I find myself hurting and very lonely after seventeen years of marriage. We have been seperated for two months now and I am having a very difficult time dealing with this.<P>The seperation was all my fault as I did not meet her emotional needs, I pushed her away, I did not do anything with her, did not go anywhere with her and so on. I was too wraped up in working around our new place, my job and the bottle wich was controling my life.<P>Before I moved out per her request, we sat down and she told me all of the above. I hurt her very bad and I have told her how deeply sorry I was many times over. Since our seperation I have resolved all the issues and I am a new person and I like the new me. <P>She told me that she does not have the same good feelings for me that she had before and that really hurts me a lot. We see each other two to four times a week for dinner, lunch and try and do something on Saturdays if at all possible. We are going to counseling and has said that she wants to save this marriage, since she does see me and spends time with me I would think that there is no one else in her life and I have asked her that and she tell me no. Is there a reason why she would not tell me at this stage of seperation?<P>I do not know how to read her as she has completly shut me out of her life. I am not allowed over to the house when the kids come over to visit on Sundays, when I am with her she seems so distant and on gaurd so to speek. She went on riding trip today and I asked her if it would be OK to stay at the house with my little dog inplace of binging him where I live as he did not do well here, in round about way she told me no.<P>I have asked her if I could take her somewhere nice for a weekend and she will not go saying that she can not deal with the presure of spending two nights and two days with me. I just do not understand that at all since two people can sleep in the same bed and not engage in sex. I have also asked her if I rented two rooms if we could go somewhere nice for our anniversary that is coming up in two weeks, she never brought it up again to say yes or no.<P>I need a lot of help to try and understand her behavior pattern, is this normal? Is she in the withdrawl stage? Is there anything that I can do to help her get over this? I am fifty eight years old and this very difficult for me this late in life. Please share your thoughts as I am going crazy trying to figure what I should or should not do as I do not want to do anything stupid to screw the whole thing up.<BR>I love her very much and I miss her a lot.<P>Thanks so much for your input

Tkb,<P> I noticed that you are really looking for help. I don't have any advice, since I am currently seperated from my w,since her infidelity. However, alot of the things your w is saying seem to be out of the "cheaters handbook". I would advise you to post on the infidelity "general questions" board. A lot more people use it, so you might get more response, even though yours is not a case of infidelity. The same principles apply and a lot of those folks have been where you are.<P>Arrow<BR>

I was sad when i read your story, but it sounded familiar in some ways so i decided to respond. You need to literally pray for a "miracle" to happen. Ask God to help her fall in love with u again.<P>I have only done this on two occasions during our marriage, and both times it worked. Even with the problems we have, it's love that makes me stay.<P>I do not think she's cheating. I think she's tired of your games. If u stand up on your own two feet, a changed man.....she will notice. I imagine her lack of response to you now is because for years when she responded u didnt listen. And now she's angry and wanting u to pay. <P>Be patient. We women are hard creatures to 'read', as u said. Atleast she's going to counseling. Hang onto that. If she didnt wanna go, it would be much worse new to her.<P>When she feels she can trust u again, and know you've really changed, things will be better. Till then, pray.<P><P>------------------<BR>Heart

Thank you heart for your nice note, I will do what ever it takes to get her back. I just get very frustrated when I do not know what to do or what not do. I just don't want to screw anything up at this point. <BR>I have been praying for the last week and asking God for his help in getting her feelings back, I dearly hope that he hears me and does help her.<BR>Ted

You say the bottle, and I assume you mean alcohol, was one of the wedges in your marriage. Have you tried AA.<P>Pray, not only for her, but also for yourself that you can see yourself truly and that you can become a better partner for her. <P>As long as you're so desparate and needy, she will probably not be attracted to you.<P>I went through similar circumstances after 17 years of marriage and I can understand your pain.

Thanks for your thoughts cinderala, are you guys back together, you never did say.

Dear tkb10000:<BR>It seems to me that your wife (even though you are separated) is still trying in the marriage by seeing you and by going to the marriage counselor. All is not dead or failed. What she is doing is being very very careful. She does not want to fall into the trap of believing you and then you hurt her again. I suppose she has been hurt so much for so long and is very afraid. Things that are good take time. You love her and is showing her that. She needs for you to show her but you also cannot pressure her into getting back into the marriage. If she dealt with all that you had not given her and also with alcoholism, she had alot ot deal with. This is nothing against you. I just am very aware of dealing with alcoholism. It's a very difficult thing to be in when you are the one that is watching your loved one getting drunk and telling you promises that they cannot keep. She probably does not love you like she use to (can't say that she cannot love you the way she use to again), but, because of the hurt that she went through, she built a wall...a very big wall. Things take time. You should be happy that you spend as much time as you do with her. There is hope for you. Don't give up. But, I do suggest taht you do go to AA meetings and show her how much you are willing to change and are changing for the better. You have to have patience. Patience will be taking you in the right direction. Pressuring her will probably only push her away. She has to be ready to come back. She has to feel secure in what she sees in you and how you are treating her. Being hurt can be a very damaging thing to a person's self-esteem, trust, confidence, love towards that person. I wish you all the luck and please be patient with her. Take her places that make her laugh and where both of you can really enjoy yourselves. Taking her to a getting away place such as getting two rooms somewhere only focuses on being romantically together. To her, she is not ready to be that close to you. Her trust is still an issue with you. I wouldn't go either because I would be thinking that the bed is a place where we may end up and it's not a place I would be ready for. Take her to somewhere fun like a comedy club, dancing, etc. Well, at least she didn't say yes or no to your proposal so maybe she's thinking about it. Good luck to you and wish you the best and hope it truly works out. Don't give up.

Sorry it took me so long to get back to this thread.<P>No, unfortunately, I lost the fight to save my marriage. I did, however, gain the fight to save my emotional health. I suppose that is the silver lining.<P>When one partner goes to the counselor and announces that the counselors job is not to help the couple work on the marriage but to convince the other partner that there is life after divorce, the fight is pretty much over before it begins.<P>