Hey, there Peachy, cajunky, ttmo, and Momof4:

Hope you are doing well on your 'improvement' plans...heck you're just tweaking perfection, anyway, right?

Atkins is going well for me and I did a little NordicTracking tonight. Could do only a few minutes, but felt just like the old days.

This is a great idea...x-spouses will be very jealous, indeed!

Good luck and God bless all,
c++_guy

<small>[ September 04, 2002, 07:59 PM: Message edited by: c++_guy ]</small>

My improvement plans are good. In fact the owner of the health club I belong to(long time friend and fellow church member) asked me if I would be interested in doing new member orientations for him. He said my personality would be a great asset to his club. He also talked to me about becoming a personal trainer for the club. I will have to think about that one. I will pray about both before I make a committment but it made me feel good that he thought I would be an asset.

IF my wife notices I don't think she will be at all jealous(she was never one to tell me I looked good) but I hope she will see the continued positive changes in me and desire me again one day. Yes, I still love her tremendously.

Praying for you guys.

Love in Christ
cajunky

<small>[ September 05, 2002, 09:05 AM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

Can I join the club. I already lost the weight, thanks to the A and now i just want to be happy. Did you all list your goals anywhere. I have about a million.

Georgia, Oh to have long hair. I just chopped mine yesterday, as well as burnt my A$$ in the tanning bed. The things we do at 3.. somthing to feel better.

Confused (sounds like you need a new name <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ))

Don't be so hard on the cute waitress, it could have been me, and im 3... She was probably thinking what a wonderful dad. That actually happened to me this last weekend. This guy made me realize that there are family men out there.. It really made me think. Best of luck (pardon my spelling and stuff. i teach school too and gosh im embarrased but to tired to fix it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think this is an awesome idea:)
I've lost crazy weight since d-day,and durig the seperation,,honestly,i feel like a million bucks,,I have to say,,it makes me feel awesome when I know that my stbx/wh is trying to check me out with out me noticing,,lol,
I decided to return to school his coming semester,and right now thats my biggest project,,cant wait to read ad post more!!
Boots

<small>[ September 07, 2002, 08:20 PM: Message edited by: mzboots ]</small>

Had a good and bad day today. My youngest son's first real soccer game this morning. He is 5 and all the kids on his team looked so much smaller than he did. He is a tall and big kid, not fat, but definitely a solid block of a kid. He kept talking with this little wisp of a girl that couldn't ahve weighed more than 20 lbs. Anyway, everykid out there kicked the ball when it came in front of him/her. No matter which direction they were facing, they just hauled off and kicked.
It was a very fun morning.

This afternoon however was not so great. My boys are with my wife this weekend. And unfortunately I didn't have to work or moonlight or do my hair or anything. I tried a little painting but just couldn't get into it. I thought about working on some jewelry, but I really don't ahve a piece going and couldn't really come up with anything. I went over to our old house to repair a few scratches that I had made while moving out. Took about 2 minutes. I can't belive that she was going on so badly about them, but I did make them and I should have fixed them sooner. My wife left so we wouldn't be together too much. I am glad of that. If she would have seen me cry as much as I did, she would have thought I was trying to manipulate her.

Did laundry while at her house. That was rough, because I sat in our old chair and watched TV while I waited for the clothes. Man, looking around in that house just kills me. I am definitely a family man. I need to have a family. I need to have a wife and children. I rely on their presence to give my existance meaning. I have always dreamed of being a good daddy and husband. I thought I had the world in my pocket. Today made me really realize just how much I need my family. I know that it will not be as it was and will not be with her, however, I want so badly to have someone to hold. Someone to lay my head on. Someone to put my hand on in the middle of the night, just to know that she is there. Somebody to think about during the day. Wow, I am useless as a single man. I know that I have my children and I am focusing on them with everything that I have. This helps, but I miss the love of another. I miss the desire to be close. I miss so much about the type of person I was becoming when the final blow came. I was loving the changes I was making. I was loving the things I was doing for my wife to show her how much she meant to me.

I had made that a part of my life, and now not only have I lost my wife and family (in essence), but I have lost the ability to continue to work and change into the man that I so much want to still become. I feel like I have a rope attached to my back and after running as fast as I could for 4 months, I hit the end and it has jerked me backwards a bit. I stand there looking around saying, OK, I can accept the fate that I have made for myself, but I am ready to continue on with this new life I have/am creating. I REALLY want to have someone to share myself with, now more than at any time before in my life.

Confused--
Your last message really touched me. I completely understand. Hang in there. I have a sticker on my fridge that says "Dont worry about tommorro, God is already there". Sounds like you were doing really good and you hit this bump in the road today. I pray that tommorro will be better for you.
Christine

Formerly...I know just what you are feeling.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Man, looking around in that house just kills me. I am definitely a family man. I need to have a family. I need to have a wife and children. I rely on their presence to give my existance meaning. I have always dreamed of being a good daddy and husband. I thought I had the world in my pocket. Today made me really realize just how much I need my family. I know that it will not be as it was and will not be with her, however, I want so badly to have someone to hold. Someone to lay my head on. Someone to put my hand on in the middle of the night, just to know that she is there. Somebody to think about during the day. Wow, I am useless as a single man. I know that I have my children and I am focusing on them with everything that I have. This helps, but I miss the love of another. I miss the desire to be close. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am definitely a family man. I feel so alienated from my kids now. It really hurts. I love my wife dearly and miss the family time together that we so much enjoyed. I absolutely hate the single life. I am just like you when you said you cried your eyes out. I was over at our old house the other day cleaning up to sell it and I just broke down and cried for a while because I miss my wife and kids so bad. The true inner hurt is so unbearable.

Is it just us or do you think they hurt like we do?

I am still praying to God everyday that he will bring my wife back to me so we can be a family again. God may put both our marriages back together one day. Just keep praying for it and let God have it.

Praying for you right now. I know your pain all to well.

Love in Christ
cajunky

<small>[ September 09, 2002, 09:52 PM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

Just a small update:
Went last nite and help a good friend of mine at the Christian nite club that our church has opened. I had an awesome experience. A lady in my sunday school shared some things with me about her husband and right there in the club we prayed together. She came to me because she knew he had prayed for my marriage and was wanting some help. It felt so good that God would trust me with a situation like this again.

Also, I was approached about helping out with the college age kids at our church and possibly teaching class sometimes. I am going to visit the class next sunday and pray about what God wants me to do. The awesome thing about it is I have been praying for God to show me where he wants me to serve. Is this an answer to prayer? Stay tuned for the answer....lol.

I still love my wife dearly so maybe god is making me ready for her.

Love in Christ
cajunky

<small>[ September 08, 2002, 02:24 PM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

Sun. afternoon:

to FCC: It is ok. I cannot and will not under any circumstance go to or go inside STBX's house b/c it was my dream house, the one I planned. Flat out refuse to this day to go inside.

We all have days like this one. It is normal. is a bump in the road, that's all. You are doing your best. Are you doing either plan A or B? That helps. Let me know what you are doing actively. I've been in B for sometime now except for last week being the only exception in soo very long. But I am back to B and if I have contact, act kind and like A says to. That way, extremely limited contact plus if he has to ever deal with me, I am kind and he has to think good thoughts about me.

My weekend: RED SPORTSCARS AND A GLASS OF TEA
Found scorpions at my house last week and went bezerk! They don't have these yucky things back home..So I went to Loew's to get some stuff to kill them and was in a long line. Started talking in line innocently to the guy behind me. He said he had a landscaping business and also did real estate and started to tell me what his guys used on the scorpions...Blah blah blah. Anyway, he then asked what I did, told him and he asked where I worked. Just small talk. Anyway, go to work on Friday and later in the afternoon, Mr. X calls. I was shocked. He was relly attractive. He asks if I've eaten lunch yet and I said" Are you kidding, they double book me w/patients..What's lunch?" Plus, I am not ready despite all the time passed, to embark dating. He then says that could he at least bring me something to drink? I thought he must be in the area near where I work. I work about 30 miles from home. One side of the practice is almost a complete wall of windows. It was later on and most of the docs I work with had gone home early and I was only one there seeing patients/doing studies. The nurses and MA's were all staring out the window. One said, "hey there is this cute guy down below getting outta a red ferrari!" I said "hey let me see that too". Ok so I do have a pulse..WE don't get that alot around work. Astonishingly, it was the Loew's guy. Glass of tea was in hand. The staff almost fell down. You would have thought it was prince charming carrying a glass slipper. This guy drove over 30 miles to bring me a cup of tea. He and I talked after I saw last patient for about 30 minutes and I told him what was going on with me. Told me that whenever I wanted to do something to let him know and until then it was fine to be friends. I am not going to really push the friendship b/c it might not be what I really want now.

Anyway, I went walking/jogging for about 45 min. yesterday and subdivision is very hilly. I am going again today and to tanning bed to get a bit of color and maybe to mall for a bit. But had to let you guys know that although I am not yet at my physical peak by any means, that I am not dead yet. Last night was so fun. My friend and I went to eat a bit of sushi then she and I went out to a different but cool part of town that we'd both never been in and had fun. It was an Irish like pub thing. Had a blast. And did indeed turn heads. At least I am gaining confidence again. It is hard sometimes b/c I am the one busting my own confidence. We are all doing great here, guys, and we don't need to sell ourselves short.

We may be in a hard way, but we are for the most part, it seems, improving our souls/minds for following MB principles. We are doing so much more by working on ourselves as well and that is good and follows part of A. I'm not really in any A type plan except for my few responses to STBXH, but think working on me is helping so much...

way to go Peachy!!!!! Its hugely flattering to be seen by the opposite sex again,,makes you feel great doesnt it:)...
I'm working on my social life,,this a self improvement project that needs work...I have to say,that when the reality of seperation and impending D,,hit I went a little crazy,,lots of clubbing and parties,,I've truly had fun,,but realized recently,that its not so much fun anymore,but HATE being home alone when my sons at his dads,,so go anyway,,and usually end up with a nasty hangover..sooo,,im laying off the weekend sauce,,,
I recently read a book,,i'd love to recomend,,its called *when god writes your love story*,,awesome for those re entering the singles scene!!! I know,,that generally its recomended you wait a year,,but durn,,im tired of being alone,and even though he's been gone just under a year,ive been alone for much longer in reality..whats your guy's take on dateing,,or not?

I would like to start dating soon, but know that I am not ready yet. Not spiritually anyway. My STBX broke our vows, but I am just not ready yet and almost feel bad about even wanting to date now. So....I wont for a while.

I went for a walk tonight and started listening to a book on tape by T. Clancy. I like action/adventure. It is really good. Again, I am distracting myself. Am going to fold a load of clothes or two and then mop floor in kitchen, and three bathrooms and call it bed time. Mzboots: I know how you feel. I haven't started the clubbing yet, just a few ventures out now and then. I almost feel way too old for that scene anyhow. Also re arranged a bit of furniture tonight and went to bombay outlet and got a pretty (75% off) flower arrangement in a fancy urn for my garden tub, and a new designer purse (on sale of course and if it wasn't could not have bought it) and some yurman type jewelry knockoffs at outlet mall as I needed some new earrings. Now I have 2 nice purses. Am going back there tomorrow to start looking and pricing nice clothes. Of course, they are on sale. Want three mix/match sets for professional/church and three mix/match for social (?). Also want to start looking for fall stuff for son. Need to work on banking and I am going to set up online account after signing off tonight.

Please pray for me, son and H. I know it is probably too late, but I am still prayerful God can help H change one day. I do not know if it will be in time of D, but who knows. Unlike others, his A has hit light of day for almost a year now and only two mos. ago did it hit the skids possibly. No signs of reconciliation at all unless you count last week. I can't believe i let him spend the night and for 8 hours behave as my H. That was weird. I have to just forget about that. At least I am caught up on sleep now. That is good b/c they've overbooked me tomorrow at the clinic again and I will be zonked out by the end of the day.

Check in w/you guys before bed. PLEASE PRAY AND PRAY HARD FOR US!

Tough day today.

Went to church which is always great. Signed up to teach/proctor/corral/whatever you do with kindergarteners. hehe. Also went to the gym. Feeling better there since I have been going for a couple weeks. Strength returning and my muscles seem to be remembereing a little bit of their old size and tone. Glad I bought the large shirts, because the shoulders in a mediun I had are too tight now.

Anyway, bought some new glasses. My wife told me she liked them, but hasn't said anything about how I look otherwise. I also bought a bunch of clothes on sale the other day. Figured it up and overall saved about $450 since everything was 75% off and an additional 15% of that. Cuffed linen pants for $11. Man I will be glad when this fellowship is finished. I work like a Dr. but get paid less than my nurses. Oh well, they do a great job and I can't complain about my earnings. It keeps a roof over my boys head and food in their bellys.

I still think I will buy the things on sale, but maybe I will be able to wear them for longer than a month or two before the season is over. I will have alot of things for next year though.

Overall I am pretty happy with my outward appearance. I was kind of talking with one of my nurses and telling her about my fears of ever meeting someone and even fear of dating. She laughed and said,"You have to be kidding. You are a great guy. You are kind and funny. You are a doctor and not only that but smart enough to have chosen Neurointerventional, so you get paid and get a life to boot. And then there are your looks." and she just left it at that. I didn't have the guts to ask her what she meant, but she kind of just looked me up and down and slowly shook her head a few times, clicked her tongue and walked off. Made me feel good, but then again everything she said scared the heck out of me.

When I met my wife, I was a carryout at the grocery store. She married me for love, nothing about money. Now when/if I get married again, it will be a whole different game. I will be very well off, and it scares me to think that money may influence someones love of me. Maybe to the point that without it she wouldn't want me. I am terrified about that. My friend says to keep my old jeep. "Take them out on a date in your jeep, then if they agree to a second date, you know they aren't here for the money." haha He hates my Jeep.

I am also worried about my children. Will she like them? Will she accept them? Will she love them? Will she say she does because she loves me, but in reality will she just tolerate them for a while until they get on her nerves? Oh man I get scared just thinking about it.

In some ways I want her to have been divorced so she understands what I have been through, but in reality, I would like her to have never been married, because I don't want anyone to have to go through what I have/am going through. In some ways I want her to have children. In others I hope she doesn't so we can't be at odds about our children. In some ways i think I might want to have more children with her. I would so much like to have a litle girl. I would really like to share that intimacy with my wife. But in others, I think I would rather just keep what I have in the two wonderful boys of mine and raise them and no one else. Oh, boy..... I am glad I am not the only person involved, because I need her to be strong willed and let me know how she feels.

My perfect woman:
- Loves me as much as I love her. / Absolutely did not have that in my marriage.
- I want my wife to be smart and strong willed. I want someone that can change my mind. I want someone who can take her issue and explain it and back it up and help me to understand her view. I really want this. / My wife always had a view, but she was rarely able to help me to understand it. She just believed something and that was that, I should accept it. I just couldn't exist in that world, therefore, I "won" disagreements because I could explain why I thought the way I did.

- I want my wife to want to be with me and to take HER time to make it happen./ Never once in 14 years did my wife just show up at work or wherever I might be out of the blue. I want my wife to just come to my job and watch me work for a little while and then take me to lunch. Even if it is in the cafeteria at the hospital. (Oh, I also want her to pay.) hehe

- I want my wife to be sexy and adventurous. I want her to love to touch and be touched. I want her to love making love. I want her to be aggressive enough to not only initiate, but to lead sometimes./ My wife would initiate, then just sit back and be passive. I almost felt like just stopping so many times because of it. I would have had I not felt that it would have created more problems than it would have solved. I think that too often women feel like they either need to be passive, or want to be passive. Now I like to be the leader and initiator, I hve never been accused of not letting her know what I was thinking. But I always secretly wished that she would just take me from beginning to end, just for my pleasure. Just to show me how much she loved me, without any expectations for herself. (Well I guess it has been a while, I realized that I wrote the most about this subject.) haha

- I want a wife who wants something more than just what I can give her. I want her to desire to accomplish something on her own, not just rely on me. I don't want her to exclude me, that is not what I am saying, but I want her to be successful in her own right, I don't care what it is. / My wife was a successful teacher, but she was ready to quit as soon as I finished my fellowship. Kind of odd since a week or two ago, she accused me of "holding back her career." Go figure.

- I want a wife that can figure out that just because you are headed a certain direction in the car and you are looking at a map, that the front of the car isn't necessarily pointing North. haha
Bit of humor, my wife had absolutely no sense of direction. In fact when driving, it was absolutely safe to ask her which direction and then go the opposite. It was a running joke for 14 years.

There are so many things that I want, but I read a post by someone a few weeks ago. They said that you don't fill a position to be the same as what left that position. You fill a position with someone that can take that job and turn it into their own. I just hope that my wife may have a few of these traits.

Good day today after a horrible weekend. Took my boys out for a couple hours yesterday and went to the Putt-Putt place nearby. That was great. They told me repeatedly how much they enjoyed it. I asked them what they do with their mom and they said, play video games and watch TV. I asked if she played games with them and they said NO, she just goes off and reads or does something else. I can absolutely believe this. She was never involved in their daily activities. She took them to their friend's birthday party this weekend and took them to a school movie, but she just dropped them off. Never really interacted with them they said. Again I believe this completely, she just doesn't like the incovenience of her children. Not that she is a bad mother, she loves them very much and cares for them. She is a great cook and I know that she cares about them, but in their daily lives, that is the end of her interaction. When they are fed, they should go off and do something else.

We rarely watch TV at our house. We are usually playing a game or dinosaurs or something. Now I understand that they are boys and I am their father so these are the types of things that daddies do. But I just wish that she would be more involved in their lives. They seem to enjoy going to her house only because they can play Playstation and watch TV. I made a point last weekend of not planning too much so that we could just 'hang out at home' some, but good Lord, a whole day at home is murder. TV just isn't that interesting. But I hve developed a liking for Dragonball Z, haha, my boys love it so in order to have a conversation with them and feel somewhat knowledgable I have learned the difference between Vageta and Super Sayan - Goku.

The last few days were tough after spending some time at her house doing laundry and fixing a few things. I guarantee that is the last time that will happen. It took me two days to get over it. But today I am feeling great. Each day I have a downward spiral like this weekend, I tend to come out the other side stronger and more resolved and free. I am free of her I believe, but I am yet to be free of the loss of my wife. That still kills me. I am hoping that I can also learn to come to grips with my children's fate of divorce. They seem to be doing well and I will have to continue working on that for the rest of my life.

As far as my inner self I rate it about a 7/8 today. Feeling pretty good at the moment, dreading having to hear from her. I get my boys tonight and we are going to paint some pictures for our walls. We still have a few bare areas that need filling.

Been geting some very nice comments on my appearance the last week or two. I think the new FITTING clothes have shown people that I havn't just wasted away, but actually have some sort of body beneath all that cloth of old that may just be worth a glance. Going to work back and legs tonight. Boys have been begging me to take them back to the gym again. But I havn't had them for the last 5 days except for a couple hours yesterday.

Hope everyone is doing well. I have enough good energy to go around today so if you need some just let me know. My smile today is feeling the love. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ September 09, 2002, 02:14 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Dear Formerly Confused.

I know this won't be popular. however, maybe a little slack is needed. I let my kids watch tv, and my son loves his play station. I just don't have enough time in the day to do all my work. so consequently. They spend more time than i think is ok, being alone or together with eachother than they do with me. All of the home responsibilties fall on me, and i also work all day so unless they clean or work, or cook with me ( which they do, we made Chocolate chip and peanut butter cookies this weekend, ) they are alone alot. Maybe she is depressed or tired GOD ONLY KNOWS. I wish i could play with my kids more. I know i am missing alot by not. And sometimes that makes me cry.

It is not that I am hammering her about her lack of involvement, but she said to me that she felt that this divorce would "be good for the kids." and yet, I have been the only one that has been doing anything with the kids. Maybe that is what she meant. I wouldn't be spending time working on our marriage, therefore I would have more time being with them.

I do not condemn TV or video games, don't get me wrong. And I know that especially if you are the only parent then time requires that somethings give. But I have the children half the time. She has plenty of time to do things when they are not at her house. I am capable of getting things done so that my time with my children is truly time with my children. While I was at her house the other day, I couldn't get over how dirty it was. Things that hadn't been moved or cleaned since I left over a month ago. The yard has gone to pot. I know that these are things that I used to do, but she wanted this divorce, and SHE must now do those types of things. Either that or get her boyfriend to pick up my slack. He took the pleasure and support of my wife from me, so now he and she get to have the things that were my responsibility to enjoy that support. She has done a few things, but man, I would have had my butt chewed if I had ever let things get like they are at her house.

Maybe she is depressed. But she told me just the other day that she was walking at school and realized that she felt better about herself and her situation now than she has in the last several years. That is very depressing and really hurt me for a while this weekend. Well, I hope that she is happy, because I am more miserable than I ever thought I could be in my life. But I am growing through it and will be a stronger and better man, daddy, and husband because of it.

I really try not to be critical of her and her way of being with the boys. But I just see things she is doing that she would have been furious with me, had I let them happen when we were together. I know how hard it is being alone with the boys. And I really can understand how hard it must be for her. Because she used to wait until I got home to "hand them off", but now there is no hand off so she can go read or take a bath undisturbed any more. She gets them all night, just to herself. This is her nirvana, this is what she has chosen as better than being with me. Who knows, maybe as hard as it is, she truly feels that it is preferrable to being with me. It is a humbling and sorrowful feeling that this could be true. But then again, she hasn't been truthful with me for several years, so why should I trust her now. She said "I respect and care for you." But I just couldn't say it in return. I couldn't lie to her. I have no respect for her choices and her determination to lie about there being no other man all while she plays the innocent tragic teacher so misunderstood by her husband. She seems to do this for the benefit of her friends. I wish they knew half of what I know about her. I would like to see her try to talk with her Christian friends after they found out just how "Godly" she is acting. The truth is, I really no loonger care, I just hate her walking around acting so pure while she portrays me as some scum. If it wasn't for my children,I would email everything I had to all her friends and family. Then just walk away. At least she would have to deal with reality for once in her life.

I wish I had them more. Not for their protection or for her well being, but just because I love them so much and I really enjoy being with them. I always have, I just had to split my time between her and them. Now all I have is them, and it is great being a daddy !!!!

<small>[ September 09, 2002, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Formerly Confused -

Was going to start with all of you all at the beginning of the self improvement thread, but then I said - I'm already improved, what more could I do? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Just kidding. Right now I need to think about myself but in the midst of so much legal stuff that I don't have much time to do any real work on me. I just reread that last sentence and it sounds horrible - I'm going to change that and start fitting "me" back into my life. Anyway why I posted -

Things to think about when considering new spouse - and this comes from an ex Drs. wife.

Nurses are vultures. Ok, not all, but some are, so be careful. Since you've already listed your characteristics that you want, now think about where you'd find someone with them - church is always a good place, although I met my ExH though church..... I'll have to think about that one, but I honestly think he started off ok, he just started down the wrong road somewhere.

I firmly believe in the MB principle of TIME - ESPECIALLY WITH DOCTORS. I mean think about it - who do doctors spend most of their time with? Their nurses, not their wives, thus more love units are deposited from the nurses then their wives, who have to deal with all of the "real life" issues during the short time that the doctors are home, thereby not allowing time for them to deposit the love units they need into the doctor's love bank.

Now, if the doctor puts his family first - then this can be avoided. However, my ExH thought that no sick people would ever be healed or that they would all die or somehting if HE wasn't there to save them. Hate to break it to him, but there are other doctors and the sick people will be treated and healed even if it's not done personally by ExH. So, make sure that you keep the right attitude. Basically it's all about prioirities - you put God first and everything else will fall into place. And makre sure that you spend TIME with your new spouse and kids.

Right now you are going through alot emotionally, and guys tend to move onto someone - anyone faster than the girls, so you have to be extra careful. I'd make sure that you have spent time thinking about why marriage #1 failed - such as what personality traits did WW have that she may have gotten from her family which caused her to act the way she is, so that you don't repeat the same mistake - people are drawn to what is familiar and comfortable even if it's not right for them.

Also remember all the good MB stuff like love is a choice and that even though you are infatuated with someone, you still need to make sure they are good for you, because if they're not - THERE WILL BE SOMEONE ELSE. Especially now that kids are involved.

And as far as being able to tell if people want you for your money. I suppose that may be tough. My ExH's OW said she wasn't after his money, but Ex is buying her things, taking her on trips etc. and I honestly wonder if she would have stayed with him if he had a small house and a old car and couldn't do the things that they are doing now. People like being with others who can provide them with a good lifestyle, espcially if they haven't had that good of one before.

I don't sound very encouraging do I? Actually, if you've done the work on yoruself, I think that you will probably be able to tell if someone just wants your money, and plus you can always tell them that its all going into a trust for the kids or it's all being spent on alimony(even if it's not) and see what they say. Also, kids are a pretty good judge of character and they can tell if someone is faking it. It really is hard to fake kindness, at least for a lengthy period of time.

When you started in on talking about how you wanted someone who could support their reasons, I started thinking that you needed to marry a lawyer because when I talked to my Ex I always supported my position with facts and evidence and my reasoning, but since my Ex was an ER doctor, he was into making snap decisions and didn't want all of the extra info. He just wanted the facts and thought that I was treating him like a child when I would actually explain myself to him - and then I would think that he was treating me like a child when he just wanted me to rely on all of his decisions without telling me the whys behind them. I guess it depends upon the personality type.

The books on children and divorce all recommend not hooking up with anyone for about 6 months to a year after the divorce so that the kids have a chance to adjust and so you have the time to devote to them during the adjustment period. It also gives you time to heal.

Know that there absolutely WILL be someone out there for you, and to ensure it's the right one you need to heal yourself as best can so that you will be as clear headed as you can when you enter the dating scene. And it doesn't hurt to date alot of people first to see what kind of people are out there. It will be a learning experience for sure. Try not to stress, and just take things one day at a time. Enjoy those boys. Teach them how to be good men. And the rest will follow.

The nurse was right - you will have no problem - there will be many to choose from, just don't forget to be choosy.

K

Dear Formerly,
sorry for the grouchy post yesterday, feeling the stress of everything, and PMS (lol) and very tired. Hope i didn't offend. Your kids do deserve an involved kind, patient mommy, and a resonably clean home. Your right. I'm glad that at least you are playing with them. I know that between football and dance i certainly don't play enough.

Peachy,,,keeping you in my prayers,,I understand,because i keep praying for my stbxh. I honestly dont know why tho,cause i surely dont know if id take him back. He has caused so much anguish and hurt.He is a firefighter/emt,and when the scanner goes off,,my heart flips,and i worry,then i scold myself because he has proven he just doesnt give a rats @ss,,about me or our vows,,sighs,,its a terrible cycle,,we argued last night,,,my 9 year old son,,came home after his weekend visitation,,and informed me that he got a new bed in dads room,so the OW could sleep with daddy (mind you there all in the same bedroom),,i almost had heart failure,,when i confronted him,,sparks flew,,yikes,,I just dont understand what his thinking is,and made it clear that the sleeping arrangements had best change,,or id take it up in court,,,what an awesome example this dad sets,,it makes me sick..how is that he makes me feel like a schmuck? I would NEVER bring another man into my bed,while my son was at home,,but he tried to justify it to me,,UGHHHHHHH......
I know how you all feel about people loving your child,,it is terrifying,,im a package deal,,love me love my kid:)....I even worry about wether it will be a deterent for relationships,,although i know i shouldnt even be thinking long term yet,,,its something thats gotta be addressed sooner or later..

Just an update....I have been working out full time now for a couple weeks. I have had a least 5 people tell me I am looking great. I decided to do the "Body For Life" challenge. It is a fitness program where you take a picture of yourself before you start working out. you send in paper work and pic. You workout for 12 weeks and then take another picture and you see the results. You are suppose to take their supplements but I am going to do it without supplements and see how I do. So far I guess i am doing great. At least I feel like I am.

I met the army guy my wife is seeing. He is not my wifes type. One of her biggest things when we were married is for me to dress a little nice. He went with her and kids to my inlaws for a brthday party and when I met them to pick up kids he had on a T-shirt cut off at the arms(I guess he is wanting to show off his big arms) and shorts and a army hat on. NOT the person I thought my wife would pick.

I drove by his house the other day and it looked like 'Sanford an Sons' junk yard. Old car out in yard, junk everywhere. A real surprise.

How is everyone else doing on the self improvement?

Still love my wife.

Love in Christ,
Cajunky

<small>[ September 14, 2002, 12:18 AM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

Hey guys!

It's Sat. afternoon. I am getting ready to start cleaning. I can't get a babysitter for tomorrow night b/c usual one is unavailable. So, I'm going to go to church w/son and to a single's bible study in the am there and begin the new Sun. night one in two weeks. Plus two more weeks for the new bod to emerge. We had a great day. Went to mall and bought a birthday present for one of my girlfriends. Then son and I had lunch and went to sale at Disc. Store. We got a cool planetarium that came with awesome CD and TLC Universe video also. Then we went to the greenbelt for one hour of jog/walking while son rode bike. It was overcast and very pretty. Seeing all the trees was like trekking thru forest. We are feeling pretty good. Son is watching a video. He's snacking again. I am doing good with watching that I only eat before 7 pm and then only when I'm hungry. We're kinda tired. I am going to watch a movie myself tonight after I put son to bed. Haven't heard from StBX about obtaining the check for reimbursement. He said he'd pop in...Oh well. I am going to do the A bit now and see if there is a distinct change. Make him think reeeeally hard about all of this. Just wondering about him and the Ms. Monkeyho thing. Haven't really thought about it all day until now. Bought two new books on tape. One is about how to get people to do what you want them to do. Cool! Other one is the book on tape Life Strategies, which I am reading.

Good work Cajunky! You are showing fine form in more than one way...Keep up the good work. Be the handsome, WELL DRESSED AND GROOMED INTELLIGENT man and let the other guy take notes. Shouldn't take too long for xW to notice. I am praying for you and that's why most of the time for everyone i put the x in lower case b/c I want the W or H part larger in case prayers work soon for everyone. Hey, I am a hopeful kind of gal. Anyhow, remember that change is not an overnight kind of thing. It happens slowly. W may think it is a quick fix and that permanent change may take time. That's why I am reading Life Strategies now and am going back over the MB principles and Harley Books. I am fixing ME because I want to and not for STBxH.

Started fixing myself up a tiny bit for work and the heads have been a turning. My patients comment about how blue my eyes are and how they think I'm attractive and the ones who know my plight have said that he must be insane! Had an actual offer for a somewhat date, but I have my son for the next two weekends and don't think that would be good. The guy is a physician and a friend of mine, just a friend, but wants to go out for sushi and a movie. I also don't think I'm ready yet.

Sure wish STBxH could understand what it seems everyone else does. He somewhat has mentioned this last week about my having a guy friend and seemed somewhat wierded out by that when he said the comment "how could you possibly want to get back together or why do you think I should do that when..you've got a friend who's a guy" thing. I answered him my famous line--believe me I know where to draw the line and can control myself plus it is WHAT IT IS...Ha ha. One of my friends at work says this other doc she works with says it all the time and that it gets under her skin because she just doesn't understand "WHAT IT IS". This is such an awesome phrase. Don't use it everyother breath, just once a conversation.

Would anyone else like to fog the foggy ones along with me? This can be interesting and Orchid did this very well. If we truly confuse them, they stop. Stop and say wait a minute here, what is he/she up to now? Then they will think we are doing something they do not know about or understand because we are not letting them in on it. Controlling ones do not like this one I'll bet. Maybe I can add more insight after listening to the other book on tape about influencing people to do what you want. This will be cool. Ciao guys.