To sum up the situation: I moved with the children over 3 months ago to remove us from an abusive home situation. Due to the no contact order, I haven't spoken to my stbx since May 21. However, he does have the children two nights a week and every other weekend, and I have tried to be positive with the kids about their dad.

Yesterday both my stbx and I received letters that our court date for the divorce is to be set. This is a formality, I hope to settle the whole thing out of court. Tonite the children came back from dad's very agitated.....the 6 year old announced that I'm a liar, the 11 year old announced that he wants to live with dad and the 9 year old was upset because dad told her I'm "trying to get back at him". So, we talked. He had told the kids that I backed him up against a garbage can in the garage and hit him. Sigh, I had to explain what really happened....not that any of this should have been told to the children. (For the record, he was yelling at me and threatening, so I went out to the garage to get away from him. He followed me and began to yell and tell me how fat I am, a poor cook, frigid, a hypocrite, not a Christian and on and on nonstop, his face inches from mine. I snapped and couldn't stand the words coming out of his mouth and slapped his face. He responded by laughing and saying "see, you're the violent one, not me. YOU hit ME!") Of course I was devestated that I had done such a thing and apologized and went inside and tried to be a better housekeeper and cook and mother and wife......
How do I explain to the children what 12 years of verbal and emotional abuse does to a person? How do I stop him from using them as pawns in his game to hurt me? I think he will fight for custody of them, and that would be the worst thing that could happen to them.....I really do believe I'll win, but the emotional toll it will take on all of us may make winning a hollow victory.
Help!

Annavon,

That's a hard question to answer. My Ex is verbally abusive - but not as abusive as yours seems to be - and he too likes to tell the kids way more than they should know -

however, he does this because he cannot stand to be the bad guy! He and OW refuse to take any blame, and go to any lengths to try and justify their actions to the kids.

Now the kids have seen their dad knock me against a wall, but somehow only bring up the fact that mommy called the police on daddy and mommy yelled at daddy - not that dad deserved any of it.

I have tried to do what the books tell you to do and not bring up all the adult stuff and keep the kids from knowing the nitty gritty, but it's so hard when they are getting false info. from the other parent just to save face.

I would document what they say - could be used in a parental alienation case against Ex, and make sure that they have an independent adult whom they trust to talk to about this. That way, when they bring up an incident they can get an uninvolved party's opinion, which helps them figure out what exactly to believe.

I've heard from others that as long as we don't engage in that type of behavior against the other spouse - talking bad about them - then the kids will eventually see the other spouse for who they are and will be glad that you were able to stand up to our spouse and were stong enough to do something about your situation.

And it's also ok to tell the kids that mommy and daddy are angry at each other right now(they already know that) and that sometimes when people get angry they say things in anger(just like they do when they fight with each other), and if you want you could always add that daddy hurt you with his words really badly and you slapped him. You're human, you make mistakes and that you'll try no to do it again. Or you can say that some things are for them to know the whole story when they are older. - I'm just throwing some things out there. It's really impossible to know what to say and not committing parental alienation yourself, but the truth, in small doses, can be affective.

Sorry that your kids have to be dragged into this.

They'll see through all that one day. Just teach them the best way you can, and be a good example and it will be ok.

K

Hi Annavon,
You know, your H is really something else... I hope you are writing all this down. It is very unfair of him to drag the children right in the middle of his scheme to make you look like the bad guy. I pray that he doesn't get those kids. I doubt if he will but I truly pray that not only will he lose primary custody, but that his visits should be supervised. Hmmm... wonder if you could have something written in the agreement where he would have to take parenting classes so he can learn what is appropriate to discuss in front of children so young!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I'm not much help, huh? I think all you can do at this point is to pray and ask God to forgive you for choosing such a man to submit to. You know the Word says we should submit to our husbands, but I believe this goes for husbands who are truly submitted to God's authority. From what I have read in all your posts, your H has never been truly submitted to God's authority. I believe this is an opportunity for a miracle from God. It's time for God to intervene. I think we should just pray, pray, pray for your stbx and the kids and this whole situation.

I don't think you can explain to the kids what this relationship has done to you. You can only take steps toward being healthy yourself and teach your kids how to choose the right mate when they get older. For example, if they have doubts, don't dismiss them, but really listen to their hearts if there is any hesitation whatsoever.

For now, your kids probably need reassurance that you love them and that God will take care of everything and everything will be okay. The Lord knows that your H is trying to turn the kids against you. Try not to worry and let this eat you up. Cast it on the Lord. ((((HUGS))))

<small>[ September 04, 2002, 03:53 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

My heart goes out to you. You are going down a scary frustrating road that is difficult. I, too, endured years of emotional and verbal abuse. The abuse continues everytime the children see their father. Most people don't involve their kids, but abusive parents do. Their number one goal is to torture you and what better way then through the kids. My ex told my kids horrible things...I had two very messed up children for nearly three years. It has only been recently that my children are starting to see that their father was the one who lied. He would tell the kids that the divorce was all my fault, that I was an adulterous, that I wanted to get rid of the children just like I got rid of him...it was awful. He would tell them that I was devestating the finances....that I was evil and cruel. I tried to not bad mouth their father...hoping that eventually they would learn the truth. It never occured to him that I was divorcing him because I was tired of the neglect and abuse....there wasn't an OM or was I having a MLC...

I know from experience that you are wasting your breath trying to talk reason to your stbx. Tell him, that if he continues to bad mouth you to the children, upsetting them, then you will take him back to court and have supervised visitation put on and then hang up. Children have a difficult time as it is when both parents try and be good parents...they really have difficulty when they come from a home where abuse was the norm...and they continue to be subjected to it from the other parent. Children learn from their parents...I know when I heard the disrespect coming out of their mouth like their father...it gave me chills.

Kids love both their parents and don't have the reasoning capabilities that adults have...also when the kids are away from the non-custodial parent...they have a tendency to romance the family and how it was...having your ex reinforce that you are to blame is going to cause you mega problems down the road with the kids blaming you.

Good luck,

One of the good....and bad...aspects of my situation is that I have a no contact order in place. (When he threatened that he could be waiting for me with a shotgun sometime when I came home, that was too much). I have not talked to him since May 21st, and ALL communication is thru the lawyers, and of course somewhat thru the children, altho that's unintentional. I don't give them messages for him; however he violated the order several times at first by speaking to me and giving me letters....after being arrested twice he stopped that.
The children told him that we went to see my parents this weekend and that my dad was just out of the hospital after having chemotherapy for cancer. He told them to let him know if anything happened to my parents so he could send flowers to the funeral!!!!!! Don't you think if he cared so much he could send a get well card instead?
Ironically, he says he would make a better parent because I'm emotionally unstable. This is the same guy who left my children alone with the neighbor's 7 children under 12 (by 6 men) so he could go riding on his Harley with her! (She conveniently kicked her husband out a week after I left). Oh, and his friend Tammy has been buyiing the kids video games...they haven't met her yet, but they say they know they'll like her cuz daddy says she's really nice.
Grrrrr........
Just had to vent a little....