As previous postings state, my STBXW moved out. She has three separate friends admit to me she is in an affair with a 24 OM. She says they are just friends. One of her friends asked her if she was having an affair and she said "You can't prove sh__!" She is almost arrogant in her denial.

I am turning in the preliminary paperwork tomorrow for the separation (she has not done a thing towards, she just wants out and expects me to do all of the leg work!)

The reason I am doing it, is because I want to make sure I give as little as possible to her. I doing this, I am wondering on the efficacy of using a PI in getting more evidence to nail her butt to the wall (as well as forcing her to admit).

Have others tried this? Is it worth it? I am going to ask my attorney about it tomorrow as well.

Thanks for any help!!!

Pete

Pete,

She is almost arrogant in her denial.

The similarities in our WS's continues to grow.

I am turning in the preliminary paperwork tomorrow for the separation

There is nothing wrong with being the initiator. It just seems that they get so stuck and don't move, kind of like deer in the headlights.

I am wondering on the efficacy of using a PI in getting more evidence to nail her butt to the wall (as well as forcing her to admit).

Pete, what is your motivation to do this? Do you live in a state where you can use this info legally? Do you know in your heart what is going on? Then why do you need more? What will you gain if you do so?

You two have kids together and will always have a R because of that. Don't you want it to be the best possible (at least from your end?)

You sound really angry and probably justifiably so, why not take a deep breath, relax and wait a little while before deciding.

Years ago I used PI but called him off before getting anything cuz wh wanted to work things out. Now he's on strike three and as far as I am concerned, he's out.

God Bless,

D.

WGTT:

I know,I know,I know,I know,I know,....I need to vent. My attorney advised the same thing. I guess my main motivation is because she will still not admit to anything. After reading everything in this forum (believe me this is a God send!!), I know she is in a fog about the A. She wanted to leave, she didn't have the guts to do this on her own accord, so she behaved in a way that gave me no choice but to ask her to get treatment or move out.

Now she wants me to help pay for her apt. I am already going to be paying the $700+/mo on childcare, she is not paying child support because she can't afford it. I told her to have her new boyfriend help. She says he offered but she said no ("...besides he is just a friend!"). Yeah...a friend she stays out with until the early AM (she came home at 10:30 on one Sunday morning, her wedding ring was on the dresser...)

So you can probably make a safe assumption and guess that I am pissed at her for her irresponsibility in all of this. She admitted to me on the phone that I have been a good husband. I did more than half of the cooking, almost all of the cleaning and laundry, took the kids most of the time to their extra curricular activities. Never ever raised a finger towards her, never swore at her (except once when I caught her on the phone with OM--I called her an f---ing idiot). So I feel that I have a right to be pissed that she never comes clean and admits to anything.

I need to look for another job now because my current job requires too many odd hours when I have to give a training class (I am a software trainer); and the kids need more after school stability. I resent WW for forcing me to do this!!! (just venting again)

I got a tattoo last year of a Celtic Cross. I have her initial in center and our four kids' initials in the four quadrants of the cross. She got upset when I told her I want to turn her initial into a circle to blot out the "K"! She said "you're doing this so soon!". (and she says I am controlling?) Hell yes!! I am seeing a counselor now to help. But I still feel like going through the house and ripping up every picture where it is just me and her.

Yesterday at a pyschiatrist, my son was asked "does the separation upset you?" He replied that "not really, my mom was never really around for the past year anyway..." (trust me, I did not coach him!!)

Anyway, thanks ya'll for listening to me vent. I know that I will get over this, but now I am just soooo mad at her, because I feel in my heart of hearts that I did as much I humanly could to make her happy and she still sh-ts all over the marriage.

Maybe it is true what Oscar Wilde says: "Bigamy is having one wife too many, monogamy is the same!"

(p.s., I know it is not true but I am still venting... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Pete,

I know,I know,I know,I know,I know,....I need to vent. My attorney advised the same thing.

This is the place to vent, let it rip then forget it, her actions do not determine your worth or self esteem

I guess my main motivation is because she will still not admit to anything.

Join the club! My WH finally did admit to one that was already finished. That one was with old HS friend, said they laugh about it now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> The ongoing one, the OW2 who is also heavily involved with drinking and drugs, he said was irrevelent and that it happened 3-4 times but they were "just friends" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

(believe me this is a God send!!),

God is good.

She wanted to leave, she didn't have the guts to do this on her own accord, so she behaved in a way that gave me no choice but to ask her to get treatment or move out.

Ditto. I am just realizing now, that he had wanted to leave for a while, but when his Dad got sick that was the perfect opportunity. He just never told me that he was leaving.

("...besides he is just a friend!"). Yeah

Ditto <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> :

So you can probably make a safe assumption and guess that I am pissed at her for her irresponsibility in all of this

Ditto <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I resent WW for forcing me to do this!!! (just venting again)

I know, I know, I know, there is soooooooooooo much I do now and I work hard at not being resentful about it.

Yesterday at a pyschiatrist, my son was asked "does the separation upset you?" He replied that "not really, my mom was never really around for the past year anyway..." (trust me, I did not coach him!!)

My OS told me in Feb of this year not to stay M cuz of us kids, that he had talked to his sister and she agreed, and they would bring the youngest one through this. Dad has been gone for over 3 years

she still sh-ts all over the marriage.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thanks again WGTT!

I did feel much better after venting! I can also use this to record WS actions (just in case!).

BTW vocal venting works great too! Yesterday driving home with the kids, daughter was upset because she was hungry, sons were teasing each other. In order to preserve sanity, I told them we all need to scream as loud as we can for 10 seconds <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> (windows rolled up of course!)

After the screaming, we all laughed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> and the tension melted away, making us all a lot calmer!

Pete,

BTW vocal venting works great too! Yesterday driving home with the kids, daughter was upset because she was hungry, sons were teasing each other. In order to preserve sanity, I told them we all need to scream as loud as we can for 10 seconds (windows rolled up of course!)

That is sooooo funny - we do the same thing - we call them GROUP SCREAMS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It does do wonders for the soul <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

God Bless,

D.

We also do GROUP HUGS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks WGTT!!!

WS called this morning all depressed and in tears due to her period. I mentioned to her that boyfriend should be the one helping to get her settled in since he was one of the main reasons she moved out. She said that relationship is no longer there and that is not an option. I asked who broke up with whom and she didn't answer. She wants to help with kids as much as possible...

Right now if she asked to come back home, I would have to say no. Her mom said "well Hosea did it in the bible". I replied that God actually spoke to Hosea and told him to do that, I have not heard God speak to me yet.

Maybe He will speak to me, but I would think now any voice in my head would be the irrational side and not God.

Hey, vent here and don't vent to your WS! The one piece of advice I can give you is slow down and be patient. We never really are forced to do anything.

I wish my D didn't happen so fast and in time you'll know what you really want.

mowl

Right now if she asked to come back home, I would have to say no. Her mom said "well Hosea did it in the bible". I replied that God actually spoke to Hosea and told him to do that, I have not heard God speak to me yet.

I have heard God say to me, Let go, there's more. I don't get the feeling that i should DV although it is an option. I am going for legal separation. I think what God is telling me is to give my (addicted) WH to HIM and HE would deal with him.

I firmly believe in what the Harley's say in the new Love Busters edition, that a M can't be worked on till the alclhol/drugs stop AND there is no more contact with OP. If and when WH asks to come back, he must me clean and sober and counsel with Steve Harley.

I am headed out tonight with some friends. I live at the beach, so the town is packed. Have a great evening <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless, D.

<small>[ August 30, 2002, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

WGTT & MOWL:

Kids asked me today "Why did you kick mommy out of the house? She says she wants to come home and you won't let her!"

I almost feel like telling the kids everything! (don't worry, I won't!!). I am so pissed now I could spit!!

Pete,

Kids asked me today "Why did you kick mommy out of the house? She says she wants to come home and you won't let her!"

How about - "Mommy's not well, she has a disease and needs to get well first" WH went to a treatment center in 1992 & our kids were ages 11,6 &1 & thats basically what I told them.

Sorry you have to go through this. My kids don't ask much about Dad anymore, he's only been home less than a week this whole year. I am calm (most of the time) and continue to do what God calls me to do - be the best Mom I can be. I think if I freaked then the kids would too. I've told them there are problems but did not get specific. That may change though.

God Bless,

D.

WGTT:

Hope you had a good night on the town!

I called STBX and asked if she said any of that to the kids and she swore she was telling the truth when she says no. I reminded her that she has, many, many occasions said the same thing and swearing the truth, and that turned out to be so untrue! I left it at that...

Did a typical Friday night with the kids...made a pizza and watched a movie with them, then I chased them upstairs and watched a grown-up movie ( not an adult movie!!). I watched a movie called "Snatch" (I swear it is not an adult movie!!!!). It was really good.

Went to bed at 11:00 because lately, I am always getting up at 5:00AM, alarm or no.