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Joined: Apr 2000
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I don't post real often folks. I did my title last, and I find my topic difficult to describe!

I marked my calendar on July 12th. H said kind words to me that day. They were the first kind words he's given me since he moved out in January. A week later he invited me to dinner. I was curious what he might have to say. It wasn't much. Computers, work, nothing deep. As it turned out, our dinner date was on the 6-month anniversary, to the day!

When we separated, I decided to take a "wait and see" attitude for six months. I was leaving a door open for any efforts he might make toward reconciliation. Those efforts have been absent. I try not to consume many brain cells wondering what his thoughts are, but I can't help but wonder why he asked me out. I suppose I could've asked him, but he rarely gives a direct answer. I'm speculating that he wanted a dinner companion and nothing more, since that's how it turned out. Or, perhaps he has a radar that detected my mental door closing on any thoughts of reconciliation. I don't know!

My reason for posting today is for feedback on dinner date #2 tomorrow. Right now, things are reasonably amicable, but recently I've noticed a couple of things that make me think he's being sexually active elsewhere. He made a comment last weekend about fireants getting all the way up to his crotch. I'm thinking it sounds more like crabs!

Today I was at his place to get his signature on our tax return. There was a stray dog on his porch, which showed up at his workplace (outside city limits) while the boss was out of town. When boss returned, the dog had to go and H brought it home. H was making a call to animal control when I arrived. As I was leaving, the animal control officer was at the door. H was visibly upset with me when I blabbed the location of where the dog was found. The city wouldn't take the dog and recommended taking it to the county facility. To smooth things over, I offered to take the dog to the county. I asked H to photograph the dog while I mailed the tax return.

When I returned, he downloaded the dog photo onto his computer which he got just last week. In the same directory, I very briefly saw other photos. Photos of a woman exposing her breasts. I can't be certain, but it looked like the photos were taken inside his place.

When I have dinner with H tomorrow, I'm wondering whether I should say anything about those photos? In my mind, the door for reconciliation is now firmly closed.
-------
btw, we're not exactly in a Plan B, as I've not sent a letter, and there haven't been any affairs to my knowledge (unless the garden counts, in which case an OW is outside my door 24/7). I've been celibate for 9.5 years. Don't know about him. His withholding of intimacy is the single most painful aspect for me in this marriage. In another month, our bankruptcy will be final. I've been in a sort of holding pattern, riding out the clock of the bankruptcy. Now that the time is drawing near, I feel moved to get a social life and make plans for the future.

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You never told us what you had for dinner!

I think the crabs thing is probably just your mind working overtime... same with the boobies... they were probably just downloaded off the computer.

From what I know of your situation I would be really suprized if he were suddenly involved with someone. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am.

You've put your life on hold for so long...

I think it's time for you to see what's out there for you. It's scary, but so exciting at the same time...

I have my moments when I want to curl up and pull the blankets over my head (and I do).

But, I have this amazing new life ahead of me. And I have no idea how it's going to play out. It's really kind of cool. Scary, but cool.

I say let's roll baby!

It's time to sign up for that class on how to make stained glass windows that you always thought about and never did...

It's time to prioritize and put your needs first.

That's what I'm doing.

Well, after I take care of the kids and [censored]. Which leaves about 4.5 minutes a day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You can do it. You sound like you're ready.

Are you just looking for that nudge, or are you still kind of teetering?

Do the pics really matter if the door is closed?

I know - I'd want to know too, but either way, you'll be better off if you let it go.

Love you,
E

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Hi JTW! Hope you had a great vacation.

I don't know what's for dinner. It's tomorrow night. I guess I picked that for part of my topic because my H for whatever reason was always reluctant to say what he wants for dinner. He would leave it up to me, and lord help me if I picked something he didn't want to eat. Truly, I think he's a mental case.

Yes, I have had my life on hold for a while, but I've come a long way emotionally. I want to be recovered from this dysfunctional marriage so I can attract a happy healthy new person. I'm about ready to rock and roll.

No, I'm not really looking for a nudge. I believe my H has an anger problem that lives underground most of the time. When it erupts periodically, it leaves me quaking in my boots. I'm trying to keep things peaceful until the bk is finished. Things in the long run will be so much simpler if the bk finishes smoothly. Just a few more weeks. I feel like I'm in quicksand, and escaping depends on slow steady movements. Any thrashing about will make me sink. I guess that means I should leave the topic of photos alone.

As for my crab theory, I'm a little rusty on how they're spread. Haven't known anyone since college with a crab problem. Unless H has more than one laundry connection, I think he's been sleeping on the same sheets for 4 months. eewww! He could be getting itchy just from sleeping in his own bed, whether it's alone or with someone else. Should I bleach my washer after he uses it? He comes here once a week to do one load of wash.

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Read - and will respond - but gotta take care of an urgent [censored] matter as usual. Look for me sometime round dinner k?

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Crabs: They can be spread by
1. Direct contact, i.e. sexual intercourse;
2. Indirect contact, contaminated linens and clothing that is used by an uninfected person;
a. This means if you sleep on sheets that someone with crabs slept on, you can get them
b. Also if you try on trousers in a dressing room and aren't wearing undies, and someone with crabs tried them on before you, you can get them
c. If you use a bathtowel used by an infected person to dry yourself, you can get them
d. If dirty undies are dropped onto clean undies or linens and then you put the undies on or use the linens, you can get them.

I knew a girl whose boyfriend had crabs in his eyebrows. Unusual, but they had been having oral sex. She saw one crawl up on his forehead and that's how she found out "they" had crabs.

Editing: If he hasn't laundered his sheets for 4 months, I would wonder about bedbugs. They hide out in the wallpaper and in the floorboards during the day, they come out at night when the "host" gets into bed. They are very small, reddish. They leave tiny brownish dots on the bed and linens. Their telltale odor is sweetish. It is hard to find them during the day. To get rid of them, all linens must be washed in hot water & disinfectant, including mattress pad placed under the sheets, and the mattress must be treated. Also good idea to wash the walls with disinfectant, as well as the bedstead and the floor. Have carpet professionally shampooed.

Lastly, NOBODY ever admits that they could have either crabs or bedbugs. Don't be surprised at their denial.

Hope you're not eating anything right now. Hate to spoil your appetite.

<small>[ August 16, 2002, 12:34 PM: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</small>

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OK, here I am, sidetracked once again - just got home a bit ago from the ER. Amanda split her chin open after her bath tonight and needed stiches.

It's 2:30am, and I am beat! You are all over my brain, and I am totally not ignoring you...

I'm going to bed now... Things should be quiet tomorrow though... She has sleepy medicine so I'll send you a nice long email with all my thoughts.

Ni Ni,
E

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Thank you Bellevue for the crabs 101! JTW is probably right, my imagination is working overtime. All kinds of nasty critters can leave itchy bites behind. I'm scratching a new mosquito bite as I type this. Fireant bites are also nasty, and then there's spiders. The heat these days is mighty oppressive too.

Dinner Friday was pleasant and tame. A mutual friend of ours is visiting Portland Oregon where we used to live. I found a book on Portland with photos, maps, places to go. We shared a pleasant time lining up suggestions for places and things our friend might enjoy while visiting there. I didn't mention (nor did he!) the photos of the exposed breasts on his computer. Again, my imagination was been working overtime. I was envisioning that he might show some interest in SF with me, and what on earth would I do if that happened. I don't know what all his activities are, and I consider my own H a non-candidate until I know what's making his crotch itch! As per our usual, my thoughts were a non-issue. He made no advances.

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What did you eat? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

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I had fish, he had meatloaf. Why do you ask? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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cause I'm hungry!

Do you want email or do it here?

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Posting here or emailing me is fine either way. I believe I will learn something from whatever you have to say. I hope there's no one else in this forum unfortunate enough to have the same kind of problems I do, but if there were, I wouldn't want to deprive someone else of your wise words if you choose email.

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gonna eat then type here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

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My tummy is full, the little one has been rubbed, rocked, ointmented, and given her medicine.

Crabs - trust me, if he had them he would not just walk around with them for long before going completely insane. Memories of my dorm floor junior year... a complete infestation...

If it makes you feel better run your washer with whites a few times and bleach the hell out of them. Use old sheets or rags - whatever. That will kill whatever lingers. Probably just a bit of e-coli at the most. And that is in every washer anyway....

Maybe he got new sheets and just threw out the old ones when they began to smell... Smelly sheets... Ewwwww.... Hey baby, come on home with me to my smelly sheets...

No, he is not getting any action.

The boobie pictures were just random.

It kills you doesn't it? Here you think, gosh - I've done so much to get this person to love me and I'm his wife, and then some random boobies pop up and all of the sudden you feel as if you are tossed back to square one. It doesn't matter how many months or years, or how much therapy, how far you thought you've come.

One little trigger and there you are back in the same spot you were when you were lost and confused. And your first instinct is to feel this loss and grab for it...

Grab for what?

And then you want to know. Who is it? How did it happen? When? But there might not even be anything to know.

And if there is something to know - it's time for you to disengage now. Anything you learn now will only hurt you and set you back. It serves no purpose, it helps nothing. It won't encourage you to move forward, it won't make anything more "real" or help you to understand anything.

Now it is time for you to finish your marriage business. Wrap up your loose ends. Make your neat little bows and say goodbye. It's sad, and it's hard.

He is not going to ask for SF. Probably not ever.

Somebody else will though. And it will be yummy.

And then you'll email me with all the dirty details.

And I'll always be here for you (between the kids getting stitches & [censored] doing stupid [censored] things).....

Love,
me.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is not going to ask for SF. Probably not ever.

Somebody else will though. And it will be yummy.

And then you'll email me with all the dirty details.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You made me smile! Thanks JTW. I *thought* I was disengaged already. The trip back to square one was brief and temporary. Recovery is back on track and slogging forward. I sent you an email too. Hope you got it.

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Yes, and I will answer part of it here just to make it fun. I read and looked late last night... and the was dragged away.

What caught my eye on the right was several little weiners.

Love you.


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