I took my kids to see a family counselor because our separation. I spoke to the counselor beforehand and explained to her why my STBX isout of the house (drugs/partying/affair). I told her that I didn't know if it was a good idea to ever tell the kids the sordid details.

Well, this idiot speaks to each of the kids individually and tells them that their mom has a disease known as addiction, she gets drunk all of the time, does drugs, etc. Needless to say, the kids do not like this lady. I called the counseling center and raised hell with the manager. He was extremely upset and it looks like the lady will lose her job over this.

I felt I had to call my STBX and give her a heads up. She was furious to say the least! She yelled at me ("Why in the f__ did you take the kids!", and stuff like that). I explained to her that I had noe intention of ever telling the kids about the drugs, etc. but it was to explain to the counselor why she left the house.

It then got down to STBX saying I kicked her out, and me saying that I gave her a choice of getting therapy or move out. She then told me I need to fix this or else she would get a lawyer and nail my balls to the floor ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ouch!). I did tell the kids that it was true that Mom may have had a problem in the past with partying, but she probably does not anymore.

I have an appointment with an attorny for the first time this Friday (which cannot come soon enough!)

If anyone has any suggetsion, let me know. Thanks!

<small>[ August 17, 2002, 07:09 AM: Message edited by: betrayed_husband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayed_husband:
<strong>She then told me I need to fix this or else she would get a lawyer and nail my balls to the floor! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Boy, women do have a way with words, don't they?

BH -

First, did you lie? Did anyone lie? Sometimes the truth hurts......

With that said. Did you purposely conspire with the counselor? No. Did the counselor act according to what her training told her to do? Yes. Did your kids find out something bad about their mom? Yes. DId they find out in the safety of a counselor's office? Yes. Did anyone do anything so terrible? No.

Listen. And it took me an entire YEAR to firgure this out. The WS will not like the truth, because the truth is that they are doing something wrong and they of course don't want anyone to know so that they can continue doing something wrong.

Is this right? No. Do you want your kids to think that what their mom is doing is right, so that one day when the kids try to do it to they tell you - well mom did it so why can't I? No.

As far as I can tell, no one did anything wrong exceot for maybe the counselor telling the kids mire than YOU wanted them to know.

Do not think about how the WW feels. She will be angry no matter what you do. That's just the way it is. All you can do, is do what you think is right and follow your gut instincts. If you are a good father, then those instincts will be right on.

The WS needs tp live with the consequences of their actions. All you can do is some minimal damage control with the kids.

Tell the kids that they should love their mom, but that sometimes - just as they don't like what their friends or brothers and sisters do, sometimes we don't like what our parents do, and that we can't control their actions, but we can choose how to react to those actions. And the reaction should be Christian reactions.

So, take a deep breath and don't let the WS rile you up.

K

Thanks GIIC!

I know that I have protected her too long. I know I have enabled her by always picking up the slack at home and with the kids.

I realize that she need to own up to her actions, and hopefully the kids would be shielded from the worst of it. But, the cat is out of the bag. Our oldest son doesn't even like to talk to her anymore because he is very perceptive.

I need to let go and give her up to God.

I got a tattoo last year of a Celtic cross with our kid's initals and her's in the middle. I am thinking of having her's colored over to help bring some closure to all this. Even though she just moved out 4 weeks ago, this has been going on for the past three years, especially this year.

Thanks GIIC!

I know that I have protected her too long. I know I have enabled her by always picking up the slack at home and with the kids.

I realize that she need to own up to her actions, and hopefully the kids would be shielded from the worst of it. But, the cat is out of the bag. Our oldest son doesn't even like to talk to her anymore because he is very perceptive.

I need to let go and give her up to God.

I got a tattoo last year of a Celtic cross with our kid's initals and her's in the middle. I am thinking of having her's colored over to help bring some closure to all this. Even though she just moved out 4 weeks ago, this has been going on for the past three years, especially this year.

bh,

this has been going on for the past three years, especially this year.

You and I are in similar situations, even the same time frame even. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

GIIC says:

The WS will not like the truth, because the truth is that they are doing something wrong and they of course don't want anyone to know so that they can continue doing something wrong. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

That is so true. Of course WW will react, but you dont have to. You can choose to respond. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Do you go to Alanon? BrambleRose and others suggested that to me and it has helped a great deal.

I have to go now - YS & I are going mini golfing. I will check back later as I have more to share.

God Bless,

D. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayed_husband:
<strong> I spoke to the counselor beforehand and explained to her why my STBX isout of the house (drugs/partying/affair). ...their mom has a disease known as addiction, she gets drunk all of the time, does drugs, etc. about the drugs, etc. but it was to explain to the counselor why she left the house.

It then got down to STBX saying I kicked her out, and me saying that I gave her a choice of getting therapy or move out. She then told me I need to fix this or else she would get a lawyer and nail my balls to the floor ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ouch!). I did tell the kids that it was true that Mom may have had a problem in the past with partying, but she probably does not anymore.

I have an appointment with an attorny for the first time this Friday (which cannot come soon enough!)

If anyone has any suggetsion, let me know. Thanks!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are on the right track, my Friend. You have your children and are trying to do what you feel is right by them. At least you are not lying to your kids about their Mother. For someone who has been partying/drugs/affair,etc. and moved out refusing therapy - I sure wouldn't worry about anything 'getting nailed to the floor' as a matter of fact, if she wants to get nasty, etc. well, I SERIOUSLY DOUBT a Court is going to find your WW able to keep custody of your children - she will be found 'an unfit mother' because of the drugs, etc. - and who knows if she's stopped doing them, etc. Just because she says yes does not make it fact - and she was the one who left, you just stopped ENABLING her - it was SHE who chose to do drugs, party, affair, and no kids need a mother who does that - no kind of example for them to follow. I'd definitely pursue the UNFIT TO BE A MOTHER bit. Good luck, pray, and may God bless you.
Harold

betrayed_husband,

There really is not anything your STBX can do about this. So some counselor told your children the truth. She will claim it’s not the truth. Our court system is too clogged up to spend too much time on a case of she said/he said. And if your STBX is that messed up she probably does not have the wherewithal to pull off a legal case.

Your wife sounds like my H’s ex-wife. What he did was told the court what he believed to be the truth about her drug and alcohol problem. To be on the side of caution the court ordered that she could only have supervised visitation until she passed a blood and urine drug test. It took her 6 months before she took that test. During that time she saw her child 2 or 3 times on her own accord.

To this day she insists that she did not have a drug problem. If not, why the 6 months wait? To dry out perhaps? I think that any falsely accused person would have gone to have the test done on the same day it was ordered just to prove their spouse to be a liar. I know I would have.

This worked for H and his children. He has custody. He allows visitation as long as she keeps her act together.

Thanks everyone!!

I am seeing a counselor to fix myself as I go through this experience. One of the things she mentioned to me was journaling to vent your feelings. I think this forum is much better than journaling. It's like going to an awesome support group, but in the comfort of my home with my boxer shorts, bed head and a big cup of coffee!!

STBXW's mom (all family members on both sides are mad at STBXW and want to help me as much as possible) asked me if I would ever take her back. I changed the subject. I don't think, at this time, if I could ever go back. Even if she changed, I don't think I could ever be rid of the mistrust that has developed (it would take an act of God to do that). I finally told all family members whole story (STBXW was pissed at this as well..."You just want to make me look bad and make yourself look like the martyr!")

I told mother-in-law that she should talk with someone to get advice on how to handle her daughter. STBX is very manipulative. Hope she will see someone.

Got to go and exercise now. Quit smoking yesterday (my kids always gave me too much crap!); by the way, Nicorrette gum tastes like crap!

I am starting to look forward to a new life!!

See ya!!