and a phone call or two - no mention of reconciling, but simply saying she just wants me to be happy, and apologizing again for her part in the demise of the marriage. The relationship between the fiance and myself continues to deteriorate. She is still seething about me meeting with the ex, and this morning, she logged onto the PC under my screename. (Due to the way we met, we do not trust each other when it comes to the PC, therefore, we have each other's passwords). A few months ago, after one of our big fights, I restored some of my old online buddies names, and while I chatted with none of them, simply forgot to remove them again once the fight was patched up. So, obviously, she saw the names, and that led to another fight this morning. Of course, I side-stepped the issue, telling her I had no idea how those names got there, but assured her I would change my password, because apparently someone was messing with my screename setup, etc. OK, I can hear the laughter and see the heads shaking out there, and it is true - this is one of the most pathetic situations I have ever known, and I am right in the middle of it. As far as honesty goes, I lost what that word means years ago. I feel I cannot be honest with anyone, and also am beginning to believe I can't be faithful to anyone. I guess I am waiting on the OW (fiance) to do the dirty work. In other words, perhaps I am hoping she will wake up and see me for who/what I am, and she will take the initiative to call it off. Looking back, I really do feel this whole thing is nothing more than a full-blown MLC. 5 years ago, I bought a sports car, similar to the one I had when I was 17. A year later, I quit my job of 15 years - thank goodness I came to my senses, and I had been a good enough worker, that they had no trouble "hiring" me back two days later. The affairs, the online EAs....I swear, like I said, I never ever thought I would sink this low. I never thought I could bring so much heartache and pain to others, as well as to my own self. People divorce and remarry all the time....it must not be too hard, I remember thinking. I still do not know which way this whole mess is going to go. But I do have a couple questions for all of you. First one, how do I know that this is not just a ploy by the ex? I mean, all those months with no contact from her....why now? Why two weeks from the wedding? Could it be the old "I don't want you, but I don't want no one else having you" syndrome?
Second, I have read the pros and cons of telling one's spouse about affairs. In some ways, I can see where 100% honesty is really the best policy, but on the otherhand, it would seem to me that being open and honest about the affairs would only serve to hurt the ex even more, so why do that, especially if she/we have no intention of reconciling? You see, I really don't know where she stands, or what she wants. I have never, through all this time, been able to figure it out. Maybe she truly still loves me and wants it to work, or maybe it is the old "don't want you, but no one else can have you" thing. I just don't know for sure. I just feel something is gonna happen, and should happen, very soon. I get so sick of all these games. So sick of it all. Sometimes I just feel I need to get away - from both of them, from everyone. I think a withdrawal period is setting in - I haven't taken breaks with coworkers in two days - I just don't feel like being around anyone, or talking to anyone. It is even a chore to sit here and type this, but I also feel I can't keep these feelings bottled up either. I am not asking for sympathy here - not at all. I am not the victim here, except from my own evil desires. I know I am smack in the middle of what I deserve. It is so ironic. Things do seem to have a way of circling back at you. I withheld sex from my wife because she wasn't attractive to me. And, throughout the entire relationship with the OW, that has been our main problem - her lack of desire. When I was steeped in the affair with the OW, I was trying to keep the wife happy too, the best way I knew how. And now, since at least the talking part of the relationship between the ex and I has been partially restored, I am now trying to keep the OW (fiance) happy.
I am not looking forward to this weekend at all. I wish I could just stay at work.
As far as needing help because I think the ex will be waiting for me, I'm sure that is also true. Still, I know her as well as anyone knows her, and told her during our conversation that I didn't think my 2nd marriage will last.
It is truly easier to get in a mess than it is to get out.
OK, I have done enough whining, and I realize it is time to do something. What that something will be, I still don't know. But I know I don't need to frustrate you people by asking for your advice, then not taking it. Those of you who feel like wacking me on the head with a baseball bat, go ahead. It will be nothing more than I've already done to myself.

waw:

I didn't read all your last post, because it was simply more of the same. All that stuff about MLCs is just another excuse for continuing to behave badly. I don't believe there's any such thing as a MLC, it's all just rationalization to avoid taking responsibility for your actions.

And that's the key. Take responsibility. YOU are responsible for what you do - the good and the bad. Nobody else. If you want to live a miserable life, by all means keep on the path you're on. But it sounds like you at least are aware of the stupidity of that. Now, all you need is to show a little courage so that you can do the right thing for once. EVERYBODY around you will be happier in the long term if you do.

WAW,

Welcome to Marriage Builder's.....that said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sometimes I just feel I need to get away - from both of them, from everyone. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There you go.

You have an "only" daughter for whom you are to be setting an example as a parent. Doesn't how you have chosen to live your life eat you alive in that regard?

Back out of this erroneous marriage proposal, say your goodbyes AND work on yourself. Get into counseling, read everything this website provides and more, period! You have alot of work ahead of you, suffer doing what is right.

Double dog dare you.....

Don't have a lot of time to reply today and so I can't really go into all of my background. BUT, I was a OW that married the OM. I'm in my second marriages. The marriages that you commented about making it the second time around. We did/are making it in our marriage. BUT, there is too much going on in your life that tells me that you and the OW would not make it. The obvious is that your ready to enter into a marriage having doubts. You were married the first time around for a very long time. Our marriages the first time around were short-term so we didn't have the history that you two have. The guilt was tremendous so I know what you were/are going through. If this OW was/is the love of your life you would not have doubts and you would not be thinking about your first wife. If your ex really didn't care she would not be acting the way she is. I don't think she's playing a game. That doesn't mean that the two of you WOULD get back together because there is a lot of re-building to do but regardless, I think she still loves you. If my husband (former OM) had feelings towards his ex like you do I would have wanted him to be honest with me. You are being very unfair to her. I know the obligations that you feel towards her more then others on this board since I was a OW. I do have more sympathy for her then others would have. But come on, your second guessing your marriage to her and your second guessing your love for your first wife. I think your afraid to be alone. You want to go back to your ex but if she turns you down then you'll have nobody. Your thinking of staying with the OW for fear of being rejected by both and being alone. That's not a coward, that is human nature. You have to come clean with your feelings to the OW. In regards to telling your EX EVERYTHING....Well I'm not sure how I sit with that one but in your case if you don't tell her somebody else will. Your ex may not welcome you immediately with open arms. In fact it could take months or years for that to happen but I can tell you this, it will never happen if you marry the OW.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whatawaste:
<strong>Friends,
I want to thank you all so much for your replies. You all are correct - I know in my heart what is the right thing to do, even though I have done all the wrong things. Seems the wrong ways are always the most easiest. Seems there is never nothing easy about doing the right thing.
OK - NOW YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO - THE RIGHT THING NOW DO IT!! JUST BECAUSE YOU SCREWED UP IN THE PAST IS NO REASON TO CONTINUE SCREWING UP!! MAKE THE CHANGE - DO IT RIGHT! HEY, WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES - LORD KNOWS I'VE SURE MADE MY SHARE. BUTT - YES, JUST BECAUSE I MADE MISTAKES, IS NO REASON FOR ME TO JUST GIVE UP AND CONTINUE MAKING MORE MISTAKES. MAKE THAT CHANGE - FOR THE BETTER.
Since the meeting with the ex on Wednesday, she has followed up with two emails, and a phone call or two - no mention of reconciling, but simply saying she just wants me to be happy, and apologizing again for her part in the demise of the marriage. The relationship between the fiance and myself continues to deteriorate. She is still seething about me meeting with the ex, and this morning, she logged onto the PC under my screename. (Due to the way we met, we do not trust each other when it comes to the PC, therefore, we have each other's passwords). A few months ago, after one of our big fights, I restored some of my old online buddies names, and while I chatted with none of them, simply forgot to remove them again once the fight was patched up. So, obviously, she saw the names, and that led to another fight this morning. Of course, I side-stepped the issue, telling her I had no idea how those names got there, but assured her I would change my password, because apparently someone was messing with my screename setup, etc.
ALLRIGHT - YOU HAVEN'T EVEN MARRIED HER YET AND YOU'RE ALREADY NOT BEING HONEST WITH HER. WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP, NO NEVER MIND - JUST HOW LONG DO YOU THINK YOU TWO ARE GOING TO LAST BASED ON LIES AND HIDING THE TRUTH?? I'D HAZARD A GUESS NOT LONG AT ALL!
OK, I can hear the laughter and see the heads shaking out there, and it is true - this is one of the most pathetic situations I have ever known, and I am right in the middle of it. As far as honesty goes, I lost what that word means years ago. I feel I cannot be honest with anyone, and also am beginning to believe I can't be faithful to anyone.
HELLO? YOU ARE LISTENING TO THE LIES OF SATAN - HE IS OUT TO BREAK UP AND DESTROY EVERY MARRIAGE HE CAN... HE HAS SOMETHING LIKE 10,000 YEARS EXPERIENCE - BEGINNING IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN. STOP LISTENING TO HIS LIES AND GO BACK TO YOUR FIRST LOVE!! TELL HER THE TRUTH - SHOW HER MARRIAGE-BUILDERS - AND GET SOME GOOD MARRIAGE COUNSELING.
I guess I am waiting on the OW (fiance) to do the dirty work. In other words, perhaps I am hoping she will wake up and see me for who/what I am, and she will take the initiative to call it off.
DUDE, WHY WAIT FOR HER? STOP WAFFLING - (EXCUSE THE TERM HERE) GRAB A PAIR - AND DO IT FIRST!!!! WHY ADD TO THE HUMILIATION YOU ALREADY FEEL?
Looking back, I really do feel this whole thing is nothing more than a full-blown MLC. 5 years ago, I bought a sports car, similar to the one I had when I was 17. A year later, I quit my job of 15 years - thank goodness I came to my senses, and I had been a good enough worker, that they had no trouble "hiring" me back two days later. The affairs, the online EAs....I swear, like I said, I never ever thought I would sink this low.
SO OK, YOU'RE AT THE BOTTOM LOOKING UP. NOW GET UP, TAKE YOUR FUTURE IN YOUR OWN HANDS AND MOVE FORWARD WITH LIFE!! WE'RE ALL GETTING OLDER - I'M AN OLD FART AND PROUD OF IT! TAKE PRIDE IN YOUR AGE AND IT'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. THE YOUNG THINGS OUT THERE WILL ALL - YES ALL - BE IN YOUR SHOES LATER ON - WE WERE ALL YOUNG ONCE AND LOOK AT IT AS WE'RE ANOTHER DAY CLOSER TO MEETING OUR MAKER!!
I never thought I could bring so much heartache and pain to others, as well as to my own self. People divorce and remarry all the time....it must not be too hard, I remember thinking.
NEWS FLASH! DIVORCE SUCKS! IT HURTS, IT HURTS EVERYBODY YOU KNOW AND GUESS WHAT? IT WILL HURT YOU, FRIENDS, AND FAMILY UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE - THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS!! BE STRONG - DEAL WITH A LITTLE HURT BY ENDING THIS AFFAIR, RETURNING TO YOUR FIRST LOVE, AND GO THRU SOME HURT NOW - INSTEAD OF A HECKUVA LOT MORE HURT LATER BY ENDING YOUR MARRIAGE.
I still do not know which way this whole mess is going to go. But I do have a couple questions for all of you. First one, how do I know that this is not just a ploy by the ex? I mean, all those months with no contact from her....why now? Why two weeks from the wedding? Could it be the old "I don't want you, but I don't want no one else having you" syndrome?
PERHAPS YOUR WIFE IS 'PLAN A' AND PERHAPS PLAN B? YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW - PERHAPS SHE ALREADY FOUND MARRIAGE-BUILDERS. AT ANY RATE, I BELIEVE IF YOU SAT HER DOWN, TOLD HER WHAT'S GOING ON, ASK HER FORGIVENESS, SHE WILL FALL INTO YOUR ARMS AND BE WILLING TO WORK THIS OUT!! TRY IT - YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO LOSE (EXCEPT EVEN MORE MISERY IF YOU DON'T).
Second, I have read the pros and cons of telling one's spouse about affairs. In some ways, I can see where 100% honesty is really the best policy, but on the otherhand, it would seem to me that being open and honest about the affairs would only serve to hurt the ex even more, so why do that, especially if she/we have no intention of reconciling?
YOU CERTAINLY AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE ON BEING HONEST WITH THE OW RIGHT NOW. SHE DOESN'T EVEN TRUST YOU ON THE COMPUTER - WHERE IS THAT GOING TO TAKE YOU BOTH LATER ON?? NOT FAR, SEEING YOU BOTH ALREADY DISTRUST EACH OTHER!
You see, I really don't know where she stands, or what she wants. I have never, through all this time, been able to figure it out.
YOU CAN FIND OUT, YOU KNOW... SIT DOWN AND ASK HER - TALK TO HER. COMMUNICATION KEEPS MARRIAGE ALIVE - THAT AND SOME GOOD LOVEMAKING! TALK TALK TALK TO YOUR WIFE! SO IF YOU HAVEN'T IN THE PAST, WELL, IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO BEGIN NOW... IF YOU HAD BEEN TALKING, YOU WOULDN'T BE IN THE MESS YOU'RE BOTH IN NOW.
Maybe she truly still loves me and wants it to work, or maybe it is the old "don't want you, but no one else can have you" thing. I just don't know for sure.
**ASK HER!**
I just feel something is gonna happen, and should happen, very soon. I get so sick of all these games. So sick of it all. Sometimes I just feel I need to get away - from both of them, from everyone. I think a withdrawal period is setting in - I haven't taken breaks with coworkers in two days - I just don't feel like being around anyone, or talking to anyone.
RUNNING FROM YOUR PROBLEMS IS THE SAME AS GETTING DRUNK OR HIGH TO ESCAPE THEM - YOU COME BACK AND THE SAME PROBLEMS ARE STILL THERE! YOU WILL EVENTUALLY HAVE TO FACE THEM - DO IT NOW. DON'T PUT IT OFF ANY LONGER. FACE YOUR DRAGON AND SLAY IT!!
It is even a chore to sit here and type this, but I also feel I can't keep these feelings bottled up either. I am not asking for sympathy here - not at all. I am not the victim here, except from my own evil desires.
TRUE, BUT YOU HAVE ALSO MADE YOUR INNOCENT WIFE AND ANOTHER HUMAN BEING (OTHER WOMAN) VICTIMS!
I know I am smack in the middle of what I deserve.
BUT NEITHER YOUR WIFE NOR THE OTHER WOMAN DESERVE THIS. LOVE YOUR WIFE - AND LET THE OTHER WOMAN GO. SURE, IT'LL HURT HER SOME, BUT SHE'LL GO THRU A LOT LESS PAIN NOW THAN IF YOU BLINDLY MARRY HER AND TAKE HER THRU A LOT MORE PAIN!
It is so ironic. Things do seem to have a way of circling back at you.
LOL, I CALL IT COMING BACK AND BITING YOU IN THE A$$ AND BELIEVE ME, IT SURE DOES!!! I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE ON THIS ONE...
I withheld sex from my wife because she wasn't attractive to me. And, throughout the entire relationship with the OW, that has been our main problem - her lack of desire. When I was steeped in the affair with the OW, I was trying to keep the wife happy too, the best way I knew how. And now, since at least the talking part of the relationship between the ex and I has been partially restored, I am now trying to keep the OW (fiance) happy.
YOU'RE GETTING THERE - TALKING PART WITH YOUR WIFE SO ALL IS NOT LOST - THERE'S STILL HOPE.
I am not looking forward to this weekend at all. I wish I could just stay at work.
WHY STAY AT WORK - GO HOME AND TALK TO YOUR WIFE. I BET YOU'LL HAVE A LOT MORE FUN THAN WORKING ALL WEEKEND - YOU HAVE ALL WEEK TO WORK! WHO KNOWS, YOU TWO JUST MIGHT GET IT TOGETHER AND WIND UP WITH SOME REALLY FANTASTIC LOVEMAKING - YOU NEVER KNOW TIL YOU TRY...
As far as needing help because I think the ex will be waiting for me, I'm sure that is also true. Still, I know her as well as anyone knows her, and told her during our conversation that I didn't think my 2nd marriage will last.
YOU ADMITTED IT YOURSELF - THINK A MINUTE - WOULD YOU INVEST IN A STOCK THAT YOU KNEW WAS GOING TO LOSE MONEY? OF COURSE NOT!! SO WHY INVEST IN A MARRIAGE YOU KNOW ISN'T GOING TO LAST? MAKE A GOOD SOLID CHOICE - YOUR WIFE!! YOU'RE ALREADY ON FIRST BASE - YOU SAID YOU THINK SHE WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU. DON'T MAKE HER WAIT ANY LONGER - RETURN TO HER!!!
It is truly easier to get in a mess than it is to get out.
OK, I have done enough whining, and I realize it is time to do something. What that something will be, I still don't know. But I know I don't need to frustrate you people by asking for your advice, then not taking it.
TAKE THIS ADVICE, PLEASE!! YOUR WIFE WILL THANK YOU LATER, MAYBE EVEN NOW SHE'LL THANK YOU!!
Those of you who feel like wacking me on the head with a baseball bat, go ahead.
SO OK, MAYBE I WAS A BIT BLUNT HERE, BUT YOU GOTTA WAKE UP, DUDE. TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE - IT IS AFTER ALL YOUR LIFE AND NOBODY ELSE IS GOING TO DO IT FOR YOU. YOU THE MAN - MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!
It will be nothing more than I've already done to myself.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I HOPE THIS HAS WOKEN YOU UP SOME. I'LL CONTINUE TO FOLLOW YOUR STORY - I SURE HOPE IT HAS A HAPPY ENDING.
PEACE TO YOU, HAROLD <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I get so sick of all these games. So sick of it all. Sometimes I just feel I need to get away - from both of them, from everyone

WAW, you know what you will find there - YOU. There is no way of getting away from you. The only way to get through this is to get through this. You will be haunted until you do. I know about those things, I've run from something for 27 years and just now have the courage to change me which in turn changes my situation. I got tired of being haunted.

One comment - it would be easier to read if you typed in paragraghs.

Are you a praying person? If so, ask God to help you do the right thing, to guide you and give you the strenght you need to follow his lead. (I just prayed that for you in case your not a praying person) Remember God can handle anything and everything. It sounds as if you think there is no hope for you, but there is, just ask God for forgiveness.

God Bless,

D.

[[[[[BUMP!]]]] WAW - you still out there? Hope things are working out for you. Please let us know...
We're praying you'll do the right thing...
Peace and PrayerZ, Harold