My husband of two years just lost his father 2 months ago. He is living with his mom and even sleeping in bed with her. He says he just does not love me anymore. I don't understand how he can fall out of love and why he has pushed me away as soon as his dad was killed. All he does is spend time with his mom and our son. I have shown him I am here for him but he does not want me around. Why is this? It is hard to not make him mad anymore. He says it is just not fair to me and he letting me go because this new mean, unhappy guy is the new him and he knows I won't be happy. What do I do or don't do to get him back? I know it will take a long time but my family is worth it to me. Any advice from someone who has lost a parent or similar? I need to understand this so I can help and not add any more hurt.

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 04:45 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Hanora is right. <P>My spouse acted different toward me too following the tragic death of his mother. He even told me he felt he had to take his mother's place for his dad. He felt responsible to care for his dad who was so dependent on her. Maybe this is what your spouse is doing, trying to make up for your mother's lost spouse. He may feel he has to do this for now immediately following the tragedy. Hopefully both he and his mother will realize soon that he doesn't need to be there all the time and he will return to you.<P>He could be acting out of shock, the loss of trust you suddenly feel about life in general when someone you love is unexpectedly tragically pulled from you. He is not sure where his trust is right now in anything or anyone. Don't take it personal. Grief can cause people to act unusual. <P>I don't know if you have lost someone close to you, but you can feel like a different person after the death, and you're sure you will never be the same again. Of course, you won't be exactly the same, but the grief stages are not permanent. Your spouse thinks his current anger state is permanent. It's not. He doesn't know how to get through it yet but the pain will lessen. <P>Tell him you don't expect that he can bounce back quickly, that it is understandable that he will feel angry right now. But that you love him regardless of his pain and anger.<P>In grief, some relationships can get closer, while others are strained for a while. The rule of thumb is to not make any major decisions during the unstable time of grief if you don't have to, especially dissolving a marriage! <P>No two people grieve exactly alike, so you may not understand each other for a while. But each of you need to do whatever you have to in order to heal and go forward. I went to grief seminars, support groups, read books, journaled. My spouse dealt with grief in very unhealthy ways for himself and that damaged me. But hang in there! Get outside support for yourself if needed until your spouse can relate to you better.<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Renae (edited August 04, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Renae (edited August 04, 2000).]

Thank you guys for your responses! I needed someone to tell me to stick it out because everyone around him and me thinks us divorcing is the best thing. Our problems began when we had our son and he just up and left me one day. For 9 months I lived alone with our son and he lived with mommy and daddy, bill free with no responsibilites. He lied and ran around and did not help support us at all. Then I caught him sleeping over at another woman's house one day and he suddenly wanted me back! I could just now forgive him and truly feel safe again, until he started to change to his old ways. Maybe I am inconsiderate but I just can not accept that grief makes you this way. If he was distant and unloving, I could handle that because I could understand that. But I have a problem with him leaving me for his mom and acting just as everything is normal. When someone is grieving, no matter what stage they are in, yes, you may not have much control over your emotions but you DO have control over your actions. I do not think that our "love bank" had enough "chips" in there yet for me to survive this, though. I have been to counseling with my pastor for the whole past year because of him and I know he will not go. It took all I had to get over the resentment and to trust him again and now he is screwing it up again! Sometimes I wonder if this is going to be the pattern for the rest of my life. "When H is having troubles, Mommy will save him. When H is scared, seek shelter with Mommy. No need to give any affort when H doesn't want to." I am pretty much broke because I have my son most of the time, bills each month and he does not even go to work, now. (Because he is too stressed.) On top of that, I am so lonely that I could scream! Go ahead and tell me what you think, please! It is hard for me to be compassionate when I see no reason why he can not support his family. (To me his family is his wife and children, not his blood family.) Maybe he feels obligated to his mom and he can not leave. It was like he had to pick from the two of us. This is going to cause so much more resentment and distrust that we will have to start over again. Any possible way to fix it - I am hopeless. Comments?

I changed my former post before I saw yours, so you might want to re-read that. But also, now, your last post adds a whole other dimension to your first one! Is it possible for your pastor to confront him and get some concrete answers about what he's doing and why? If he is being immature, he needs to be confronted with this by the pastor and encouraged to give priority to his marriage and family responsibilities as the Bible says. You should not be in the position you are! He needs to be made accountable for his actions! He may have needed a short time off work, but not for an indefinite period of time! Harley's policy of joint agreement kicks in here--you both must agree to what arrangements are made financially, etc. Patterns of immaturity need to be broken.

My H works Fr, Sa, and Su and I have our son from Th evening to Su night. I want to start having my son every other night, too. I have never wanted a seperation and because he left, he took away some precious time from me and my son, too. I do not want to fight about this especially during this crisis but he has threatened to get a lawyer if I do not let him have him Su night through We night. Why is he doing this? If I knew he was reacting from grief then I could work through it but I think he is just being selfish and immature. You guys have suggested no major changes right now but I have been submissive to everything for a long time and this is something I feel strongly about. I don't want to fight! Anything?

The "no major changes" means postponing<BR>major issues that can wait and not making a decision to divorce when the grief is so new. <P>But arrangements for both of you to be with your son should be done now for his sake as well as for you both as parents.<BR>Your son should have some stability, knowing where he will be, especially with all the other stresses going on. I hope you can reach a reasonable agreement on this now.

Hey Renae, I did not mean that "major changes" about our son. He was talking about a divorce and a whole custody battle. But actually, any of this is a major change to me! I mentioned what you said about the no major changes and I think it is a good idea but I guess he thinks his mind is made up.<BR>We (or I) have decided to go ahead and let him have our son the other nights. That is the only option I have without fighting. I hate not seeing my son.<BR>Thank you for responding, Renae. I have read your topics and I am not sure what I want to say to you or I would write to help you! Let me think about it for a while.<BR>

Have you as a couple gotten counsel from a pastor or marriage counselor? I think it is so important to do this before jumping into divorce. Ask your spouse if he would be willing to do this. <P>Some situations that felt hopeless could in reality be worked through with help. Your spouse sounds immature and needs to be made accountable to someone for his attitudes and actions. Find a Christian counselor who deals with marriage and grief. Divorce will not solve his immaturity, for sure!!<P>I send you hugs of comfort and send prayers up for you! I really feel for you right now...I know what it's like to have a difficult, immature spouse, even one who treated me abusively during his grief years. Keep your confidence in the God who loves you! He has been a source of continuous help, strength, and healing to me over the years!!<BR> ~Renae

Renae,<BR>Thank you for your response! <BR>After we got back together, he agreed to counseling with my pastor but since we got along so well, we never went. Even if we had gone, I don't think it would make much of a difference now. <BR>I went to a Women's Ministry Group today for counseling. The lady was so nice and I think she can help me a little more than my pastor. She told me she admires my will to stay in my marriage and she agrees that I really have no reason to divorce. (according to the bible) I said thank you! You are the first person (besides you guys here) that has told me that! She told me to pray, pray, pray and to give it a small break with my husband.<BR>Last night, my dad and I got in fight because it says in the bible for a wife to submit to her husband and as a husband you should not provoke your wife. (in other words) He says since my h provokes me that I do not have to submit to him and I should get a divorce because our covenant was broken. HUH?! I think I know what he means but I don't think I agree. I think that God hates divorce and marital separartion and unless my h commits adultry or is dangerous to me, I have to stay and turn it over to God's hands and have faith in Him. But my friends and family say, "but do you think that God would want you to live like that?!" I don't know!

You are right to submit to God first, as you are doing, and you have the right attitude to want to correct the wrong and save the marriage. You are doing right to get support through this lady, also.<P>The past situation is different than what's going on now because there is grief involved too and the threat of divorce. So, I believe you should insist on counseling with the pastor/counselor NOW. According to Matt. 18: 15-17 when someone offends us, we go to them privately first, then if they do not change, we take two or three others with us to confront him, and finally we go to the church/counselor. This is the process of correcting wrong/offenses in a Biblical manner. <P>Based on this, you and I have confronted our spouses privately first. My spouse heard from another person too. Now last night I insisted that we must make an appointment with another Biblical counselor or church pastor who will hopefully do more to confront my spouse on the ways he continually offends me. If he does not take correction, then God will lead me to the next step....<P>It takes alot of courage in the Lord to stand up for what is right in our marriages, but God is on our side!! I fasted a couple days this week....this bondage must be broken!! Let's keep praying for each other! Pray for victory!<BR>Hugs, ~Renae<p>[This message has been edited by Renae (edited August 10, 2000).]