A little background:

My wife and I have been married for almost 9 years and recently she said she was done with us, she was unhappy, and she wanted out.

Not a separation, but a full blown 'I'll take the kids, you'll pay child support, etc.'

At first I figured she was just wanting to spread her wings in the world, since she went from a house where her stepfather sexually molested her from 12-20, which she had a kid who lives with her mom and stepdad.

I was the first person to stand up to them, and she came with me shortly afterwards. For 7 years our marriage was great, then she started to get unhappy, said I questioned things too much, etc.

And a little over a month ago, she said she was done, that there was no one else, she just wanted to be alone, so she wants a divorce.

But now I know, there is someone else, who after she gets done working (bartender) she meets up with, and spends the night with him, until 3-4 in the morning.

My attorney said it was best to find out all I could, so I have a PI on her, as well as the phones at home recorded so I know what she is doing.

Though not admissible, it gives me a heads up on her actions. I have found out that she has been having sex with him for over a month, that she has been drinking alot, smoking drugs, and all that jazz. While she continues to tell her parents that there is no one else, that she just wants to be out of the marriage because she will not live her life being miserable.

The taped convos between her and her step sister has shed that she plans to marry this man as soon as our divorce is final. She is spending all her money on him instead of contributing to our household.

We have two children 7 and 3, and for the last 5 years, I have been the primary care giver of the kids. She sleeps till noon, my 3 year old has unsupervised reign of the house, while she is lucky to see my 7 year old a total of 1 hour during the week, and recently 3 to 4 on the weekends. So my attorney has been documenting all this for a case of custody, as I have been keeping a journal of everything, when she drops the 3 year old off to my parents to when she comes home at 4:30 in the morning.

This man is 3 years older then her, has custody of his two kids from a common law relationship, which they leave them with his mom who lives with him, while they are out partying and drinking all night.

I know right now, her emotions are being met by this man: 'I'm going to protect you' You are so beautiful, etc.

I always did my best to meet her needs, to make sure that she was provided for, protected, etc.

And now she is going to jump into a new marriage with a man that has no stable income (car salesman), a drug habit, gotten her to drink nightly etc.

She tells me that maybe in six months she will realize she made a mistake, but now I know that is just a smoke screen, so I will hurry up and get the divorce, so she can be with him.

Has anybody else had an experience like this, and what is/had/has been the outcome of it all.

I love this woman the whole wide world, worship her, and I don't want to cause any more hurt to her then necessary, but I need to make sure my kids are in the best possible situation.

HELP!!!!

hurting in Ga again,

I've not had experience with that but suggest going to alanon. I am fairly new to alanon, but in reading "In all my affairs ...making crisis word for you" there are situations such as yours described. The right alanon group is a safe place to talk about things like that & it's really all about relationships.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,
D.

I'm sorry that you are going through this, but i do know how it feels and have been there. You must get the goods and also get a child phycologist involved. Your hole direction at this point should be to protect your childrn whom you love and yourself. Move on this with a very good attorney that works with child custody cases. Save your children and then yourself. Your wife sounds very destructive and you seem to be in her way. Know is the time to remove her from her fantacy life and shake her up."Its about the children"

I am sorry you are going through this. I went through the same stuff. My stbx (SNL) he posted here for over a year. Had the affair, hid money, and is still hiding money, lied, had secrets with the other woman, and of course decided to have sex with her. What you are going through is painful and hurts. I hired a lowkey detective, but now I know if I had realized SNL was spending thousands of dollars on the other woman, I would of spent thousands. I am the thrifty one in this marriage, I managed the bills and money, therefore that is why we were getting ahead. Get a good PI, and also, get an attorney a good one for protection of yourself and the kids. If you can get her taking drugs, you have the kids. As long as you don't take drugs also. The drinking I found out is not such a big deal. But the drugs are.

Show the kids that you are the caregiver. That is what our kids are seeing. SNL only wants the kids to help him, to do this, or do that. Like SNL stated on MB, why does he have to take care of me and the kids. The kids are finding out the hard way. Anyways, find a good lawyer, ask around, call around. This is the most important person in a divorce, a good lawyer. They are the ones that are going to help you win your kids, win your rights and win your life back.

Yes, the lies hurt, believe me, they still hurt, cause SNL is lieing to this day. Caught him lieing in the questioning that my lawyer did to SNL with the court reporter there recording and taping. His mother and I were talking and found SNL has been lieing to his mother for sure 13 years ago. The wayward spouse only thinks about themselves, and no one else. They are out to get what they want, and to heck with anyone else. Be prepared for the worst. My lawyer and the police told me it is going to get uglier, and I thought they were frabicating the statement. But I have seen the truth before my eyes, things are getting uglier by the day. It is unbelievable that the one you married, gave your soul and body to can treat you in such a demeaning manner. Like SNL posted here on MB vows mean nothing. If he felt that way, why didn't he tell me he felt that way in the beginning? SNL lied to me from the beginning. I would of never married this man if I knew that vows were hogwash to him. I would of never married this man if I thought he was in need of sexual desire. I would of never married this man if I knew he would cast everyone else away and think of only himself. I married this man cause I thought he was kind, family was important, and he had a good head on his shoulders. He admired me for my chritian outlook, and he admired me for not having anyone else taking my body. He admired my intelligence, and outlook. But it doesn't mean anything anymore, cause he fell for a woman that was quite promiscous in her marriage, and well before her marriage. She told SNL that he was having sex with others while dating.

ANyways, look out for yourself, it is going to be hard, and your kids are going to hurt. They need counseling. I finally found counseling for one of our sons, that SNL had sent a sexual e-mail he was sending to his other woman that was quite graphic, and sent it mistakeningly to our sons printer. Our son read it, and what I was told is that our son went to his dad and started a physical fight with his father. I was on a trip with one of our daughters. I was informed by the kids what happened, and how it happened. This son is in need of psychological help, and SNL says everything is okay, but he doesn't see the signs of a troubled son. I do, and I have I think finally found someone that I think our son will see.

So get help for your kids, they are going to need it, they are going to know that you are there for them, even if their mommy isn't. Good luck, this is hard for you and all your family.

Hurting Again -

If you have read the info. on this site about affairs and/or Surviving an Affair you'll know that what your WW is going through is like an addiction.

It will for the most part not last, but the emotions are real and they are strong, and they will lead your WW to do destructive things.

You should take care of your kids and yourself - make sure you have a good attorney, find a good support system - counselor, al-anon, church group, friends, prayers etc.

You can't do anything to stop her destructive behavior, but you can minimize the effects on you and your kids. Once your WW comes up for air and realizes what she's done - after she's already caused so much damage, then you can analyze the rights and wrongs, but for now protect yourself!

K

Thanks so much for all the responses, I was shocked when I saw them all.. I can give a brief run down of recent happenings.

1. She continues to tell me, her parents, and those that have been around her all her life that she just wants to be alone, there is no one else. I know otherwise, and it kills me to not let these people know what the real story is.

2. She got home at 3:30 am on Saturday Morning, was up around 9:00, left the house by 9:30 to get a haircut, nails done, and car washed. Home around 4:45 and gone by 5:15 to work. She came home at 4:45 am Sunday morning.

3. Sunday she left the house at 2:00 to go to Wal-Mart, she got home at 11:30. (She had the day off)

Which means, this weekend, she saw her boys a total of 3 hours.

I told her on Friday night that was not going to make her truck payment, and she was furious because "We are not divorced yet". She went as far to say, "Ok, we are gonna get ugly, I will have this house, you'll be paying for it, you'll be paying me child support, and paying my truck payment." I know she has stashed away her money from the last 2 weeks, except the 400.00 she paid to by her lover new tires for his car. She has since got the money I believe from a friend that is well off, (what she did for it, I don't even wanna know)

Last week she looked at property with him, talked to her step sister about how his whole family loves her, and how she was just going to dive in head first with him (marriage). The PI's have her on video with him from Friday, and will be back on it tonight.

It is so agrivating to know exactly what she is doing, how she is lieing to those that really love her, and for me to love her so damn much even though the way she is treating me and kids. She wont even spend time with them!! She see's me 7 year maybe 1 hours during the week, and she couldn't even spend time with him this weekend.

Divorce is definately going to happen, I have had my lawyer working on the papers since last Weds. If I thought I could sit it out and let the affair run it's course I would, but knowing that they are planning to marry as soon as the divorce is final, I can not sit back. Who knows, when she get the papers at the end of the week she'll probably go totally insane and try to take me out.

It hurts so much, but even if she were to come to me today and tell me everything and how it was a mistake, I would not be able to believe her nor trust her. I will love this woman forever, as I remember the woman from 6 months ago, not the one from 1 1/2 months that has done all this.