Ok. Daily I swing from being relieved and my weight (except for the financial one Austin Powers placed me in, paying me much less spousal/child support that in comparison to what he makes)off my shoulders to despair and loneliness.

What do you do when you thought you were off of the ride? I thought I got off of that rollercoaster last year. Does it ever stop? Ever stop? When does your heart become alive again? The part where you want another relationship, that is. My heart's always open and loving to son, family, friends, etc. When do you wake up without any reservation and seize the day. I haven't felt that carpe diem kinda thing for so long.

Sure, I try to find the fun parts each day and am getting ready to go w/my son to stone mountain and we'll see the fireworks tonight. That will be great, but I wanna know when can I just live in today, live in the moment without any hurt or regret that my son is from a broken family. I see the other families when I'm out with him at church, or other places and it stings like I'm stabbed almost.

When does this life after marital death begin? I am a Christian and know that God has been the only reason I've been able to function as rationally and well as I've been able to, but I am so down b/c my faith should be so strong that I don't have doubt or fear. But I do.

When I wake every day I say well here comes another one...I ask God to give me love and courage to be strong and to do the right thing and then I say, here goes my jump, your'e my bungee cord God. And I jump off into another day.

I want a day to day average life like I used to have. Sure we had financial success, and I don't mind really at all that I am working with much less $$ here. I just want peace. Love and peace and some semblance of life before.

Let me know what the reality of the D'd lifestyle is. What is the good and what is the bad. What makes you rejoice, what makes you cry. What would you change, what would you never comprimise on?

I'm getting ready to go now. Putting son in the tub and get myself ready also. Sometimes my body just aches all over. It's funny. I see cardiac patients every day during the week and they describe so much of the same problems I have emotionally. Aches, pounding hearts feeling like they're jumping out of their chest, anxiety, restlessness. I almost know now that they are experiencing something similarly to me. I hate this feeling and want God to intervene. I know it will not happen when I magically say so, but will when God feels it is time.

Why is it that old saying is "no rest for the wicked". Because it should read instead "no rest for the single parent/divorcing partner".

We will try to have another great day together. Pray for us. Pray for my WH. Although D is probably 99% imminent, still pray for him and us ok? Thanks folks. Have a good afternoon.

www.divorceonline.com

It's message boards are called "He Said She Said".

It's an excellent divorce board, and may provide the perspective you're looking for.

My position seems to be in concert with yours..

Peachy -

I wanted to say that I do remember your posts. I was posting - or starting to lurk around that time.

It sure sounds as if you have come a long way!

Funny, at the time we're going through all the emotional cr@p it seems as if there will be no tomorrow, but tomorrow comes, and we do seem to live through it - with some help from the Man upstairs.

I too am trying to figure out what divorced life is supposed to be like. I really thought awful things about divorced people until I became one myself.

I was just thinking how weird and hard it would be for our kids if I remarried someone who had kids - like ExH did. Then for half the month they'd have one set of brothers and sisters and for another half of the month they'd have a different set. That would be so hard! It's like 2 sets of part time siblings. Yuch!

ExH says, Oh it's just more people to love, and be loved by. Baloney. How are you supposed to co-parent like that - with basically three different parenting styles going on there. Life will definitely not be boring.

I have figured out that there is not much going on upstairs with OW, and I'm beginning to think that there was not much going on upstairs with ExH either. He may have book smarts, but that's where it ends.

If I come across any insightful revelations about the way things are supposed to go, I'll let you know. But for now, I'm taking things day by day - going back to court on Tuesday to try and rearrange visitation scheudles with the kids. Ugh! When will it end?!?!?

I was really glad to hear how well you seem to be doing. Sorry to miss the party last night - still have a cold, but that too shall pass.

K

I don't consider myself divorced, although my wife does.

I try to take it day by day, and some days seem a lot longer and quieter than others.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want a day to day average life like I used to have. ... Love and peace and some semblance of life before. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think we all want this. I'd love to feel attractive and loved/needed by someone again. But then I worry about getting my kids involved with someone else, not their mother. I don't believe it's as rosy a relationship - stepfamilies, stepparenting - as our divorced spouses say either.

With your faith in God, he'll help bring good things your way. Your son is one, as are my two kids (whom I'd like to see more often), and we can only hope that we start seeing good things in our lives sooner rather than later.

Peachy...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When does your heart become alive again? When do you wake up without any reservation and seize the day. I haven't felt that carpe diem kinda thing for so long.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These are questions I have been asking myself for a long time now. For me, I don't think I will be there for a very long time. I am really in a dark place right now. The only way I see me feeling alive again is to have my wife commit fully to recovering our marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I wanna know when can I just live in today, live in the moment without any hurt or regret that my son is from a broken family. I see the other families when I'm out with him at church, or other places and it stings like I'm stabbed almost.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh man, I see families all the time and I become so jealous at them and at the same time so enraged at myself for putting my wife and I in this spot. All I want is for my kids to come home to their loving mom and dad. More than once I have broken down and cried because I want to be a family again so bad and when I see families out it just overcomes me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When does this life after marital death begin? I am a Christian and know that God has been the only reason I've been able to function as rationally and well as I've been able to, but I am so down b/c my faith should be so strong that I don't have doubt or fear. But I do.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it is natural to have doubt and fear during this time. God is the only reason I have been able to function also. It never fails when I have a lot of fear or doubt God shows me scripture or simply talks to me through the holy spirit and I have new strength. It seems he has to pump me up several times a day. It is always along the lines of trust in God and he will answer my prayers. No matter how tough the circumstances god is there and is working behind the scenes for our marriages and for us. Nothing is impossible with God. It is so hard when we see from the outside that our circumstances are not changing but know that God is doing things for us and in our spouses that we cannot see. He wants us to be happy and he hurts right along with us.

The thing we can do is continue to pray for our marriages and spouses. I know I have a lot of people in and out of church praying for my family. They are true prayer warriors. They don't care what happen during marriage or separation. They truelly want God to intervene and restore my marriage.

Lets become prayer warriors for one another and let God do his thing with our spouses.

I know just how you feel when you talked about your cardiac patients. Those are the exact feelings I have. Sometimes it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest. The other day I was pacing the floor back and forth and I didn't even realize I was doing it untill my dad asked if I was OK.

I too want God to intervene but I know it will be on his time. I am concentrating on getting my heart right and my obedience to him right because when he does intervene I want to be totally ready to accept what he gives me this time.

I am praying for you on a daily basis starting today.

Love in Christ
cajunky

<small>[ September 01, 2002, 11:39 PM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

Not Peachy - can't say what it is like either. I am in a ugly divorce now, may take 3 or more months to end this misery. My stbxWH has caused me so much money on lawyers. Didn't admit to lawyer he had a physical affair, won't do discovery the way the judge wants it to be done, he wants to do things his way and his way only. So he has caused me to spend lots of money on the lawyers, basically I am the only one protecting myself.

Yes, the aftermath is difficult, no trust in opposite gender, no trust in wayward spouse. Seems they stay on their selfish track and cast away their family of wife and kids. I know this is happening to our family too. STBX-WH had a sexual affair with the otherwoman, still tells the kids he loves her. This woman had another sexual affair, and a exposing her body to another, during her marriage. I know men have the horniest minds, but jeez, when you put your wife at risk for STD and all.

So you look at your life, different. You look at people who have a family, it hurts. To see kids with their parents, makes you cry. To see humans, husband and wife holding each other, wanting. There is no real existence for us betrayed spouses, there is so much damage done, so many tears to shed, so many worries. Financially, we are to fend for ourselves, emotionally we are to fend for ourselves. Stability, we are to fend for ourselves. Happiness we are to find for ourselves. Caring, we have to care for ourselves, and our kids. THE Wayward Spouses don't care about us, or the kids that were brought into this world. As you see it happening, and I see it everyday. My stbxWH didn't give me money to spend on groceries for myself and the kids. Everyday he says he is not responsbile for the 2 kids going to college. So I have to feed and take care of 4 of us and animals with $181 for child support for the only child underage. This makes sense. While the STBX WH joins a gym, buys new clothes, buys computer equipment, buys a semi-trailer, buys buys buys without any guilt for us here. Even told him my mother had to buy groceries 3 times for us, said good for her. Didn't say I am sorry you had to go that round and ask for help. Didn't once say, how much money do you need. Would only give me this pentence of child support. Knowing I have to feed 4 dogs, 2 cats, bird, and 4 of us. This is so unfair, but it is the true identity of a wayward spouse. They are selfish and uncaring.

What you need to do is focus on yourself and your son. Keep him enlightened in your life. Give him hugs and encouragement everyday. Tell him you love him daily. Show him that yes, with this little bit of money, we can still have fun. I did that to my kids yesterday. We went to a frineds cottage for the day and spent time on the water, skidooing, patoon, cooking out and enjoying each others company. WH didn't want to do this, asked him many times to go out to friends lake, and he said no, he didn't find them fun to be with. So now I am showing the kids that family and frineds are important, and yes that the differences between people can be resolved with putting forth the effort of just enjoying each others company. Have fun with your son in making some treats together, or get him involved in making a dinner. Showing him that you are there to provide him with knowledge of daily life, and survival.

As far as another relationship, don't think it will happen with me. I don't trust men, I don't trust their actions, I don't trust their attitude. I know when we were dating, SNL manipulated me into getting intimate. If he had the guts, he would agree 100%. I didn't want to get intimate with him, I was brought up to save my body for marriage. But he tried little things, and told me to relax and enjoy the touch. Then it went further and further. I didn't enjoy it in the beginning, but little by little enjoyed the touch. He knew I was a virgin, and guess he wanted to get into my virginity. I wish to God that I had said NO, NO, NO!!!! Also, I was of that mindset that if you didn't do what he asked, he wouldn't think highly of you. So that issue was engrained in me too. Now if I could of done it over, I would of said, I am sorry but I am saving my body for my husband. And would of stayed with that statement, until the right man came along. But he was sexually active with 3 other woman before me.

So what really exists for us, betrayed spouses? Don't really know, just trying to survive like you, hoping to get up each day, and hoping that I can make it through each day.