I know this is a board for the divorced and getting divorced, but I'm a single who has become part of a "getting divorced" scenario. I felt like you guys might be able to offer some insight.

Here goes: 30yr-old, never been married single meets early 40's 'getting-divorced' man. (Roughly 16-year marriage.) The breakup is not an infidelity issue. I'm really attracted to this guy and vice versa, but I feel like he's not free to pursue a relationship with me until his D is final. I'm sayin let's be friends until you've settled your affairs (not to mention I was needing to make some decisions about the unhappy relationship that I was in) but he seems to want to move full speed ahead in making love deposits for a relationship between us. I really like him, we enjoy each other's company immensely but my moral convictions (which seem to come and go) make me feel so wrong for being close to him. He's really hungry for affection and love and so am I, but I don't want a relationship built on us meeting those needs for each other at an exceptionally needy time for both. I also contend that he needs healing time from the breakup without the strain and requirements of a newly developing relationship. He doesn't agree.

To be frank, we're both very horny and already slept together once, but I'm just at a point where I'm trying to put the brakes on...I'm telling him - look, just handle your business before we keep going down this road. I very recently kissed my own relationship goodbye - though it wasn't much of a relationship to start with - and it's just all too junky. I shouldn't have to feel bad about believing a good relationship needs a fresh emotional start...not trying to build a little...wipe a lil' old stuff off the slate...build a little more...wipe some more goop off...build a little more...and on and on. If we get into a full-blown relationship now, that's exactly what I feel like will be happening.

I'd like to know what you think...good or bad.
Thanks,
Kyleigh

Well, I realize I don't know the guy-or you either- but red flags kept going up in my head as I read your account.
"Almost divorced" is not divorced. He's a married man still, even if only technically, but he wants a relationship with you-not just friendship. Ask yourself what this says about his view of marriage. Does it fit with your view of marriage?
He is disrespectful of your boundaries and your concerns now. Is he likely to become more respectful as time goes on?
He wants his needs met right now, without having to mourn for his lost marriage and heal from it. Doesn't this suggest he's going to want his needs met immediately once you're a couple, and maybe not cut you any slack if they aren't?

And with him not actually being divorced, you don't even know he won't turn around and go back to not-quite-ex in the end.

He may be a genuinely good guy who is just acting like a jerk right now because he is in pain. You are right on target in believing he needs to recover from his lost marriage before starting a new relationship. Neither you nor I can make him do that, though. The only way you can control this situation is to decide what YOU will do-will you continue to see him, knowing he wants a romance, that he is not really divorced, and that sex is likely to continue to be a part of this relationship? I have no idea of knowing whether or not that is the right thing for you to do, but you do know.

Sometimes it helps to ask yourself, "Five years from now, when I look back on this situation, how will I wish I had handled it?" To me it sounds as though your behavior is in conflict with what you believe is right.

I think you should back way off. He is not divorced yet. He is still legally married no matter what he is going to do. The thing you have to ask yourself is " If he were to try and restore his marriage would I be the one to hinder that". He needs all the space he can get right now in order to go through his thoughts without any outside influences. If he were to decide to try one more time to put the marriage back together he needs to be able to give all his energy and thoughts to doing just that. You have already influenced him a little with your presence because he sees you as someone good right now. His wife doesn't really have a chance because of you. To me it is not fair to him or his wife to have somebody around influencing his thought process during such a vulnerable time in his life.

If you think about it you have already had an affair with this man because he is not divorced. Is this how you want to start out your relationship?

I hope I haven't been to hard on you but I just think his thought process is kind of whirling right now. He needs to really be free of his wife and the only way he will be able to come to that decision is to do it on his own without having to think about someone else.

I guess my best advice is to pray about it and I think you will have the answer right there with you.

Love in Christ
cajunky

Looks like two people having rebound relationships. And one of you has slept with a married man.

Sorry to be blunt, but.......I don't think this is a good idea.

I was young and naive and met my STBX H when he was separated. Never knew anyone before who was either, as I was in my very early 20's and from a sheltered life. Because he hadn't been married very long before and the fact that his STBXW was living several states away, it made it easier for us to date. My dad was wary of him. I should have listened to my parents. But he was soo smooth and I didn't know what I was getting in to. Needless to say, five years later he repeated his past again. Only difference now is there is an innocent, loving, precious child caught in the cycle of repeating sin. I have asked forgiveness from God long ago about that but my WS has not. Learn from me, I used to be naive when I was young. I learned the hard way.

I agree w/everybody here and can say from experience that you shouldn't date this guy. Are you discussing the MB principles with him? You said he was depositing love units into your account? Don't even go there. He is not an account holder and can't meet the requirements of your banking institution. ( I have very dry humor). I have been separated for 14 months now and filed since 9/01. I just now a few weeks back went out to dinner a couple of times, but felt horrible like someone sucked out my heart. I can have friendships with other guys, but nothing that my heart is capable of entering. Guess that is just God's way of letting me know that although I've been alone for so very long now, that I'm not ready to move on into another relationship. Believe me, it's not easy being alone, but the last thing you want is a guy who is not yet over things, using you as some kind of band aid to cover over his boo boos. Let him heal and either draw the line @ friendship or leave him alone period.

I almost think that b/c you two started off kinda dating, it soundslike, that you should totally cut the cord b/c friendship is something built over time. And you said they are divorcing and adultery had nothing to do with it? Pleeease. That's a line of poop he's feeding to you. My StBX told his OW that we "weren't friends anymore" and that "it was just a marriage on paper" and other stupid excuses to get her to see him. Come on, he's married and is wanting to date you. Enough said. Please, you are here and if you read my posts or most others, you'll see that the WS's try to use all kind of stupid validations to justify their actions or lack of. Don't buy the new age feel good poopy relationship stuff. Stick to the facts. He's married. If he's in a fault state, and his W finds out about you and they are in the D process, guess what...You legally are the OW and there are all sorts of fallout from that, not to mention ugly courtroom stuff at the least.

You seem so nice and are truly wanting a balanced relationship. You are here learning good principles and approaches. Use them and lose him. Be the dumpee and save yourself while you still can. God bless you and I wish you all the love and happiness in the world.

Please, don't do it. You are possibly setting yourself up for a lot of hurt and when it hits it will be incredibly painful.

'nuff said

Hi,

My personal opinion is, don't do it.
I got involved with a separated guy, who's my H now, and while it was wonderful to start with, the pay back time comes later. It can take some years, sometimes just few months.
My H had been separated for about 4 months when we met. He lied and told me he was divorced. I found out few months later he wasn't, by that time I was too attached to back off.
D is never easy to go through, it doesn't make any difference whether the love for an ex spouse has died or not. It's still a major crisis and some people medicate the pain by jumping into new relationships.
My H is a good example of that. He has never had a decent gap in between his relationships.
I was blamed to have caused his second D. Or at least I was partly responsibl of him not going back to his ex. All that unresolved grief has to be projected somewhere else. This happens when going gets tough, ex wife is absolutely wonderful, current W no good, and OW is the love of their life. What a mess.
Both I and H's second W started as rebound relationships, and while he was still legally M, you could call us OW. H's A with OW#1 started 5/00 and has since crashed and burned. H despises her now. He's now on OW#2 and thinks this one's going to last...
Well, after hearing about OW#2 I decided to file.The news were too much for me. H knows this, and also knows I still love him and don't want this D. God help OW#2 when things go wrong, H is quaranteed to point the blaming finger at her.She may be comforting H through D now, filling his needs.She's also separated(OW#1was freshly D'd) so it can turn into a R of two people using each other. And by the time one is "healed" and comes out of fog, they walk.

At this time, I trust I have gained so much emotional strengh, I can draw a clear boundary not wanting to get involved with anyone who's separated or in a process of D. And even with D'd,
I would want to make sure the issues which led to D have been handled appropriately.Also I don't think it is fare for anyone to have me and all my baggage loaded on their shoulders. I am not ready, when I am emotionally balanced and whole again, then I'll look around for a R. I want to do it right next time.

K, I agree with Peachy, you sound like a good person, you are young and single, there are plenty of nice single guys around. And if this now D'ing guy is really the one, maybe you could get together some time later. And then it wouldn't be a rebound R. You know what's best for you. There are so many things to consider. How long has he been separated?
Is there any children? Does his W want the D? Have they tried to reconcile?(If yes, Big warning bells, he could be waffling back and forth for ages!)Have you met his W? (this could help you form a more realistic picture of this guy, he may not be honest with you, especially if he's badmouthing the ex)Wh actions he took to save the M?

I read this somewhere and wrote it down:

Before you start dating ask yourself:

-Do I want someone to replace my spouse?
-Do I want someone to replace the emptiness?
-How often do I still think of him/her?
-Have I cleaned the house emotionally&physically?

"Start dating when it's not your main focus, when you would like to be with someone,
not when you need to be with someone, when you are just fine with and by yourself, you will
be attractive to someone who is emotionally healthy."

Take care

Thanks guys. I appreciate your candor. I really need that. I'm hearing you all. And some of the stuff you're telling me, strangely enough, is stuff that I've already told him.

As for what elspeth said, "To me it sounds as though your behavior is in conflict with what you believe is right." You are so right. That's the story of my whole freakin' life and I get sooo mad at myself for it!!!! I'm always doing stuff to please others (especially men) at the expense of what I believe is right, or what my heart is telling me.

I can't tell you how badly I wish I could go back and erase the day we slept together. I knew it was wrong and so did he. And we indulged ourselves anyway. He had a way of making it feel ok. “I’ve already committed adultery when I looked at you”…I supposed that made it ok to go ahead and complete the act. And so once again – as I seem to have gotten good at – I silenced the voice of my better consciousness, ignored the voice of a guiding Father, disregarded the inner thoughts of conviction and pure d*mn COMMON SENSE and indulged in the pleasure. Calgon, take me away! Knowing full well that the guilt would eat away at me when it was over…just like it always does. But I’ve learned to shut that out too. It's amazing what the lack of love and affection will cause a woman to do. And I’m not just blaming him…as much as I wanted to do the right thing in my consciousness, I also wanted the ‘fix’ that he provided. The really sad part is I strongly believe you reap what you sow...so now that I've slept with this woman's husband, I feel like I'm doomed to reap the same harvest when and if I ever get married.

Sometimes I feel like I just can't win for losing! I've battled fornication for so long. I'm not happy with myself when I know I'm KNOWINGLY doing things outside the will of God. And my sexual libido seemed to have gone into overdrive right around the time I was turning 30 and trying to make a quality decision to turn things around...tryin' to shake the stronghold of sexual immorality and stop wasting time on futile relationships. But I have needs. Needs not easily silenced. I’ve began to wake up from my sleep in intense orgasms, and those sweet dreams don’t help any! I've prayed about my needs, my desires, the lust. Asked Him to curb the desire 'til marriage. But I'm not sure God answers that kinda prayer...maybe he's put it back on me wanting me to learn restraint in the face of temptation. Asked him for a husband. (Hell, I don't want somebody else's - really!) That seems to be slow coming. There aren’t a lot of people I can talk to face to face about this kinda thing. (I suppose that's why I'm here.) Churches have recovery ministries for everything else except sex addictions - though I don't know if I should go so far as to say I'm addicted. Half the time you can't talk to the church people in any real and honest sense anyway...without getting labeled, judged, beat down and squashed a little further in the dirt than you already feel.

I just want to want to do what's right (read that carefully), but when it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle, I just quit fighting. I'm beyond praying for strength to do what's right - I have to pray to first DESIRE righteousness and purity. 'Cause most of the time I don't feel like I want the 'right' thing bad enough. Just enough to still feel some kinda connection to God, I guess. I feel so stupid and so weak right now. And lonely. I never let myself get to a state of depression, but something’s gotta give. I know I can do better. I know I was meant for better. I just don't want to self-destruct over this thing...

Kyleigh

P.S. Whoever brought up those legal points about being the OW, thanks a million. I hadn’t for once thought about that, and I really don’t want to be the cause of a messy breakup.

Sorry for being so long-winded...

Kyleighneedslove,

I have to concur with that the others are saying. This is a married man - one who is right now disrespecting the boundaries of marriage. I know you feel "bonded" to him already - but he is still bound by law and decency to his wife. Maybe he is a great guy, but this is not a great situation he has gotten himself into.

And, as other have said, don't believe everything he tells you. Does his wife know about your relationship? Does she have any objection? Does she agree that there was no infidelity involved in their divorce? Do they have children? What do the kids have to say about their Dad's present behaviour?

I know it must be hard, but a little pain now can save you a heap of pain later. I recommend that you walk (or run) away.

-AD

<small>[ March 24, 2003, 05:41 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

BearsInForest:
As for your questions, "How long has he been separated? Is there any children? Does his W want the D? Have they tried to reconcile? Have you met his W? What actions he took to save the M?"

- not even separated, still living together in a roommate-type situtation
- no children
- Reconciliation has been tried (on his part) over and over and over for a number of years now
- W is unresponsive to his needs and from what he's shared, she's basically shut down completely on him. I'm not sure if she wants the divorce, but it certainly doesn't sound like she wants the marriage.
- He's tried to reason with, talk to, reconcile with her and initiated counseling for them, all to no avail. In his exasperation, he filed after these struggles over the past few years. I asked all the questions about whether he was listening to whatever she says her needs are...he says he's bent over backwards to respond to those needs - again to no avail.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kyleighneedslove:
<strong>...I'd like to know what you think...good or bad.
Thanks,
Kyleigh</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You sound so much like another really nice lady who posted on this Board a month or so ago, don't remember her name, but she did the EXACT same thing you are doing NOW. She got involved with a 'nearly divorced' man - really nice chap, they got very much in love with each other, things were looking good then: BAM! O I'm sorry honey, I miss my ex wife so I'm going back to her, I'm sorry I hurt you, yadda yadda yadda. BOTTOM LINE - this nice lady realized too late that he only USED HER to meet his needs - then he dumped her... She was heartbroken - the divorced man just didn't care what he had done to her - he 'played' her to get what he wanted. Too bad for the nice lady...
If YOU want to be in that same lady's shoes, well, you have already gotten an excellent start. Please give this man up - until he is OFFICIALLY divorced, he's CHEATING on his wife. Let him be alone awhile - if he's really interested in you like he says, then he certainly will be willing to wait for you...
Harold

Ok. I am actually doing my own thing with my divorcee disco tonight..But I am waiting for some tracks to load and sipping some iced tea.

Anyway, sounds like he is feeding you a heaping smelly pile of horse manure with a little whipped cream and sprinkles on top to cover up all the awful stench. It's the newer version of the ancient lie--"my wife doesn't understand me". Mine used those exact same lines on his OW. It's nothing but poop.

Ok. I didn't really know you slept w/him until reading the last post from you. One thing I know about sex addiction is that it stems from you really needing something else. Needing something fulfilling in your life. And you're wrong. Alot of churches offer counseling within. Start there and then find a support group.

Sure I miss that part of a relationship, but I could have that with anyone. Anyone is not good enough, and not acceptable to me or my faith. It doesn't make me uncool, just waay heads above the rest of them out there on the singles market.

Cut it off cold with him. Also search your soul, journal in a book your thoughts and find something you like to do, a new hobby or as psychos would probably say after paying mucho dinero to them, switch vices for a while and tame that other vice in the process. And starting with a church single's group at a huge church wouldn't be a bad move either. Wouldn't it be great to find a H at God's house? Could you ask for more?

Get positive. Get reactive. Get on with life and place faith in the driver's seat. And dump the cheating loser. I'm the one who told you about how being the OW can cause legal problems. Why? B/c I live in a fault state and plainly on the divorce petition I state my reasons for dissolving the marriage and right after the declaration of his adultery, I listed the name, entire name, of his mistress stating something like this...repeated adultery with Ms. monkeyho, among others..I did this b/c I'm gonna call sin for what it is. And can you guess if this goes to court who will be called by my attorney as a hostile witness? OW. She broke up w/him a few weeks back, probably b/c she realizes that I mean business. I'm not going to attempt to hurt her or do anything, just hold her accountable to the sin she partook in.

Gotta go. Think about this. Now's your chance to start anew.

KY,

I did not read what everyone has posted to you, I am tired and need some sleep but your title on thread caught my intention.

Just wanted to share with you.......
My STBX is almost divorced too however I haven't signed the papers.

He thought things would be done already so moved OW from FL to UT 1st of July, Daughters coming to visit 31 July, agreement says no co-hab, OW has to move.

STBX had to tell his Air force boss that he was living with someone other then his wife, big no no in the AF, boss said move her out now!!! Had to rent a 2nd apartment for OW. Divorce papers didn't get signed in Aug either (his lawyer lost papers)so another month of paying for 2 apartments which leaves no extra money for kids, when I asked for extra $$ to help with school supplies and activities.

STBX may still lose his 24 year military career for committing adultery.

To me it is very sad to see where my STBX has allowed his life to go thinking that he was an almost divorced man.

My thought is to tell you to run as fast as you can in a direction that he is not!!! My 2 cents worth from experience.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">- W is unresponsive to his needs and from what he's shared, she's basically shut down completely on him. I'm not sure if she wants the divorce, but it certainly doesn't sound like she wants the marriage.
- He's tried to reason with, talk to, reconcile with her and initiated counseling for them, all to no avail. In his exasperation, he filed after these struggles over the past few years. I asked all the questions about whether he was listening to whatever she says her needs are...he says he's bent over backwards to respond to those needs - again to no avail. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you be sure all of this is the truth?

The reason I am asking is this:

My WW's OM told her all the usual lines. You see, he was married too.

OM told my WW that his W had gone "cold" on him. Nothing happening. But first, let me tell ya this one....OM got severely pissed at my WW when she left me. She said she couldn't understand why he would get mad. Heck, she was then officially a "threat". Might see her anyday on his doorstep.

Anyway, back to my original point of "do you really know?". Like I said, OM told my WW that there was no "lovin' going on". Guess what? OM's W got pregnant.

As a rule of thumb...No doubt he's lying to his W about you. Probably lying to you about her, either blatantly OR by ommission.

HCII

K,

I still suggest to talk to his W. If this is not possible, one of his closest friends, sister or brother or other close relative. I wish I would have done this.(I have had long discussions with H's 2nd W, and a whole lot of crap has come out in daylight, and yes, she's a great lady. H made me saw her in such a negative light, and silly me , I believed him!!!) I know it's not easy, because it could burst the fantasy bubble. He may not be the man you think he is. How long have you known him?
It all depends how seriously you want to take this R. You deserve to know the truth. And from there you can make your decisions. I don't know the guy, you have to be the judge here. Just please don't let your "in love, sexual attraction" feelings fog your common sense. I quess some of us (me included!) have to learn the hard way. M and two babies later, you can imagine the amount of heartbreak...if only I had known the truth....

This is just my opinion, but I think you jumped the gun in a lot of area's. I look back when I was a teenager and thought I knew what love was only to find out it's a process and going into marriage I had a lack of knowledge that made the whole thing very hard years later. Now that I'm single again after 21 years [not my choice] I don't want to make the same mistakes at the beginning therefore education is great and when the time comes to pursue another relationship, i'll be ready.

** If you read these books you'll find where you messing up now and will suffer later.

"Mars and Venus on a Date": 5 Progressions of a new relationship. This will also tell you what turns you on if you feel a pulling inside you by OP and if you are a BS you'll see why your WS went into la,la land.

"The Rules": About not jumping to soon emotionally and physically into a relationship when meeting someone new and how to prevent from getting involved with someone further when now they know the family, friends, but oops, you made a made mistake they're not who they say they are. This book gives insight to keep you from going this far into new relationships and getting hurt later. By Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

I am sorry, but I am not nearly as compassionate regarding this whole AFFAIR. And yes, that is exactly what it is. You know that it is inappropriate, and yet you are here looking for support. Thinking that if you find someone on "This side of the situation that will OK it then it is alright."

Listen to yourself, then put yourself in the position of an outsider hearing what you are saying. He has not even left his home, nor has his wife. Maybe he has filed, but he is no where nearly divorced by his own actions. And yet you are here looking for acceptance for your actions and involvement in a whole family. Regardless of how hard of times that family is having at the current time.

Let me tell you how it is from the side of the wife/betrayed spouse in this situation. My wife became bored, tired, whatever, I still do not understand with our marriage. She went outside it at least twice with at least two other EAs. She found a "wonderful" man to "talk with" at a local bar. He is an older divorcee. I am sure that she told him all the horrible things about me that she could think of or make up. I am sure that she told him about how unhappy she was and how I could never change and meet her needs. I am sure that she told him that she no longer loved me. I really don't know what she told him, but whatever it was allowed her to find support from this man in whatever form she found it. Instead of him saying "go work on your marriage", he instead comforted her and helped her to tear our family asunder. Now our home is shattered and my children will never again get to kiss their mom and dad at bedtime again. They will never again get to be awakend by daddy and see mama over his shoulder.

My wife found support that relieved her of her responsibilities to her family. Now that family is no more. She thought that she was so terribly lost in our marriage I guess, I don't know, but I do know that after I found out about her "first, I think" affair, I understood just how lacking I had been. But she had already crossed the line of infidelity, and it gets easier everytime. Everything that I did to change and make our marriage whole was tinged with the thought of this other man and the fantasy life she had with him. No responsibility, no fights, no anger, just sex and "love" and support. Well, I can tell you, it is easy to have all those things with a husband/wife at home taking care of the bills, kids, house, etc.

You are wrong. Dead and simple. there is nothing about marriage that says you do what you want if things get tough. You don't sleep with a married man, no matter what. You don't put yourself in the position to pull a family apart. You don't become involved at all in a family and marriage, because being married is hard enough without having these fantasies coming and insinuating themselves into tough times.

Nothing is as sacred as the family except a relationship with God. As you try to find this acceptance for your behavior, think about the type of man that would do what he is doing. Is that the type of man that you want to be married to? Do you want a man that can go outside of YOUR marriage to find his peace, rather than confront his problems and deal with them? I understand that he has told you that he is trying, but that doesn't mean that he is no longer married. He has not shown that he is truthful, simply because he is lying as he speaks with you in such a way. He is lying to his wife.

If he is real, he will finish the divorce and heal before he looks for another relationship. Otherwise you are geting broken goods, and the way you are going about it you help in the breakage.

My thoughts from the other side. I know alot of anger is involved in my retort, but damn it, it is just the way it is. You are wrong for being involved with a married man. Pure and simple. Get out and leave him completely alone. If he really needs this divorce, then he will get it on his own, without the promise of "something better" on the other side. Everybody knows that the grass is rarely greener.

ok. Have you gotten an answer to your question yet kylie? I think you do.

Hope you are at a church somewhere visiting today. I will pray for you again today and hope that instead of posting about the mental anguish of "I love him, I know it's wrong, but I am an addict and can't stop" that you instead let us know how you are taking steps to leave this loser. Heck,wrong verbage. You can only leave someone if you are living with him and he lives with his wife..So stop seeing him. The lies and coverups he has fed you have now been revealed for what they are.

How many families do you need to cite as references in your quest to find the right answer? Mine was one torn asunder. Only God could intervene now. And that is my only hope. I am going through with the D b/c I gave him every chance and this is the end result of an extremely long plan b. Maybe one day he will see the light; maybe not. But I am moving forward irregardless of his decisions.

I'm sure you have this awful mental image of the wife from him. She must be huge, self-centered, unresponsive, no compassion whatever, and self absorbed sitting on her sofa eating bon bons while he walks out the door to earn a hard days' pay while she does nothing. Let's burst this bubble also.

Sure, my H's OW was attractive, that is if you like the outward appearance of a stripper/hooker in a business suit. But don't get me wrong, I am no sloucher. Was a college beauty queen and was very popular. Never met a stranger. I am intelligent and have a college degree in the medical field. I am a loving mother and wife. H and I had a very active intimate life and that was never the problem. His OW got jealous of the fact H still wanted me physically, in fact. Now I'm state president of my medical society and have made a new life as best as possible for my son and I. And when I do venture out, as I am so scared believe it or not of wading into the sea of singleness, that when I do get out and about I turn quite a few heads. So....what was the problem? Easy. After a few years in a monogamous relationship, everyone sees the other person as , guess what? A person. Not a fantasy. Their dream guy or girl may one day wake up with morning breath. Or in our case, the wife may develop pregnancy complications, have to be on bedrest for a few months and then is medically forced to undergo an emergency c section and deliver a premature baby. That baby required soooo much more than a normal newborn. Used all my med knowledge to help him. The baby had to take precidence for a while and H must have not liked it. Our son was 2 pounds when born. I had him caught up with all the other kids one year earlier than docs had predicted. He had a diminished immune system for the first year due to the prematurity and when he was 14 months old, he was hospitalized again for a normal chest cold which went way outta control due to that itself. I couldn't reach my H that night on cell phone from the hospital. He was out. Nobody knew where he was. Turns out, it was that he was having or beginning an A.

So while my baby is in the emergency room, having serious complications, his daddy is out somewhere with another woman lying to her about why his "wife just doesn't understand me" or "we don't have the same relationship we used to". Now, isn't that kind of man just sooooo ATTRACTIVE? That is your man honey.

So no more rationalizations or believing his crap. It's all a lie. Believe me. If you saw me, you would never think that I would ever be cheated on. And our son is wonderful and healthy today. H is in la la land and believes that he is a great dad now.

Packed my bags and took the first flight outta la la land last September. I will never return there. Reality is the killer of fantasy and that is what life, committment, and marriage is all about. Real love, not an airbrushed fantasy. K?

Dear Formerly Confused: Thanks for your thoughts. You spoke the truth and the pain you feel as it relates to a situation so close to yours is quite evident. However, keep in mind that you don&#8217;t know me&#8230;or my thoughts&#8230;or my prayers and my earnest desires. (But I suppose that&#8217;s one of the main drawbacks to electronic communications. Characters that make up words that are presented on the screen are not the same as real people and all our complexities.) Don&#8217;t get me wrong, I&#8217;m not bitter about your post&#8230;I just feel I need to set a few things straight:

I'm not sure how you got the impression that Kyleigh's here seeking acceptance and support, but you're waaaaaay off base on that one. [Perhaps your emotions were a bit TOO wrapped up in your response.] When I stated, &#8220;I&#8217;d like to know what you guys think&#8221;, it signified my quest for insight&#8230;not a &#8216;come pat me on the back and make me feel ok about this&#8217;. Read closely enough, one should infer that the words of my original post demonstrated that I knew it was all wrong &#8211; WAY WRONG &#8211; and that I was looking for some help for a way out. I mean, DUH&#8230;would I waltz into a divorce forum where I know people have all kinds of hurts and depression from their broken marriages if I were not looking for an [censored]-whipping&#8230;for somebody to grab me by the shoulders and shake the hell outta me??? Think about that for a minute, will &#8216;ya? I&#8217;m sure there are thousands of boards for OW/OM and the like &#8211; men and women who get their rocks off by tearing up families and relishing in their secret affairs. I&#8217;m sorry to burst your bubble, pal, but that&#8217;s not me. I feel bad enough for what we did and even worse for who I&#8217;ve allowed myself to become, but my very presence on this board was just another step toward slaying this giant. I just wished I&#8217;d come here sooner. The last time a married man came at me and I was tempted to &#8220;go there&#8221;, I posted the scenario on Crosswalk cuz I had no one I could tell about it, and I was proud to say that I cut that off before any adulterous activity could take root&#8230;much to the credit of my concerned &#8220;Crosswalk&#8221; family &#8211; many of whom beat me down a heck of a lot worse than you did&#8230;and I had not even &#8220;gone there&#8221; with that man!

NOT PEACHY: Thank you sooo much for your prayers. Yes I did go to church on yesterday, and it was so amazing. It was as if the pastor was speaking directly to me. It&#8217;s a church that I&#8217;ve been visiting for a while and one that I&#8217;ll probably end up joining, because the Baptist church that I&#8217;m in now is just not very progressive. I&#8217;ve been there a bit over a year and have not heard one single convicting message since the day I joined. It&#8217;s all just sweet little &#8216;pat-the-Christians-on-the-back-and-make-em-feel-good sermonettes. (Which could be part of my problem, but I don&#8217;t wanna play blame game.) Anyway, I knew what I had to do. I knew I had to expose the demons in order for any real healing to take place. I met with my ex (that I had just broken it off with) and came clean about some things. I let Mr. Married know that we needed to talk&#8230;didn&#8217;t want to do it over the phone, so that gets severed today as well. I just can&#8217;t do this any more. There&#8217;s this lady that came into our church some months ago and did a class for the singles dealing with sexual immorality. I&#8217;ve had her number for sometime now&#8230;just wished I had used it sooner. I hadn&#8217;t been putting off calling her, but hadn&#8217;t because I&#8217;d been so busy and I assumed that she probably was too. Anyway, we talked for hours. I opened up and shared some things about my personal demons that I&#8217;m dealing with and she was very encouraging. (She&#8217;s been celibate for 8 years now and I just felt like she could help me.) Boy, did she ever! She listened and after we were done talking, she prayed with me. It really helped me a lot. It wasn&#8217;t like I was looking for a pity party&#8230;or that she offered one for that matter. Not even! She made some really tough points and I knew that I had to act on them. Truth be told, yesterday was a do or die day for me. I knew that I was drowning in my sin&#8230;that I really have a problem and if I didn&#8217;t get some help from somebody who could relate that I&#8217;d eventually self-destruct. (Don&#8217;t know if you read my 2nd post on this thread or not&#8230;but it was not mean to elicit sympathy or support. I really have a problem.) There&#8217;s a major stronghold there &#8211; but I really feel like yesterday was the start of a major about-face&#8230;

After all, admittance is the first step, right?

Thanks again, not peachy, for your prayers and for everybody that posted. My prayers will be with you in your own family situations.

Kyleigh

Glad to see your turning things around. Like Confused siad, you should have known better.