I originally posted this on the GQII forum, but thought I might get some different traffic here.

I know it doesn't co-incide with the advice on this site, but I'm hiring a lawyer and beginning the D proceedings against my WW.

One of the main reasons for my actions is to stop her from leaving the state with our children. The only way to stop her from doing that is to file for D, according to an attorney. I have gotten signals from her, and have read some things that lead me to believe that she may be planning on doing this.

On the advice of my atty, I will be moving back into our house. The reason for that being custody issues.

I know this move doesn't go along with the advice from this site or the books. I feel like to protect myself and our boys best interests.

I'm wondering if anyone here has ever made this move and what affect it had on the wayward spouse?

I talked to a former WS that I know today and she told me that if her husband had made that kind of move that she would have run back begging him not to. That is not the reaction I am looking for, however it might not be bad to have some of my own control back.

well...I was the WS..and my ex filed for divorce..
I was still waiting to see if he would make some changes in his behavior and in the way he treated me..did I go running back??

Nope..I didn't..I accepted it as his choice..his decision..I HAD changed..I had become a different person..One that would no longer accept the way he treated me..I had become a stronger person during that time..and I actually like myself a lot more now than I did then..

He filed for temporary custody..he didn't get it..

During the divorce he was still trying to gain full custody..he didn't get that either..

So think about your motives behind this..

is it really about the kids? Or is it about control??

I have read some things that she has sent to others. (Letters left where they could be easily found) In this letter she mentions that she couldn't stand being away from OM for 7 months but she should go ahead and call her brothers.

I called the state that she would move to and was told by the court there that she needs to be a resident there for 6 months before filing. I also believe that the statement about calling her brothers would be so that they could come here and pack her and her things and our children up and move.

Three yrs ago she took our boys and went to live with her parents for the summer due to our financial situation at the time. She wouldn't tell me when or if she was coming back. She finally decided to come back after about 3-4 months. She didn't at that time or has she since told me how unhappy she is or was. However she seems to think that it is perfectly alright to have an affair with a married man. This A cost her, her job a month ago and has not made much of an effort since then to start another. However she is attempting to get a job at the same place that the OM is now working.

She never wants to talk about what is bothering her and she has lied so much about so many different things since and before our seperation that I can't trust anything that comes out of her mouth anymore.

Is this about control? Well in a way maybe it is.
I am taking my value as a person and a father back out of her hand and placing it back in my own. Something that I haven't done for a long time.

I have asked her to go to counseling with me or without me since our seperation. NOPE. I have invited her to come to church with me and our boys. NOPE. I have made changes in myself and will continue to with my own perserverience, God's help and that of my counselor. She is in such a selfish place right now that she makes things up to make me look like a bad guy and has even told these kind of things to OM.

I appreciated your response and have not followed your previous posts or do I know your story. But I must ask, Do you realize the Hell that you rained into your spouses life by having this A? How long after D-day did he file? Did you truly look for changes or just justification for your actions. I have read enough here, and lived through enough of this to see how the WS thinks mainly if not exclusively of only their own little world during A, that I don't think they'd see any changes taking place. Just imagine how hard it is for the BS to work on making these changes while living through this hell.

Thanks and God Bless

Boy, do I hear you! I am th eBS and I was going through the identical gameplaying you are going through now. Same thing! I caught my H with my best friend and was able to get a confession out of him after at least 5 years of wondering if something was going on. You are so right, they only think of their circumstances and how to protect their cozy lies. Luckily, I was (for the grace of a higher power) catch them red-handed. Although it was glorious and still is, it still makes me ticked off to think how I was fooled and how all the others out their are still being fooled.

You are not being controlling. You are taking control. My H is a lawyer and he pulled every classic trick to try and make me out to be the loser once I caught him (this is a man who a day before wanted me to move to another city with him and our child). Once I got the goods on him, he spent months trying to present me to anyone who would listen as the loser. There is a happy ending. I am rid of him, have joint custody and everything he said about me only came back to haunt him -- the cheaters can be so manipulative because they see it as a game and whoever wins, wins. The ones caught up in the lies are subjected to being told they are victims and love being one and that it is US who have the problems. It's all a self-serving game to them. They could care less about anybody but themselves first. And the ironic part is they never realize once they are exposed, they are always "out there". Clueless. Let them be with their other lover(s) -- we do not need them. They deserve each other.

Don't let the WS try to gain control of you because of your niceness or givingness. They just use you.

And I may sound angry here, I am just making a point. I am over it, but I still harbor anger at those users who are still hurting and lying to those of us who believe in the truth and respecting others.

So be it. Let her go.

Biscayne:

I appreciated your response and have not followed your previous posts or do I know your story. But I must ask, Do you realize the Hell that you rained into your spouses life by having this A?

Yes, I realize how painful it was for him..he just never seen how painful his words and actions over the years hurt me..my EA was wrong..and I know that..I didn't wait long to confess..because
I realized THAT was the type of relationship I wanted within MY marriage, someone who treated me with respect...if you read my post in the EN section on "How do you view your spouse?"
you may see some of the things I've learned even about myself even as recently as this weekend..

I have learned more about myself over the past 5 years..and have healed from some very very deep emotional hurts from my childhood..and have learned I am worth more..than I ever imagined in God's eyes..he still does not see that..

How long after D-day did he file?

Lets see, I confessed in Feb. 2000, he moved out Sept. 2000, he filed Aug 2001, was final 2002..

Did you truly look for changes or just justification for your actions.

Some changes that he could have made that would have given me even a little hope were: 1. find another job that DID NOT require him to travel..
(he still has not done that) after 9 years of his being gone..and 8 years of me and our kids asking him to find another job, and him promising he would..I quit asking..2. Quit drinking..3. Go to church and take on the roll of Spiritual Leader..(He told me I should have married an F'n preacher) He didn't like me going to church..so I didn't go..because as far as I was believed He was the leader..of our home..I suffered greatly by not following my own walk with God..I began to feel as if I was dying spiritually, emotionally,
mentally, and I became suicidal..and I knew the EA was NOT the answer..which is why I ended it..

I learned some things from the EA- I learned what it was like to have a man WANT to spend time with me, to treat me with the utmost respect as a friend, he didn't try to make sexual advances towards me, he just wanted to be my friend, and I was confused, because this was the first time in my life a man didn't want to have sex with me, and I didn't understand WHY NOT?? it confused me even more and I WANTED THIS WITH MY husband to WANT to spend time with me, to talk to me, to want to get to know ME as a person..and not just as an object..He wouldn't..other things were more important to him..I asked him in Sept 2000 to either find another job and be home or to find some place else to live..and go to that one weekend a month he was in town...He took two weeks vacation..and moved out..so I let him go

Did any of his actions justify mine?? Nope..
they were mine based on things I felt I needed at the time..was I being selfish?? In a way Yes, I guess I was..if it's considered selfish to want your spouse to be home every night and spend time with you..I guess we all are..

--I have read enough here, and lived through enough of this to see how the WS thinks mainly if not exclusively of only their own little world during A, that I don't think they'd see any changes taking place. Just imagine how hard it is for the BS to work on making these changes while living through this hell.--

Trust me..I LOOKED FOR CHANGES!!! I prayed for changes, I prayed for changes for years..I wanted to see the changes..because I wanted that oneness in my marriage..not some where else..as I said, he still has not made those changes..and that is sad..but I can't make him want to change..he has to want to do that on his own..

Since our seperation and divorce and he's worked out of town..he's made it a point to be in town every weekend for his visitation..

This is the most time he's spent with our kids in all of our years of marriage..even when I'd moved to be with him for year to one of his jobs...he's even made it a point to drive 500 miles to come home to spend time w/ the kids..but he wouldn't do that while we were married..the weekends he doesn't have the kids he usually spends at his brothers and they go out drinking..he takes the time to drive that distance to spend with him..

During our seperation..I'd asked him to go to dinner more than once..He would say okay..so I'd make plans for that..even getting a sitter..he'd call at the last minute drunk..and say he can't afford to come in to town..but he had the money to buy his alcohol and he had the money to go visit his brother..at that time he was only working two hours from here..and I'd asked him to come home every weekend..He wouldn't..so I gave him the choice..to be here..or not..He choose not to be..and I accepted that..

I am no longer looking for those changes..but I still pray that one day they will come...for the sake of his relationship with our children..
because right now, many weekends they don't want to go because they know he's going to be drinking..but they go..in hopes it will be different..

I hope this helps you understand..for me..I wanted the marriage..I wanted to see the changes in him..but they weren't there..I'd changed..I'd gone to counseling because I KNEW I NEEDED IT!!!
Not for my marriage but for me...and then my marriage..

B

I can really relate. My STBXW has had an off/on drug problem for the past 3 years (she has had 2 A's during marriage). She has been using our son's name with the pediatrician to get extra Ritalin for the past 10 months. I asked her to go to counseling or leave. After coming home from a camping trip, she was not at home. She finally came home the next morning at 10:00AM.

I told her she needed to pack.

She now complains that I need to send her money because she signed a voluntary disenrollment from our joint accounts. She hates the fact that she has to drive a 91 Civic with no AC instead of the MDX. She is always saying, "If you love the kids, we'll make this amicable" (see previous post).

They seem to all act the same don't they??

Good luck and God Bless!

B

I can really relate. My STBXW has had an off/on drug problem for the past 3 years (she has had 2 A's during marriage). She has been using our son's name with the pediatrician to get extra Ritalin for the past 10 months. I asked her to go to counseling or leave. After coming home from a camping trip, she was not at home. She finally came home the next morning at 10:00AM.

I told her she needed to pack.

She now complains that I need to send her money because she signed a voluntary disenrollment from our joint accounts. She hates the fact that she has to drive a 91 Civic with no AC instead of the MDX. She is always saying, "If you love the kids, we'll make this amicable" (see previous post).

They seem to all act the same don't they??

Good luck and God Bless!

TR,

I apologize for some of my original assumptions. You had very definite physical changes that he could have made that you never saw.

The complaints that my WW has made about me include the fact that I made her a single mother while I worked 65-70 hrs a week for 9 yrs of our marriage. Yes, that is true. At the time the reason that I worked those kind of hours was so that we could afford for her to stay home full time with our children. She lost her 10yr old son 2 yrs after we were married. I felt like since there was nothing I could do to bring him back at least I could do my best to allow her to stay home with our children for as long as possible. She never complained about the hours at the time. As a matter of fact, when the guys that I worked with mentioned how much their wives complained, I always bragged how my wife was understanding and never did.

She complains about the fact that I am usually in grumpy, negative, critical mood all the time. True. I have come to realize that I spent most of my life being unhappy about what I didn't have rather than grateful for what I did have. During this time I had been passed over for promotions at work and my income was decreasing. I felt like I couldn't do well enough to produce for my wife and chidren. And throughout our marriage the SF has been sorely lacking. I can't remember a year when we would make love more than 20 times a yr. and I probably initiated about 17 of those times. (I always make sure that she is satisfied during our love making, and I am not a grossly overweight unkempt slob, so those aren't the reasons)She has just always said that it isn't important to her, despite the fact that is to me. (Oh, how I wonder what it would be like to make love with my willing spouse 2-3 times a week and have her be the aggressor as much as myself) That kind of SF will make a guy grouchy, truth be known. I have never felt like I was number one in her life. Always either our children or her father. Leaves a hole in your heart.

From 4 days after D-day I began counseling. She hasn't made one attempt to see a counselor. I've begun taking our boys to church and Sunday school, both myself and at other times, our boys have asked her to go with us. She has no desire. She is completely infatuated with this married 34 yr old, competition playing, bartender, who quit his job due to the fact that she was fired because of their A.

She has called every shot during this whole A (no pun intended) and I am about to the point where I have no love for her at all. I have caught her in some many lies and deceit that I sometimes wonder how I would react if she wanted to reconcile.

Thanks for your support and God bless.

Bis,

Have you changed your work hours yet??

I didn't care if he made $10 an hour..he felt he had to make $20..I even offered to go back to work if it took that to make up the difference..
No WAY..NO HOW..he told me the ONLY reason I'd want to go back to work was so I wouldn't need him..he couldn't see where I needed him for other things..too..because he was never around to see it..and when he was he was drinking..

I'm sorry your going through this...

Like I asked..have you changed your work schedule
so that you can make time for your family??

Yes, I have changed my work schedule. I actually left the 65-70 hr per week job last May to persue a position as an independent contractor. It has not panned out as quickly as hoped for. During this time our roles reversed and I was the one who had most of the time with our children and she for the first time since our children were born went back to work full time and became the primary bread winner. Unfortunately our finances have suffered for the past several yrs. Bad money management decisions from both of us. The lack of income has restricted things we could do as a family, but it didn't stop her from spending (charging) $500 for her and her niece for my WW's 40th birthday last October. Or from spending (again, charging) at least another $500 so that the two of them could go on a cruise, while me and the boys stayed home. I couldn't justify spending that kind of money when things were so tight. I depleted my entire 401k just to pay the minimum bills during the past yr while I was trying to get things going with my new business.

I am able to look over the past 3-4 yrs of our marriage and see how she has decided to go down a very selfish path and when I look at this it really makes me wonder how much I really want to start over with her.

Thanks and God Bless

Yes, I am the BS and I filed for divorce. But only after he told me he loved OW and was moving out to be with her. He wanted to wait to file for divorce until after our third child was born because "it looked bad." Yeah.......it did look bad. Because abandoning your wife when she was 8 months pregnant and leaving your other two children who are 2 and 4 not only looks bad but IS bad. I wanted to take some control, and filing gave me that. Believe me, I exhausted every resource trying to save our marriage, so I didn't feel a bit guilty filing. Do what you can to save your marriage, and if you can't, you can file with a clear conscience! Good luck. It isn't easy, but it does get better. My divorce was final last October, and I can really see how much I'm healing.

I am the BS and I filed first because it was high time to do something. D-Day #1 was 5/00 and we reconciled right away and worked through the MB principles (well - I did, anyway. He just kept going with his affair).

D-Day #2 was 4/01 and we separated for 7 months. Then we did a MB weekend seminar and reconciled again. 10 days later I had to endure the "she's my soulmate" speech one more time. He told me he wanted a divorce - over the phone. That was enough for me.

I'm the bs and I restarted the divorce papers. My x started them and I was actually served. Before I could counter we attempted another reconciliation (we tried about 5 but all were short lived).

It was on my birthday and she didn't call and when I called her she started yelling at me for no reason. I asked her if she was seeing om again and she said yes. I told her I was seeing the lawyer the next day to restart the papers and she screamed I couldn't do that.

I called my lawyer and had an appointment the next day. WHen I got there, he told me my then w called and she wanted to be there since she had dismissed her lawyer for our last reconciliation attempt.

I made a few changes to her agreement, she agreed and signed. We were divorced 2.5 months later.

I really felt I couldn't take the back and forth of trying to save the marriage. The reconciliation attempts were nothing more than when she and om were having problems. I also didn't want to subject my kids to the back and forth stuff.

<small>[ August 19, 2002, 06:54 PM: Message edited by: RWD ]</small>

I was the BS. When he first filed, I contested it and he had his petition dismissed. Started an order of reconciliation without telling me. One day - on our anniversary - my d lawyer called me and asked me if I was going to sign it. I thought he was crazy, asked if x had actually signed it, was told his atty. had as his representative, so I laughed and said to send it back - if he wanted to talk, he had to sign it first.

Anyway, 18 months later, when I was on the verge of having tachycardia from the stress in my life, I filed. On his birthday. I couldn't think of any better gift to give him.

B,

I am the BS and will file first (actually for legal separation not dv) right now I am gathering information that will be needed.

After this is finalized, will go to plan B.

God Bless,

D.