GIIC, WGTT:

Thanks for the previous input! I felt much better last night!

This morning (0830), I called WS's cell to see what time she was going to pick up daughter for day. No answer...I called where she was staying, her friend said she did not see WS all night and she did not know where she stayed last night. I called again at 0900, 0930 and 1000. Finally got through her cell phone.

She said she stayed at other couple's house who I did not know last night and watched football game. I asked who played, she did not know. I asked to speak with the lady and confirm, she told me to f--- off.

I asked her when she was going to pick up D for mother/daughter day, she said she was too emotionally drained. Then I really laid into her. I told her about responsibility, accountability, etc. and she was doing a poor job of exhibiting any of this.

I mentioned in Virginia, you do not have to wait the 12 months for no-fault if there is fault (i.e., adultery). I said I want to move on with my life too, and it is crappy of her to make me put life on hold because she does not want to tell the truth about 3rd A (I forgave the first two, and the fling a week before we got married--which I did not find out about until we were married three years and she was born again).

Well, she finally admitted to having a relationship for the past several months, except now it was ended. Why, because it was my fault! She said OM thought I was "psychotic" and was afraid I would shoot him!! I have never spoken to OM, never made threats to OM, WS, or any of her other friends. I try to call and find out where the hell she is staying so she can pick up her daughter, or remember to watch kids!

Any way, I said I will talk to attorney this week and see if we can change this to a fault divorce and get this over as fast as possible. She asked why don't I just date during the separation? I said we are still technically married and it would not be right. She said nobody would have to know. I said I would know (that pretty much sums up here ethics).

BTW, D is mad at her because WS is coming at 6:30 PM to just take her to dinner instead of spending whole day. WS asked me to give D some $ as she did not have any...again. She started to complain again about no job, apt, etc. and I told her that is not my problem and don't be late to pick up D. Then I said goodbye.

I think its funny that she thinks I stalk her when I call to find out where the hell she is so she can do her job as a mother (she does say she still want to be their mother...).

Thanks ya'll!

I have a really good guy friend (and he is only that) among two or three girlfriends here. He went to church w/me and is smack in the middle of the exact same situation. His WW started seeing, get this, her AA sponsor. AA sponsors are supposed to be of opposite sex, but not in this case.

We are also a fault state as well. I filed on grounds of A, irrevocable breakdown, and cruel treatment. I wouldn't let him get by with the no fault thing, b/c I want him to be held accountable, plus when our child is old enough to find out, he can march to the courthouse or get the docs online or something and find out for himself. He will probably find out what's up w/his dad sooner than that really.

Anyway, my buddy went for a temporary trial b/c He was Mr. Mom to his son 24/7. She would just lay in bed and do nothing or else she would leave and have these absences. He knew earlier last year she had an addiction to a pain killer, but that he had sent her to rehab. She swings from being this aggressive businesswoman wanna be to a lazy slob. He also ssupected something was going on w/AA sponsor. Suddenly this year, he finds out that the sponsor was divorcing his W. Hmmmm. He hired a pa and when his W said shw was on a trip for business, to St. Augustine at a posh hotel, he had her tailed. Sure enough, WW was there and they got AA guy going into her room.

All of this was revealed at the temp. hearing and she lost custody of their son. He is supposed to be receiving child support from her. Her parents were so angry they sent her to a clinic/rehab almost like a boot camp way far away to get her to kick the addictions and to get away from AA dude. But my friend has had enough. He doesn't want this life anymore and wants stability. She lied and lied and even lied on the stand after placing her hand on the Bible.

Unless she wants/desires to change, nothing will do that. You have the support here, and we will give it to you. Unless some kind of rehab, no hope and then there is the totally separate A and M thing to deal with also. You have a hard road to go, but we are praying and hopeful. I wish you and will pray for the best outcome and truly want your M restored. She is in so much fog from both the A's and drugs that there is for the time being, chance for clear thinking or parenting.

And don't give her any $$. She may use a little of it for your daughter's dinner, but may saving most of it for something else. Be wise and do not feed her sickness.

Oh, and you didn't screw up. You just had a moment of anger. Are you in A or B with her btw? That will tell alot. I try, although I am in a B, to whenever I have contact with him to be kind and nice, trying to invoke as much of A behavior as possible. Like no rude comments or such. But then there are times when he gets it from me. You are human. She is not behaving like a parent. You can't expect her to do that. I can't expect mine to either.

Remember the prodigal son story in the Bible? They've got to find themselves eating with the swine and hitting rock bottom until they come around. Trouble w/mine is that he is making tons of $$$ and will only hit bottom if it is emotionally or (which this what I pray for) that God speaks to his soul and breaks through to him.

Read that story. Read it hard. It is a parable, but it is in the Bible for some reason--for us to not give up on those we love totally. Yes, I am D'ing my H. But only after almost 2 years of blatant infidelity with no remorse. OW dumped him a few months ago and says that they are just "friends" and talk on phone every so often. He says she will be a friend that he will probably keep. Too bad he couldn't see that in me.

Oh well, have a good labor day and don't labor too hard on yourself. You are cool. You are keeping the faith and doing all you can for your family. Remember this. I like to think of MB and those who adhere to its principles like extreme sports heroes. We live life a bit differently. It's so easy to do the fun thing or the thing that feels good. It takes a braver and more daring person to do what is right. Yep, we are different, but stronger and even cooler than the rest for just that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey Peach:

I think I was in Plan A for the past couple of years. I read stuff like the Five Love Langauges which said to do stuff they would enjoy. I asked her to tell me what things she liked and she said "let me have fun". I hid her addictions from all of our friends and relatives. Perhaps I was enabling her instead. She ahs been saying a lot lately I enabled her in all of this.

Plan B or a derivative thereof kicked in when I was informed by her step-mom that Karen was heavy in addiction with Oxycontin (snorting) in late May. I confronted her and said get treatment or get out. She freaked out, calmed down then went to treatment at a methadone clinic for about a month then she quit. She said she quit because of the cost. I feel that she did not want to do a urinalysis everyday before 9:00 AM.

So she swore she was drug free. Then I found from a neighbor that she had an A several years ago. She finally admitted after being backed into a corner (figuratively) that she slept with a 19 y/o fitness assistant at her raquet club (no wonder she never wanted me to go with her!).

Then she went out for a straight week until 3-4 in the morning. She said it was helping her through withdrawals. I finally had it and said go back to treatment and get counseling or leave for good. So, she decided to leave for good. I quit drinking wine with dinner the day she left because I was so disgusted with her actions involving alcohol (throw up in bar, pass out in car, etc) whil I was at home with the kids. This was in mid July.

Several weeks ago, I informed all the parents of the truth. They are all shocked and say they want to support me and the kids as much as possible. I have completely lost all respect for her. I do not believe anything she says anymore. So when she swears she is drug free, I simply cannot believe her.

For the past month, she has been castigating me for thinking she is another affair (e.g., "Do you think I am a f___ing idiot?!", "F___ you! You can't prove anything", etc.) Then just this morning, she did admit to being in an affair. She said they almost went all the way but he stopped at the "critical moment". The she said "Can you believe how I felt being turned down!!!"

So she is out on her own. I am picking up all of the child care and may try to help her a little for rent (she was bragging to her friends last week that I was going to pay the whole $1,100/mo rent!! I had a coughing fit I laughed so hard!!)

Even if she wanted to come back (which I doubt in the extreme), I don't think I could. I would try to forgive (I probably already have in my heart although I still get PO'd thinking of all she put me and our children through), but I could never get back with her. There is too much lying and deception. I would never be able to trust her.

There is lots more in the details, but I am a slow typist and I promised my boys I would cook them hamburgers. STBX said she will be here at 6:30 to pick up D for dinner. Hope she's not late...

Thanks Peach for reading...it helps to vent!!!!!

Pete

pETE,

I only have a few minutes right now - you are not dealing with a sane rational person (you know that) now, all bets are off on MB or any other similar strategies. She MUST take care of her addictions BEFORE you can even begin to rebuild your M, if you so choose. In the new edition of Love Busters there are stories there as well.

I have spent a lot of time in AA and Alanon rooms and have seen this over and over, plus I deal with one in my WH.

She needs to hit her own bottom and none of us know what that will take. Do not enable her, but separate yourself from her with love. What if she had cancer, would you treat her this way? She has an illness, unfortunatley one that affects her character and morals.

Maybe the best thing you can do for her is DV, but again, I encourage to do so with love.

I'll come back later & re-read the post in more depth, just skimmed thru.

God Bless,

D.

PS I am a sober alcoholic of 10 years. (Not sure If I told you that before)

<small>[ September 03, 2002, 03:39 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>