OK so we are scheduled for a court date 9-18-02 for the divorce - the one that he wants the one that I did all the work on - I am trying to make myself sane again - and that hasn't been easy - I feel like my life is that table that is set with the tablecloth underneath and the magician pulls the table cloth off only all of the dishes go flying everywhere... I am sure most of you understand!! OK so what has been happening is that he has an apartment - I have the house - I am paying for it myself he gives me child support only. He still has his key - I figure if he has the kids he might need to get in here -but instead of coming over and taking the kids out - he will come over here to my house and hang out - he wants to be friends with me - He calls me all of the I proceed to tell him everything that has happened during the day etc. Ok now I decided yesterday that he wants a divorce so I should tell ok - you don't want to be here - so I don't want you to be here. I emailed him and I said I love you but you know what I need you to go away - I need you to pick up the kids and not hang around - I need to get over you - I want to be your friend but I can't right now - Kind of like Plan B - but I have got to tell you he is a miffed at me... Like he actually seems hurt - Did I do the right thing?? Don't I need to get over him or make him realize just what he is loosing - it was starting to feel like to me that he was having his single life with a little family thrown in when he wanted it??? What do you all think???

MAW64,

but I have got to tell you he is a miffed at me... Like he actually seems hurt - Did I do the right thing?? Don't I need to get over him or make him realize just what he is loosing - it was starting to feel like to me that he was having his single life with a little family thrown in when he wanted it??? What do you all think???

I think that you are like me and have trouble setting boundaries. We want everything to be ok and to be liked.

Now, Good for you ! STBXH wants his cake and eat it too. I read on these boards that one of the regrets is to not stick to a parenting or visitaion plan to keep your boundaries.

God Bless,

D.

I have had the same problem with my ex, at times things have been too close, and i need to let go of him completely. He wants to be "friends" too, and i can't right now either. Maybe some day, but not now. There are too many feelings that i still have. I don't care to know what is going on his life, and i don't want him to know what is going on with mine. He wasn't my "friend" for the 11 years that i was with him, why now?????
I try to be "friendly" as far as the kids go, and that is working out good now.

He too, just wants the best of both worlds, stay attached to me, and go on his dates with other women. I can't handle that!! And believe me, it is getting easier <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Willgetthroughthis - Thank you I definately have trouble setting boundaries - I always feel like I am the one defending him to everyone when I should be the one to kick him out on his butt... But I really need to do this - it may kill me or hey it might me a better person - I don't really know only time will tell - but I cannot go on with the mixed signals and the pal - thing - thanks for the encouragement.....

Momof4kids - It is getting easier huh?? I still have the problem of wanting to know what is going on in his life though - but that is what I am trying to do let go completely - I mean I will always in some capacity be there for him but he wants a divorce and that doesn't mean being best friends and asking my opinion on everything - He doesn't even realize that everytime he has a thought he calls me and shares it with me - I don't even think he knows that he is doing it - but that it was I must be strong and stop - I am glad it will get easier - I am just at the point - I need to be happy - I need my own life - I am not sure if he is dating but I already know that I don't like that - so that I definately do not want to know about - thanks to you too....

Yes you did the right thing!!! He can't have a single life and family when he wants it, that is called an Uncle and usually the favorite one!!

Stay strong with the boundaries, don't let him try and make you feel bad or guilty about setting them!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dawn - Thank you very much for your words of encouragment I like the Uncle thing and you know that is about right - He just called me and the first thing he said was I know I am not suppose to call you but this is important - well you know what it really wasn't important. Maybe I should have set these boundaries a long time ago. I just keep feeling bad for him - I don't think he is happy and yet I know none of this was my doing - I will try to stay strong - thank you

MAW64:

Just have to encourage you. YES, you did the right thing. My exW also wanted to be friends, (we are, we were always very close), but I ended up consoling her through the break-up with BF that she was seeing until we got divorced (!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

You behaved OK up to now, I think, any more and he'll be spoilt. Literally. How the H*LL can he try to put the guilt on you when he's the one severing ties? This unfortunately is typical. If you don't do what you're doing, you only validate his behaviour. When my ex's 1st A ended, I tried in vain to get her just to out with me, (movies, dinner). Now SHE invites me out ALL THE TIME, but maintains that she will not go down that road with me again (?).

Stay focussed & strong. My thoughts are with you.
Muzohead

MAW64:

Forgot to add: Just HAVE to tell you this, same reaction:

but I have got to tell you he is a miffed at me... Like he actually seems hurt - Did I do the right thing?? Don't I need to get over him or make him realize just what he is loosing - it was starting to feel like to me that he was having his single life with a little family thrown in when he wanted it??? What do you all think???

I was due to move out in a week's time, when ex was seeing last BF. (still married, same house, with kids). I told her how I felt about him picking her up in front of our door, (she told the kids it was a friend from work), and that she could just wait, until I was out.( I used to leave, until they had left the house, then go back). So, she couldn't wait, or didn't give a damn, whatever, and he picked her up AGAIN, in that same week. I decided that I WOU:D have a birthday, have it at my cousin's place, and that she would not be invited. When she found out, she was FURIOUS! Screamed at me till outside the house onto the street, and threatened to gatecrash <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , all kinds of stuff! Even when I picked up my stuff for the party, and piled in the kids, and got ready, all I had in my ears was continuous verbal abuse. How's that for an irrational reaction! It didn't deter me, though, thank goodness <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . At some point I actually considered letting her have her way.( MISTAKE!)

So I understand the territory. Just stay strong & resolute!
Good Luck!
Muzohead

Muzohead - it is strange how they react isn't it. I mean my husband actually said to me one time - I can tell by the way you are acting that I am only going to be the father of your children - I mean really that is all he is now and that was by his choice - another funny thing he said was he was telling me that he wanted to claim one of the girls on his taxes and I said no way - and said what is the problem I mean isn't ok for me to think about myself for once - I mean I almost died - really - He called me twice today saying each time I know I am not suppose to call you - It is funny the sad part is that I want to call and tell him everything still but I am not going to - I am getting a new puppy and the lady emailed me a picture and my first thought was to forward it to him and I had to stop myself - but the point is I did stop myself. You are a strong person if you could deal with her boyfriend picking her up at your house - I mean really what is wrong with these WS's attitudes. Thank you for your support and kind words to me this time... Mimi

MAW64:

...you're welcome!
I'm sorry if you thought my posts in BOHEME's topic were unkind. They were intended to be kind to HIM, more than anything else.

Some news on my side, I've just met the most wonderful woman on the planet. It's uncanny how in synch we are, and how much of the same view on life we share. I'm a bit concerned that I should have met her now, so soon, since I know the timing's hardly right. It's just so soon, but I've shared my concerns with her, and it's a day at a time from now on.

I know exactly what you mean about the wanting to share thing. That bond is special, and hard to break. However, our irresponsible ex's can sometimes use this as leverage with us, by abusing the special connection we still feel to them, in spite of everything. You're on the right path and I think you'll make it OK.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Muzohead

muzohead - Good for you - It may be to soon but you know what if you are happy after all of the crap that you went through then go for it ... Don't try to justify it just ride with it.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> !! I am hoping to be on the right track but then I have a day like today and just sort of fall back - I have a hard time dealing with the fact that after 19 years he could give a crap about me and really treats me like a stranger and he cannot even give me the time of day. I just want to hate him but I have a hard time doing that - I am going to try really hard.... but hopefully I will meet someone that will take my mind off of all of this - I also think that if you have been upfront with this lady about what you have gone through and she is willing - then great - hey keep me updated - maybe there is hope for me - to get over someone who clearly doesn't want me anymore - I don't think you were being mean to me - it is just when I read Boeheme's thread it just struck a cord I could relate to the wife who tried and tried - and now she is probably finally happy and he is like acting like she is cheating - I just got a little ticked but I didn't mean to be mean to him because I am sure he is realizing that he probably screwed up the best thing that ever happened to him....

I am getting a new puppy and the lady emailed me a picture and my first thought was to forward it to him and I had to stop myself - but the point is I did stop myself.

Can you post the picture of the puppy here? I love puppies - they do make great companions. My daughter and I joke around & say men should be like our dog - snuggly, always excited to see us and loyal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

WH bought me a dog just before he started spending more and more time away from home. Looking back, I think he knew what he was going to do, just didn't tell me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Stay strong <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

God Bless,

D.

MAW64:

Thanks for the ecouragement.
You're doing fine on your own now, and of course that's the best way to start. No, I don't hate my ex either. Can't. I'm sure your H does still give a cr*p, hence the phone-calls and other contact. My ex called me constantly, and always wanted me to stay for coffee, or supper, when I dropped the kids, or visited them. Once it seems that we make a move to be free of them, that's when they make an effort to maintain ties at all costs. Deep down they know the value of the relationship with us. They just don't have the balls (can I say that here?) to choose.

You will find someone for sure. Like me, probably when you realise that you need to be alone for a while(!) Once you do, you'll be even more amazed at what you used to accept from your partner in your M.

Keep goin' !
muzohead

Will Get Through This - you can go to doublejkennel.com and look at cairn terrier puppies mine is the one born 8-11-02 color wheaton and female and marked sold... I would post the picture but I haven't a clue how to do that...

Muzohead - ok so it is 2:47 am and I am wide awake obsessing about what happened with the lady next door and my husband - why I do this to myself I have no clue - I mean the marriage is over I am getting a divorce - it is just that I do not have the truth and it is driving me crazy. I definately need to be alone for awhile I couldn't even imagine being with someone else - but who knows I could get lucky like you and find someone - I just think maybe if I knew the truth from my husband and the other woman next door - not just all of the phone calls and the hook ups for coffee etc. then I would be able to hate him and move on with my life totally - Its the problem that I have believing him half of the time that throws me in a tailspin and actually has me feeling sorry for him.. I need to get at that angry stage - he could care if he ever talks to me again and I think most of that is the guilt he feels when he does talk to me about what he did to me....Anyways not to bring you down - I hope things go really well for you and your new lady....