My wife separated from me 2 weeks ago. She said that she had wanted to for some time because I had been somewhat verbally abusive. While I admit to sarcasm and discounting, my so-called abuse was fairly mild compared to examples I have read in books. I feel as if I am going through a forced witdrawal. I still Love her and want to work things out. I also feel pretty strongly that are problems are solvable. Any advice on how to change her mind?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jsiena:
<strong>Any advice on how to change her mind?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, first of all, stop justifying yourself by saying "my so-called abuse was fairly mild compared to examples I have read in books".

It is a disrespectful to refer to it as "so-called abuse". The use of the term "so-called", implies that your W doesn't know when she feels abused or is making it up, or just creating a ruse. Refering to it as it "so-called" fails to offer your W confirmation of her feelings.

You yourself have admitted to your "sarcasm and discounting". So, don't say "I'm sorry, but I really didn't mean it" or "I was wrong, but..". If you want to acknowlede your fault, do so without justification or excuse. Just say "I'm sorry I hurt you by the way I talked to you and I will try not to do so in the future. I hope that you will be able to forgive me and come to trust me to talk to you in a way which does not hurt." No justification, no excuses - just a recognition of your fault and a commitment to change.

Just my two bits.

-AD

You are correct. I do accept responsibility. What I should have said is that I believe there are degrees of VA and mine was on the low side. However, I am fully taking ownership for what I did. My wife is very angr now. I need help with what I should be doing now.

COUNSELING!

Read everything on this website. I have learned about faults I never knew I had, it IS going to make me a better person, as a matter of fact it already has. you might look at posts on the EN board, they have alot of good ideas. I haven't been here long enough to offer any really good advice but I can tell you the information you find here if you will implement it will help. It has already helped me. My kids have noticed, I am just waiting till he does.
lynette

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jsiena:
<strong> While I admit to sarcasm and discounting, my so-called abuse was fairly mild compared to examples I have read in books. ?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It doesn't matter how you compare to what "the books" say, what matters is how your words made your wife feel. For years I tried to ignore my husbands abusive words because they "weren't as bad as being hit" or "weren't as bad as some men". Then one day I watched an argument between a friend and her husband and realized that even though they were fighting, he never yelled, belittled, abused or threatened her..... and I realized that what my husband did really was abuse because it made me feel worthless. I left after 12 years of marriage and have never looked back because his response to my leaving was more of the same. To get your wife back you'll need to really change and let her see it; don't tell her about it.

Read the post I just put about caution on divorce. Take the 2 week 'timeout' and learn from it. My marriage never had something like that, if it had, we might still be together because I was able to realize a lot of things.

quote:
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Originally posted by jsiena:
Any advice on how to change her mind?
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The mere fact that you close your first post with this sentence shows that you would rather try to control her than change your destructive behavior.

You have made a good decision in coming to MB for help. You deserve a lot of credit for that!

Until you realize and acknowledge that the way you have treated your wife has caused her great pain and is ruining your marraige, no amount of advice will help you!

Glad you asked for help, I'm sure you will get a lot of good advice here, I hope you keep reading and posting.

I'll try to keep my big mouth shut and not scare you away!

BW

<small>[ August 28, 2002, 08:59 AM: Message edited by: bachelor's wife ]</small>

Thank you for the advice. I would like to clarify my position. I take ownership and admit my verbal abuse. However, there are several different levels of verbal abuse. Mine was sarcasm and joking. I never yelled at or belittled my wife. In fact my personality is such that what I did do I was not aware of. Once it was pointed out to me, I did everything I could to stop it. My marriage is that important to me.

My wife had an emotional affair and the talk of verbal abuse started when I discovered the affair. I am now wondering if it is being used as an excuse for her behavior.

I am confused at this point what my wife's true agenda is.