Well, my time visiting this board will probably end after this post. I kept coming back after the divorce to see if I could find out what my wife was thinking. Ex-wife.

You see it was MY idea to get the divorce. She was against it. After 13 years of marriage (never separated) I can't say for sure any one reason why I pushed for it. But after numerous fights and my prior inability to get over an affair I committed against her (I don't know if my other posts are still out here on that - I was basically naive that an affair could happen to me and that's how the OW got what she wanted and wrecked my life - my ex-wife was the only woman I had ever been with for 33 years). My wife had gotten over the affair to where I hadn't. Kinda weird.

Anyway, once a divorced was decided upon it came and went way too quickly. I almost caught myself in court when asked if I wanted one before the judge and said no. But I said yes. I should have known ANY hesitation should mean try again.

Within a few weeks (not much of a separation period) I realized the mistake I made. The affair made me a born again Christian realizing I was not in control of my life. Post-divorce-by-myself allowed me to get even closer to God (my ex is a Christian) and He showed me the error of my ways.

But, I wanted to give my ex some time to cool off before approaching her about possibly trying again. I waited a month and told her. The response I got was not good. She was already with someone else and it was "serious" and that I needed to "move on".

Well, to try to cut to the chase.......I didn't move on but for the next several months I tried. I prayed, talked to friends, whatever I could do. Everything still pointed back to her. Again last May I contacted her and got the same response along with a "in order to be good to my boyfriend, I don't think we should cut all ties".

Again, I prayed trying to move on. Again (as you will read), I haven't been allowed to by God.

Below is the final exchange between me and my ex. I hope you don't have to read the words and feel the pain I did of what she told me in her response. She has every right to do what she wants because we are divorced, I just hope for her sake what she is doing works out. From the info I have seen on this board and what I have gone through, there is a pain period that you should be by yourself for awhile and she did the opposite and is now engaged 7 months to the first guy after a 13 year marriage. She has dated 2 guys in her life (I was her first and she was mine) and it appears will have married them both.

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Me:

yyyyyy, Hi, how are you doing ? I know I am violating what you told me about contact, but this is something I just have to do......

I know I broke your heart. I know I was a bad person. I know I did a LOT of things that many may find unforgiveable. I now look upon the last year of our marriage the same way I do the days of my affair - it's like it is someone else and not me. I'd like to say I was possessed by Satan those final days of asking for a divorce. I'd like to blame it on someone else, but I can't. I did it. I am to blame. I made the mistake.

I know you are seeing someone else now and pretty seriously by what you've told me. But, I only care about talking to you one last time here to let you know what I have been going through and what I am hoping/praying for. I spent 6 months just praying from December to June. Just praying and a lot of time to myself. I tried to get closer to God and what he wanted and expected of me. That time is priceless for what it has done to and for me.

After 6 months of waiting/praying/hoping that you might reconsider, I finally started listening to other people that I should move on. This was in spite of everything God was giving me signals on. Late June I did go out on a double date with another girl as a blind date. That was a total bust. That night I had a dream we were back together. Then, late July I decided I would give it another shot. I haven't even gone out on my own date, everything has been someone setting me up on a blind date. Again, that very night I had a very vivid dream that we were back together and I hugged you. And lastly, I just tried it for a third time.

This time there wasn't a dream, but that next day, which was a weekend, I had one of the worst days of my life as far as missing you and wanting to be with you. I will leave the personal details out, but it was very painful for me as no matter what I did that day I just kept thinking of you. These dreams were already in line with the ones I had been having about every month. It started in December when I had a few dreams about us, not talking, just sitting there. Then a month later I had one about us sitting there and talking. Then came another one just like that. Then one followed with us not talking, but there was this feeling between us like we had settled something. Then came the dreams after my dates. I didn't understand why I was having them because everything in the real world was in total contrast to them.

And that is the way it has been for me for 10 months or so. Everything I do or think about still revolves around YOU. I ride my bike and I just get caught up in missing you. I take a drive and the same thing happens. I go play softball and I just wonder what it would be like to see you sitting there watching again. My hobbies have become more time-killers than enjoyment. I use them to try and take my mind off of you. They aren't approached in the same manner as before. When I cook, I miss having you there to eat with me.

I KNOW I don't have a leg to stand on. I know I messed up as big as anyone can mess up. I know I hurt you. Again and again. But, I also know I love you. I still love you. Enough to want to humiliate myself, lose my ego, drop my pride and once again reiterate how much you mean to me and what a mistake I made. The fact you are with someone else now has no effect on how I feel about you. You could have been with a different guy every day since the divorce and I don't care. This isn't about someone else. It's about me and you. It's about who you want to spend the next 30,40,50 years of your life with.

I cannot say enough how sorry I am.

In your final email to me you talked about consequences for my actions. Well, believe me, there have been consequences. Big time. I have found out what it is like to feel the pain of missing somone you love dearly every day and hour of your life for 10 months. I have paid every day for my actions. Not a day has gone by that I haven't had to deal with what I did. My own error. My own screwup. It feels like it's been decades since I saw or talked to you and it hasn't even been a year.

I just hope you can think about what I am saying as far as us trying once more. I wouldn't ask if I really and honestly haven't changed. I have always been honest with you about everything. I am being honest now. I have changed. God has changed me. God has worked on me every day that we've been apart. I was all set to try and suck it up and leave the ball in your court after our final email exchanges last spring. But, God stayed on me. Through dreams, thoughts, times of prayer. Through no matter what I am doing, having the memory of what it would be like if you were there with me. I thought that would lessen over time. It didn't. Many things I want to do I still pass on doing because I know the pain of not having you to do it with would be too painful. Even something as simple as going to the fair. I had to leave almost as soon as I got there this year because I just kept thinking of you. The day after my 3rd date set it back to day 1. That was an act of God and that is why this email is happening.

Then, I had a 3rd date. It wasn't just the date. Missing you had been building over time and just trying to be with someone else was what set off the feelings again. Have they gone away for you ? Is this new guy everything you want in someone ? Does what I say anymore even matter because you would refuse regardless of if you were with someone else or not ?

I don't know the answer to any of these questions. I know all the prior responses I got from you I deserved. I can't change the past Susie. I can try to change the future. It is better to feel the pain of another rejection, than to regret never trying again at all.

I know there are MANY times/cases/instances of us not getting along, fighting, etc. I am not going to do another walk down memory lane on the good times. This email is not about the past. It is about the present and future. I feel we had MANY happy times. I have MANY great memories. I miss you now like you wouldn't believe. I love you so much, not just as a person, but still love you as a wife. I tried to suck it up and move on, but it's not happening and that can only be for one reason. That you are the one for me. I have changed and would never say so if it weren't true. Sometimes you don't know what you have or had until you lost it. This is painfully obvious to me now.

Thank you for reading this. You are always in my prayers no matter what you decide in the future. I had to try one more time because I have been praying to God to either let me move on or for us to get back together. God has not let me move on. I don't know what message you are getting in your prayers, but I sent this to find out.

I hope you give it some thought. I believe we can be happy with other people, but I know I will never be in love with someone as much as I am in love with you. That is why I am sending this. Please give it some thought.

Love,
xxxxxxx
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Her:
Hi xxxxxx,

I was rather shocked by your email...I just wasn't expecting to hear from
you after our last contact. I really don't want you to be hurting,
I really don't. I don't wish you any ill will in any way, but my feelings
have not changed. I know that's not what you wanted to hear,
and I am sorry. I don't want to hurt you.

What I am about to tell you is not to hurt you, but to help you realize that
it really is over between us. You asked me if the guy I am with is
everything I want in a man, and he is! He proposed to me last week and I
said yes. Please accept this and move on. Please don't ask me again to
re-consider. I am glad you have changed and grown in your Christian life.
I hope you find a wonderful girl and are able to be the kind of husband you
now want to be.

Take care of yourself,
yyyyyy

So sorry to hear about your plight. I know exactly how it feels to want something SO BAD and have it be ignored. I don't actually even know what to say in response to you, just wanted to let you know that if my WH sent me an email like that, I'd have thought I'd died and gone to heaven!! My WH left 9 months ago for another woman, she also left her husband and 2 children, and even tho they aren't actually living together yet, they may as well be. They are fooling noone but themselves. They do everything together, and just went on holiday with her youngest son and a friend of his. Anyways, my point is, that even tho he has lied, deceived me, continues to live in the fog, I still hope somewhere deep inside me that MY husband is not dead - that somewhere beneath all the craziness and darkness there beats the heart of a decent man, a man that will choose at some point to come back.. At this point there have been NO signs whatsoever of him wanting reconciliation.

In your case, as you stated, you wanted the divorce. I am so thrilled for you that you have turned to God, and that God now rules your life! I don't understand your wife, and how she could stop loving you so quickly, but I don't know the whole story. In my case we'd been married 22 years, and I am a firm, totally committed believer in marriage, so I'm having a hard time giving up the hope of reconciliation. Funny thing is, that before this all happened, I'd always assumed that if my husband ever cheated on me he'd be toast, immediately, and now going through this, I find I feel quite differently. Anyways, that doesn't help you...I don't know what to say except what you already are learning; the consequences of our actions can be unbearably hard to accept. It seems our society is becoming one of 'throw away relationships'. I'm feeling a bit jaded these days I admit, but it seems so few people believe in marriage for life anymore - even Christians. That really scares me!!! My WH and OW are both (supposedly) Christians; what kind of a testimony have they shared with their nonChristian co-workers? My heart and soul bleed at the thought of what a mockery is being made of the Christian faith by these sorts of actions. But, I'm getting off track.

Keep seeking God, keep praying, and follow God's lead in your life. He promises us He has "plans for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us". Also remember never to say never. God is in the miracle- making business. If you are truly meant to be reunited with your XW, it will happen. God doesn't force anyone's heart tho. So keep praying, praying, praying, and like all the others here say, work on yourself. Become the best damn Christian man you can be, and believe there is life and joy out there, with or without her. God guarantees it. I'll be praying for you. -nel