On Friday my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. This all started in May when my husband of five years told me that he didn't love me anymore and was very unhappy with our marriage. I have since gone to counseling but he refused to go. We have a one year old son and I wanted to make this marriage work. I have found out from my Counselor that he has been verbally abusing me. I filed today, even though I didn't know if he filed or not. My Attorney told me that I should file for my baby's protection. She felt if we filed right away, they could prevent my husband from closing our accounts and from taking the baby away from me. My MIL and my husband both feel that I am a bad mother and tell me every chance that they get.

I could use any advice! I don't know what to expect and I'm very scared!

Thanks!

BABYTOLUV,

Welcome to this board, but sorry for the reason.
Others could tell you more what to expect, I am just getting started in this process. Some have recommended to me websites that offer lots of info and specific info on the state where you live.

Now, ((((((((((((((babytoluv)))))))))))))))))))

I know it hurts and it's not easy to go through. The only thing that saves me is my faith in God that HE will get me through this.

Just wanted to let you know that someone was here on this board and keep posting.

God Bless,

D.

babytoluv,

Welcome and I am so sorry you have to be here. I know you are scared, I am too.

Sorry, but I do not have much advice for you. You are on the right track by getting an atty to protect yourself and your child. As for the bank accts. start closing what you can and close all credit cards that he may have access to. Open up your own checking acct and start to filter money into that from the joint acct.

I know how you feel about the bad mother part. Both my in-laws and H will say that I am a bad mother because the kids have a spot on their cloths, the house is not clean enough, etc. etc. It gets to the point that you start to believe it.

I wish I could offer more but I am new to this too. Hang in there and keep posting.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sure you feel as though you have been hit by a bus. Eventually it does get better but you can't believe that right now.

As for advice:
1. Document everything.
2. Copy anything you can get your hands on - credit card statements, financial records, phone bills, etc. Get whatever information you can from your husband's files in the computer. The more your know, the better off you are.
3. Ask your attorney if you need to hire a private investigator.
4. Expect your husband to turn against you completely and to do things you never would have believed. He has turned into an alien and you cannot trust him any more.
5. Continue counseling and accept as much support from your family and friends as you can.
6. Take care of yourself and your baby.

Hi Baby,

Thought I'd pop over to see how you are doing. I see you have gotten some great responses.

I will check in on you from time to time. I know you have been through a very rough time.

I won't have much to offer in the area of divorce, but I can offer moral support. So hang in there and you are stronger than you think you are.

I'm getting worried now. My MIL is trying to build a case against me of being an unfit mother. She tells my mother everything that I do. For example, she told my mother that I woke my husband at 5 am one morning because I reached a boiling point with the baby. The story was that the baby was up all night teething and I was mentally and physically exhausted and wanted my husband's help. Now my mother is worried that I will not be able to take care of the baby once we are divorced because I will have to take care of him all by myself and wants me to move in with her.

What do I do?

Thanks!

Have you discussed this with a lawyer? What would be the worst that could happen if you left?

It sounds like your MIL and hubby will do anything to take you baby away. I don't think you have anything to worry about but your own actions. But I do think that with a baby possession is 9/10th of the law. Meaning, if he is with you already and you have left, they would probably be less likely to take him away. You would already be demonstrating how you are capable and can care for him by doing it.

Yes, your husband is verbally abusive. I think he will be shocked as hell that you filed.

Ilana,

So sorry to hear of the new events!! Hugs Friend!!

I am starting school today, so I don't think I'll get a chance to get on the boards as much as I would like to. So, please keep in touch.... email is emt_jab1@hotmail.com

Hang in there. The MIL can build a case all she wants, but the courts will ALWAYS try to lean toward the natural parent. Pretty much, a mother (or father) has to be institutionalized (voluntarily or involuntarily) before they would consider giving her the baby. She's just trying to continue to exert her control.

Sue is right, talk to the attorney as soon as you can.

Look at it this way, at least now you know....you know what is coming, what to work on and what not work on now that you've filed. Be sure to work on yourself. You need it after what you have been through. Take time for yourself. Reward yourself for little steps that you make in getting your self-esteem back. Remember that there is NOTHING wrong with you....you are a GREAT person and you have done everything that you could for your marriage and your H. If he can't see that, then it's his problem not yours.

Stay safe!

Jab (Julie)

Hi Baby,

Waking your H at 5am to take care of the baby so you could get a break is not a weak trait. It showes maturity and knowing that you were exhauted and were near you limit and that you needed help. Baby don't teeth all their life. So now that he is past the teething stage, you only have to worry about the occassional earache to keep you up.

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH MIL. I do not know your state laws, but I know I inquired into grandparents rights after my MIL had it out. I had resided in her residence. Even thougth I took care of the kids, we had a borderline case of whether or not she could take me to court for visitation. (At this time, I was not allowing her to see her grandchildren because she was undermining me every step of the way. She would not let me be their mother.) I don't want to see this happen with you. Can you afford a babysitter to help out sometimes? Where will H live? Who is keeping the current residence? Who is moving?

Doe he work? ( recall from you other post he is a student)

I would rather die than live with my MIL. My mother wants me and the baby to live with her. My MIL is building a house for my husband (I was supposed to be living in it with him but after all of this happened, that went down the drain)and he will probably live there. I would like to stay in the house I live in now. The mortgage payments are at an amount that I can afford with my salary. He is not working. His mother gives us money every week to live on because my husband does not work and I am the breadwinner.

Must be rough, Mom is building a house for son. (I suppose we could do without my sarcasm) I'm sorry, but, why does he not wait until he is done with school and learn to support himself before he buys a new house.. He should get a job and support himself, not mom. I understand he is in school. My H, while he was in school worked full time, when the work was available. There were times he did not work. He is an electrician. He worked as an electrician's helper. He was probably out of work a total of 3 months during his time in school. We had our first child while he was in his last year of school. I guess, I don't feel school is a good enough excuse to not work. He could work parttime.

So, if you can afford to keep current residence, why does MIL think you should move in with her? My thoughts are so she can try to keep control over the baby. She is afraid she will lose the baby.

Just a precaution, when baby starts to walk and falls, document bruises. (I get the feeling your MIL will try to use those to prove you unfit)

Decide you living arrangements based upon what is best for you and J. Whether it is staying in current home, or moving to your mom's.

<small>[ August 26, 2002, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

I think if you can afford to stay and he doesn't contribute, he should leave.

His mother is an enabler. She is a big reason is her son's dysfunction. She can look to her mirror for why the baby has to grow up in a broken home.

I wonder though, how difficult it will be for you to establish boundaries, for visitation, calling before coming and knocking if you stay at your former marital residence?

You seem very vulnerable and prone to letting them undermine your confidence. You have to stop internalizing their opinions and lean to your own opinions about yourself, your mothering, and the marriage.

Hey Baby,

If it was me, I would move back in with my mother. Three reasons:

1. She is gonna be your support network....you will need help, you will need family and friends and that may be more accessible there, at least for a short time.

2. It will be MUCH harder for MIL to interfere in your life if your mother is close by. She probably knows this and does not want you to move back to mom's....just like she sticks up for and protects her son, your mother will do the same for you and can act as a buffer from your MIL.

3. You can get ahead financially, even if it's only for a couple of months, it will help you get things figured out. Divorces are not cheap, and with what I see coming in the custody arena, the more money you can stash away, the better.

Take care Baby.....my thoughts are with you!

Julie

I met with my Counselor yesterday and she was happy for me that I filed. She felt that my H was going to ask me for a Divorce and was happy that I took the first step. Now I'm scared. I am having them serve the papers to the house because my husband does not work. He goes to school but I don't know where his classes are. Is it wise for me to be here when the papers are served to him?

I'm sorry you didn't get a reply before he was served. (I'm assuming he was served by now). How did it goe?

Sue, he wasn't served yet. The Attorney says it takes time. She faxed me the paperwork and I have to read it and sign it and get it back to her because he is served. My parents are going on vacation until September 8th and my mother feels that I should wait to serve him until she gets back in case I need her support. I agree.

I agree. It will also give you some time to get advise from some of the MB'ers who have gone through what you are going through. I keep looking in you you because I care. I don't have much to offer in the way of divorce advice. I can offer moral support to you.