My H is not interested in sex. Can anyone help? We have been married for 25 years, and I loved him greatly for the first 10 years. We had series of marriage counseling twice in the 10 yrs. and once since then. The problem has always been the same. When I first met him I was happy that he was not trying to jump into bed with me all the time like many men. Now...we have had sex about 10 times in 5 years. I am always the initiator, but 5 years ago I backed down. It was just another way for me to be in charge, and I know he does not like that about me. He gets all sweaty and upset about sex, and I have been gentle about it. I can make a sexy innuendo, even make an invitation for intimacy, but he acts like it isn't there. He does not like to talk about it--he's not a talker anyway. When I bring it up, he just says sadly, "I know." A year ago I insisted we spend time working on it, and he went tot he doctor for Viagra. Physically that works, but his desire is not there, so he never refilled the prescription. We would have divorced 10 years ago, except I was pregnant with our 3rd child, and he was out of work, again. Now I am lost, and do not know what else to do. Any ideas? Thanks. Moe

Did this come up the other times you were in counseling? What did the counselor say, and what did your husband say about it?

Yes, it did, all of the 3 times we had multiple sessions of counseling. We had sex therapy one time, and for several months things improved after all sessions. The counselors all described H as passive aggressive, and that he had low self esteem. Family histories were compared, etc. I am outspoken and can be critical. Love busters have to be avoided. He can be very affectionate in public, which is weird, but unresponsive in private. I had been willing to be the aggressor, but I am not any more. I think being the initiator all those years may have even contributed to stress and pressure he felt to perform, so to speak. The last counselor said we must both be satisfied with the arrangement or we would not still be married! Maybe she is right. H said then, that the counselors were right about his personality, and my style, too. Feels comfortable being affectionate in public, arm around my shoulder, even a pat on the bottom, but not able to make the same moves in private--may lead to something more.<p>[This message has been edited by Moe (edited July 26, 2000).]

I just want you to know that you are not alone. My w and I have been married for four years in September. We got married younge(I was 19 she was 20) so you would think our sexdrive would be through the roof. Nothing could be further from the truth. I love her very much. About 3 1/2 years ago she had an abnormal Pap. The Doctors scared us and told her it was HVP ( precurser to cancer). Frankly, it scared the hell out of us. She had surgery (down there) to check for cancer and fortunately the results were good. Two weeks later she started hemmorraging and I had to rush her to the emergency room. they catarized the spot on her cervix and she was fine after that but she had to return to the doctor every 3 months. Needless to say after this incident our sex life went down the drain. Immediately following I can understand but Three years and 2 normal paps later I'm left very confused and frustrated. I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her but I miss our intimate moments. She too, does not like to talk about it. I just wanted moe to know you are not alone and if you love him ( which it seems apparent you do) keep trying. For anyone else out there maybe you can help.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. We are beginning to try new counseling, reluctantly on his part. We'll see. Thanks.