I have not posted over here on this forum before and it has been a while since I have posted at all. I am in plan b and it has been over five months since I have had any contact with my WH. I have been talking to Steve Harley since a few weeks after D-day and I initied D papers after Steve and I decided it was the only choice I had left. My WH seems content to live with the OW (and another roomate) and remain married.

Steve did tell me to send WH a card after he was served to tell him that I still loved him and did not want to end the marriage, but that it was time for me to move forward with my life.

I am supposed to send a draft to Steve, but I have no idea what to say. I do not want my WH to see this as a threat, because this is no threat, the D is very real. I am not doing this to get him to come back. I am doing this because I can not continue to wait for someone who may never return. I just want him to realize that although this was never what I wanted, I am not willing to wait any longer. I feel that if he is the one that wanted out of the marriage and to go on with someone else that he should have been the one to end the marriage.

Can anyone help me some suggestions as to what to say in the card?

Thanks
Sinking

SinkingFast,

You may want to just start writing using the words you gave in your post, just make it a letter.
I still loved him and did not want to end the marriage, but that it was time for me to move forward with my life.

I am doing this because I can not continue to wait for someone who may never return. I just want him to realize that although this was never what I wanted, I am not willing to wait any longer.

I'm tired right now, but here is my input -

I love you very much but this is hurting me way more than you can imagine.

I want this marriage but cant be part of a 3 some
or cant be with you while you are seeing another.

---------------------------------------------

That's pretty interesting that Steve told you to do that - He really is amazing. It makes sense to send the card, but it's not something that I would have thought of.

There are letter in Love must be tough by Dr Dobson. Also I wonder if you did a search if you would find any examples. ?

God Bless,

D.

D -

Thank you so much for your reply. You give some very good suggestions and yes Steve is amazing. I remember the letter in Love Must be Tough. I am going to have to go dig that book out and look at the letter again.

I am having a very tough time with my decision to file. I know that I can not go on like this forever, but I was brought up believing that marriage is very important and it is God's will for one man and one woman to stay together for life. I know that I am not the one that walked out on the marriage, but by WH's actions I am forced to be the one to end it.

My mind tells me that I am doing the right thing because he has shown no attempt to make things right, but my heart keeps saying what if he just needs more time. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done.

Thanks for the advise and thanks for listening.
Sinking

SF,

I am having a very tough time with my decision to file. I know that I can not go on like this forever, but I was brought up believing that marriage is very important and it is God's will for one man and one woman to stay together for life. I know that I am not the one that walked out on the marriage, but by WH's actions I am forced to be the one to end it.

I can relate to what you are going through as I am having a hard time with this same exact thing right now.

My mind tells me that I am doing the right thing because he has shown no attempt to make things right, but my heart keeps saying what if he just needs more time. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done.

It is very hard to let go of someone you love very much. I think the letter is a good idea, it leaves the door open just a crack, and sometimes that all that is needed. I've also seen on these boards where the WS doesn't come back till the BS has move on. I wish I had bought the book by John Gray " Mars and venus dating again" or something like that. It told of the stages of relationships and it described a situation in marriage where some of the same things happen. That in separation, you actually go back down to previous step.

There is just so much DV out there and I beleive most don't try to work it out. Many never find out about MB or other such sites, books, ....
But I am thinking more like Dobson these days, to let him go - what WH is doing is unacceptable behavior and I don't have to accept it. God also disciplines when needed. He doesn't just let us go on and on. There are consequences to wrong actions.

God Bless,

D.

SinkingFast-

I was also going to suggest the Dobson, Love Must Be Tough letter, with the tone nice, but firm.

Remember it's something that he'll hopefully keep until later and read as he gets out of the fog.

It's tough to be friends during the divorce process, but it you can stay civil then you at least have a chance later on of getting back together.

It's tough to watch the WH make the wrong decisions, but at some point, you have to decide if you are going to wait around forever, or not.

It's not easy. Stay strong, and God will be with you no matter what you decide.

K

D and K,

Thank you both for your help. I actually need to get the Dobson book back out and read it again.

d - I hope you are right about the consequences thing. There are times when I am just sure that WH and OW are going to live happily ever after and he will never realize what he has lost and given up. I am not just talking about losing me and the M. He lost my whole family. They loved him like he was one of their own. My niece and nephew truely adored him. They are so sweet, I can not imagine a life without them in it and he has walked away from that as well. I still want to save my marriage, I just can not continue like this anymore. I hope that he will realize what he is giving up before I have found someone else.

K - Steve Harley told me to stay in Plan B even though I have filed. I have not talked to WH in over 5 months. I think that is why I am so nervous about the letter. It is my chance to let him know that I am moving on with my life, but that I still love him. I am just not sure if he loves me.

Thank you both again.
Sinking