This is a sequel to Retained an Attorney.

I carefully drafted a letter telling my H that I'd taken 1/2 of some of our money out of the bank anticipating needing something to live on, and also money out of our checking account to pay my atty. I'm only named as signator on ONE of his bank accounts, and on atty's advice took only 1/2 of money from savings.

I phoned him on his car phone, told him I left you something in glove box. What is it? he asked. I said Read it when you get to the office. Why, what did you write? Again, I said Read it when you get to the office.

In the letter I apologized for 2 incidents that he cited as why he never felt I loved him, he told me about them in therapy. I said I would do one of those over (The time he went to the emergency room on Xmas day and thought he was dying) (In my defense, he never told me at the time or until we were in therapy, and our son was 4 yrs old at the time so I stayed with him; his brother who is a doctor and his father were taking him and I felt I would be in the way.) They never found out what was wrong with him, why he was so sick.

I also said that his "friendship" with the OW left me out of his inner life.

I said please let's talk about how we can do this divorce with the least disruption to our son's life; let's talk about whether you will accept service by mail so you won't be embarressed by service at work or at home.

He called me and I picked up the message later that morning. Said he wanted to come home & talk while our S was out of the house. I waited for him.

I made green tea and we sat down and he proceeded to plead with me to consider what a divorce would do to our S (who has been diagnosed with Asperger's - Shadow type) and who is very sensitive and doesn't like any kind of changes in his routine.

He went into financial changes, diminished resources, his being here every night to go over the kid's homework (especially the math because basically I was over my head when he brought home his first grade math papers)

He went into the effects of my mother's 2 divorces on me. He begged me to talk to his mother (whose wisdom and compassion I trust) to get her insight. Do research & reading, talk to the mother of one of our S's friends (a kid who has a lot of emotional problems after his parents' divorce)

I refused to let his mother know or talk to her because she is in frail state of health and takes all the blame for anything that goes wrong on her shoulders. She also suffers from horrible migraines that lay her out for days at a time, nauseus, has to take injections. If I put this burden on her, and ultimately go ahead with the divorce, she might feel she had failed. She has had a heart valve replacement, I would not want to do ANYTHING to stress her. I believe she could handle things better if she was told of the decision after it was made, rather than think she could have affected the outcome.

We chewed the topic over and over and I said I chose this time because it would be least disruptive for S. He could adjust before starting his last year at this school, he hasn't gotten into puberty yet. Everything else stays the same and you (H) move out.

More back & forth. Pleading to have me re-think my decision. I tell him I thought about it for 4 years, am sure it is the right one.

Finally I give in, tell him I will wait 30 days, check books out of library, but NOT talk to his mom or my friend (mother of the boy with behavior problems) because I don't trust her discretion. She repeats everything she hears, like an 8 track tape, though I love her dearly I'd never confide in her.

I told him "And will you do Emotional Infidelity research?" And he answered "Okay"

Now, September 7 is the deadline. I haven't seen him with any books on the subject, he hasn't asked me about the MB site, he hasn't asked me for anything I've read on the subject.

I believe that like other times in the past, he made a promise and "forgot" it.

I have taken books from the library about effects of divorce on children and am reading them discretely. (Like I don't already know this stuff, after my nightmare childhood.)

He has made some changes. He looks me in the eye when he talks to me, initiates conversations at the dinner table, his irises have changed color, his pupils are larger. Sounds like I'm nuts, right? But Mr. Stone Face is so hard to read that I've become expert at noticing tiny things.

He has told me about 2 invitations to parties (remember the parties he refused to bring me to?)

He suggested family activities for us (bowling, movies)

He greets me when he comes in the door. Still hasn't touched me, even my hand, but he acted as much as possible like I was not even there, that a greeting is monumental.

Now, we will see if he remembers his agreement to look at Emotional Infidelity, because of his history of breaking/forgetting promises, I'm not hopeful.

I may be one of the small percentage of mothers whose child would do better if we were divorced. I don't know.

<small>[ August 23, 2002, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</small>

Belle,

If you are serious about divorce and serious about him making changes, then I would tell him that he better follow the 4 steps to recovery and do counseling with Steve Harley. I would settle for nothing less. Tell him EXACTLY what you want - give him the EN questionaires and LB questionaires filled out by you and get going!

This is when to strike, while the iron is hot - otherwise you've got him all hot and bothered for nothing. And you're wasting your time.

And I'd spend this month preparing for the divorce if you think he's not sincere - but only after you specifically make him accountable for his half of the marriage.

Good luck. K

God is in Control, my friend:

"If you are serious about divorce and serious about him making changes, then I would tell him that he better follow the 4 steps to recovery and do counseling with Steve Harley. I would settle for nothing less. Tell him EXACTLY what you want - give him the EN questionaires and LB questionaires filled out by you and get going!"

HMMMMM. He already knows about MB. He's seen me reading and typing on the boards. I gave him the HNHN tape about 2 yrs ago; he indicated that it wasn't helpful.

I believe in the MB principles and have seen successes here. I followed an imperfect Plan A. Taken counsel from wise posters, posted to people in pain as part of my own healing.

What I anticipate like I posted is that he'll conveniently forget his agreement to look at emotional affairs. I'm not going to bring up our talk or what he agreed to. He's being tested. He has to remember his agreement and do what he said he would Without me reminding him.

"This is when to strike, while the iron is hot - otherwise you've got him all hot and bothered for nothing. And you're wasting your time."

That's one way of looking at it, but it's always been me nagging at him, since D-day and before when I was hurt by his "friendship" I can't be his mommy, his secretary, his reminder and nag.

"And I'd spend this month preparing for the divorce if you think he's not sincere - but only after you specifically make him accountable for his half of the marriage."

That's already done. The paperwork, the papers are filed with the court and my atty is holding them until she hears from me. Emotionally, I don't think you are ever prepared.

How are you holding up? It must be so hard for you. I think your ex is nuts. (Or am I thinking about my mate?) How is it going, keeping track of ex's loony behaviors? Are the locks changed on your doors? Alarm codes changed?

Belle,

You sound ready, prepared -- sane. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Don't forget to prepare financially for divorce too - have money stashed. I'm not kidding. There are ways - buying gift cards are one of them.

Just want to make sure you're protected.

Is there any way to protect the kids? I'm sure you've got all the books. Bottom line is that the kids like structure and stability.

Hopefully your ExH will be aminable to whatever is in their best interest.

As far as my life is going. I'm learning more and more how utterly childish ExH is. And Selfish and stubborn. I think even the "Joint Custody With A A Jerk" book doesn't even have an answer about how to deal with him.

ANd he's going to leave the kids a terrible legacy - or let me rephrase, if I wasn't in the picture, he'd be leaving the kids a terrible legacy.

I'll be there to guide the lives of the kids, to wipe their tears when ExH rejects them, to listen to their fears, when ExH scares them. Not the life I waould have chosen for them, but maybe this will help turn them into better people.

Locks changed, new attorney, not taking any C$$P from ExH anymore.

Just now trying to figure out how to live with him as a co-parent, and hopefully that will change through the courts too.

I have to say you're being really nice giving your H a deadline. Doesn't sound like it's worign though. I wish that he would get a clue and really understand what he's throwing away. Perhaps maybe he can't understand. There is definitely a wire crossed or a screw loose in some of these people.

May God give you strength. K

God is in Control:

"You sound ready, prepared -- sane. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> "

Thanks. That's how I'm feeling.

"Don't forget to prepare financially for divorce too - have money stashed. I'm not kidding. There are ways - buying gift cards are one of them."

Thanks for the gift cards suggestion. I will follow up on that. I have cash stashed in a safe place, as well as renting a post office box. I have done the things I've advised other women with unfaithful husbands to do.

I can only hope that he does take advantage of the "grace period" I gave him. I think I was extremely generous.

I also hope that your ex will wake up and see what he's done before he gets the new wife pregnant and REALLY ruins more lives. Bad enough what your kids will endure. What ever possessed him?

Good girl, you got the locks changed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />