<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know that as time goes on there will be fewer and fewer dips in the rollercoaster ride that I'm on, but today is ExH's birthday and OS just called and you can hear them all in the background in the kitchen making a birthday cake for ExH.

I have been moving on just great! So, why does this make me sad?

When we first dated I always made homemade things for ExH, and as he got older, I always made sure that he had a really cool birthday cake on his birthday. He would have never thought that it would be fun to wait until I got home from work and then all make a homemade birthday cake for him together.

Why?!?!?!?

Was I that awful?

I just am thinking that if I have some responsibility for the marriage deteriorating, what was it?

ExH just never enjoyed being with me. He always took me for granted. Always.

I married him to live life with him and from the day we got married, unless I was doing something that he wanted to do, he basically ran the other way.

Is it really the addictive nature of the affair that makes them act this way? Will reality eventually set in? I can't imagine that they are always happy with a new dog that they have to walk twice a day, 6 kids, and a wife that works full time.

Why couldn't ExH be strong enough to work through his own inadequacies and face himself, improve himself and in turn wanting to improve us instead of always looking somewhere else. Of course now he's looking to the OW.

Someone tell me it won't last. Not that I'd want him back, but I at least want the I'm sorry I totally screwed up your life and I'm a big loser speach from him.

Maybe he can give that to me for my birthday in a couple months....... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Just needed to vent.

K

Dear GIIC,
I feel like a freakin' basket case today, too. something in the air, I guess.

THose reminders, little and not so little, of what our lives truly have become can be devastating at times. "How can this be? What did I do to deserve this sort of treatment?"

I wish I had the answers and I am all prayed out. There is nothing left of me in the prayer/faith dept. today. The thing is, one or towo small breaks and my life would be 100% better. God does not seem interested lately.

I do not want my wife back, either, but I, too, want the "What A Big Mistake I made Speech". We deserve at least that much. We have gotten much less.

hope all is better,
c++

Ok. Since it will get my mind off my troubles, and you're all prayed out... pick one of those one or two things that you need prayed for and I'll do some praying for ya, and see what happens.

And deep down you know that God is interested - God didn't put that thought in your mind.

It's ok to get down - heck I just did - but all prayer is is talking to God, so maybe you need to stop saying wrote prayers and just lay it on the line for Him. And hold Him to his promises.

That's what I'm going to do - I have a court date on Tuesday after Labor Day and hopefully the judge will reverse that horrible judgment that I signed when I was possessed.

Things ARE going to get better! K

ummmmmmm....Please pray that my other house sells so that I amy actually be able to pay my bills, and please pray that I find the right direction to go, such as 'regular programming job' or 'private consultant' doing my own work for clients.

Thank you very much.

Did you get my little proto-story?
cpp

And something else.

How do you keep your faith so strong? I am mostly angry with God lately. I feel let down in the worst way by Him. A human parent would not treat a child in this way. Why does he treat us so poorly?

I admire your faith in the face of what is going on in your life. I seem too analytical. Proof of God's Love is what actions he takes. Not good, I suppose, but that is how I am built.

How do you keep your faith?

c++

GIIC,

I understand completely. I don't want him back, I am glad that this chapter of my life is over, she can have him, etc. I'm like you though I'd love to have the priviledge of showing him one day that I have moved on, that he got the bad end of the deal afterall, that I didn't sit around waiting on him to clear the fog. I would like a little begging, groveling, a lot of apologizing, then my response...... ( I can't think of better words so I'll let Travis handle this one):

Here's a Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)"

-You say you were wrong to ever leave me alone
Now you're sorry, you're lonesome and scared
And you say you'd be happy if I you could just come back home
Well, here's a quarter, call someone who cares

Call someone who'll listen, or might give a damn
Maybe one of your sorted affairs
But don't you come 'round here handin' me none of your lies
Here's a quarter, call someone who cares

I thought what we had could never turn bad
So your leavin' caught me unaware
But the fact is you've run..., that can't be undone,
So here's a quarter, call someone who cares

Good luck and God Bless you. You are in my prayers.

Lynn

GICC,

I have been moving on just great! So, why does this make me sad?

There will be triggers on this road to recovery. God will bring you through everything. ( I know that you know that but when you get in the middle of something it's harder to remember)

just am thinking that if I have some responsibility for the marriage deteriorating, what was it?

I had a good friend tell me that what I contributed was that I LET HIM. Ouch. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

you can hear them all in the background in the kitchen making a birthday cake for ExH.
a new dog that they have to walk twice a day, 6 kids, and a wife that works full time.

That's why they are all making the cake together, she doesn't have TIME to do it any other time.
6kids <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

God Bless,

D. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

pp-

I love that song! Too funny, and my Ex hates country music, so it's perfect! And I thought the plan was to go to bed early?! You've had a big day. Take a bubble bath and call it nite!

WGTT - Thanks. Everything you said made perfect sense. I think it really has more to do with him than with me. I just don't want to repeat past mistakes.

cpp-

The secret, is really no secret at all. It's just perserverence. It's faith. It's knowing that God is Good, and that I have to be willing to do His will, follow His plan, not mine.

That's where my Ex messed up. Ex wants control over his life and wants God to fit in whereever it's convenient. Well, we all know where that will get you - or not get you. I also have to believe that when I have no strength left that GOd will give me some of His. And He always does. The bad stuff doesn't go away, but I can handle it alot better.

Oh, and it also helps when Ex gets a copy of my legal pleadings asking the court to relegate him to a set every other weekend schedule and a recalculation of child support monies - on HIS BIRTHDAY! What better present could I give? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> K

<small>[ August 28, 2002, 11:31 PM: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</small>

This is what I think and feel after being married three times and watching people date, get married and sometimes split up. There is a certain personality that likes the chase.
They will do and say anything to get the man or woman that they want-its usually the one that is a little hard to get. They get that person and become husband and wife.
After a time the persuer becomes bored, the other spouse notices and tries harder, the other spouse becomes more complacent.
Further done the road one is very interested in the marriage and the other one isn't.
The only hope at that time is that the "good" spouse becomes more distant so the other spouse notices and needs to "persue" again.
My question is WHY ARE THE GAMES SO NESSESSARY??
I tell you guys that I am ready now for no plan exept to bail out!
I can't because he controls the finances and says if I leave he will see to it that I have nothing. I had a house of my own when I met him and could afford it just fine!
I haven't worked in years and don't even have the self esteme to fill out a job application. He says that the vehicles are his-everything is and he will make me miserable if I leave.
I believe in marriage, but hes out of town working all the time and gives me no attention.He is saying hes going to shut off the internet now. Hes only happy when I am making him happy.If I bring up an uncomfortable subject-he blows up. I have lost all control over my life and feel so low. I always post to hang in their as I am a christian, but I am more lonely, confused and lower than I have ever been.
Does anyone have any good advice for me?I feel so lost and useless. I'm 42 and a "new life plan" again-I can't even imagine!

GIIC,

you are healing just fine, their will betimes when you remember certain events, etc. . . but in the end, it may have been something in your X that you really had no control or influence over. . . at all . . . could just be that is what he knows as a solution, and he executed it, and you (so to speak) it will take about a year, and during that year or so, lern about yourself, read some psychology books to figure out who you are and what you would like if you ever met mr right over there. . .

my gf says that for her to consider marrying someone, that someone would have to go to a certain counselor, and the certain counselor would evaluate me in any way he could, to see if i had any latent issues that would blow up in her face. . . i told her that would be fine if she wanted me to. . . i don't have any secrets to hide, i exorcized tehm with my own counseling. . . and i did it the first time with a counselor and with books, and the second time with a ton of books. . .

so now, i understand people very well, something that no one in my FOO ever taught me, or ever talked about. . . or did i ever discuss with my friends in HS or college. just once in grad school and once about 10 years after grad school at work . . .

as i told my GF who has an idiot X, as does the rest of us, why on earth would you even listen or respect the spouses that are honestly disordered with very mixed up genetics. . . etc. . . i just totally get very frustrated with the control games. . . and as my x said to me in her foggy state. . . I said: "I will drive the kids to school for you whenever you need it, as you are doing it everyday. . . . there will be days and times wheni can't though. . . and i will letyou know. . . " and she said. . . "I shouldn't have to ask, you must always ask, every day." so now, even on different topics, if she doesn't want something to happen one way, she makes up excuses to counter every suggestion i have, until i ask her what she wants, and then she tells me, but not until . . . stupid games. . . .

all control games in her mind. . . and i talk to her as little as possible, because nothing intelligent comes out of her mouth at all. . . .

its just sad. . . but then again, she thinks she is super mom, and that was one reason why she did this. . . because sheis competing with someone else to be a single mom, doing it all also. . . like she gets a prize and sympathy when she needs it. . . . . (barf icon needed here!)

wiftty

I was thinking about this post when I went to bed...couldn't think of an appropriate response (still haven't! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) ...but thought I would put in my 2 cents..

Remember??? wasn't it me just the other day that was feeling awful? It was you guys that picked me up and dusted me off and set me on my way again.

I'm reading a book called "Angry with God"...cause I'm not just angry...I'm annoyed, dissapointed etc... It's OK. Even Jesus was angry with God...how about Job? and think about the lines..."why have you foresaken me?"

When I read your words GIIC...my heart went out to you. The other night my ex drove up with a brand new truck (no child support in sight though). He's built this wonderful new house (but would never do anything in *our* house). My youngest informed me that he introduced her to sushi (although I was never *allowed* to stray from the traditional meat and potatoes), and that they went to all these wonderful places (and yes...we were never *allowed* to do any of those things because either there was not enough money, or he didn't want to). Seems to me, there's a whole LOT that he wants to do and is doing, that he couldn't do for 20 years...no matter how much I begged, asked, or suggested. I did it all, but I was never enough for him.

What I came to realize was I was TOO much for him. It's been posted here before over and over again. I am intelligent, beautiful, funny, compassionate, sincere... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and he wanted someone who could follow behind him instead of BESIDE him. I never wanted to be in front of him. I wanted to face the world with him side by side, tackling life's problems together. Instead I had to face it alone with him taking the credit. He wants someone who is a doormat and would do whatever he wanted so that he would look ohhhhh so big. I finally got tired of being stepped on.

Is it a struggle? You bet it is. You all heard my words the other day. It does make me sad because I am grieving the *what if's* and not what really truly was. As for faith.... I know that God has something indeed wonderful for all of us. We can't turn off our faith because we are going through hard times. Who knows what's happening behind the scenes? Right now, I know what I have to do, and that's to work on MYSELF. Get a great job, concentrate on the time I DO have with my kids, learn some more, devote more of me to God and his works. I don't quite now how that's going to work, but I'm sure the opportunities will present themselves. Meantime...it's back to DivorceCare (to surround myself with like-minded people), continue in my Boundaries class (so that I don't revert back to doormat material!) and keep reading the wonderful works right here...from some pretty incredible people.

Oh...and btw....none of the bill collectors called back since I've decided to turn it over to God.

things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmm....

Make it a great day everyone!

Hi K-

Don't get down on yourself. You feel sadness because your x is doing things he used to do with you, he may even be doing things that you feel he never would have put the effort in for you, and that hurts. To make it worse he is involving your children. Remember though that the A is an addiction. Also remember as far as longevity goes the whole relationship with the OW is still relatively new. Think back to when you and your x were new. Can you honestly say he didn't do things to impress you, go the extra distance, etc. at the beginning? I mean everyone does. It's how relationships work, in the good ones the give and take stays consistent and the relationship grows. In our case our x's majorly lost sight of that plan, even with four kids a piece! I mean even my x did a lot of special stuff at first and as far as our marriage went he was much more of the taking kind.

Also, don't blame yourself for the demise of your marriage. You may have made mistakes along the way, but you tried to work on yourself and the marriage. Your x wasn't interested, you can't contol that.

It will get better. Trust me, I am a little further along this road then you and it has improved for me imensely. Also remember that a big part of us is not so much mourning the loss of what our marriages really were, but rather of our dream of what they could have been. It is a lot harder to give up the dream.

You are a strong, faithful woman. You are an awesome mother. Your x screwed up big time. The best of life is yet to come for you. Keep your chin up and keep the faith! Your in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care and God bless!

K

(((GIIC)))

YOu are probably still grieving the loss of the relationship. The loss of the life you thought you would have.

I did for a long time.

And sometimes I still do. Especially when money is tight and I think of the $42K I had to borrow above pay-off on house so that I could refinance out marital home in my name. So, every month, several hundred of my dollars go to pay off the Volvo he bought right after the quit-claim deed was signed.

But, one day you will be better healed. It takes time. Lots of time, sometimes.

Meanwhile, have you thought about a counselor or a divorce support group?

And it is ok to be mad at God, I think. You know, I think I was taught that he would rescue and fix things when they went wrong. Now I see Him as a companion and support. He is in me and I am in Him. But, things aren't always rosy. But He will give me ways to get through it. And, often, when I am fading fast, His voice comes to me through the radio, a billboard, a friend, any number of ways. Always there.