I have been married for 19 months, my H & I have known each other for 10 years, I have two children from past relationship. H has one ( her & ex live two blocks away from us). We are expecting in November.<BR>H will tell me that he's going walk to the store, but instead of coming home he ends up at a buddies house playing video games & drinking for hours at a time without a phone call to tell me where he is or anything this friend is not married nor has a GF or, none of his friends are married or have GF's, children except for one, and everytime we have ever visited him he is allways drinking, which is his business, but my H has a problem with alcohol and has been to jail because of it, so therefor I don't like him around it, because I don't want him to relive that life. A few months ago we were out of town with another couple he and I had a huge arguement with some physical violence from both of us, he told me to leave, i thought maybe that was the best thing to do so therefor I called my father who drove 3 hours away to get me, I got home early that morning, he was due back later that same day, but however he never came home, later that day while at my parents house out in the yard doing some things with them the ex drove by and blowed the horn and laughed he and the child were in the car with her(this woman is 44 years old a little too old for these games). I came home, but couldn't stand being here and H not so I decided to take a long drive & try to clear my head & do some thinking, when I returned I noticed H had been here and gotten some of his things, a short while later they drove by here blowing the horn and yelling, I called my mother-inlaw and told her to relay the message to him that it was I he was married to, she said that he had left there earlier that day and she had not seen him since and all she knew was what he had told her, (well is any son gonna tell their mothr the truth and admit hitting their wife or GF). I tried going to bed but couldn't without H here we've never been apart except twice while I was out of town once visiting my family the other was legal problems with his family. I went to his mothers at 1 AM wanting to talk to him and some to some terms in our marriage his mom said he still hadn't come in but that she would try and find him, I heard her call his sister and tell her to call the ex's house and to tell him I was there, a short while later the phone rang I quietly got up went in another room and looked at the caller id box it was from the ex's house about 10 minutes later H came in, about 15 minutes after that the ex showed up there, his mother of all people let her in the house, I then told H he was gonna make a decision and he told his mother that the ex shouldn't even be there so she told her to leave........ The next day I checked H's e-mail and there was one from the ex which is enclosed as followed......<BR>******************************************************************************************<BR>>A,<BR>><BR>>I guess I don't understand you anymore. You have changed so much that I<BR>>can't understand you.<BR>><BR>>You sit over here and tell me how much you have thought about me and how I<BR>>would never have treated you like she did. You say that you don't want to be<BR>>with her anymore and that you will just have to pay her child support and<BR>>that she has drove you to hate her. But then when your mom calls up here and<BR>>tells you that she is at her house you want to run back as soon as possible.<BR>>What kind of wimp have you turned out to be that you will let a woman,<BR>>probably a dyke woman at that, beat up on you? I do not believe that you hit<BR>>her before she hit you. I think she is saying and doing that stuff to make<BR>>you feel guilty. Everyone that you know has told you how much they hate her<BR>>and how mean and cruel she is...<BR>><BR>>You have no friends anymore that can even come to your house. None of them<BR>>like her, they all say that you would have been better off with me instead of<BR>>her.....even your own family. No one, absolutely no one, can stand<BR>>her!!!!!!!!! She may call me a fat b**** but I can lose weight, she can<BR>>never do anything about that ugly as* face of hers. I don't know one single<BR>>person that will say that she is the slightest bit pretty............What are<BR>>you doing with someone like that?<BR>><BR>>I can't understand why you stay with someone that deep down inside you hate<BR>>as much as you do her. You said yesterday that they only thing that was<BR>>keeping you alive was K. Are you so miserable that all you do is sit up<BR>>there and think about me and K? You haven't made an attempt to see K<BR>>and now K has changed towards you. I don't think those feelings will<BR>>ever change as long as you are with J because she has seen the true side<BR>>of J. The wicked witch side of her!!!!!<BR>><BR>>I really had a good time with you and K yesterday.....It was fun walking<BR>>along the cove and holding hands and playing with K. It felt good to<BR>>hold you and know that you really wanted me to do that. Why throw what we<BR>>have always had away for someone that is so mean to you that you despise her?<BR>> You and I were a lot closer than you and she will ever be. You know that<BR>>and I know that.<BR>><BR>>I am not saying that you should come back to me. What I am saying is don't<BR>>stay in that marriage because you are scared of what she is going to do to<BR>>you. She can't do anything. You have too much against her now and she can't<BR>>do anything about it. Your whole family knows how much she has lied to them<BR>>and how she does everything she can to make herself look good. Everyone<BR>>knows it is just a front and that she is a mean, cruel b****. You said that<BR>>yesterday yourself. Don't wait until it is too late and you don't have all<BR>>that she has done to you there for you to prove how mean and cruel she is. I<BR>>have the pictures of you up here yesterday with those marks on your face.<BR>>Everyone saw them and I have the proof.<BR>><BR>>I am sorry A, I don't believe that you told J to leave from down<BR>>there and that you hit her first.....WRONG!!!!!!!!!!<BR>>I know you better than that. Thats why she got so mad at me and came after<BR>>me because I said I didn't believe that you hit her first....she can't take<BR>>it when someone knows the real J and I know the real J. I bet I can<BR>>sit down and tell you things she has done to you before you ever tell me. I<BR>>know what kind of person she is, and she hates that. Thats why she hates me<BR>>so much.<BR>><BR>>I just don't want anything bad to happen to you A. J may be<BR>>pregnant again but as you said, she can't get anymore out of you other than<BR>>child support....so get out now. You can get that child on the weekends and<BR>>spend time with that child without being married to . Do you want that<BR>>child growing up and seeing J beat on you all the time? You haven't done<BR>>anything wrong as of now......Get out before you do!!!!!!! Don't risk going<BR>>back to jail because of that ugly as* b****!!!!<BR>><BR>>I wish you all the luck in the world and you know, as you have always known,<BR>>that I will be here for you anytime you need me. I told you my feelings<BR>>yesterday as you told me yours. Just like you told K yesterday, even if<BR>>you do have another child with someone else-----K will always be your<BR>>first child and she will always mean more to you than any of the other<BR>>children that you may have. First children are, and always will be the most<BR>>important!!!!!!!!<BR>><BR>>loving you always,<BR>>D<P>******************************************************************************************<BR>As soon as I got this e-mail I met H for lunch and confronted him with the printed e-mail he denied every bit of it, but I know what my H looks like and I know it was him in the car with her the 3 times I seen them. I love my H very much, but sometimes I don't know where to turn to...<BR>his family keeps the ex posted on what goes on in his life like it is any of her business, they call her bad names then eat her up to her face and give her a place to live...... I don't want to lose my marriage what do I do.

I'm sorry to hear about the pain and chaos that is in your life at the moment. I am concerned about your health and the well being of your baby that is due in November. <P>I think there are extenuating circumstances that make your situation even more difficult than it would be without them. Such as the previous relationships, the close proximity of the ex-gf (or sp?) the assorted children from past relationships, even the jail time, the single friends and all that. <P>But to get to the point - your husband is disrespecting you, he's somehow involved with the ex (it's unclear now how much) and the ex (per the e-mail) is obviously very actively trying to win your husband back. <P>Now she doesn't sound too great to me - she is using very negative, ugly manipulation to encourage your H to leave you. You would think she'd be a little softer with her tactics, but I guess that's her style. <P>There are many things that I don't know about your husband, and I don't know why he is acting this way toward you. But if you want to try to save the marriage, I would read everything you can on this web site by Dr. Harley - Read up on Plan A and get into it NOW!<P>That involves refraining from "love busters" negativity, criticism, complaining, nagging - and I imagine hitting and yelling would be huge LB's! Don't do that!<P>You need to be the one to control your temper here, say nothing mean about the ex - be kind to your H - tell him you wish to work on the marriage and make it better than effort. But don't resort to name calling or any other negative behavior to make your point. <P>When you are being kind and loving - her ugliness, the negativity and spite will be more apparent than ever before. Remember she is an "ex" there has to have been a particular reason for that in the first place. <P>How she's using the children in this case is horrible. How dare she tell him that child support and visitation is all he needs with your child? What about that baby being born with no father in the house? Is anyone thinking about the well being of the baby? And the other children as well need parents who are committed and loving and staying together and being mature in their behavior and attitudes. <P>So read the books by Dr. Harley, go into Plan A mode, and refrain from using harsh tactics to get your husband's attention. <P>He is very destructive right now it seems, hanging out with his single friends, lying, being with the ex and his child. It's all wrong. <P>Do the emotional needs questionaire, try to figure out his Top 5 EN'S - and begin meeting those. <P>1. His Top 5 EN's<BR>2. No lovebusters!<P>Good luck, I wish you well. You will have to be the stronger one here for a while. You will have to use self control and discipline to refrain from "fighting fire with fire." But you are here for help, you want to save the marriage, and so the responsibility (for now) will be with you primarily.<P>

I just want to let you know that I know how you feel.My H has not cheated on me, but he spends more time with his loser friends than with me or our daughter. I think you need to find out what he wants. Cause if it's not you than you need to part. Maybe you suggest marriage counseling? I know you love him, but you don't need all this stress while your pregnant.He isn't being very respectful or fair. If he wants out you can't force him to stay or change.And the added violence may get worse not better. Furthermore, you don't know if he may hurt your kids as well. But, you should talk to him first to find out what he wants then go from there.<P>good luck!