Crap...I don't know if I just screwed up...

STBX came in this morning to watch kids. She looked like crap. I asked her what was wrong and shee said she slept in her car last night. Her friend from methadone clinic is having severe marital problems and were having a huge fight so WS couldn't stay there.

I asked her why she didn't sleep at her boyfriend's (I confess I did have a hint of sarcasm in my voice). She said she didn't want to do that.

Then I started to feel like crap. I told her she could stay at the house if: she started personal therapy/counseling (not marriage counseling) and did not go out at all with anyone. She said thanks (but she didn't say yes). Would this affect the separation aggreement?

Is she playing me to get a free place to crash or has she hit bottom? I'm still on her to get a job too (she puts in applications but that is all so far...)

Things that make you go hmmm...

Thanks!

Pete

<small>[ September 04, 2002, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: Time to Move on ]</small>

TTMO:

I don't know if you screwed up here.It's hard to switch off feelings like a light switch. Also, normal human decency & compassion also kicks in. You semmed to respond OK, I think. Is she playing you? Hard to tell, although I don't think so. You know her a lot better. People can become extremely creative when desperate.

Being a "guardian" to your ex, STBX, whatever, is not uncommon. When I became divorced, I maintained a friendly relationship with my ex. We visited often, I could visit the kids whenever I wanted, we had many suppers together, we would visit & chat long after the kids had been to bed, etc. Through this time, the only topic off limits was her BF/OM, since I decided that as we were now divorced, it didn't matter to me, life goes on. However. when the lustre & shine on the BF/OM started to tarnish, she started confiding in me about how he couldn't decide to leave his live-in girlfriend + 3 kids, and that she had finally had it with him, how she knows that what he tells her is a lot of B-S, etc, etc. She went into a state of depression when this whole affair ended with him, and who was left picking up the pieces? Yes, ME. You can imagine I had mixed feelings about this. I kinda thought to myself: "what the H*** did you expect! WHAT were you thinking anyway?". It was also a bit of a moral victory, since his comings & goings at my front door were a HUGE issue for me during the last stages before separation. I couldn't help thinking to myself: " GOOD, at least you MIGHT learn something!". However, because she stayed out of work for a week, and also had taken a week's leave before that, I felt I needed to support her, and I spent 3 days taking care of her emotions. I spent the entire time with her, we went out for lunch, drinks, long chats, out at night to a club, and so on, to help rebuild her self-image. I was concerned that she might slump into depression & lose her job, or that the kids would suffer as a result of her inability to cope with this emotional trauma in her life. (she has custody). Point is, my 1st instinct was to leave her to suffer, or at the very least to rub it in her face, but I couldn't. I suspect you feel a little like that. You still care, that's obvious. Yours is a more difficult case, since you stbx has had so many confirmed PA's (my ex has 2 PA's, 1 EA) and that she is in drug rehab. My heart goes out to you, as yours goes out to her. Act responsibly helpful, as you are doing now.

I have NO idea how this affects separation thing, but my guess is, she will be too shy/ashamed to take you up on your offer. If she DOES, she will probably try to make it work (not abuse it).
I may be wrong.

muzohead

Pete,

There is another condition that I would stipulate - go to treatment or go to aa (everyday for at least 90 days)

As far as it affecting sep agrmnt - i don't know, may be diff state by state.

It may be both or may not (hitting bottom and playing you)

My WH is feeling some of the natural consequences that have happened and he's reaching out a little more to me. (we live 1200 miles apart so it's all by phone)

God Bless,

D.

Well, it looks like I do not need to worry about this. Apparently, when I told her the conditions, she started to look like crazy for her own apt and job!

Going tomorrow to review sep. agreement prior to her signing. Nothing has changed. This makes me realize that I think this is the best thing for me. I do not think she would ever change.

Yesterday she was yelling at me because I said I will not co-sign a lease for her (she has no credit and has recently bounced two checks in her personal account). Go figure...

Thanks!

Pete

No you were loving, but tough. Read prodigal son parable in Bible. She hasn't had enough to be eating w/the pigs yet.

Stay strong and remember it takes some much longer to hit bottom. I know a lovely friend ofmine, D'd and remarried. Her H no. 1 was the love of her life. They had 1 daughter. He was also victim of substance abuse and discovered it b/c it helped him stay up all night to finish stuuff with his job and troubleshoot/engineer.

She D'd him after going through her inheritance and more. It devastated her. But she remarried a wonderful Christian guy who loves her daughter. Happy? Yes. But unfortunately her X never hit bottom or at least not yet. Way too far gone for even a reconcialation b/c she moved on by then. He is still abusing drugs, fathered twins w/another user. I am praying for you both and for rock bottom to come sooner than later.

I agree with Peachy -

I hear more and more that people have to hit ROCK BOTTOM before they are motivated to change.

Sometimes well meaning people keep getting in the way by trying to prevent the envitable - when they could be helping the process and letting it happen quicker by just getting out of the way - letting the person feel the consequences quicker so that they can get to the bottom faster, so that can start that journey up.

And it would probably affect the agreement, which would be God saying - Let Go and Let God.

K

WGTT, Peach, GIIC:

Thank you ladies for the great words!! It is nice to see not all women are like my STBXW! Where were you when I was single!?! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Muzohead:

I know how you feel! It seems when she leaves every time, she is all teary-eyed. Her life is so bad (according to her), but she never wants to do anything about it.

BTW...she finally got a job. As a waitress in the Golf Club Lounge where she was first started to do drugs/affairs with the young crowd (sort of ironic I think!).

Peach:

Going on three weeks with no cancer sticks. Clothes, car smell much better now! Lost another inch in waist line with exercise. Going to start a "New Beginnings" seminar at local church. So my self improvement stuff is still continuing.

Pete