Pls forgive me if you already know my background, but for those who don't I'll give a really short synopsis...
My STBX and I were married in 1989.
Marriage wasn't horrible but wasn't great either. He was verbally and emotionaly abusive throughout.
In fall of 1999 he had an affair that lasted at least 8 months. I had found MB shortly after d-day and tried to implement the concepts into our marriage hoping things would get better.
Things didn't get better...the abuse escalted and we separated in Nov 2001. He moved back to California, where he was from originaly and the children and I would stay in our home in Canada. I would contunue to pay the mortgage on the house and would retain the equity when it sold.

Now the vent and q...
At the time of separation we had a custody and child maintennance agreement draw up which I felt was quite fair. We have 3 children. We would have shared custody and guardianship with primary residence going to me. He would pay 800/per month due on the first of every month but to to help him out I told him he could do it in 2 equal payments - the family court justice councellor wouldn't put it in writing because it is too hard to collect if they fail to pay if it isn't done in one payment.
We would share the cost for the children to visit him, which would be every summer for 5 weeks and every second Christmas. I was informed by the family justice councellor that this arangement is very liberal on my part as usually the parent who is being visited is responsible for the entire amount. The kids would also make a weekly telephone call to him on Sunday evenings, which a lot of the time he isn't home for and so we have to keep trying until he is home...I pay for this call as well.
Anyway...enough background in that too...

The kids visited him in July and he called me one week before they were supposed to go and said that since we had discussed it once he wasn't going to pay child support for that month since the kids would be with him I had offered a while ago that he pay only part or half instead of the whole amount to help him out, but he turned it down...<- my mistake I guess I should never had offered. Fair enough I suppose as I had offered.
Last week he called and asked me if I was still selling the house. I said yes and he mentioned that he would have to sign the paperwork as his name was on the paperwork and mortgage...I said that I knew that and he went on to say that his views on what would happen after that have changed.
He now wants half of everything.
I owe him for part of the house.
I owe him for part of the van I drive.
He has been late on child support payments several times but not as late as this month...as I have yet to recieve a payment for the month of August.
He gave me his word that he wouldn't try and take things away from me and I believed him. I din't get things in writing as several people advised me too. My mistake again I guess.
He gave me his word that he would always pay the child support.
I feel tense and on edge now...
Is it unreasonable to expect somebody to live up to what they say?
He says I am being greedy. I don't think so. I have made every mortgage payment since he has left.
I have made repairs and done redecorating and some yardwork.
I am so angry.
I am not a bitter or hateful person but I feel myself hating him more and more.
He is trying to intimidate me into agreeing to give him half of the equity in our home "If you don't agree you may need a good lawyer". stuff like that.
He is my children's daddy and I don't want to hate him. I am so confused and frustrated and heavily laden.
I have school fees to pay, registration fees for the children's activities, school supplies...and no child support payment.
I just feel like crying.
Are my feelings unreasonable?
Am I being greedy?
Pls somebody help me...what should I do??
thanks

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 02:50 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

In my opinion you are not being greedy or unreasonable. You had verbal agreements and he is not going to honor them.

I heard the same things from my WH. Especially the threats (his weren't even veiled) if you didn't give in.

My advice is to get yourself a lawyer. It sounds like you're going to need one. I made a huge mistake in letting my H intimidate me. Here in Texas in cases of infidelity the BS can be awarded 75% or more of the marital assets. I was lucky. My WH only wanted half the cash out of the house. But he refused to pay child support until the divorce was finalized (even though I'd re-financed the house to pay him off before I had to).

My second piece of advice is to take the high road. Do not try to retaliate. Just defend your fair share. It may cost you part of your tongue (from biting it constantly), but you'll be able to sleep at night. Plus, if your WS does happen to emerge from the fog, you'll look like the angel that you are for not being vindictive. (This is what happened in my case.)

Hang in there. That which does not kill us, makes us strong.

Thanks for the advice and the support.
Unfortunately I may have to seek some sort of legal advice. I was really hoping to avoid that. NOt because of the cost...I will probably qualify for legal aid...but just because I didn't want to have the kids watch their parents battle things out in court.
anyway...thanks again.

Hi Nicole,

I don't come around much myself, but always stop by when I see old friends.

I'm sorry you're going through all this... and yes, I think you need legal counsel.

Sad, but verbal agreements are not legally binding... and I know you *want* to trust your stbx, but... you can't.

The one thing I will say, and remember I'm in Ontario and NO expert, but A *thinks* like a Californian (community property, everything measured right down the middle)... but the divorce is Canadian, and what he *thinks* doesn't matter. And I really think he has no legal leg to stand upon on that score.

((((((((((Nicole))))))))))

Sheryl,
It's great to hear from you and I do know that you understand where I'm coming from when I say that he just has a way of saying things that intimidate me and make me feel like I am completely helpless and have no recourse.
The thing that is "funny" in all this is he had always said when somebody was divorcing where one party had had an affair or had been abusive or was the one who was "more responsilbe" for the demise of the marriage that they should get nothing...they deserved nothing because of what they had done...well now that the shoe is on his foot he sees things differently I guess.
Anyway...
thanks again Sheryl and all
I will make an appointment next week for legal aid and take it from there.

<small>[ August 30, 2002, 11:45 PM: Message edited by: Patient Love ]</small>

Well,
Here it is the 5th of September and still no child support for August!!!!!
I am hoping it is in the mail.
With it being a long weekend it may have taken a bit more time...but how much longer.
May have to check into how to collect when payments aren't made.
Anyway, just thought I'd offer a bit of an update to my life that is dealing with Arik.
Thanks to all ...
Nicole

Hi, Nicole!

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Here is the Rol Me Away take on it all:

I still maintain that I feel a large reason (maybe even the largest) a WS has an affair/affairs is due to control issues. Your H has control issues and this "change of heart" about the money is nothing but a control issue.

The CS support money is due you for YOUR CHILDREN. So what if they spent 5 weeks in the summer with him. That money goes for food, clothing, healthcare, shelter, etc. There will likely be times you don't quite need the entire $800 one month, and likely many more months you could use alot more than the $800. The $800 is an average, not exact expense.

Your stbxH has no legal right to make arbitrary decisions about how much money he will pay you in any given month. The courts will stand by you. Notify legal aid and they will likely have to give him official notification that he is arrears, via a certified letter.

The house will be settled in the divorce. My exH told me one thing concerning our home as we were preparing for divorce and then abruptly changed his mind 180 degrees. In the end, it benefitted me greatly financially, although it did originally cause a huge financial strain to me. You need to follow the legal aid guidance to maximize your rights in accordance with Canadian laws. I hope that you have filed first, so the divorce will go with your law, instead of US law.

Just remeber one thing. You can not expect your stbxH to play fair. He just isn't going to do it. All that "noble" talk becomes, in retrospect, nothing but talk. He is just not a man you can depend upon to keep his word in any fashion. He just keeps his word as long as it is something he WANTS to do.

Hmmmmmm......sound familiar????? Desiree

Patient Love -

Roll Me Away put it beautifully.

And don't worry, your kids can be shielded from whatever happens in court.

You are fighting for your kids and you need to get things settled now instead of trying to get it out of him later, because it won't happen.

This is the time to be strong. I too was in yor position. It was pointed out to me that I could not even properly negotiate with my ExH because of his control over me, and so he took advantage of that position and now I'm trying to right the wrong.

I have heard too many stories of H's promising the moon - and you want to believe them because you think - how could they not pay for their own kids, they love the kids - but IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!

Your kids will thank you later. Get counseling or go to an al-anon group to get the strength that you need to get through this time. You need to get to a position of equal footing with him and you have to learn how and get the support to make that happen.

It's possible to do - I'm working on it myself and I definitely see progress.

K

Thanks Desiree and God is in Control,

I know you are both right. I just wish it could have been different.

It's Sunday...the day for the kids weekly call to him. He was away all weekend last week and didn't return their call. I really don't understand what is going on in his head. He's said over and over again that he didn't want to end up like his parents...not showing up for scheduled visits...well this weekend phone call IS his visitation...sounds a bit familiar to me. Anyway...enough complaining out of me for now.

Much love to all.