I have posted on here a few times, and I only came across the website a few weeks ago when my marriage started falling apart. I do not know where else to turn, and since others here have been in my situation I thought someone could help. My story: I have been married for less than a year (anniversary is in 2 weeks and 2 days). My husband and I have always had some problems, but nothing I though we couldn't work out. He tells me 2 weeks ago that he wants out. He is selling the house and getting away from me. I want my marriage to work so badly. I love him so much. I have done things wrong in the past- nothing major. Just lashing out and arguing. Hasn't everyone. We have never cheated on each other, and I know there is not another woman involved. He hasn't talked to me in 2 weeks. I have picked up bits and pieces of whets going on while he talks to other people on the phone. He has only the told me what his plans ware, not when. I have talked to a counselor and our preacher in the past 2 weeks. He refuses to go get help. I don't know what to do. I do not want to give up. I don't want to lose him. He told me this morning that he is getting rid of the house in the next 2 weeks. He said he had to get away from me for a while. I said how long is a while, and he ignored me then screamed at me. Finally he said at least a month or 2. I can't move out and move home with my parents, and then when he wants me back move back in with him. I guess I prefer this to him saying he wants this forever, but he may be just saying this to shut me up and leave him alone. I'm so scared that he will go out and meet someone else with we are"spending time apart". I know how men are, they like to play single. I don't know what to do. I do not know if there is any hope or not. Can someone help me please? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LShip:
<strong>I know how men are, they like to play single. I don't know what to do. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First off, WELCOME and I'm sorry you are here. The only thing that you can do right now is continue to work on yourself. You have seen that by forcing him to discuss an issue that a screaming match will result. About the house, is your name on the note? You need to make sure that you protect yourself financially.

And by the way, I just couldn't let that comment slip by. Why do you say that? Are speaking of your husband with that comment? There are responsible and respectful men and women out there who don't "act single"...

Hi LShip,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> and I know there is not another woman involved. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry, how do you know there is not another woman involved? Is this type of behavior the norm for your husband? Or was this something that only recently came up?

As LostHusband stated, you need to take this time to make changes in yourself. What were you like when you first met your husband. Did you fight like cats and dogs? Or were you each someone the other person enjoyed being around, wanted to be around?
You need to get back to that person, regardless if he becomes the person he was back then. It all starts with yourself.

I understand completely how scared you are about separating, and the fear that he may find someone else during that time. What you have to realize is that you do not have him now. That being the case you must overcome that fear and start working on being a better you.

No more arguing(LOVEBUSTER), no accusations(LOVEBUSTER). What you must do is stop all the love busting and start making deposits in his LOVE BANK.

Please click the marriage builders link at the bottom of my reply. Then READ, READ, READ. Come here or General Questions II, ask questions, THEN READ SOME MORE.

When you get very angry and can't hold in in, COME HERE AND VENT. Talk to us about your frustrations and fears. NOT YOUR SPOUSE! Trying to talk to him while upset will only cause a big fight. You know this already, so change the way you do things. Start changing yourself.

By the way, WELCOME to MBers. I am sorry you have the need to be here, but you have come to the right place.

jd

Marriage Builders

<small>[ August 23, 2002, 01:43 PM: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</small>

Thanks for your comments and support. I hate having to come here too.
Sorry for the comment LostHusband, I know alot of men act like that. I do not think my husband would, but you never know with the state of mind he has right now. No, my name is not on the house. He bought the house (actually he built it and I helped with everything), then he bought me a ring a month later. So, everything in the house is in his name. My car is in my name and his truck is in his name. We keep our finances separate (my choice) and he pays the house and his truck payment, and I pay everything else.So I guess I am legally not entitled to anything.
I guess no one can be 100% sure some one else is not involved, but I am about 95% sure. That is the first think everyone asks (who do not know the 2 of us well). I really think that is the last thing on his mind. He has bigger problems, finances, his diabetes and me. His 3 main problems as he says. We have always argued. We are both stubborn and like "to win". I know a marriage isn't about winning though. Things have never been perfect, but we have always managed. I just don't want to give up. Do I keep trying- do I leave him alone? Do you think us getting away from each other for a month or 2 as he says can help or hurt us. I have prayed and prayed for god to give me the strength to hold on, and to open his. I just don't know what else to do. I am a mess. I don't do anything but cry day in and day out. I am the type of person who usually cares 100% what I look like, and right now- I have no care in the world. I don't eat, sleep. I am sick to my stomach all the time. I know I have to get control of myself- but it is hard. Do you think I am too late to make my marriage work?

Let me throw in 2 more pennies.....

First, a lot of us jump to the conclusion of other people because how often it occurs. When I came here 1.5 years ago, I was 100% sure that there was not another man... Guess what, I WAS WRONG. But it really doesn't change anything, in my opinion.

The fact is that you can't control him and he's going to do what he wants to do. Now, I must ask you, do you think that you are attractive to him now? Crying all the time, not eating, not sleeping, and so on. Which leads me to, right now, you need to stop worrying about him and focus on yourself. Force yourself to eat, because it will help in all aspects of life.

As you read up on "PLAN A", you'll see that much of it is about working on yourself and trying not to "LOVEBUST". Whether you get divorced or not, you have to focus on you right now.

I've been down this road, so I do know that what I'm saying right now sounds almost impossible but it's a must. Control YOURSELF and give all the other problems to the LORD.

I know I have to get control of myself, but it is so hard. Especially living in the same house right now knowing that any day it could be the end. This weekend was really hard. He worked Friday night, which was Ok and he came in Saturday morning when I was getting ready for my nephews b-day party. We didn't talk. I left. Everyone wanted to know where he was and we wanted to have children. It was really hard for me to fake everything. I came home late that afternoon, and he walked in about 15 minutes after I got home. I tried a little small talk, it didn't work. I left him alone to watch football. I went to the bedroom, and came out a little later to watch football with him. My parents called and wanted us to go eat with them. I asked knowing he would say no, and he said he wasn't going anywhere he wanted to watch Football all night. Well his sister called and he left to go there. Of course I got upset, because he wouldn't do anything with me-only her, as always. He came in about 1:00 and I acted like I was asleep and he got in the bed with me. Yesterday I stayed in bed until like 10:00 which is so unlike me, but he was there and I didn't want to leave the bed. Finally I got up and started cleaning up the house. He got up and left then came back about an hour or so later. Then turned around and said he was going to the gym. He didn&#8217;t come back home until 8:00 last night. I tried to talk to him, and things were just the same. He says how unhappy he is with me. He is selling the house-same old thing. I asked him when this was taking place, and he said he would let me know. I asked him if wanted me to go ahead and leave the house and he wouldn't answer me. He said I was stressing him out. I am the one who is bending over backwards for him, busting my butt-not him. Anyway we argue and he goes to the bedroom. He screams at me for being in the other room crying. I finally go to bed after he is asleep. Which leads me up to this morning. I get ready to leave for work, and tell him I will be home later because I have an appointment with the counselor at 5:00, and he says so. He yells at me more for crying, even thought I am in the other room. Do I say in the house- do I leave? I want to spend as much time with him as I can. Counseling helps while I am there-until I get home. I am so stressed out. I don't know how to keep going. It is exhausting me mentally physically and emotionally. I am making myself sick. I still keep thinking about our year anniversary in 2 weeks. I want to do something so bad. Am I crazy to keep hoping and praying that things will change?

LShip -

You need a plan. You need to read about Plan A and Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs and get to work!

Nothing is going to change unless you change.

Of course H is unhappy because you're unhappy and you're unhappy because H is unhappy - it a cycle - you've got to break it.

Get a support system together - friends, family, counselor, God and get the strength to break the cycle.

What would happen if H came home and you were looking nice, the house was clean and you were happy? What would happen if you did this for a few days? What would happen if you stopped talking to him about the marriage and just worked at being married - partiipating in things with him - like going to the gym with him?

What would probably happen is that H would eventually stop being unhappy. It's called Plan A.

I know that when you are in the middle of all of this it is REALLY HARD to do what I just suggested. But if you really want to effect change, then you have to change.

Otherwise, just start planning for a divorce.

You could also read Divorcebusting or her new book - forgot the name by Michelle Werner-Davis.

By focusing on what you CAN change, it will help you not dwell on what you CAN'T change.

I'm sorry that you are going through all of this.

Keep posting.

K

Thanks for the words of advice. I will read what you told me to. The Surving an affair doesn't really apply to me since neither is cheating.
I have been cleaning the house each day, cooking for him (which he usually eats out or at his sisters), and trying have myself looking halfway decent-which is hard when I cry all the time. I can't go to the gym with him because he goes while I am at work, and I am not a member there. I run every night at home and work out at the house. I try leaving him alone, and it hasn't been working. I feel like I am on a time limit. Like a bomb is ticking. He wants to get out of this and sell the house so fast, that I feel like I have to think quick. I know he is stressed out financially and I have offered to help, and he doesn't want my money. I write out check for bills and he yells at me saying he doesn't need my money. I feel like if I leave him alone I am losing him more and more. I want so hard for us to at least do something on our anniversary in 2 weeks. If he sells the house and moves in with his sister and her family, we will never work things out. Ever since she moved here our problems have escalated so much. I can't call her house to talk to him or go there to talk to him if I need him. I know they are probably telling him to leave me since he is "miserable" with me, and him living there will make it worse. He is going to destroy it even more. I have tried what the counselors have suggested. I have been to 2 people last week and I am going again today. I have tried to leave him alone and act calm but it is hard. I pray and pray that God will give me the strength to stand back. But I feel like I am standing back watching it all unfold in front of me. I keep think that if I am this upset now, how am I going to handle it when we do live apart and I can't see him everyday, or know what he is doing, or how he is doing. He keep saying that he want to be apart, and when I say you want to be divorced, he says" no I didn't say that". I don't know what he wants. I am just stuck between a rock and a hard place. I need lots or prayers to keep me sane. Should I go ahead and leave the house now- or wait???

I think for your mental health you need to let go. If you can't do that in the house, then you need to leave.

Your husband is doing what he needs to do for himself. You need to do the same for yourself.

Why do you want him if all he can do is yell and get angry? Have you read through any of the LB, or His Needs Her Needs?

I don't know how you can be so sure about what your husband is doing. He has the time and the opportunity and his just want it over attitude says he thinks his life will be better without you. Somehow, I think you have been replaced.

YOu need to talk to a lawyer. He still may owe you some kind of equitable distribution on the house.

Lship,

I am sorry for your situation. Let me first say that many of the folks here have been where you are and have been around the block trying to help others. Please really listen to what they are telling you. Make up your own mind and take your own actions but really listen.

You are in a difficult spot. Right now your H has a lot of anger. I have to wonder where it is coming from. As a man, here is my best guesses - He is having an affair and has a lot of guilt over it and is taking it out on you. 2)There is something else he is feeling guilty about and taking it out on you. 3) He has a serious bout of depression and needs to seek some help - he will not realize this and likely if you bring it up he will be more angry so you have got to find a way to get him help without putting yourself at risk. 4)The things you have done to get his attention like nagging or other little intentional things have emptied his love bank for you - although, I really seriously doubt that this is the REAL reason.

It could be a combination of all- but honestly, what you describe is clasic symptoms of adultery. Just as someone has said above, you may not believe it now but from someone who has seen it, it is quite clear. Likely, the sister is either enabling him to do this or is at the very least a good excuse to use while he does it.

What makes it worse is that he has already in part made up his mind that there are other alternatives. The fact that you are trying so hard to hold things together and are crying and so hurt likely make you look week and unlovable. Look at yourself from his perspective and ask yourself what you would think of you - especially if there were an alternative out there that is just as willing to fulfill his needs but isnt an emotional wreck right now. Unfortunately many of us find out that what seems to be the right thing to do really flys in the face of how to get the WS back. Crying and being hurt you would hope would let him understand how much he has hurt you and get some sympathy and turn him around. What it does instead is make him feel guilty and he reacts with anger (its a guy thing, well, my WW did it too so not just guys I guess) and lays the blame on you because "see, he was right it could never work your just too emotional and no fun to be around." The other person is fun and you are always crying and making him feel bad.

As long as you two are living together and you have to face him everyday you will continue to be hurt (I know, I was there a long time). I will tell you the truth, but it is the hardest thing you will ever try to do and it wont seem right but it is - If you want him back you must let him go. The other woman has some mystery about her and the relationship is fun and new. Right now he knows you are there and when he hits the door you are going to be crying and begging and pushing him for answers and committment. He feels angry, trapped and unsure and all he knows is it isnt fun to be around you. So how can you win?

First of all, dont loose hope because there is hope as long as you two are breathing. He just has a hard heart right now and you can not get him to change. He has to realize his problems on his own. You can help, but it has to do with standing up for yourself and respecting yourself enough to make a stand. Right now he can go out and have his fun and knows your there and will take him back when he says so. A cake eater in the making.

Here is what I suggest - Dont give up, just change your tactic.

Read everything on this site
Read Love must be tough by Dobson - THis is a must read and do it quickly because you will want to use the principals. It will also let you see what we see about your husband and reasons for his behavior.
Talk to a lawyer to find out your rights. The house may be in his name but I bet you are entitled to half.
Set your boundries and apply the Love must be tough principles - i.e. He has two choices, separation which involves him finding another place to live (not you)for a few months while he figures out what he wants (this will give you time away and make you more of a real choice - read the book)or 2 committ to the marriage, be honest with you about what is really going on so you can work on things. This should include counseling together, etc.
Talk to one of the MB counselors
Read your bible
Pray

Be strong, if you want to save things your best bet is to act quickly. Dont waste time wallowing in self pity, take positive action/this is also "working on yourself" he will notice the change, may not like it at first but he will eventually respect you for it and it will be a lot more alluring than a crying discheveled needy spouse who hangs on too tight and makes him feel trapped. Instead he has his choice, and forces his hand and just maybe he starts to think that he has figured you wrong and really would be missing out if he didnt have you in his life. Be nice but be firm do it in a loving way.

Like I said the hardest thing is letting go. That is where I failed (mostly because we stayed in the same house up until the end) get some separation that will give you a chance be strong, especially around him. THe letters in LMBT (love must be tough) are great samples and using them may give him the relief he desires.

I wish you the best, you are going down a hard road. Get some space even if it is going out to shop or see friends/family it will help take your mind off of him. Also, concentrate on helping others and not your own problems as much as possible to help you from feeling down.

I am trying to give you the benefit of my experience and failings. It will not be easy, it will be HARD but maybe your only chance - lets face it, what your doing now isnt working is it? so why not try a new way.

Best of luck and please keep posting. If I can help feel free to call on me.

John

Thanks John for all of the advice and insight. This message board has helped me allot. I have seen that other people have dealt with the same issues and made it through, and some people have actually stayed together. The only think I do not like is that everyone accuses my husband of having an affair. I know that is what ruins allot of marriage, but any one who knows me and my husband know that this isn't the case here. Even people that can't stand him, do not think that is the case. I never really even thought too hard about it until I got on the boards, and now I have been questioning it even thought I know it is not the case. We all have different situations. He has a lot of problems. He had a bad child hood and really has never been loves and I think he has a hard time giving love and letting someone love him. I know that I am not the root of his problem. His finances are stressing him out, and I know he hates that he cannot do things for me. All of this stress is affecting his diabetes, which scares him to death. It has never been this out of whack (he is only 29). He says he has to get way from me for his own health, Yes, I do nag him. But I do it because I love him. I know I need to step back, but it is hard. I don't think he really wants this, but he doesn&#8217;t know what else to do. He keeps making comments that "he married me" and made a commitment, but in the same sentence want to get away from me. I think he feels like he is taking me down, because he is having to sell the house, because he got over his head financially. He said that is a lot of pride he is giving up right there. I think deep down he wants it to work, but he doesn't want to admit it. He is a strong person, very hard headed, and once his mind is made up there is no changing. I will try very hard this week to leave him alone and see what comes out of it. I see my counselor today- maybe she can help too. I wish I had someone sitting on my shoulder at home to tell me what to do when things are said. Thanks for listening to me and for all for the advice

Get The Book Co Dependent No More and start fixing your behavior. You can't fix someone else only you.

I definately agree with John, the book Love Must be Tough, by Dr. Dobson, is a wonderful book. It really helped me through a really rough time.

Just wanted to give an update on the latest. I was suppose to see my counselor on Monday, but she had to cancel- I am going in about 2 hours. I have gotten a little more out of my H in the past 2 night. He did admit that he loved me and cared about me, he just couldn't be with me right now. He said he never said he wanted a divorce. He just can't deal with me right. He wants to get other things in life straight, before he can work on our marriage. He jus needs to separate for now. He said he wants to get his health straight and his finances (since we always argue about money), because if he doesn't concentrate on his health (diabetes) than he wouldn't be around to focus on our marriage. He said he needs to work on him, and I need to work on me. He said he would not go to counseling with me, if he decides to go it will be on his on terms. I told him if he wants to work on our marriage, we have to go together sometime, and he said not right now. He said this is hardest thing he has ever had to do. I asked him if we could spend our anniversary together (9/8) and he said no. It would be wrong to lead me on. He said he doesn&#8217;t want to hug me or tell me that he loves me or snuggle in bed at night, because it would just make it harder on me. He doesn't want to hurt me anymore. It is so hard though to be in the same house, and not talk or touch. The day we both move out is going to be so hard. He said when we separate we are not going to talk or see each other- how are we suppose to be working on things then? Do you think this will hurt us or bring us back together? Does this ever work for people? Once people separate is it usually for good. I have so many unanswered questions. I feel so lost and alone. I think of the holidays coming up, and how I want to spend it with him. What do I do?

Here is the latest in my crazy life. Sorry I just have to vent. I went and saw my counselor on Wednesday, and I felt better about things when I left. She told me not to talk to my H, unless I had something positive to say. Well it is really hard. I didn't talk to him at all on Thursday (I left before he came home from work, and when I cam home he was asleep), then Friday he left for work when I was asleep then I had half a day off and was helping a friend with a party that night, once again he was asleep when I came home. He left Saturday morning to help his sister move, and he cam home when I left the house for an hour, he showered and shaved and left. He went to watch the football game with his sister and her husband and then he stayed at her house. I was so pisssed. About 4:30, since he wasn't home and friend and I went to look for him. His sister moved right around the corner, so we drove arraign their neighborhood, and I couldn't find his truck (I didn&#8217;t know where he had went- because when he came home and showered I was not there), so I drove to there old place, and his truck was not there either, but none of their cars were. They have a baby, so I knew someone had to be home. So I drove back to the new place 1 more time, and realize there was 1 road that I had missed. I drove down it and saw both of their cars, the U-hual and his truck backed down the driveway under the carport. It made me feel a little better to know he was there and he was OK. Well I got home about 5:30, and my friend left. About 7 am, I laid on the couch, so I could be sure to hear him when he cam in the door. He walked in about 9:00 am, and I was so out of it I didn't hear him for a while. Finally he made a noise and I walked down the hall and confronted him. He told me he had helped his sister all day, the watched the game, and stayed there, and that he was going to help them finish moving and he didn't know if he was coming back that night or not. I didn&#8217;t leave the house all day that Day. He finally came home and his brother in law came over too to take a shower, since their water was not cut on yet. He left, and I tried to talk to my H, he wouldn't talk to me. He said if I said another word he was leaving. I went to bed he fianlly came in there after I was asleep. (Sorry this is getting long- I have to vent). He left yesterday morning to finish helping them. He came home a couple of hours later to cut the grass, and then take the lawn mower to his sister. Need less to say he was in and out a couple of times, and his sister and her baby and the husband came over to take showers. After everyone was gone. I tried to talk to him. Once again. He flipped out. He goes back and forth from he wants tome apart to "I want a divorce". I just want to know what is going on. I can't afford a place of my own, and with him selling our house we are not going to have a "home" for either of us to come back to. I feel like by him selling it he is cutting all connections to me. He works nights all week, so he doesn't have to see me or "be aggravated" by me until Saturday morning. Then he will leave to watch the game, because he will not want to stay at the house with me. Then Sunday is our 1st anniversary. I am still devastated that we are not spending time together. How do I get through that day? Do you think that before we both move out he will let me know what is going on and what his plans are? Do I not pursue him until then, this is too hard. I am sick and this is making it worse. I just want my husband back. He wouldn't even give it a year. It hurts. I just don't even want to be around anyone married or happy. I am depressed. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I wish I had a successful story to share with you. But I still might be able to provide some direction using my own story. Similar to your story, my wife left before we had been officially married for one year. Before we got married she said it was what she wanted more than anything, and then quite suddenly decided that she was no longer happy and moved out. She says she wants a divorce, but has not filed. She knows what has to happen for a divorce, but just doesn't seem motivated to push forward. I tried initially to talk about the situation, logically go through what might be wrong, and ways we could improve it. All that did was PUSH HER FARTHER AND FARTHER AWAY. She said things to me that I couldn't believe (and have chosen not to). So, I backed off. I don't put myself in a position where she will have a negative feeling or action that may be associated with me. I try to provide for her every chance I get on an emotional level. It continues to be a major rollercoaster ride, but I see little glimmers of hope every now and then. We had a daughter before we were marriage, and at her recent birthday party, my wife and I were talking and she impulsively reached up and touched my arm. It has been so long since she showed even that level of affection. She called crying to say that she thought she had lost her cat. I talked to her about it, and suggested some things that she might do, and pointed out that he was probably sleeping in a cupboard. She called back in two hours with the most loving voice and said that the cat was in a cupboard, and that I was her comfort. She admitted that when ever she was upset I am always able to make her feel better. I refrained from saying "then why can't you see that it would be good for us to repair our marriage" as that would have been negative.

You are beginning the rollercoaster. And frankly, you are unlikely to see improvement while you are living together if he really wants to be away right now. From experience, the fears that are going on in your head, coupled with the anger that flares up sometimes, will make it difficult for you to be that person he fell in love with. As has been said in previous posts, try to work on yourself. Live somewhere where you can do that without facing him in a negative light. Find yourself again so he can find you.

My two cents.

Thanks so much for the response. How long have you been separated? Have you done anything legally yet? My husband doesn't want to file for legal separation, because it is a waste of money he says. Ii know he is probably confused about what he wants right now, and me demanding an answer is just making him say what is going to make me upset and leave the room. I have been working on my self. I am usually a strong person, but this really takes it all out of me. People tell me that I&#8217;m only 24 (25 in October) so I have the rest of my life ahead of me, and that is true- but I want my life with my husband. I want him to love me and see the changes I have been trying to make. I try to still clean the house, cook, wash his clothes, everything I do as his wife. He doesn't notice. I went and had my hair cut and highlighted on Friday, and usually he notices when I get my haircut, this time it looks totally different and he hasn't said a word. My counselor and my preacher have both told me not to leave the house. But it doesn't benefit me to stay. Do you think he will have contact with me when are living apart? Do you and your wife still talk? Is their hope for you too? Is either one of you seeing other people? Thisi s the only thing that I do not like is people on here assume he is cheating, and that is not the problem. Money and is health is. I know he wants to makes those changes for himself, and get his life back on track, but I want to be part of it too. In my state you have to be living separate and apart for a year before you can divorce, is that how it is where you live. I can't last a year like this. It is hard enough now in the same house, I can't imagine it when we are apart. Did the two of you seek counseling?
PS. that is funny about the cat because my cat left last week, and I was thinking great I'm losing my house, my husband and now my cat- but she came home yesterday- so maybe there is still hope for him too

I have been through some of these same things. I have been divorced for almost one year, but in the 11 years i was with my ex, we were separated at least 4 times. You have got to work on yourself, don't keep asking your husband these things. If it is too hard on you living there, is there somewhere you can stay?

The first thing i would do, is go out and buy Dr. Dobson's book, Love must be Tough. This is an excellent book, and it has helped me out several times. In fact, i think i have read it over and over at least 4 times. Right now, your husband does not want to listen to anything that you are saying, but boy would he be shocked if you left him alone, like you didn't care one way or another.

Reading these books that some of these posts have told you about, really helps. You can never read enough self help books, and they really do help.

We have been separated for two months, and no, there has been nothing legally done. The only time any action was taken was when I was trying to be tough and independent and commented that things needed to move forward one way or another, and she contacted a family member for advice on how to procede with the divorce. Since then, I've gone back to trying to show her that I can meet her emotional needs when given the chance, and nothing has been done. No papers, no filing, no continued discussion on the issue.

I, too, am normally a very strong personality, and have gone to pieces. I just had a talk with my boss about 15 minutes ago where he said that my last year's rating of Superior would not be given to me now based on my work over the last two months. My motivation has always been built on working to take care of my family. Now my family is falling apart and I see no point in anything, but I'm working on changing that.

I also have heard many, many suggestions that I should just let it go, start dating, move on. I don't believe in just letting go, I don't want to date anyone else, and I don't know what moving on means. I want a life with the woman I have a child with, with the woman I vowed to always provide for and be there for. I'm disgusted how easy it is for people to just let go of marriage.

I don't know if your husband will talk to you when you leave. It will be intensely hard for you initially to be ignorant as to where he is and what he is doing. It took me about a month to learn that it hurt so much to find out what she was doing that my brain finally allowed me to stop asking myself what she could be up to. I'm not seeing anyone, but she has a male friend that I think she probably spends more time with than should be considered appropriate. One thing's for certain, if he is not talking to you now, and when he does the pain is just about unbearable, you can not be worse by yourself.

Myself, I still try to do things for my wife to let her know I can be there for her when she is ready. We have a child together and essentially talk every night to say goodnight to our child. There has been an increase in what I perceive as a desire to talk to ME, though, which I probably read too much into. I won't get into it here, but there have been signals of affection that I just don't see how I'm not supposed to interpret as doubt on her part. However, I don't call her just to talk. I don't e-mail her. I do write her cards about once a week just to say hi, because she doesn't get mail and likes to. Just things to remind her that for the past four years there has only been one steady, reliable, dedicated friend and companion in her life. And maybe she doesn't want to throw that away.

Not to keep rambling, but you are in a very tortured place right now (psychologically). Find friends, stay on-line, do whatever you can to talk with the people that will help you hold it together. Eventually, you will start to get a little numb with the pain, and then you can really start improving your situation. I've spent entire nights when I couldn't sleep just surfing through this site and reading everything I could get my hands on. Look at advice, like mine, and remember you get what you pay for. But learn some patience, and trust your heart.

Good luck and sincere prayers.

(((((major hugs))))).

Please read posts on A/B. They helped me a great deal.

Will be praying.

Work on you. Do the other A things as well. They will help. But if all doesn't end up the way you want them to, go to B. I am D'ing and in B.

Been in B for over 6 months now.

I had similar situation happen to 2 girlfriends of mine. One still separated, the other divorced. But get this, divorced friend has since met a wonderful Christian man at church and taking it slow, although he wants to M her now...It is much easier starting over early than later. I know from experience. Either outcome you are a winner.

Did the no sleep, crying thing for almost 9 months. Could have wrecked my health. Found about MB probably a bit too late. Found out almost a year into H's A. Go to A/B and start workin' it girl. You can do it.