Why after all of the hell that he has put me through since October - do I still care - why do I freak when I think he is on the phone with someone else - why do I even care - We are getting a divorce - we have a court date on September 18 - he tells me it is what it is - Why do I even want someone who clearly doesn't want me or clearly doesn't deserve me....??? Help me - I know that he has betrayed me I know that he is so lost in this fog that he isn't coming out - I know that I can make it on my own - so why can't I just say ok - see ya --- I didn't deserve any of this - why am I still trying to fix something - that is so definately broken??? How do people go from having no problems or conflicts - to one of them having an affair then chucking away 15 yrs of marriage and 19 yrs of being together - How do I the BS get up enough courage to tell him where to go and how to get there -???? I go from being ok - to being so sad - Is there a future out there for me??? Can I make it without him??? Will I ever not want him????

Yes, believe it or not, it will get better. Each day gets better for me. I was divorced last September, and have had a REALLY hard time with the letting go.
I can tell you that prayer has helped me tremendously, lots of prayer. I definately would not want to go back to the marriage i had, but i think i miss the marriage that i always wanted, which would have never been.
Hang in there, it really does get better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Keep working on yourself, you are the important one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

maw64 -

Don't be so hard on yourself.

I've heard that it can take years to really heal - and that's AFTER the divorce, and you aren't even divorced yet.

If you we're hurting, then we would all think that there was something wrong with you.

Wiftty said something to me in response to one of my posts - I thing he said that a lawyer that used to post here a while back said that most divorces happen because one of the people has a mental problem or depression. (I'll have to check the post for the exact wording) But I would venture to guess, that if you really looked at the family history of your WS and took a realistic look at the marriage, you would probably see some warning signs that something was amiss.

You are also grieving because of the death of the relationship the death of the marriage. Divorce is a terrible thing and not the way God wants things. However, it may actually be better for you to not be in that relationship than to be in it.

Your growth as a person may have been stunted in some way by the relationship, or it may have been keeping you away from God or teaching your kids what a real marriage should be.

I don't know that specifics of your story, but as time passes things will get clearer for you.

Just make sure that you continue to work on bettering yourself and it will all turn out ok.

My personal opinion is that if the person is able to walk away from their marriage, then there is something wrong with them.

The pain isn't fun, but hang in there. It will get better!

K

I am going through a divorce too. And I have to say the pain is so severe still. I want my husband back, I want the marriage to be better, I want many things. I don't know when things will get better, but I will tell you one thing is to work on yourself. I am trying to work on myself, and I have such low days, like today. I find that I can't even think clearly, and I can't even find peace in what I do around the house. I just want to die and not be here anymore, and not have to face the day of getting up. I don't mind going to sleep, but to get up is just so hard.

But listen to those who have moved on. They say it will get better, so work on yourself. Find some new friends, go to church, and get active in something you really enjoy. If I had the chance, I would get involved in the gym, and get a bike and ride to my hearts content. I would go to the lake and read a book and enjoy the water. There is so much I would love to do, so much I want to do, but once again, money is an issue for me. I have been a stay at home mom, and married for 24 years. It is hard not having an income and not having a job. If you know you will do okay without him, that is one step in the right direction. I don't know that, cause I don't have a job, a secure income, a secure life. I live in a house that needs lots of work, and drive an unreliable vehicle. I do have 3 of the kids live with me, and that is comfort. But I feel in 2 years I will be truly alone, and the kids will be gone. Last one is in high school a junior this year. He will graduate in 2 years, and then to college.

Yes, I have all the animals to take care of, and all the responsibilities, I guess that is what God wants me to do, be the caregiver still, and try to live. Oh well, sorry for the downness, just not a good day today, and for the last 3 days.

Take advice from others, they tell me repeadedly, things will get better. So you have a good start, and look at the bright side, you are a good person, I know I am a good person, therefore, we should beable to do better for ourselves. And why do we want to be with the person who decided to leave us for another person, have an affair, and mess up the family life? Because the betrayed spouse still loves this person, the BS still remembers the good times, the BS looks at the history, the BS looks at the committment. The wayward spouse looks at only themselves, and no one else. That is why it hurts, they are uncaring, selfish devils, and the hurt is not experienced by the WS, only by the BS. The WS thinks they had the euphoria of love, soulmate, etc. They had a image, a temporary closeness, that was made out of deceit, immoral hearts, and God saw it all.

That is why it hurts, we have been rejected and that is hard. The WS doesn't know what rejection is and doens't care about the BS being rejected.

Look to the future, and sounds like you have one step in the right direciton.

thank you all for sharing - the posts are very helpful

I think that you still hurt, because you are a good and warm soul.

I think that the people who post here tend to be sensitive people and that sensitivity is a blessing and a curse. It lets us be aware of other people's feelings, however, it can keep us attached far longer than is healthy or prudent.

I hope you fell better soon.

My prayers to you,
c++_guy

maw64: All very good questions. Same ones we all have. Unfortunately, I don't think there are any answers. It doesn't make any sense and I guess sometimes that is what happens in life.

I just want to praise everyone who has responded to this thread. Your responses are right on target and I echo all of them.

Momof4kids - thank you so much for the inspiration - it is nice to hear from someone who is living through this and can prove that it can be accomplished. I am praying that it gets better - The good days are really good the only down side is the bad days are really bad.

God is in control - thank you I have read most of your story and I know that you are dealing with a x that recently got married - that is my biggest fear that he is going to be with someone else again and I will not be able to handle it - I wish that I just didn't care but sorry to say that I still do - but I know that it will get better but it is the getting there part that tends to drag me down sometimes - Again thanks for your input...

Cry2much - Oh I can feel your pain - I used to want to not get up - but I have passed through that - I am actually having more good days than bad but like I said the bad days really stink - and I am sure there will be more to come seeing how our court date is on 9/18 - The one thing that I thank god for is that I have had a full time job throughout the marriage so that is good for me - Financially I will be ok - a little strapped but ok. I hope that you can find peace also - it is so hard and you are right they are so selfish and the sad part is I don't even think that they realize it. Good Luck..

Gaiaa - I am glad all of the posts helped you...

C++_guy- OK thank you I definately know that I am still hurt - I guess shell shocked comes to mind more often than not - it is like who is this person I am married to and where did he come from??? Thank you for your concern - and I am hoping that I will let go and feel much better soon... Thank you - and good luck to you in your new life...

Fingers1258 - OK - you are right we all do have the same questions and it is sad isn't because I am not sure that any of us will ever get any answers that are real or make sense - Hopefully we will all come out of this as better people - and we will all be geniunely happy again someday... Thank you again - all of you.... It is nice in a wierd way to know that I am not the only suffering through this...

maw64,

I read your post and I have all those questions and feeling too. I just posted yesterday for the first time to this board "New To This Board".

People tell me I will be better off, I deserve better, etc. My head knows that but my heart, my soul and my body are not so convinced. I can't explain it any better than that.

I still try to fix and I secretly hope that he will come to his senses. Then I tell myself no, I must move on.

Cry2much it the nail on the head when she wrote: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And why do we want to be with the person who decided to leave us for another person, have an affair, and mess up the family life? Because the betrayed spouse still loves this person, the BS still remembers the good times, the BS looks at the history, the BS looks at the committment. The wayward spouse looks at only themselves, and no one else. I do all of that, I look at the many good times, even during this past year of hell there were MANY good times mixed in with the bad. I think the other thing I have discovered is that (for at least my H), they are weak and have a delusional perception of what a happy marriage is. I really believe that my H feels that a marriage should be 100% good times, euphoria. Any time the slighest little thing arouse he was ready to give up. He said himself that there were more good times than bad but that the bad seemed to out weigh the good. Guess, just like anything else, you always remember the bad (bad customer service, bad food,) I am sure you get the picture. However, I as the BS really center my attention on the good and turning the bad into good. Working together to reslove issues and not just giving up.

I also thing God Is In Control made a good point: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">most divorces happen because one of the people has a mental problem or depression. Propr to this I would never have thought that my H had problems but now I think he does. I truly believe that he has a low self-esteem, that he is confused and may have some mental problems.

This really stinks for now. I just hope that someday I can look back and see it was for the best.

Need2behappy - it really sucks basically that we find ourselves in this position at all... You seem to have been through alot - the betrayal and the lies are enough to unbalance anyone - yet we still try to hang on - I used to think it was because I was afraid of the unknown - of the security that I felt with him - but I know that I can really financially make it - so that is a big step - I guess it boils down to - I don't need him in my life but I want him there - Which is hard to understand that he doesn't want that now - I wish that I could really get mad and say ok - thats it - you know and not care but as you know it is so hard - I think my self esteem has been shattered - I mean if the person that I have loved for so long could do this to me - what will a stranger do??? I don't know maybe it is fear of the unknown... I hope we can make it through - and be happy in the end - If you need someone to talk to I am always around - sad but it is true that misery loves company in situations like this - mimiw64@yahoo.com Thanks again for your input

maw64

You are so right.

I know I can survive financially on my own so that's not the issue. Sometimes the idea of starting over is exciting. I get to, for the first time in my life own my own home all by myself. We have had 3 together but I have neve had a place of my own. I get to do what I want with it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I made another difficult revelation a few weeks ago. On Aug. 5th my mother passed away. I am an only child and my father died when I was 9. I had to make very difficult decisions and I was very strong during the whole ordeal. My H even remarked about how proud he was of me. So, that proves to me I can survive this.

For me, I think the fear of the unknow is there. I also think the biggest part of my pain comes from what is happening to my children and how I will not be the one to put the to sleep everynight and get them up every morning. For 4 years I have been there almost every night and morning. Now, a man who betrayed me, who never had the time for his wife or kids will get to take that joy from me. I do not know how I will get over that. Big point of contention between us. He wants 50/50 custody (2 weeks w/ him, 2 with me). I want him to have them Thu-Sun every other weekend. It's not fair that we are doing this to them. It makes me so sad.

My H has done some really rotten things to me, he has said some really rotten things to me. And yes, I think my self-esteem has suffered from it. So I am sure that is part of my pain. Still, I long for us to be together again. Part of me thinks we are going to be one of those couples who re-marry after divorce. Maybe it's just wishful thinking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I would love an email buddy. I am at

<small>[ August 23, 2002, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: need2bhappy ]</small>

Needstobehappy - I just emailed you - thank you for your support - I look forward to talking to you at more depth maybe we can help each other through this - bye for now...