Now that I'm moving swiftly down the road to recovery, I am tormented(ok not exactly tormented - but concerned) with the thought of making another poor choice in a spouse.

I worry that I haven't learned enough from MB, and should be reading more about healthy relationships and men/women interaction.

Does or has anyone else felt like this? Even with all I've been through, I just don't feel prepared.

I guess what I'm looking for is what should I be doing/ reading/ learning in order to prepare for Mr. Right.

I think wiftty has one idea - about learning one's personality type - but still, do I choose someone with a similar personality, a contrasting personality, do the personality books tell you who to choose?!?!?

Any thoughts?

<small>[ September 01, 2002, 09:52 PM: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</small>

I am moving closer to God and the Church. I am letting those two things guide me in my decision.

cpp

God is in Control,

It never ceases to amaze me how God works. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

A while back, someone posted that the book Mars and Venus on a date really helped them when they were first dating. Even though I am not in a position to date at this point, the book caught my eye at B& N last weekend. I started to flip through it & saw some things of interest. I didn't buy the book but wished I had. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

This weekend, I did go buy it and haAve read almost nonstop. It is mainly for singles, but the same things apply to marrieds who want to have a better R and those having problems.

What I have gotten from the book so far, is how John Gray describes the stages of dating. I can see how WH & I missed some of the stages. I can see what I did wrong. This is a great companion to MB princples. It gives a process in which to practice MB. It even ecourages meeting the needs of the other and learning that just because you do something that you think is great, you must be aware of what the other wants and how they perceive it.

The book tells what happens at each stage and how men and women are different <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> The emphasis is on how they percieve each other pointing out what is important at each stage.

The funny part is that I was going to post that as a topic tonight!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> God knew someone needed that info now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

After you have read the book, we could post to each other and anyone else who wanted to join in
what we learned and what we are experiencing now and what we need to do to avoid the mistakes of the past.

It even would apply if one was to get back together with thier (WS) spouse.

God Bless,

D <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

GIIC,

many parts, first, learn about personality traits and then learn how the traits interact and which ones you particularly like. . . its not just identification, but step two favorable interaction. . . .

second, once you have confidence in psychology, then hang out on the EN board, and read to learn how the extremes of personality disorders and types play out in relationships. . . what you are doing is educating yourself with real life examples of the extreme. . . take note of some of the different personalities on EN, and figure out which people are very smart, and what they suggest for solutions, do you agree or disagree? why? offer some of your own analysis and solutions, and see if they stick. . .

third, be open to all types of non stereotypical companionship potential . . . my GF is very religious, i am an atheist, she never envisioned liking a guy who is non religious. . . but she has an open mind. . . and i have the basis good characteristics of christianity, i just don't need a political structure in which to validate myself.

fourth, dispell any stereotypes that ALL men are characterized by the way your X behaved. . . not all men are like that, but there are lots of weird ones, and you have to slightly suspicious of "stories" or explanations. . . and readings from generalized philosophies on life to be able to explain your own personal one is very helpful . . .

fifth, personal counseling for coming to terms with why you are who you are. . . why you did what you did. . . . here is an example of my story from both reading and personality types:

i had a very weird childhood, my parents wanted to give us kids the best education possible as the best step forward in life. . . so we all went to boarding schools, i went to an all boys school from grade 8 to graduation, and then to virtually an all male military academy. . . so i never received the social education of dating and learning about different types of girls/women. . . I worked on oil tankers either two months on /two months off or two weeks on/two weeks off. . . with all men - finding someone to "play" with was hard. . . especially when i was afraid of women. . .
so given that information, how do you think i reacted to ging to a full time MBA program in a typical liberal arts school, being about 6 years older and married, having never experienced co ed education before? its all in the FOO or history. . .

Second, in college, i fell for a college freshwoman, and had been dumped for another teammate, and she married him. . . anyway, i came home, and in a conversation with my parents, told them that the one i am academically set, athletically set, and socially challenged, and that i wished they had educated me on socialization issues, . . . there was no response. . . 20 years later i find out why. . .

MB personality types, my mom is an ISTJ, doesn't do relationship talks, and has one structured answer for all relationship issues. . . my dad is a conflict avoider, but wanting his kids to get what he didn't, and somewhat unable to discuss touchy feely stuff, mechanical engineer. does not carry non business discussions very far, all business and all play. . . nothing very dep or serious, both totally opposite of my personality, and neither parents really understand me until i finally had some discussions with them, point out from my point of view, how so different they are,

and they did the best they knew how, and what was considered the best for their time. . .

so all these issues and understanding is all about me, and my world, and the more i understand about me, and then others, the more i can make a good decision. . . and as i learn more, i realize that the person has to be similar to me, and if she can be similar enough, yet with some differences to still fit into my world, and to be brave enough to deal with all issues, hers and mine, and not be a conflict avoider and blamer, and take personal responsibility, then we will get along great. . .

wiftty

Ok wiftty - I'm game.

But you have to tell me exactly what book to read to learn about personality types - I liked the step by step directions - I'm a follow instructions kind of gal.

So, let me just make sure I have this right:

1. Figure out my personality type.

2. Figure out which personality types are compatible with my personality type and which ones aren't.

3. Gather data on how those personality types behave.

4. But don't rule out a few unique traits that someone may posess.

Have I got it?

K

Thanks for the info on the book "Mars & Venus on a Date", just bid on a copy on ebay <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
(one of my favorite past times) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm still mourning the loss of my most recent counselor - she moved out of town. But she recommended a great book. That I actually read. (As an ADD adult, it is very hard for me to read a self-help book.)

But, I read it and recommended it here on the boards and a bunch of people read it. Everyone loved it.

If the Buddha Dated

It is not so much about the other person as it is about you.

Small little paperback. Short chapters and felt wonderful in my hands. It's great!

When I started to date I decided to think about everything I wanted in a person and what I didn't want, I decided to be fair and give the person an honest chance and not let my past interfere. I dated a few womwn all were great in there own way, then when least expected I met one who seems to have all the things I want in a partner

I would add one additional piece of advice to the good advice given here about finding someone new post divorce: be sure to “play the field.” I’m not talking about anything loose or sleazy. I mean socialing (honorably) with a variety of men without going into a long term relationship. I even have a strategy for doing this:

Set a rule for yourself. Once you’re ready to date, tell yourself that you will not enter into a committed relationship until you have dated at least 10 (you can make the number higher, but not lower) different men. You can date anyone more than once, but no commitment, no “relathionship,” no exclusivity until you’ve dated at least 9 other men.

Not possible, you say? I big to differ. The trick is, EVERYTHING is a date. Coffee, lunch, brunch, tennis, shopping, . . . You name it. And any single man counts as a date – whether you are interested in him for a relationship or not. You’re logging dates the way a pilot logs flight time, and the destination is unimportant. Obviously, I’m not suggesting you ask someone you find repulsive out for coffee just to get that 10th date in (you wouldn’t fly to Afghanistan just to log flight time, would you?). But you don’t have to have a man pegged as a keeper before you go out with him. I guess the other trick is that you’ll have to do a lot of the asking. But when the dates are low-stakes events like coffee, there’s not nearly as much pressure.

Why are you doing this? A couple of reasons:

1. To get a better idea of the range of men out there. I’ve noticed that many women (not all) married without having dated many men besides their husbands. And even those who have dated may have lost some of their perspective after years of marriage. This is a good way to survey the terrain.
2. To protect yourself from any impulse to latch onto the first halfway decent man who comes along. Not all divorced women have this impulse, but I’ve seen it frequently enough. People who liked being married are anxious to get back to that state, and their anxiety can prompt hasty decisions. This rule forces you to be disciplined about entering into a relationship.
3. To build your confidence with men. By going through this with at least 10 men, you’ll get your chit chat down comfortably. And since these are all “practice guys,” you don’t have to stress too much over any flubs. Just move on to the next one.
4. To hone your judgment. The more people you meet, the more you know about what is a healthy outlook and what isn’t. This is your means to learn.

As you can see, this is simply a technique that you can use to help you implement all the good advice the other posters have given you. I hope you’ll give it some thought.

Hi k-

I saw this and thought I'd add my two cents worth. I'd like to also suggest the book Mars and Venus Starting Over. It takes you through the stages both male and female of dealing with a loss of relationship whether it be from death, divorce, or the end of a serious relatioship. I found it very interesting and helpful. It points out a lot of things to do and look out for and I gives you the perspective of the other sex as well.

After my divorce from my X who you know is an alcoholic many people feared that I would follow the pattern of so many codependents and find someone new with the same problems. I found those warnings useful as well. I think the only way to avoid doing that is to take a serious look at yourself and what motivates you to do the things you do. In the time of my separation/pregnancy/dad's death/divorce I did a lot of reading and self evaluation. I learned to like me again. Actually I learned to like myself for the first time in a lot of ways. Allow yourself to do this.

As for what to look for, I know I made a l list of things I could not tolerate. I then made one of others that I would prefer to avoid. I also made a list of things I found important and finally one of what I would prefer in a man. I keep these things in mind constantly. I also reminded myself that nobody is perfect and to give people with most of the important things a chance. I really think an open mind is imperative.

I did some things casually with a couple of people. I also turned down people who I didn't feel comfortable about. A good friend who really knew me and my history well then set me up with a friend of hers. I have been seeing this man for a few months now and things are going very well. He is so different than my X and so is our relationship. We keep communication open and are very conscious of love busters and needs. We have both been married to spouses who had A's. It is obvious in the way that we deal with things that not only did we both try to save our marriages to no evail due to the refusal of our spouses, but that we have both done a lot of work on our ourselves in the process. I feel that this relationship is so much healthier because of what I learned from the failure of my first marriage and what I learned about myself in the process. I don't know where it will lead, but I am happy for now and hopeful for the future. This is a whole new experience for me.

Keep doing what you are doing. Get the books recommended on this thread. Get comfortable. Things will happen and when they do you will be ready.

Take care and God bless!

K