Thanks LostAgain and Not Peachy for the replies

Lost Again: Why did you decide to separate? Did you discuss working things out or did she just want a divorce? Do you discuss it now? How do you know what is going on? How do you deal with not knowing? Did you ever go to counseling together? Sorry I am just full of questions and I guess hearing other people's responses helps me make it through the day- until I get home that is. Should O just not say a word to him while we still live together? This morning when he came in from work I had him breakfast cooked, and I was in the back of the house getting ready. I always make sure I tell him I love him when I leave, but it hurts to never get a response back. Any suggestions from any one on how to get through Sunday (our anniversary), in the same house with him but not able to spend it together. Do I still buy him a gift or card. I have a card already. i wonder if he will even read it. I know we will probably get cards from family members, since no one knows what is going on besides my parents and sister, and his mom and sister. My grandparents, aunts, etc. have no clue. Man this stuff is hard. Each day it gets harder and harder instead of easier. AHHHHHHHHHHH!! Please let me get through this day

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why did you decide to separate? Did you discuss working things out or did she just want a divorce? Do you discuss it now? Did you ever go to counseling together? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"We" didn't decide to separate. She did. I thought we were going to try to work things out, but before our/her initial meeting with the counselor, she moved out. We had decided that given her state of mind, it might be better for her to meet with the counselor by herself first. Then we met together at the second visit, where she detailed her feelings of "not being IN love", not being happy, not feeling like the person she had been with me for the past four years was really her, never felt that she had a chance to be independent ... And I just sat there while the arrows pierced me.
No, we don't discuss it now. If asked now, she'd say she wants a divorce, despite the fact that she seems to want to talk to me everyday about her day, my day, whatever. So, rather than push her right now, I'm trying to be patient.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How do you know what is going on? How do you deal with not knowing? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know what is going on. I deal with it very poorly. I wake up at night, a struggle to focus on my work, I don't eat very much. I also realize that she can't know this. Who wants to go back to that? I try very hard when we talk to be the man I used to be; strong, funny, and focused.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Sorry I am just full of questions and I guess hearing other people's responses helps me make it through the day- until I get home that is. Should I just not say a word to him while we still live together? This morning when he came in from work I had him breakfast cooked, and I was in the back of the house getting ready. I always make sure I tell him I love him when I leave, but it hurts to never get a response back. Any suggestions from any one on how to get through Sunday (our anniversary), in the same house with him but not able to spend it together. Do I still buy him a gift or card. I have a card already. i wonder if he will even read it. I know we will probably get cards from family members, since no one knows what is going on besides my parents and sister, and his mom and sister. My grandparents, aunts, etc. have no clue. Man this stuff is hard. Each day it gets harder and harder instead of easier. AHHHHHHHHHHH!! Please let me get through this day
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Be careful how much pain you put yourself through. If he does come back to you, you may find you are very resentful as that pain comes back to you. Think about why you say "I love you", is it to hear it back, or to remind him that it is true. Try not to fish for responses. If you are not going to get a response when talking, consider not talking. Just say "hi", and let it go at that. Ask him how is day was if you feel like it, but if he doesn't want to talk, just say "ok, if you feel like it, let me know", and try your best to go about your life like it doesn't matter. The anniversary thing is hard. My first is also coming up, and every day gets harder. I too have a special card, and intend to send it. Not to plead with her, but to remind her of the things I hold/held dear about us that made me want to get married. I'm not fishing, just reasurring her that I don't believe we should be apart.

Lastly, I wanted to reiterate that you need to protect your heart. If making him meals, and trying to be there for him and getting no response becomes too painful, pull back a little. Let him fend for himself. I've had to do this a couple of times. My wife seems to continue to want me to emotionally support her, while she goes out partying with her friends all the time. I would suggest that you ask him very calmly, and NOT emotionally, if he felt that being together on your anniversary might be too uncomfortable. If he says yes, or gets irritable, calmly say, no problem, I'll go to so-n-so's house for the day. And let it drop.

I know all too well (as well as many other people here) how hard it is to get through the day. I'm told it will get easier, and I guess we'll both just have to see.

Again, my two cents. That and a few bucks might get you a decent cup of coffee...

Thanks LostAgain for all of the replies. I guess I like getting a man's perspective an opinion. I am sorry for what you are going through. I&#8217;m sorry for the hurt and pain that your wife has caused you. It is good that she is still letting you be in her life though. I commend you for being patient and not pushing her. I wish I could do that. I am trying so hard to be patient, but I t is hard. If all of this wasn't going on with the house, I think I could handle it better, but knowing that we have no choice but to move to separate residences is the hard thing. I do not know where to go. I can move to my parents, but I do not want too. I have nothing to get my own place. The refrigerators, washer, dryer, bedroom furniture, couch and recliner, etc is his. The only thing of mine is the kitchen table, and a couple of other small things in the house. We still have so many wedding presents sitting around in box's that have not ever been used. Our fine china and crystal, have never been touched. To top all of this off. My aunt died yesterday. I tried to call and leave him messages, but he wouldn't pick up the phone or call me back. My family wants him to be a pallbearer at the funeral. None of my family has a clue what is going on except my parents and my sister's family. I asked him to come, and he was really mean at first, and finally agreed. He said he is not doing this for me though, he is doing it for my aunt. It is going to be hard to fake like I am happy with him and vice versa. I know he won't hold my hand or comfort me- which is going to make him look bad. Heck he hasn&#8217;t touched me in months. We have not even been intimate since a couple weeks after we got married, which is a year Sunday. This is a great way to spend our anniversary, everyone is going to be asking what we are planning on doing. What fun. I swear my life keeps getting worse and worse. Things are getting finalized on the house in the next few weeks, and then boom- I&#8217;m gone. I can not hold it together much longer. I look at my aunt who died, and her husband. I don't think he really ever appreciated her and he took her for granted, and when she started getting sick (she was young- 50), he started realizing how much he depended on her and how much he loved her. I try to compare that to my marriage, and tell my husband that life is to short to act like this. Life is a precious thing. We need to life each day to the fullest and not sweat the small stuff. Well he yelled at me for telling him that. That is the story of my life. I hate that my computer at home is broke, because I don't know how I can get through the weekend with out this website. I guess on Tuesday I will have to do updates. Everyone please keep me in your thoughts and prayers this weekend. I hope I have the strength to be strong for the rest of the family under the circumstances of what I am dealing with too. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Ok- I have a lot to update y'all on. First of all this weekend was really tough with my aunt passing away, and I didn't want to deal with my husband anymore than I had to. Friday night he worked, so that was fine. I kept occupied with my family, Saturday morning he came in from work and we didn't talk. I left to baby-sit, and when I came back he was gone. He came in about an hour later to watch the football game. I stayed in the same room, but we didn't talk. After it was over he got a shower and got ready to go to friends to watch another football game. Of course I was not invited and I was upset when he left. He came home between 3-6 am, and stayed on the couch. Sunday (our anniversary) he slept until about 2:00, then his sister and her family came over to get their lawnmower. I talked to them and was extremely nice to them. They left and he went with them. I told him that we had to be at the funeral home by 5:30, and he said, "I'll get there when I get there". He bit my head of and left. I was already upset enough that it was our anniversary and he wouldn't speak to me or acknowledge it.He wouldn't even read the card I left on the table. He came back and we got ready to go. I was still getting ready and he was on the front porch talking on the phone to his mom and I heard him say, "when I get there and people ask me how I have been doing I am going to say I'll better off when I get away from the *****". I was sooo mad. He came in and I got my stuff, and cranked up my car and backed down the driveway. I came back and he said, "what's your problem", I said this B---- is leaving. I said I heard what you said to your mom, and he said I wasn&#8217;t talking about you. Whatever. Then he started yelling F-- Y_- to me. I started crying and we got in the car. I cried the whole way to the funeral home. I said - it's pretty sad that we can't go to the funeral home with out arguing, and to top it of it is our anniversary. We got there and we were not around each other at all for the next 3 hours. Everyone was saying Happy Anniversary, and wanted to know how the newlyweds were doing. I faked it very well ALL WEEKEND LONG!!I was lucky if he was close by. He talked to my daddy some about football, and one of my cousins. When we were leaving I asked him if he wanted something to eat or to go out to eat. And he said just go this way. I tried speaking to him some, and we talked a little about nothing really. I went to the ATM and got money and picked him something up to eat. I talked about wanting to keep the house and working things out. He said I don&#8217;t know if we can afford to keep paying this much a month. He at least said WE. I was shocked. I keep stressing the fact that it was our anniversary. We came in and talked a little, and then I went to bed. The next morning, I got up and cooked him breakfast and then we took showers and started getting ready. I asked if I could take him out for our anniversary, and he said "not tonight- that man is coming to look at the house". I got upset then. He said- just because he is coming doesn't mean we have to sell it. Well we left to go to the church for the funeral. We talked outside and things seemed normal. At the funeral I grabbed his hand during a prayer, and he didn't jerk away. We left there and went to the gravesite and sat together. After that my dad asked if we were going to my grandma's and he said yes. We went home and changed and he was on the porch waiting for me before I even started changing clothes. I was shocked that he didn't put up a fight about going. We went there, and had a good time, and once again things were normal with us. We talked and got along fine. The man called about the house on his cell phone and he said that we needed to leave. I looked at him and walked away, he called me back and said, " he is just coming- I can't cancel it now- it doesn't mean we have to do anything". We left and the man came and asked when we could be out and -he said the end of the month. The man asked where we were going got live, and my H, said we have options. Knowing we haven't talked about anything except separating. The man talked about how happy we seemed to be. yeah right. He left and we really didn't talk, but things were calm. Some conversation. Tuesday things were Ok. Some conversation. Things seemed to be basically normal- no touching or anything. I heard him on the phone with his mom and he mumbled that "I think we are going to be OK" I heard him say it though. Last night though he was crazy. He wasn&#8217;t here when I got home. I had cooked and it was waiting on him. He came in about 7:00 and ate and listened to the radio about sports. After that he showered and started looking at the sports section of the paper. I said when you get done can we talk. He started up again. I have nothing to talk to you about. I have to the end of the month to decide what I am going to do about the house, and I will let you know what I decide. If I need you to leave I will let you know. He proceeded to tell me that he is unhappy with me and stressed out. I haven't even talked to him hardly in the past month, He has had his space, He even admitted the other night that I am doing everything right now- but I had to push him to this point, now change. He just yells leave me alone. Ahhh- I am so confused. I cry he gets mad. Same ol story. Yesterday was a day that most people were appreciating their families, and I was getting put down by mine. I am sorry this post was so long- but I feel better when I vent. This morning I spoke to him when I was leaving for work, and asked him what he was going to tell the man, and he said he would let me know. I tried to show him a budget I made and he wouldn't look at it. He said he doesn&#8217;t know if he wants to keep the house or stay with me. What do I do? Do I back off? Do you think he is coming around? Do you think that he doesn&#8217;t want me to know that he is considering staying? Is he confused? Things had gone so good since Monday, then BAM. I thought everything was going to be OK. WE take 2 steps forward then 1 step back.

Is anyone out there to talk to? I need some help and some opinions on the latest going on. I need help getting through each day and a little bit of hope that my marriage can still last.

I have read all of your posts and all of the replys and it is amazing the simularities in my situation. Of course there are differences as well. My wife of 7 years left me 5 weeks ago. She said she no longer loves me and can not be with me any more. We have been togather for 15 years all togather and she is the only woman I have ever loved...or will love. I am fighting so hard for her but she continues to pull away. I wish I could tell you how to handle this but I have no idea as I am seeking the same advice as you. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through and I cry every day. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone;this happens to people every day. Please take care of yourself and keep posting.

John

LShip,

I suspect you know the answer to some of your questions, but it is not the answer you want to hear. When you are ready to do something for yourself, you may start actually working toward the marriage. Don't be offended, this is the pot calling the kettle black. I continue to do things for my wife, while she does absolutely nothing for me. My situation is a little different, but I assure you no less painful. Every day is a struggle. She still treats me like her best friend. She calls frequently wanting to tell me how her day was, or what she is thinking about. Even calls the neighbors to see if I'm there sometimes. She has even reached out to touch my arm or looked at me affectionally a few times. However, she doesn't do anything to help me, still indicates that she is too happy playing with her friends to even consider being married to me, and it has been a long time since she asked me about anything in my life.

You must get yourself to a point where you can focus on yourself. That doesn't mean being rude or angry to your husband. I'm not exactly the person I used to be, and not a person my wife would be interested in returning to right now. Do you ever feel that way? If so, like me, you need to get yourself to a point and environment where you can gain some perspective on yourself and maybe, MAYBE, you will find that he comes looking for you.

By the way, I've been tearing myself up so bad inside that I fell asleep on the road and totalled a brand new truck... Don't let yourself get to this point.

-David
ozarkyn@redwoodfolk.com