Was posting under another name as Confused and can't believe. Now I am not so confused and can see now that my marriage is truely over. I stopped posting for a while because my wife was reading my posts and getting furious that I was "airing our dirty laundry". But I recently realized that the reason she was so angry was that she wanted to keep it all secret so that our divorce could look like we just couldn't get along.

Anyway quick rehash. I am a doctor recently finished with my residency. She is a teacher. We have been married for 11 years and have two wonderful boys ages 9 and 5. Over the past 8 months we have been having problems. I found in January that she had been having an EA (nothing else per her). Then she told me she wanted a divorce. about 6 weeks later, the day I was going to move out, I found out that she had a PA with a man she met on the internet and met him in Chicago. He was 10 years younger than her and had a wife and 2 kids less than 3 years old. She told me she was going to Chicago to have a weekend with her girlfriends, but actually went there and met him as he flew in from his hometown.

She begged me to forgive her and take her back. I loved her and my family and it took about 30 seconds for me to realize that they were more important to me than my pride. Thank God I had read His needs/Her needs and Surviving an Affair, because those books gave me some tools that allowed me to see that there was a chance. I spent the next 4 months working my butt off trying to meet her Emotional needs. I changed so much about myself and how I was. Not that I was a terrible man before, but I could definitely use some improvement. She really didn't do much to change anything about herself. She had repeatedly stated after me finding out about her EA that 'she was happy with who she was'.

Anyway, I had some difficulty getting over the betrayal and those feelings popped up every now and then when she would do something that triggered them. The final time was her once again leaving her wedding ring at home while she went out with her sister. I didn't handle it very well, but had been asking her very appropriately for several months to PLEASE be sure to wear it, because she had stopped wearing it after she had said that she wanted a divorce seemingly just to prove that our marriage meant nothing to her. Funny thing is that on our 10th anniversary I MADE her a Platinum, emerald, and diamond anniversary band myself and she had no trouble wearing that out with her friends. It was pretty and I think she wore it just as a bauble. A piece of jewelry, rather than for all the love that I put into it.

She once again has stated that she wants a divorce. She says that there is no other person, but I KNOW for a fact that there is. She doesn't know that I know yet. It makes no diffeence. Her betrayal has freed me from her in a way. I realize that there is no way that I could ever trust her again, even if she did want to come back and work. I realize that she doesn't have what it takes to be truthful and her sense of what character is fails my understanding. We have been going to counseling for 8 months and my counselor says she doesn't even understand what she wants.

But yesterday she (counselor) really helped me because I was feeling down and a little bit into self pity. I felt that even with all that I had done to change. All that I had sacrificed for our marriage. (I gave up the best fellowship in the world for my specialty, so that we could work on our marriage. Among many other things) I didn't have what it takes to keep someone happy that I loved so dearly and had spent 13 years with and had two children with. How in the world could I ever hope to find someone that I loved and make them happy. She replied that I shouldn't discount what I have to offer and the changes that I made. She said that in reality it all boiled down to the fact that I hadn't been meeting my wife's Emotional needs, and that there is nothing that I could have done differently in this situation. She said that She didn't understand what my wife wanted nor what she felt was missing, but that in the end, it all boils down to the fact that something was missing in our marriage for my wife and she feels compelled to find it somewhere else. That for everything we have and could have had in the future, she wants "something different".

That actually helped alot. Because I kept thinking that I hadn't done something or that I didn't understand. Well I hadn't been doing something and I don't really understand, but it is no longer about what I could do it is about what my wife needs that even with all my desire and ability I cannot provide. She never said that I wasn't doing something. I truthfully think that she never gave up her EA, at least in her mind, and when things hit a snag, she just jumped ship at a time when she could say that it was because of me.

I doubt if any of her friends know about him. She never told them about her infidelity or other EAs. She likes to look pure and wholesome for her friends. She was furious that I mentioned her infidelity to her mother. She wanted to just say that we couldn't work it out.

I am currently in a condo. We have joint custody of our children 50/50 time. I love having my boys here, and hate when they are not here. I will be posting a ton I am sure. She can just get over her anger at me. she is no longer a viable factor in my behavior and choices. She lost her hold on me when she gave herself to another man once again.

FC: I am so sorry things did not work out for you but you are right, you cannot make someone love you no matter how hard you try.

It sounds like you are in a good frame of mind. You will have a lot of ups and downs, but you will make it and come out a lot stronger in the end. And you are very lucky to have your boys. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Formerly Confused -

Wow!

Well, this is my take, for what it's worth.

You are doing the right things and on the right track, but have you ever thought that the reason that your wife is confused and on the wrong track and can't love you is because she doesn't love herself?

Have you looked at her family history?

Have you ever stopped trying to figure out what you did wrong long enough to see if there was maybe something that she wasn't doing?

Now, I have to say that being a former doctor's wife myself, it is hard to have the doctor spend so much time away from home and still get the time in required by HN/HR to keep a marriage going, but it you have honestly changed and made the effort then your wife should be responsive to your effort - otherwise, I have to feel that there is something wrong with your wife.

I personally don't buy the I'm confused arguement.

If you're married and committed to each other then you work on the marriage - period. And how can you be working on the marriage if you are going outside the marriage to find yourself.

According to HN/HN your spouse is supposed to be your recreational partner. Your spouse is supposed to be the one whom you have conversation. Your spouse is the one who the parties both chose to meet their respective needs.

And, if you have a Christian marriage, not to mention for Catholics marriage is a sacrament, looking outside the marriage is not living the sacrament.

There may be something in her that is prohibiting her from doing what she needs to do - getting back to her family - anyone have a chemical imbalance, or addiction? Does she have low self-esteem? Did she ever fulfill your needs?

In my situation, I have learned that my ExH always looked outside the marriage to have his needs met. Why? Who can really say, but I can see the pattern, now that I honestly look at the past 10 years. And I also see that it's better for the kids for us not to be in the same relationship because then they too would continue the cycle of being in a bad relationship. Now that we're divorced, the kids can see what life should really be like in my house and what life shouldn't be like at his house. Even though he is already re-married with a new wife and kids, the same unhealthy patterns will resurface.

Be sure right now that yo uare particularly sensitive to your kid's emotions. Make sure they have someone to talk to because they know what's going on - believe me. And why do you have to be the one to move out? Why can't WW ge tan apartment, since she wants the swingin' singles life?

Your kids need the parent and the house and the stable environment with the parent who can provide that. Not the confused parent who wants to be single with two kids.

I'm sorry. I just believe in the for better or worse concept. Call me crazy.

I'm also jealous, because my ExH supposedly went into his field so that he could be home with his family, so I waited until he finally got the job that would allow him to do that, and he leaves.

Oh well.

Hang in there. K

You have no idea how often I have thought that there was something truly "wrong" with my wife. I have repeatedly asked her to think about taking some medication, but she just refuses. She says that she is only depressed around me. This is not true and I really think that she is clinically depressed. Everyone in her family and acutally that she knows is taking some form of mood enhancement. Yours truly started taking some during our first round of divorce talks in January because I was so down that I was having a hard time functioning at work. She is always angry. She gets angry at the lifeguard at the pool because he won't let her take a drink next to the pool. She gets angry with the checker at the grocery because he won't sell her 2 four packs of toilet paper for the sale price of the 8 pack, since they are out of the 8 packs that are on sale. She is angry at her children's (school)parents because they take their kids out of school to go on trips out of the country. She in general is an angry person. But she just thinks that I am the one who is always angry. And when I mention it and show her the occurances she discounts them and says that she is just angry around me.

Well I used to be much worse than I have been for the last 8 months, that is for sure. I tended to react to her and it is the classic tale where the person who fights back is the one that gets caught. She could never see her role in how I reacted. She just saw me react and knew that she hated it. She could rarely reason why she did something, she did it "because" and that should be good enough for me. She thought that I always got my way, but in truth I gave in on so many things that I could never have kept track. But she was always able to remember the ones that I DIDN'T give in on and perseverated on those intensely. She can remember almost every bad thing that ever occured between us, but can rarely remember the great things about our marriage.

I know that I have been difficult to be with quite often, but after January I realized just how much I didn't want those things in my life and I changed. She even said recently that I was 100% better. She said that she never thought she could be this happy. She said that she never thought that I could change. But I feel that she had already fallen for someone else, so all these things did not really matter. She lied to me about there being another man. She led me to believe that this was once again just incompatibility, but I know the truth and still have yet to tell her. I don't want to pound her with the details, but I do want to get this off my chest, because frankly I am tired of being stuck with this information and a wife who continually acts as though she is so pure. She attends church but sits there and talks to my son. So not only does she not get the message, but she makes it difficult for my boy to pay attention as well.

I am torn betwen the desire to tell her friends and family about her infidelity again. On the one hand, I want to so that they can know just who they are supporting and what has happened. I respect them and don't want them to think that I am the total cause for this divorce. She was furious with me when I mentioned her prior infidelity to her mom. She said, "I thought I knew you better than that. I was just going to tell her we were having trobles and couldn't get it worked out." But if I told her mother that she is once again been having an affair, then I don't know what would happen. Her mom's a bit touched, but I think that over all she is a good person. I wonder what she would tell her daughter about how she is acting.

I also greatly respect two of her friends. I told her best friend only that she had an affair the first time. I never said anything about it again, and she said recently that she knew nothing more about it, since my wife had told her nothing and they hadn't discussed it. I wonder what she would say if I told her about the 27 year old married man with two children one about 3 and the other less than a year. I wonder what she would say If I told her about the other affairs. I wonder how supportive she would be if I told her about the new guy, and the real reason that my wife can't work on our marriage. I wonder what she would think about a "friend" that would throw her family away in order to be with a fantasy. I wonder what she would think about a "friend" that continually lies to her best friend.

She also has a very devout Christian friend who is divorcing because her husband physically abused her. I wonder what she would say if she knew about my wife's repeated infidelity. I wonder what she would think about my wife's character and religious actions. I wonder what she would think about the hipocrasy that is inherant within the woman that I have loved for 13 years.

In some ways I think that I should tell them all and just let them decide what to think and do with the information. Perhaps it would make no difference. Perhaps they would all drop her like a hot rock. Perhaps they would all think that I made this stuff up and was just being vendictive. They actually might believe the vendictive part, but not that I made this up. They all know that I am honest and that my wife tends along the side of embellishment as a way of life.

But then on the other hand, I don't want to take away the little support that she may be getting. Not because I care about how she feels, but that if she gets hurt, then she will just end up hurting my boys. Whether it is trying to turn them against me in retribution or just having no support and no one to turn to other than her "man". Then how would she continue her fascade of purity.

Anyway, the reason that I moved out is because I think that I can make a much better home for my children by leaving than she would be capable of. She is just incompetent on so many levels that to put her out would be to invite disaster. She loves our children, I know she does, but she just doesn't have a real understanding about what they need versus what she desires. I know that it is popular to make the "wrong" person hit the road, but I am only thinking of my children. She will just get to come along for the ride.

She definitely picked the wrong state to get divorced in however. The only thing in her favor is that it is no fault. (And I have even toyed with the thought of counter-sueing for divorce because of infidelity.) Otherwise child support seems low to me and there is no alimony. I don't know what she is thinking and maybe she just truly feels that she doesn't love me anymore so nothing else really matters. I don't know. But I do know that I did everything, absolutely everything that I could in order to make her happy over the past 6 months and got nothing in return. I am not surprised looking back that she did this. I think she would have done it sooner, but I had to pass boards and even she couldn't do it right before the biggest test of my life. It would have meant that her support checks would have been that much smaller.

FC:

Your post was very touching. I am sorry for the ordeal you are going through. It does sound like you've made the right decisions and have your kid's best interests at heart. They surely must be confused by all this, having to shuttle between their Mom and Dad, and probably not really understanding why.

Your wife appears to be 2 people....the one her friends and family know; and the other one married to you, not doing her part in saving her marriage or home life. She seems to "have it all" and yet is willing to throw it all away. Sometimes people place the blame on others, to avoid facing their own faults. They emphasize what the other person does wrong, instead of looking at what THEY may be doing wrong.

I'd like to offer my encouragement and support to you as you deal with this. Remember that you CAN and WILL get through this...and so will the kids. Take care!

DJ

Formerly,

Your w sounds like my x. She too was never happy, especially with anything I did. She went to counseling early in our marriage for work related problems, she's a critical care nurse and would take blame for everything that happened to a patient no matter what shape the patient was in. Things seemed better for a while.

Looking back things started to deteriorate a few years ago. X wasn't happy about going to kids sporting events, quit going to mine, started working afternoon shifts and basically not being around.

She apparently discussed our home life with her coworkers because someone was always advising her on our matters. I believe she may have had an EA with a coworker too. Can't prove it but all the classic sign were there. The guy got fired from the hospital and x defended him to the Nth degree, saying "THEY" were out to get him.

She had her affair in 1999, admitted to someone asking her out in 98 and being flattered. Now her marriage to om is over.

She told me she no longer hates herself and is comfortable with herself. She mentioned something about counseling and meds. I see some mood swings so I figure she is on something(legal).

So maybe your wife does need something like prozac or one of the other anti-deps.

Your w sounds like she was looking for guys to supply something. My x looked for things. She has tons of jewelry, and we never paid off a car, we always got a new one every couple years. Apparently that wore off and she went looking for guys too.

Hang in!