I was wondering if anyone can give me advice on when to call it quits. I've been separated physically since March (though emotionally separated since December last year). I found out my husband had an affair when we were engaged four years into our marriage. We have had trouble since day one with trust and sexual issues. We've gone to counselling throughout our marriage and also undertook pre marriage counselling. My husband has huge commitment issues. We have also had sex problems throughout our marriage. I'm not saying he is the only one with issues, but he has dragged the chain in resolving things, and still is. At the same time he says he wants to work it out with me. I basically get all my needs met outside the relationship and have got on with my life as best I can, but obviously the fact that we haven't made a decision one way or the other means we are both stuck. I feel I've made a very big mistake but as a Christian I want to do the right thing? Which makes me feel very trapped. When do you know it's ok to call it quits? When are you simply bashing your head against a brick wall? Is there a time to simply let go. I love him but feel I can't work things out with him. I want to get on with my life. can anyone offer any advice on this?

Chincea, I’ve struggled for a long time with the same questions that you have. I feel for your indecision, but unfortunately there is nothing magic about a certain time to let go or one specific line of no return. You have to understand that you are in control of making your future – with or without your husband. It is a simplistic answer to say, “give it some more time,” but I hope the time apart since March has helped you clarify the pros & cons of your relationship. If your husband has huge commitment issues, he may not be willing to commit to self-improvement as well as relationship/marriage improvement. It will take a lot of work from both of you. Read the Harley books and others, post more questions on this site and talk to friends and family. Get good, well-qualified counseling.

I too am very strong Christian, but don’t get too hung-up on societal and/or church preaching and values – this is your one and only life and you should be happy. There is no sin in divorce, but be sure that you have done everything you can, or are willing to do, to make your relationship work. Find your true blessings and happiness – you deserve it. Best of luck to you - Karl

When is it time to cal it quits?
When in your heart and mind you find yourself no longer asking that question.
You will know when it's over... there will be no doubt in your mind.
If your still struggling with your situation and pondering over it... then it's not over.
It's only over when you say it's over.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

<small>[ August 19, 2002, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>