Hi folks. I'm new to this forum. We've been "divorcing" for nearly a year now -- he wants full custody, I want joint. We tried mediation first -- a 6-month $1000 mistake.

My lawyer says I shouldn't move out and there's not really any way to make him move out. He is an unemployed PhD (15 months now), so I have to live in the same house and support him while he tries to take my kids away.

And through all this, we've managed not to fight in front of the kids.

But I can't stand it sometimes. Tonight I left the house because if I had stayed another minute I would have just screamed.

I want my life back. I am afraid that if I leave too often like this, I will jeapordize my chances of joint custody, even though I am a good mother.

Help.

It sounds like you need to detach from your STBS and draw some boundaries.

The Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend is a great read for this sort of thing.

I agree - don't move out - but you also don't have to take everything he gives you either.

If he doesn't have a job - how is he supposed to support the kids full time? Sounds like he just wants the money. And how can you ge ta divorce while you are still living together? In my state you have to be living separate and apart for a certain amount of time.

You could possible get a court order prioir to the final divorce giving you the house and making Ex move out - but you need t otalk to your attorney about that.

Otherwise, just find some stress relievers and do them whenever you feel the need.

Hope this helps some. K

Fog Babble.

I know, old thread. She had an affair and then claims, "I was a good mother."

Good grief!

Where I live you can be legally separated and still live in the same house.

Can your lawyer do anything to help you get him out of the house? (probably not but it's worth asking)

Whatever you do, don't leave. It really sucks. One thing that can help is if you make all of your interactions and dealings with him by appointment. I.e. set up meeting times at the kitchen table or some other neutral place. Make lists of what you need to discuss and stick to the list. If he wants to discuss something else, add it to the bottom of the list. Enforce this as a boundary. Conduct the meeting as if it were a business meeting - stick to the agenda (list) and take notes. This helps to keep you focused on the information you are exchanging, rather than the person you are exchanging it with. After a couple of times (so long as you enforce it), he'll stick to the format as well. The list/meeting style discussions will help act as a referee for your feelings.

It sounds bizarre but I know of a few people who had some success with this.

Oh, I just figured out what EE meant. Provider Mom, I feel bad for your BH. Still try the meeting approach - it will be easier for both of you.

If you think that your H is just after the money, offer a terrific settlement IF he agrees to joint custody. If it's because he truly believes the children are better off with him full time, he won't take it.

You're not going to like the next thing but try to keep an open mind.

Depending on the age and sex of your children, you should seriously consider whether it may make sense for him to have the majority of the physical custody. If your children are young, your H can take care of them until he finds a job, thereby saving a LOT in child care expenses. Also, since he's a PhD, maybe he homeschools. On the other hand, if they are older and can drive, it really doesn't make a lot of difference who is "supposed" to have custody since the teen will pretty much be where he or she wants to be either with Mom or Dad.

Also, maybe you two can make this a 5 year agreement with an expiration.

Try and find a way to work this out. $1,000 is nothing if this becomes a big battle. Plus, there's sure to be lots of ill-will which will make joint parenting a mess later. Trust me, there will be lots of issues that you'll need to deal with your ex on from braces to school to summer jobs.

I should have been specific. This is an 8 year old thread

I doubt she's going to need any advice today. I still feel sorry for her BH.


How did I get to this thread? Well, pepperband shares the same birthday as my ex-wife. Yep, she's 40 today. So I looked at some of her posts out of some morbid curiosity and came to a thread where she and the OP posted.

The OP sounded very foggy, so I looked at her threads and this was her very last post.

Sad that those who responded were giving aid and comfort to a fogged out wayward.

EE, I don't think I was giving aid or comfort. I don't know about other people but when I'm asked about custody, I think about the kids.

I know nothing about this person, so unless I hear someone is unfit, I think it's best if both parents are involved in a child's life.

First, I was speaking of those 8 years ago who were advising the wayward.

Second, anyone who chooses an affair is pretty much an unfit parent. So unless anyone things affairs are the best way to raise children, I think a parent, mother or father, who would choose an affair demonstrates they are not a fit parent.

But you can go read her 40 some posts where she is all about how she doesn't feel love for her husband, how she doesn't feel this, how she used a disposable phone to hide her affair, blah, blah, blah.

Personally, I think she was just as wayward when she wrote the above post as when she was having her affair, and therefore, still an unfit parent.

She was all about how she felt, and very little if anything about the damage she did to her BH.