Hi,
Haven't posted this board yet, but I have a question that belongs here. My WH is forcing divorce, my story is on General Q's. He will file if I don't and for legal reasons I can't let that happen. How can I keep from doing LB's in what I am sure will not be a pleasant situation.

I still love him and want to reconcile, but I am afraid that the divorce problems will just make him hate me.

Let me elaborate, he is very used to being in charge and having me agree and go along with his decisions, which was fine when we were making them together. But now, his idea of a fair settlement and mine are differing, stupidly when we started talking D I went along with his decisions and trusted his suggestions and believed his financial sit. Now I am not so sure, I think I did this to make him happy and not to upset him.

All along though, people, even his own family, father, his best friend,everyone, have been telling me not to let him take advantage of me. Not to trust him. I didn't want to believe he would lie or take advantage, but, then again look what he has done. Plus if there is one thing he cares about more than the OP it is MONEY. He also gets very defensive if I bring up a money issue it is "OH POOR ME" and "I AM BEING AS FAIR AS I CAN" "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD THINK I WOULD HURT YOU" Also I have seen him lie about fin. things to others.

But, I was a stay at home mom for 24 yrs and still have 3 at home, never went to college, married at 18. I know I will get on my feet but he has left me with a big mortgage and unfortunatly for me I need his fin. support.

Any help from those who have been there. As I said I still have hope, he has only been with OP a short time, I think he is jumping into D to ease guilt. I don't want this D to drive the last nail in the coffin. But, I have to stand up for myself. HELP!!

My W is eager to push through a divorce, though I don't know why she's so hot to get it done. On the other hand, it's been a year since she said she wanted a D, six months or so since she filed, yet she hasn't sent me a settlement proposal. Maybe that will help you.

From what I know about my state, you have to file financial affidavits, etc., to figure out child support, alimony and all of that. Find out what's been filed and what you expect to receive.

In my case, after a few months and some threats from her, I told her I wouldn't sign anything until I was comfortable with it.

He might look at it as LB'ing, but you will get some control of the situation and slow it down enough to look at what is going on. And it might make him stop, even temporarily, and reconsider.

footballwidow-

I have just come from a similar situation, and this is what I have learned.

I know that you want to Plan A and do everything that you can to save yoru marriage, but if your WH is filing for divorce then YOU HAVE NO OTHER OPTION THAN TO PROTECT YOURSELF AND YORU KIDS FINANCIALLY.

Even Steve Harley will tell you that.

If you don't, you will end up like me - totally financially screwed!

Listen to yor friends and your family on this one. They know of what they speak. Right now, the only person that yor WH is thinking about is himself. Not even his kids.

It's sad, but my WH didn't even want to pay for the dentist for the children. And he doesn't care if we have to live in a box, as long as he doesn't have to pay for it - and he has PLENTY of money.

RIght now you need to hire a good attorney and start saving money. You will need it.

Unfortunately, when it comes to divorce, there is no playing around.

Will it make your WH mad, angry, upset? Yes.

But what would you rather have - a happy ExH, who doesn't have to pay you a dime - or an unhappy ExH who has made sure that you are provided for financially? And ExH can always get over his anger toward you about this, expecially if he comes around because then he'll know that you made him do the right thing by being financially responsible to his family in a period of time in his life when he couldn't think straight.

Don't make the same mistakes that I did.

And if you have any quesitons - go on Dr. Harley's radio show Mon. or Thurs. and ask him. - you can listen from this website.

Good luck - and remember - you have to protect YOUR KIDS financially.

K

hi,
Yes i can see. I have always been kind of a doormat but in this sit. I owe it to myself and kids. It is so hard because WH has a very skewed concept of what is fair money-wise. He has gotten us in a lot of debt (failed businesses, trips over seas for failed b. and to visit OW I think, she is from Romania, here in US now) and just plain spending to much. But, if it benefits him he can always find a reason.

When my OD married last year, he was thinking about leaving his job (DID) and this wasn't a cheap wedding, but he felt the need to go out and buy a 3000$ Rolex watch. This man is not a millionaire. This was a MAJOR outlay for us. His reasoning "Don't I deserve it!!"

Think this is the same reasoning for the A. After all he has sacrificed for our family HE DESERVES SOME HAPPINESS. He has as much as told me that one.

Please keep the advice coming. I NEED IT!! I am a mess emotionally and every other way right now.

THANKS,
S

Ute,
That is why you need an attorney. If your h says anything, just blame it on the attornery. I don't know if there is anyway else to avoid LB when going thru the divorce, because one or both parties always feels cheated.

In mine, I was real angry at my x's proposals. We finally did get them even( at least in mine, she complains every once in a while) but when I pointed out one things she may not like( for some reason, my lawyer had put down I had a year to pay her for her half of the house) she said I was trying to cheat her. It was changed to 90 days and she still expected payment the next day.

There are a lot of hurt and angry feeling when it comes to money. Be strong. Getting the house may not be as beneficial as having more cash or investments. Perhaps having him buy you out and moving to cheaper housing.

Hang in!

Hi Ute,
I'm here at work and had a few minutes, so I thought I'd give you my two cents worth. You and I are in similar situations with our age, length of marriage, kids, education etc...I also do not want divorce, so everything is coming from my husband about that. Here in NC one has to be living apart for 12 months before divorce can be filed. He moved out July 6 so now I'm in a wait and see game while tring to do Plan A <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I think you have already contacted a lawyer, right? What are the laws in your state? If you aren't sure, go to these sites and read up for some free info: divorce source and divorce info. In fact, it wouldn't hurt for you to just have the background info from these sites; divorce was a "foreign subject" to me prior to this spring too.

Keep in mind, just because you are talking to a lawyer it does NOT mean you are initiating anything OR are looking to divorce as a solution. You have stated emphatically on this site that you do not want a divorce. I assume you are still saying that to your husband and family. (yes, let them know too!) By seeing a lawyer, you are protecting yourself (and your kids who aren't adults yet). Having been married as long as you have, you deserve some serious financial consideration... and if it comes to a judicial decision, you want to make sure you have a competant lawyer on your side. Also, a lawyer is a good advisor when it comes to decisions such as the house vs. cash, vs. portfolios, etc.

I totally agree with what GIIC said. Hang in there and gather whatever specific information you can about your joint finances, individual finances, and what the laws are in your state. In this case, knowledge is power (for you)and will help you make informed decisions for your future and that of your children.

Thanks to all for your good advice and support. Let me clarify my D situation a little. I don't want divorce WH wants one ASAP.

He has lived in his state long enough to file and will if I don't, he gave me the option. Originally I was going to let him. I told him I wanted nothing to do with it. But as we got into settlement talk I got leery and talked to a lawyer. He told me definitly NOT to let my WH file in his state. The laws here are much more stringent, to my advantage, in my situation.

Believe me if I thought I could wait or drag my feet I would. HECK, he has only been with this girl for maybe a month total time (she is from Romania) they barely know each other. And she just moved to where he is last week, I think. I would really like some time, but he won't allow it. He has it in his mind that the problem has nothing really to do with her, it's our marriage. He "HAS TO MOVE ON"

I really think if he would give it some time he might come around. But, he seems to have convinced himself of all kinds of reasons for not trying. And I think that he thinks the D will decrease some of the awful stress and guilt he says he feels. You see I didn't know about A till he had moved away and now that I know I don't think he can handle the guilt of continuing the A with me knowing. He KNOWS I was a damn good wife, He even told me I was the poster child for great wifes and is probably making the biggest mistake of his life. BUT, he thinks this thing is what finally might "MAKE HIM HAPPY"

Oh well, so much for the FOG. I will be a lighthouse, at least for a little while still.
Love and best wishes to all
S