Can anyone refer me to a discussion(s) regarding dealing with issues regarding age differences between spouses?<BR>In this case, my husband is 18 years younger than I. We have 2 biological children of our own, 6 & 9, no other children from previous marriages. I would like to read about addressing the various issues and potential challenges specific to this type of marriage. <BR>

Dear Everhopeful:<BR>I always believed that if something isn't broken don't try fixing it. Age is nothing more than a number. What's 18 years? There are men older than women in this same situation. As long as you guys are happy and content with each other count it all joy and let it be a blessing to you. Be happy and be blessed.

everhopeful,<BR>Wow. You and I are in very similar situations. My H is exactly 18 years younger than I. No previous marriages/kids. One child-6. Let's see if anyone else chimes in here--maybe we could exchange email addresses. I definitely have some age-related concerns about our marriage.<P>There was one place last year where there were some good discussions on "non-traditional" relationships--it was a website associated with the PBS documentary series "An American FamilY" (I think that's the name)--the show was about a mixed race couple, but the WEB bulletin boards included wonderful stories of people with other differences, including "December-May" marriages like ours. I think that site's been closed down, however.

Good to hear there is someone else out there!<P>We have a good marriage. However, even in the best of normal marriages, there are no guarantees. The main concerns I have to do with mostly my own insecurities, like what happens when I really start to age and look older, do I consider plastic surgery to keep <BR>the gap less apparent, what about dealing with menopause when your husband is only 30, keeping up physically (my husband is very active athletically), younger preditory women that think your husband must be fair game if he's stuck with an older wife, stuff like that. Alot of it is keeping your own self esteem healthy, but sometimes I do worry. I look about 40, but am 52, it freaks me out that I am going to be sixty at the next big birthday and my H will only be 42. H has those Johnny Carson youthful looks too, so that doesn't help. My friends and family have always been very supportive of our marriage, and that definitely helps. Socializing is another issue - we tend to vacilate towards couples in between our ages - late 30's mid forties, with younger kids. My H teases me about my age sometimes, but I am in good shape, and between my kids and H, I keep up with what seems to be happening in several generations. So what are your concerns - and how do you deal with some of the stuff I mentioned above? Hope to hear more about your situation. Thanks for your reply!<BR>

Well, I really don't have anything very useful to add, probably...<P>But just something that may interest you.<P>There is a unique couple that are friends of ours. "Unique" because the marriage has the same kind of age-split, and it has some interesting cultural differences.<P>The husband is black, 32 years old, and he is from Queens, NY. He's very much into fitness-weightlifting and things like that.<P>The wife is white, 52 years old, and she is from (can't remember exactly) a rural part of Texas - and is sort of a "country-gal" sort.<P>They're both attractive people, active. . .they do things together (recreational, projects, etc.) and apparently get along great.<P>I realize that we can't always guess the absolute truth about whether people are happy or not by appearances, but these two sure seem to really be in love.<P>What I "see" in them. . .as far as I can perceive their feelings toward one another, is encouraging.<P>Just a tid-bit for you...<P>for whatever it's worth<P>(I might not have gotten the ages quite right, but I know it's a 20 year difference)

Thanks, ilmf--it always helps to hear about other "success stories." My husband and I have cultural differences too.<P>Ever,<BR>I have to run to pick up my duaghter, but my goodness we're very similar! I'm a bit younger than you (but I DON"T look 12 years younger than my age). I have been pondering ALL of the things you mentioned! Gotta go for now--more tomorrow!

I found this post to be very interesting. My H is 17 years older than me. I am black, he is white. I am 30 and beleive me, somedays I can look 18 without trying too hard My H is 47 and very fit but looks his age. We are from different cultural and socio-economic backgrounds. He has 2 kids from a former marriage, I have none. I say all this to say...you are as old as you feel. My H chases me around the bed , I can't keep up with him. We do not worry about the future, we enjoy each other and our marriage

I'mafool--That's great that your relationship is transparent to the age and cultural difs. But I do think the age thing is more of a challenge when the woman is the older one. It's also wise to focus on the here and now--good for you! I'll give that a try...<P>Everhopeful--<BR>Yeah--I'm thinking about surgery too. He says it doesn't matter, but it is my own insecurities. Age and culture are not the only causes of our problems--not even the main causes. But add them into the already complex relationship mix, and it's more stuff to deal with and be aware of. How about Ted Turner dumping Jane Fonda for a 20-30 year old twinkie? He's close to 70, isn't he? We could drive ourselves nuts thinking about this stuff. <BR> I don't even talk to him about menopause--I feel kinda alone in that. <BR> You say "younger preditory women that think your husband must be fair game if he's stuck with an older wife"--We've got what some twinkies will never have--experience and the outer confidence that goes with it (now let's work in the inner confidence). But you're right, there are always poor souls without a sense of self-worth, and tough, cynical sharpies, who would sleep with a married man in a flash. But if we obsess about it, it will overtake our thoughts. <BR> Our friends tend to be closer to my age, although as my daughter entered school, we've been hanging out with younger parents plus "older" parents like me (our daughter is 6)-- there's very much a mix of parents at her school.<BR> We basically kept his age a secret from my parents--now that we've been married 10 years and we have a kid, I don't care if they find out. Very few colleagues at work know exactly how young he is, but most of my friends do. Honestly, I never expected our relationship to last--so I never thought I'd have to worry about these things--the main thing I wanted was a child. Little did I know that I'd fall so deeply in love with him--and how naive of me to think that we could have a kid and just split up, with no one suffering major consequences (especially our child).<BR> Gotta go. Bye for now.<P>P.S.--I just want to clarify for any 20-30 women out there who may be insulted by my use of the term "twinkies"--I just mean the young opportunists who don't hestiate to try to steal someone else's husband. I don't mean to imply that all young women are like that--some of my best friends are young, wonderful women who respect the institution of marriage! <BR> <P>[This message has been edited by maryb (edited August 01, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by maryb (edited August 02, 2000).]

What was the name of the wonderful movie about the 20ish man who came home with the daughter (friends from college) and fell in love with the mother? The movie's plot was the conversation about younger men and older women.<P>The one line I found so endearing was where the mother was obsessing to her mother about why she couldn't continue in the relationship because would happen when she got older? Her mother said: "If he is attracted to a woman twice his age now, the only thing you'll have to worry about is older women."<P>Now if only I could remember the name of that movie....

Hi All,<BR> My H is 24 years old (Looks a lot older) and and I am 39. We have been together since 1993 when he was 17 (and yes, he had a note from his mama!!!! LOL). Actually, M-I-L and I are very close, always have been. She told me when we first met, all she cared about was that we love each other, and take care of each other. We've been married since 1997, after living together for a long time before. I was afraid to tell a lot of people about our age difference, because I get tired of the "robbing the cradle" remarks. I challenge anyone who's ever seen my husband to guess his age, and nobody ever gets close. Some have judged him to look like mid 30's. It would be nice to be able to exchange emails with other couples who have age difference. There are a lot of issues we face in marriage that others don't. It's just nice to know we aren't alone.

Thanks for the replies - it really is a different set of circumstances in many ways. Of course, the main thing is that if you love each other and have a strong relationship, thats all that really matters. However, the age difference with the wife being older is a factor that is often not considered in marriage counseling. For example, everyone assumes that husbands and wives will 1)retire at the same time, 2) grow old "together", 3)that the husband will also have some middle age issues of his own when the wife hits menopause, etc. I personally, being the vain thing that I am, <BR>am worried about the looks factor. Its not so bad right now, cause I'm a young looking 51, but when I am 70 and he is only 52, this makes me nervous - I am actually considering a face lift. As we all know, one of Harley's (as well as my husband's) emotional needs is "an attractive spouse". My husband is very attractive, and as mentioned in an earlier post, has been pursued by younger women who assume that he must be ready to trade in for a younger model. Am I just being paranoid or does anyone else have these concerns? Any special advice as to keep yourself confidant and on track?

I too, had fears of this, and that's why when H had the affair, I was really beside myself. Thought that my worst fears had come true. Now I know better. He wants me, no one else. He wrote me a love letter, and in it he says that there will never be anyone more beautiful to him than me, and never be anyone he wants more, no matter how gray my hair gets or whatever else shows my age. I have since come to realize that the affair had more to do with us pulling away from each other due to unresolved issues, and nothing at all to do with age difference. We are communicating much better now, and I feel that he and I are going to make it, because we have found out what our needs are, and how to get them met the right way. I don't see us as older woman younger man anymore, I see us as a married couple, just like any other, who needs to work to keep the love alive.

Wow--this is great talking to others in my same situation. (Thanks, Everhopeful, for starting this thread. Also--ktgirl, I dream of the day my H will speak those words to me. Bless your H and you!).<P>I think my H blamed our age dif (I'm 47, he's 30) for all of our problems. I know that was one of the two things he whined about to the OW (along with "we fight all the time"). But the Retrouvaille weekend was a turnaround for him in many ways. He said that one of the things he learned was that other couples, of similar ages and cultures, have problems that are NOT caused by such differences.<P>I guess i'm still paranoid. But I'll tell you what. We went to a wedding this past weekend--his cousin got married. The bride was quite full-figured--had to be at least a size 18, if not 20. (Weight is another thing I'm paranoid about). But this woman carried herself with such pride, such confidence--and her (skinny) groom was obviously so madly in love with her--she really was an inspiration to me. If I can learn to be self-confident, and carry myself with self-love and pride, I don't think age or weight will get in the way!<p>[This message has been edited by maryb (edited August 09, 2000).]

Hey, breadwinner--I don't think I ever saw that movie. Remember the year? Who was in it? I can do some reserach on the WEB...

I think Shirley MacLean was the mother. Agnes Moorehead was the grandmother. It was in the mid-late seventies that I saw it because everyone was wearing hippie-type garb & the rooms (Manhattan) were the old-style Sutton Place apartments. other then that, I'm clueless. It was very good about bringing up the age different phobias.

Maryb,<BR> It shocked me when he said those things. I mean, when we first got together, he would say things like that all the time. Show up with a rose, for no apparent reason. It's like we are getting closer all the time. Actually like we are going back to where we were a long time ago, before the problems, before OW. I keep waiting for it to wear off, but it keeps getting better. Hopefully, it will continue. I don't think OW, or any other female has a chance with him now. I feel like I am all he wants, and will ever want. It's a nice feeling, after all the troubles. I didn't think I'd ever feel that way again. I'm still having bad moments, but they are fewer and farther between.

Hey, everybody--check this out:<BR> <A HREF="http://washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/entertainment/lovelife/features/vitzthum803.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/entertainment/lovelife/features/vitzthum803.htm</A> <P>It's a cute article and refers to a message board--haven't seen the board yet...

Another good movie for types like us:<P> Harold and Maude<P>We've always loved it - rented it for our last anniversary. <BR>

My H and I also have an age split. I'm 41, he's 30. I look young for my age (mid-30s) and I think I still look pretty good. He looks older than his age and gets insulted when people guess him to be in his mid-30s. So we LOOK pretty much the same age. The thing I find is that there are some maturity issues between us. I don't know if I notice them more than he does, but it's never been anything insurmountable -- until now. He's acting very immature right now. <P>Family and friends have been very supportive -- don't even notice it really.<P>KristyAnn

Yes - the maturity issue is tricky. Sometimes its hard to tell whether they are acting immature because they are the age they are (and x number of years younger than you), or that they are just immature period. Do you know what I mean? For several years early in our relationship when my husband was early 20's, there were alot of things I blamed on his immaturity. Now that he is 33, those same things that are still part of his personality can't be blamed on his tender years. <P>Another thing I discovered - when we met I was 38 - he was still in college. I loved the maturity that he had over most guys his age, but still tended to think of him like a wet-behind-the-ears college boy, not nearly as worldly and wise as I. 14 years later, I realized that I still sometimes have this attitude, but low and behold, he is a mature man now, great father, respected professional in his field,<BR>talented home builder, shrewd investor, confident public speaker etc. I realized that in some ways I still thought of and treated him like a college kid. This has been a most valuable revelation, and improved our relationship considerably over the last couple of years. <BR>I really concentrate on recognizing and telling him how much I admire him for what he is, and that increased admiration has really strengthened our relationship. <P>