I told H this morning that I had relatively low self-esteem before he confessed the A, but now I have absolutely none.<P>Last night, I passed the OW as she was walking down the street with her little boy. I only saw her from the back, but I was struck with how young and beautiful and desirable she is (she is a MODEL--how does this middle-aged nobody compete with that?).<P>I have not "let myself go". I have always tried to look my best--one look at all the makeup, creams, and potions in my bathroom will convince you of that! I have lost about 8 pounds since I found out 6 weeks ago (the Infidelity Diet). I am about 5'4", 115 lbs., slim but not exactly "buff". Part of me wants to work to make my body look "hot", but I really don't know if that's possible. My bulimic 16-year-old has already noticed that I have been eating less, and I worry about what message I am sending to her and my 13-year-old. I like the weight I am at, but my clothes are really loose and I can't afford to buy a new wardrobe. <P>I am so jealous of HER. To give you an example, she was at the Galleria in Dallas a few weeks ago, and strange men would come up and give her their business cards! When she told my H, it made him jealous. He has NEVER been jealous of me--I asked him! While I have thought about a "revenge A", what I would really like is for him to notice someone else noticing me! <P>How do I get over feeling like my 38-year-old self will never be as attractive to H, or anyone else, as the OW? (I have talked to H. He has never been very "generous" about bestowing compliments--that is just his nature. He's just like his dad in that regard. I feel bad for "requiring" this kind of affirmation.)

Hi, Erika, welcome to the low self-esteem club. And the Comparing Self to OW branch. And the Infidelity Diet club. <P>"Part of me wants to work to make my body look "hot", but I really don't know if that's possible."<P>Suggestion: is there a sport that isn't too expensive, an activity that you enjoy? You mentioned the Galleria in Dallas. Do they have an ice rink there? Ice skating is good for the thighs. I know it's too hot to walk outside right now in Texas, but do you swim? Are there any free or cheap pools in your area? Are you a member of the Y? Even if you don't tone up right away, the endorphins released will make the world look brighter to you. Toning up will make your clothes drape nicer on your frame.<P>Are you feeling depressed as well? Exercising and forcing yourself to do it is hard, but the rewards as far as your mood are immediate. I walk the legs off of our little dog when I'm feeling terrible. <BR>"He has NEVER been jealous of me--I asked him!" Same here. <P>as far as a "revenge affair", it would hurt you more than it would hurt him.<P><BR>"How do I get over feeling like my 38-year-old self will never be as attractive to H, or anyone else, as the OW?"<P>Gosh, I have no answer to that one. Struggling with it myself. <P>Have you read the Plan A stuff? Lurk around the boards. Lots of wise people post here, I've learned a lot from them.<P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Erika,<P>Your situation would be my worst nightmare!!! It's sooo unfair for you to have to compete!<P>I am also suffering from self-esteem problems, but mine is because of my husband's addiction to pornography (now hopefully under control). I am now almost 44 years old. For years I have had to compete with these models, but never in real life. (A couple of one-nighters, but at least they weren't drop-dead gorgeous). <P>I tried for several years to be beautiful for my husband, and rarely did he even notice (just all the other guys did). While I do know that the admiration from other guys did help to build my self-esteem, I now know that it was the wrong way to do it. It wasn't their attention I craved, it was HIS! Therefore, it didn't really help<BR>that much.<P>My husband has since told me that the attention from other men DID bother him, but like your husband, he was never one to really express his inner feelings or to give very many compliments. Is he going thru a mid-life crisis? How old is this OW? How involved is he with her?<P>I feel extremely badly for you. I hope you don't turn out like me. I've learned to base too much of my self worth around looks and beauty rather than the "real" beauty that is inside.<P>I honestly don't know what to tell you to do, but there are alot of others here on this forum who have WONDERFUL advice. I don't think you will get too much of a response from posting in the "Other Topics" area. I've noticed that most people review the "General Questions" and perhaps "Emotional Needs" areas most. I feel you need support very, very badly, and I hope that you will duplicate this post in one or both of those areas. <P>I would be MORE THAN HAPPY to talk to you if you want to email me privately. My address is dke11y@earthlink.net. (NOTE: Those are one's and not L's in my address.<P>Take care and know that you're BEAUTIFUL!<BR>Binkie

Thanks, Belle! I don't know details of your situation, but you have given me some good advice and comfort the last couple of weeks! Thanks for sharing.

Thanks to you, Binkie! I'm never really sure where my "topics" belong. Is there any way I can "move" this, say to EN?<P>By the way, OW is 23 or 24; H turned 40 just before A began (mid-life crisis?). He ended their relationship immediately after he told me. She has continued to work at the family business (no one else knows), but--PTL!!!--Saturday will be her last day!<P>[This message has been edited by Erika (edited July 26, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Erika (edited July 26, 2000).]

Erika,<P>Please do not take this as criticism. I am only offering my opinion based on my perception of what you have written. I just have to respond to your post about looking more attractive to your husband. <P>I just graduated from Law School at 35, and for the past three years have been bombarded with the sight of cute 18-22 year old girls. Of course, they are attractive, but when my wife pays attention to her appearance, by fixing her hair, taking time with makeup and wearing flattering clothing, the young girls do not come close. But the most important factor is how my wife reacts to me. If when I get home, she is looking beautiful, smiles at me, hugs me, and just quietly is there with me through my transition from work/school to home, then I have no temptation to even talk to another woman. But if when I get home, she greets me at the door in her "bathroom cleaning clothes," obviously has not taken a shower or done anything with her hair, has not a hint of makeup on, and begins to bombard me with a list of all the things she was forced to do (such as go to the grocery store and do housework), how horrible they are, and also has a list of 26 things she wants me to do before bedtime, the 18-22 year old girls are a much greater temptation. <P>The interesting thing is, if she greets me in the positive manner and gives me about 20-30 minutes of transition time, I then have no problem at all listening to the challenges of her day, empathizing with her, and, if she asks, trying to find solutions. I also do not resent the list of tasks she has for me after such a greeting. I am not saying that you have done this, but it may be a possibility. <P>As to your appearance, you probably compare more favorably with the OW than you think. Most women are much more attractive than they believe. If she was so attractive, I doubt if she would have felt the need to develop a relationship with a married man. You probably could benefit from more exercise, so it is probably worth a try. You probably do not need to lose any more weight, but some resistance training (weightlifting) could probably give you the results you are looking for. Unless you are a rare exception, at 5'5" and 115, you have enormous potential for becoming "hot". If you are concerned about your daughter, start to take her with you to work out and eat healthily. Strenuous regular exercise does wonders for one's appetite, and may get her mind off of herself to counter the factors contributing to her bulimia. <P>But remember, that the most attractive factor a woman has is that she reinforces those qualities that a man has that he himself believes are positive. Figure out what your husband really likes about himself, and reinforce that. In this way, you will probably find yourself becoming more and more attractive to him. <P>I greatly admire you for trying to stick this out and remain with your H.<P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,<BR>John

Thank you, John. I appreciate your comments. During the A, H had been leaving for work early (he was REALLY going to work!), while I still had morning breath, a towel on my head, and no makeup. I told him that I understood how, with that as the last picture of me to carry him through the day, he would be attracted to her. Also, I am a CPA and the A took place during "tax season", when I was quite naturally preoccupied with work.

John you did a beautiful job in responding! I wanted to add that in speaking with men in their 40's and 50's they agree with what you said. They find a woman more their own age that is kept my much more sensual and beautiful compared to the young "girls".