Ok... may not be the right board, but I thought I'd try posting here.

For those of you who did not have a horrible marriage - more of a convience or freindship marriage... what was the last straw? What ruined the marriage? Now that its over can you see a way that would have made it better?

Sorry for all the ???s - I'm married. Not happy - not miserable. I care for my H, but don't feel love for him anymore. Have had a PA and just ended a short EA... not sure what to do anymore... anyone here have any advice before I may through it all away?

Thanks

Losing all hope,
I didn't have a convience marriage, horrible marriage, or friendship marriage.
I had a "M" that lasted for 23 yrs., until my STBXW went out and had an "A".
It sounds like you may want to salvage your "M", even with the "As" that you have had already.
If I'm correct in that assumption, then I commend you for finding this site and asking what advice you can get before throwing it all away.
IMHO, communication is key here... as it appears that your "M" is void of it.
I would read all the information on this site and get your "H" involved as well, and begin utilizing the "MBers" principals, and start communicating with each other.
It appears that you both have quite a bit to discuss.
You and your "H" have some work to do in order to restore your "M" to the way you may both would like to have it.
It's much easier to repair a marriage that has been broken when both spouses are committed in it's restoration, than to run and start all over again.
Good Luck!
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Wallace -
Thanks for your response. I'm sorry about your wife and your feelings for her... you seem to have a big of anger built up towards her. I hope one day you can over come that.

As for me and my marriage. My H knows about both As... well... knows about PA and knows I'm attracted to OM but not that it was an EA. He is pretty forgiving with that - for the most part. I know he still struggles with it and actually I'm pretty shocked that he has stayed with me. As for both of us trying... We have. We have had a lot of problems throughout the years. We have both tried here and there. Most of the time its... we try for a short time then fall off... then try.. then fall off... personally we are both sick of the roller coaster. The EM is recent - and I feel that if I could head there again that I should not be with my H - I shouldn't do this to him again. I didnt' let it get physical - but I could have. And its wierd... now that he is wanting to try again... I am losing my motivation to work at it again. So I guess my ? is really how to get back my motivation?

Anyway... thanks again.

Thanks for coming here for encouragement. D is horrible. My H has had 2 that I know of A's. One lasted over a year and a half and is what drove me to D. We are still separated and am in the finalization process and probably one more court date.

Remember this also. A vow is a promise and is something you make to your spouse and to God. When you violate that you violate both man's law and God's as well.

The Bible just doesn't give you reason to divorce b/c of lack of whatever or you just feel "friendship" and that "love thing" has gone. My STBX has used the same excuses, except before that woman and (even during)we were good friends and had a good life. He just doesn't remember that and has been just making rationalizations and excuses to justify ripping apart a family for his own selfish motivation. That is called the fog.

Please stay here and learn. REad alot about ending the A. If you do wish to do it, has to be COLD TURKEY. Plain and simple. No waffling. I finally had enough last September and filed. Couldn't take the ride any longer. He has not yet repented. I am not waiting to see any longer. It's always more exciting to be with someone new, someone that loves to hear your stories b/c it's all NEW. That excitement and feeling will NOT LAST. It's destined to fail. You have a choice here. I sure wish someone would have directed STBX to this site, b/c it's alot easier rebuilding a love relationship that is blessed than to tear down a family forever. The scars last. Sure, God can bring back the dead and can work miracles, but only He can work in my M now. I am resigned to this fact. I am praying each day but am not letting my life go. I am an attractive woman, a fine mother, and a good friend to my buddies. He says he is just now noticing some of this in me again. Isn't it horrible that he took it all for granted? His loss may one day be another man's gain, when and if I am ready. But always remember this as well--grass is much greener over A SEPTIC TANK.

I am so glad to meet you, but know that my response to you is not one of anger, but of tough love b/c I don't want another person to make this same stupid mistake. The nights my little boy (then age 2) would scream for his daddy and ask me "where daddy?" would rip your heart out. He never heard those screams, I did. That alone almost drove me to my knees. Another night my son was sick and was admitted to the hospital. Again, I couldn't find my H. His son kept calling and screaming his name while they placed iv's in him. It almost made me collapse and I am in the med field and do that all the time. Think about everyone involved, and I mean directly involved and that is your family, not the other person. You owe them nothing.

Will pray for you. There is help here, but if you want it and you don't give rationalizations b/c in reality these things just don't fly. They just sound good to make yourself feel better.

God bless you and hope that you will find friends here who will cheer when all is well, and cry when you cry, and show tough love when needed.

LAH - I would also like to add that when you read the MB stuff AND follow it - you are supposed to not just have a good marriage, but a GREAT marriage.

Go read some posts from the recovery board from people who have recovered and they will tell you that their marriage is better than they ever thought it could be.

If you can, go into counseling with the counselors here at MB. Even if you only have one session, they can give you all the statistics and data that they've collected by working with thousands of couples about how those marriages were restored and going strong.

No one wants to be in a marriage that you describe - so don't be - make it an incredible awesome experience and try out the ideas that you read about here - do the questionairres, stop Love Busting, use the Policy of Joint Agreement, and above all SPEND TIME TOGETHER - it's recommended that the spouses need to take a vacation together to jump start this process and then it's 30 hours a week together time and then 15 hours a week maintenance.

Don't know it until you've tried it, and supposedly if you do it right, you get results.

Good Luck!

K

Hi, and welcome! It's nice to see someone here relatively new..
I feel like MB has saved me from myself in many ways. Definitely saved M, and my sanity....
We started following all the principles outlined on the website.

My H took a bit of convincing, and I still have to bring the concepts to him. But he does listen, and use enough of them to keep me happy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm married. Not happy - not miserable. I care for my H, but don't feel love for him anymore. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, LAH, in my case, within 2 months we were in love again. I just looked across the tennis court (15 hours a week of face to face time made the difference for us.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) And I Was In LovE(still am)!! He looked so cute/wonderful to me. I agree w/GIIC, this site is about building your M to be GREAT, not ho-hum or tolerable.

Anyway, hope this helps. These concepts were not that difficult to learn/use, and they work almost instantly.
-bbs