I have been married for 10 yrs. 3 kids (2 with him) my husband is an alcoholic and a drug user. I have left him several times in the past but always got back together. He has been sober twice durig our marriage, the last time when he was in prison for drug related charges for 18 months and then continued his sobriety for about 3 months afterwards, slowly began drinking first wine then harder stuff, then a sixpack a day, probably close to a 12 pack a day now. Anyway, he blames it all on me, I never tried to make him happy, I dont want to do any of the things he does, etc. Now, I do not accept responsibility for this, but he insists it is my fault. We are constantly fighting, he does not help me much financially, the only thing he does that resembles responsibility to me is to watch the kids while I work on the weekends, or at night. We have just bought a house (in my name only, his credit was too bad) so when we discuss splitting up, he says he isnt going anywhere- he isnt leaving his kids,etc. I guess I should force myself to go to alanon or something, but I am a shy person... I am really concerned that he is mentally unstable, one minute he is sweet as pie, the next he is jumping down my throat for the smallest things- what I cook or how I clean,etc. I know he is frustrated with himself- how can I keep from responding to him in a negative way? I worry about my kids, they hear the constant fighting, and it upsets them. I cant just leave the house I bought. What can I do- I try to talk to him,it seems all he wants from me is to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, exactly the way he wants it done. He wants control, but I feel he is not responsible or reliable enough to have control. He doesnt deserve that privelege. I am so unhappy. Even when I try to be nice to him, it doesnt work. He complains about EVERYTHING-especially lately the frequency of our sex life- I am so mad at him, I cant even think about THAT- I am not able to seperate sex from my feelings- this is a MAJOR problem.I need some advice- My family is suffering- my husband is suffering as well, and although I thought for a long time that I didnt love him anymore, I am wondering if I still love him and am just so disappointed in him. He turns everything around and blames it on me, no matter what it is. Please help me I am desperate.I need some feedback

HI MARY JANE <BR>IT IS A VERY SAD SITUATION THAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH , I HAVE LEARNED THAT ADVICE ONLY TAKES YOU SO FAR , BUT HERE IS SOME ANYWAY..<BR>IT IS OBVIOUS THAT THIS MAN IS EXTEMELY INSECURE ABOUT HIMSELF , AND THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT IS YOUR FAULT, EITHER. IT COULD BE THE SUBSTANCE ABUSE, HIS CHILDHOOD, OR GENERAL WAY OF LIFE.. SOMETIMES WHEN YOU ARE WITH SOMEONE FOR SO LONG IT ISN'T ALWAYS THE LOVE PEOPLE FEEL FOR THE PERSON THAT KEEPS THEM IN THE SITUATION , BUT MORE SO THE FEAR OF CHANGE AND LOSS..<BR>TO BE HONEST IF HE WILL GO TO COUNSELING THEN GREAT DO IT THAT IS A GOOD SIGN THAT HE IS WILLING TO TRY, BUT I AM WILLING TO BET THAT HE IS TO HARD HEADED AND STUBBORN RIGHT NOW TO EXCEPT THE FACT THAT HE NEEDS HELP....<BR>WELL GOOD LUCK IN WHAT EVER YOU DO...<BR>ALSO WITH YOUR CHILDREN YOU ARE RIGHT THE FIGHTING IS GOING TO AFFECT THEM AND THEY NEED YOU TO GUIDE THEM INTO THE PEOPLE THEY ARE GOING TO BECOME. THIS WAY OF LIFE IS NOT HEALTHY FOR YOU OR YOUR CHILDREN.. BUT THE BALL IS IN YOUR HANDS WHETHER YOU TAKE A CHANCE ON THROWING IT AND SEEING WHERE IT LANDS OR NOT IS ENTIRELY UP TO YOU...<BR>HOPE EVERYTHING GETS BETTER FOR YOU.........<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by maryjane:<BR><B>I have been married for 10 yrs. 3 kids (2 with him) my husband is an alcoholic and a drug user. I have left him several times in the past but always got back together. He has been sober twice durig our marriage, the last time when he was in prison for drug related charges for 18 months and then continued his sobriety for about 3 months afterwards, slowly began drinking first wine then harder stuff, then a sixpack a day, probably close to a 12 pack a day now. Anyway, he blames it all on me, I never tried to make him happy, I dont want to do any of the things he does, etc. Now, I do not accept responsibility for this, but he insists it is my fault. We are constantly fighting, he does not help me much financially, the only thing he does that resembles responsibility to me is to watch the kids while I work on the weekends, or at night. We have just bought a house (in my name only, his credit was too bad) so when we discuss splitting up, he says he isnt going anywhere- he isnt leaving his kids,etc. I guess I should force myself to go to alanon or something, but I am a shy person... I am really concerned that he is mentally unstable, one minute he is sweet as pie, the next he is jumping down my throat for the smallest things- what I cook or how I clean,etc. I know he is frustrated with himself- how can I keep from responding to him in a negative way? I worry about my kids, they hear the constant fighting, and it upsets them. I cant just leave the house I bought. What can I do- I try to talk to him,it seems all he wants from me is to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, exactly the way he wants it done. He wants control, but I feel he is not responsible or reliable enough to have control. He doesnt deserve that privelege. I am so unhappy. Even when I try to be nice to him, it doesnt work. He complains about EVERYTHING-especially lately the frequency of our sex life- I am so mad at him, I cant even think about THAT- I am not able to seperate sex from my feelings- this is a MAJOR problem.I need some advice- My family is suffering- my husband is suffering as well, and although I thought for a long time that I didnt love him anymore, I am wondering if I still love him and am just so disappointed in him. He turns everything around and blames it on me, no matter what it is. Please help me I am desperate.I need some feedback</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>chance<P><BR>

Maryjane, <P>You are in a very challenging situation, and I pray that God gives you wisdom for what step to take next.<P>It sounds like you have been strong enough in the past to know when to carry out an escape plan for the safety/sanity of yourself and the kids; hopefully you have a plan in mind now if you have to do it again. <P>My spouse of 14 yrs. is not addicted to alcohol or drugs, but other things you said I can relate to completely!... such as:<P>"he blames it all on me", "he insists it is my fault", (MaryJane, controllers/abusers do not know how to handle their own emotions, esp. negative ones so they put the blame on those close to them. I have to keep reminding myself that this is his problem, not about me. I can't accept the blame and absorb it. Sometimes I have not said anything back and other times I assert the truth to him, tell him he is falsely accusing me, or I say that I am not what you say.)<P> "when we discuss splitting up, he says he isnt going anywhere,...isn't leaving his kids", (Did you take the kids when you left before? Did this cause him to straighten out so he could have you all back? This time, instead of leaving your house, maybe a court order could force him to leave and protect you and the kids?<P> "I am really concerned that he is mentally unstable...", (Yes, it sounds like he is. It may take a crisis to get him to seek help.)<P>" he is frustrated with himself"....<BR>(you're right.)<P>"I worry about my kids...", (Any good mother would in your situation and mine! Has he ever physically hurt them? You need to protect them from physical harm! It may not be wise to leave them alone with him, but have them stay with someone you trust when you need to be away. I also think when the fighting becomes so continuous,it is time for that order for him to leave, for the kids' sanity as well as your own.<P>"it seems all he wants from me is to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, exactly the way he wants it done. He wants control"<BR>(My spouse is the same way. I used to be so submissive and still he was not happy. I have learned that I need to set boundaries and not let him get overboard on this. This wasn't easy to do, as he would continue to disrespect and control more...but he's coming to realize I'm not going to let him use me for a doormat either as I used to. I also know there is a time to speak and not to, and still in his eyes I am wrong no matter what. He just wants to have power over me. Your spouse has the added influence of drugs & alcohol...which makes him more difficult to reason with. Has he ever been to A.A., treatment, or counseling? If not, he needs to be given the phone numbers and locations and advised to seek help....if he doesn't, he should be warned that he will lose you and the kids. This could motivate him toward change. Do you have a pastor and friends to support you too? <P>"I am not able to separate sex from my feelings" (This is how women tend to be. We need conflict resolved to be able to give ourselves. Conflict isn't resolved with a controller. You will have to do as God leads you. For me, I openly told my spouse where I'm at, how I do not feel accepted, respected, nor loved, and that our relationship is abusive, that sex comes from a healthy relationship, etc. Before I said this, he kept thinking everything was normal. He thought our arguments were "normal marital spats" until he heard me say this. You see, men like this don't know what normal is!!<P>"I am wondering if I still love him...I am just so disappointed in him.", (This is how I feel about my spouse also. In the eyes of faith you can see him as what God could make out of him if he would just turn himself and his addictions and abusive nature over to the Lord. You have been in his life for 10 years because you have loved him and wanted what's best for him. But he has to come to the place he wants what is best for himself and his family--and that is to get help. <P>The Bible, in Matt. 18:15-17 says to confront the one who sins against you, then if he doesn't change or get help, take a couple people with you as witnesses, and third, get your pastor/counselor involved. It sounds like he needs someone like a pastor to lead him to faith in Christ too...to be genuinely born-again too. He needs to be urged to get help through this process and possibly a crisis to wake him up!!<P>"He turns everything around and blames it on me, no matter what it is.", (He may be in denial. That's when a crisis may be needed to wake him up, such as an order forcing him to leave the house. That may be what it takes to get him to realize he must go for help.<P> "I am desperate." (I am also at a desperate point with my relationship....I understand! You have gone through alot and are currently being subjected to abuse. This needs to be confronted BOLDLY before it causes permanent damage to you and the kids.<P>God loves you dearly, MaryJane! You are strong through His strength. Do what God gives you wisdom to do.<P>I will pray!!!!<BR>Love to you,<BR>~Renae<p>[This message has been edited by Renae (edited August 11, 2000).]

thankyou for responding,especially you,renae!<BR>i only need now the courage and guidance from God to do what He wants me to do. As far as a court order to make him leave- he hasn't DONE anything physically to me... and also-he really doesnt have anywhere to go. So, I just continue to pray for strength for him to overcome his addictions and for me and the kids.

Pardon me, I made a mistake...it's not court order. It is an order for protection. A counselor told me yesterday that all I need to do is to go to the police and they order him to leave the home. At some point you and I may have to do this if he refuses to respond when confronted and urged to stop his abusive behaviors.<P>But before taking that course of action, I really think according to Matt. 18:15-17, you have to call the church. A good soul-winning pastor in your community should be called to share Christ with your spouse. Only a born-again experience with Jesus can change a man from the inside & out, from heart to behaviors. If he rejects Christ and continues to be bent toward constantly doing evil and is resistant to growth & change, then vs. 17 says "...let him be unto thee as an heathen man..." which means let him sit in his sin, and you go on. If he doesn't respond when confronted in these three steps Matt. 18, then he has hardness of heart, a term Jesus used in Chapter 19:8. <P>This is the process I feel God is putting on my heart regarding my own spouse. I just found yesterday who to go to with his church denomination who can confront him, and they are willing to do so. I asked my spouse last night if he would be willing to meet with them, and to my surprise, he said yes! <BR>I have great peace about taking this step!! . This is acting upon God's word.<P>I think this process may be correct for you as well, either to ask a pastor to come to meet him at the house and witness to him or you both set an appointment with him for counsel. <P>I know that doing nothing but taking the evil, gets us nowhere. We have to do what God's word says, and He will come to our defense! <P>Loving hugs to you, MaryJane,<BR>~Renae

MaryJane,<BR>I think of you and pray for you! Please post again with an update on how you are doing!<P>Love to you,<BR>Renae