Today we had court ordered mediation to decide custody issues. This is a free service required in NJ in an attempt to avoid the courts.
My H had submitted a reasonable settlement plan, and I countered with minor changes. I found out yesterday, that once he learned that he'd be required to pay child support (by formula), he's now demanded 50/50 custody. Prior to separation, he barely spent 10% of the time with the children.
So now we're at an impasse. The next step is in front of a judge, and if that fails, the psychological evaluations.

I never thought it would get to this. He's getting nastier and angrier. His tag line is "I want what I want". The mediator even told him that he'd never get 50/50 and that he'd be requred to pay support. (We make the same amount, but because he's self employed, he's crying poor).

So now I have to deal with the feelings of disappointment and disillusionment. He has my children on a 9 day vacation at the shore. They've never been away from me for that long, and he always refused to take vacations when we were married, now he just wants to take them away from me. It's so sick. If I felt that he had their best interest in mind, it would be easier, but it's all about him, and his need to have them as a possession. We are blessed with these wonderful, vibrant little girls and I feel like I've cheated them out of a good father.

I went to the MC last night by myself (we're working on communication not reconciliation) and I told him things had gone downhill. He asked if I'd been to Al-Anon yet. I was surprised by his question, and also wondering if my H was drinking in our M and that could be the basis of many of our problems (we're both ACOA). It's a sickening thought that I didn't see it, but in hindsight, it's so easy to see the signs.

I relied on my support system to get me through this latest blow, but am still devastated about the outcome today. This could be unsettled for a very long time.

Thanks for listening.

Newly,

I'm sorry hun...HUGSS....I know how much this hurts..

I can't post a lot right now..but will post more later..just wanted to let you know your in my prayers...

I know it doesn't seem like it, but things will work out..

TR - thanks for your prompt response. I really love your responses. I feel so sad right now, and I'm finally crying about it. And I need to to that.
I usually check this board at work. we recently upgraded to Windows XP, and now my MB access is blocked. Yikes, I know I was addicted, but I really needed the boards on Tuesday and couldn't access them.

((((((((((newly))))))))))

I am so sad for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It's ok to be sad for a while, get it all out.

It will take a little while but what TR said was right. It will get better.

I thought that our H's were similar and now I know it for sure. I wish that I could have warned you beforehand because my H is sayig and doing the exact SAME THING! Maybe he called my ExH before he went into the mediation.

My counselor says that my marriage was a picture that I created and that ExH was just emotionally a child when we married and is still emotionally a child. Basically, I grew up, but ExH didn't.

So, where does that leave us?

Well, this is what I've learned - so don't you make the same mistakes.....

When dealing with H pretend you are dealing with a kid - give hime choices about things - don't let him guide the proceedings(it would be like letting a child being in charge of adult issues- don't do it or you will get a very selfish result, not in your or the kid's best interest). Yes, you will have to have a child custody evaluation - keep records and a calendar for the past year or so about how much time he has actually spent with the kids. Write down all the stuff you do for the kdis that he doesn't - doctors appointments, hair cuts, volunteer at school etc. You have to show a pattern that you are the primary care giver.

Don't feel guilty, because you are a good person and you will make sure the right thing happens for your kids no matter if you had 100% custody - but just think of how unhappy your girls would be if he had them - even 50% - and rememeber, they are girls, who need their mom. They will also be raised in a much more emotionally healthy home in your home and I've heard it one too many times that the 50% gets OLD REALL FAST for most H's, and the actual time the kids spend with their mom increases over time simply because of that fact.

Remember that you are fighting to protect not ony you, but also YOUR KIDS!

And Al-anon is an EXCELLENT idea as wel as counseling as well as reading co-dependent no more and possibly "adult children of alcoholics."
My dad wasn't an alcoholic but he had all of the personality traits of one and guess what - I married my dad!!! So, you want to get yourself "in the konw" and break the cycle so that your girls will not marry the same kind of person.

And don't beat yourself up about the end of your marriage because as wiftty says - these people are a ticking timebomb ready to go off - the question was never "if" but always "when."

And if it wasn't you they would have done it with whomever they had married. Now your job is to find out why you married him, and fix it with yourself and your kids.

It's a tragedy. These H's are ruining the best thing that could ever happen to them - their marriages with us. And because they are so childish, they don't care what the ramifications of their actions are, and the ramifications are plenty because they are hurting their kids, family, us etc.

I know that it's only a matter of time before H reverts to his own ways - unless OW has the emotional level of a 3-5 year old too. Now, that's got to be a fun relationship - two emotional kids. They will never be really happy like we will, and I'm making for darn sure that my boys are NOT like their father, and that their sister does not marry someone like him. If I can do that, then I'll consider my job well done.

At least we realized this sooner rather than later, of course it is disappointing that our H's we're who we thought they were - emotionally grown men.

I really am sorry that you are too feeing this pain.

But -

We will survive! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> K

I just had to add that on Tues. I finally got ExH in for mediation, and I just sat there and listened to him and it went just about as well as yours did.

All ExH could think about was how I did this or that, it was a bunch of finger pointing by him and basically when I sat back and listened, it really did sound like a child just tattling to their teacher.

Of course in this case the mediator looks at him like everyone else does and can't believe the stuff that ExH says because his actions are so warped - and the sad thing is that ExH honestly thinks that what he is doing is normal - normal in the world of selfish ExH I suppose.

Hang in there newly! I'm pullin' for ya!

K

Thanks GIIC, it's sad to see that there are so many like them out there. He's really just a kid. The marriage counselor says that there's a six year old inside everyone, its just how we learn to deal with things that allows us to grow. His parent's never made him grow up, now I feel like they are spending "my precious time" with my children - when he's supposed to have them. My Divorce Buddy (from my support group) also married one. Highly educated, but stunted. Signs for the future to avoid:
1. Past relationships - avoid those with no serious/long term dating relationships
2. Male friends - do they have a strong, solid group of friends, or do they avoid social situations
3. Relationship with parents - H's parent's are huge enablers
4. Social activities

It's amazing what we don't see even when it's in front of our face.

I really miss accessing this site from work. I think they finally decided that I really should get some work done and stop visiting this site all day.

Take Care All.