My adventures over the last few months has been documented all over the place, and I thought I would give a quick update, and hopefully get some feedback from ya'll.

1. My wife is going to be served tomorrow at her work with the 1st complaint for divorce. While I do not want to be divorced, I know right now that there is nothing that is going to change her mind in her wanting one, and on the advice of my lawyer me filing will help when it all comes around. She has been made aware of everything I have found out through private investigators (someone in my immediate family, I think, was overheard talking.) Regardless, the papers are at the sherrif's office right now, to be served tomorrow.

2. She continues to lambast me with words like 'you are not a man', 'why would spend so much on the PI when you could have asked me', "this is gonna get ugly, you will have nothing when I am done with you." "You are not going to be getting the kids"

Well the reason the PI was involved was so everything was documented for court.

I asked her 100's of times if she was having an affair, and she swore to god, that she wasn't.

I know the D will be messy, from the simple fact that I am dead fast on the issue that our boys would be better at home with me, (she is out until all hours of the early morning, at her new man's house, partying, etc.) She never sees our 7 year old, and just recently had to start getting up in the morning to take our 3 year old to the church preschool. Before that, the 3 year old had free reign of the house, while she slept and I was at work.

I know that alot of times, court finds for custody of the kids to the woman, on principle alone. And I hope I will be able to prove that I have been the primary care giver to the kids, I am the one that does the homework, bathes, feeds, plays, involved in school etc.

I have kept a journal for the last 1 1/2 months of her activities, like when she leaves for work, when she gets home, if she calls or not, gets up in the morning to see the 7 yo off to school, etc. I have personal witnesses from family, her friends that she has alienated, and others about how she treated me during our marriage (very controling), and about how I was always with the boys and taking care of them.

My question, will all I have on her, (Adultry, Being gone till 4:00 am, etc.) be a nice base for the custody of the kids.

I don't want full custody, but joint with me being the custodial parent, because I feel my boys should not be raised by strangers when she plans on moving in with her new man right after the divorce. I don't want child support from her, because I know she will not be able to afford to pay it on her bartender job and his car sales job.

I am NOT trying to be mean to her, in fact I am still very much in love with her, but her parents and everyone else tells me that she is gonna have to fall in order to wake up from her fog, (which I don't think is a fog, she just doesn't want me anymore, stating that our marriage was over 3 years ago). I want her to be happy, but I am not going to sacrifice my kid's welfare so she can. Her man has custody of his two kids, and he lives with them and his mom, and those kids are left with his mother while he is wooing my wife away until 4:00 am.

Any pointers, suggestions, etc? I could really use some support and help right now as my life that I thought was going to be forever is crashing down around me.

Hang in there Georgia,

I teach school, and your so right, if the mommy is a dumb a@@ then the Daddy, needs to step up to the plate. Me being the mommy, I really feel for you. Stand your ground. Mommy always has the advantage so get your duckies in a nice neat row. Then watch her sweat. Maybe that will lift the fog. Kiss your kids extra for her. One day she will thank you for taking care of them.
S

What's up with us GA folk?

Be strong. used a PI first time and got a tape of H and OW walking hand in hand into a fancy restaurant along with his BUSINESS PARTNER WHO KNEW ALL ABOUT IT. Burned me up from inside out. Then got surveillance where confirmed they went to hotel, in same room, stayed all night, etc.

You are doing the right thing. It is hard. God knows it is. Start praying. Start venting here. I did for a long time then got down on myself. GA is a fault state so she'd best get ready for that fall coming one day soon.

Will she change? Will my STBXH change? Will they turn their lives around? Will they one day fight as hard as we are/did now for our family? Get tape by Jennifer Knapp called Lay it Down. She's a great Christian artist but is more like Alanniss MOrrissette but with faith. Lay it down to God, claim your responsibility in your shortcomings you placed in M and then work on it and then lay it down. Do that my friend. Fight the good fight for the kids, but do keep your attitude of not wanting to hurt her. There comes a time when a parent has to be responsible. Responsible for their children's welfare, possible future, and yes, part of being a good parent is making sure WE are healthy and doing well so that we are that kind of parent. Being in a destructive M where someone else trashes the vows God ordained is not condusive to good parenting; puts a huge strain on us. God has given and stated several instances where D is ok, and adultery is one.

I am praying for you, the kids, and for your W to wake up and exit the fog. Just do your best and go to sleep at night w/a clean conscience. Sometimes that's all I can do. Oh and pray.

I just read your post and my advice is to stay on course and not for any reason leave your home. You are not alone and there are many men going through this right now with you. If you love your children and refuse to let them suffer then draw a line in the sand and that’s it. I do know a lot about custody and will be starting a thread on it this weekend for all parents in a custody fight that need advice and to share our experiences. It’s not easy and for me the hardest fight I ever had, but they "my children" are my greatest asset" and worth fighting for.

The thread will read "Custody issues , let all talk"
AdamS

I'm looking around and there is no storm...

Why? Because she hasn't gone to work where the sherrif can serve her!! UGGGG!!!

But anyways, that will happen, but onto things from this weekend.

She left for "work" on Friday around 1 pm, and even though at 5:00 her truck was there, she wasn't. She finally got home Saturday morning around 7:00am.

Oldest son had a ballgame, and I was all set to go to it (I coach) without her. When she opened one bloodshot eye to see me putting on my baseball uni, she asked what I was doing?

"OS, has a game."
Her: " Why didn't you tell me?"
Me: " I tried, but you wouldn't answer your cell."

So she jumps out of bed, and to my disgust/disdain, she has one of HIS t-shirts on. She makes no effort to change it, put on a hat, her slip on addidas, and then tells the boys, LET's GO!

She insists we take both vehicles to the park, which I was planning to do anyway, since I don't wanna ride her and her man's love wagon. The boys go with her, I leave first to get to the park. While at the game, my friend and other coach can not believe she's there, because she rarely would come to the games. He knows all about our situation, as does his mom that comes to the games all the time. His mom must of have told my wife how she thought she was screwing up badly, etc., because in between innings, the wife comes over to me, and asks:

"What's the point of you telling everyone my business? You are trying to make me look like the bad one here."
'Me: " Well I think you are doing a pretty good job of that yourself. I really do not wanna talk about it right now."
Her:: Why not?
Me: " Because everytime we do, it just keeps tearing me to shreds because the woman I love the whole wide world is doing this."

We leave it at that for the day. She is shocked when I tell her after the game that I need to run to the store and get milk, juice, etc. and she says well, drive up here and I will give you the check book. I calmly reply, no, that is ok because I didn't put my paycheck into that acct. And that I had cash on me.

So I get home sat, I picked them all up some McDonoalds, we eat, she lays down for a nap, and gets up for work about 2 hours later. I notice that she is planning on not coming home, as she has packed her contact case and such into her work backpack. So I settle in for the night with the boys, make dinner, bathes, etc. and all three of us cozy up on the couch to watch the Nascar. Needless to say we all fell asleep on the couch.

Sunday morning comes, and even though I was fully expecting it, she was not home. I was crushed And for the first time my 7 y.o. asks where mom is. I tell him I don't know, that she might have stayed out with friends after work. So I leave it at that. 7 y.o. comes up not longer and says, can we go to a movie? I agree, and think it might do me good to get out of the house ASAP so I don't have to keep looking into the bedroom and see the bed the same as the night before. We all get dressed, hustle to the car to leave, I pass her coming home on the main road through town, I don't wave, honk or anything.

Soon my cell rings, and I don't answer it. 10 minutes later, it rings again, and I answer it this time. She asks where I am at, where I am going, why am I going to the movies so early, etc. We end the conversation with us coming home after the movie. Which we did, and whoa and behold, she is not home, and must have left after taking a shower earlier in the day as the caller ID has calls from shortly after talking to her.

She finally calls at 5:00 and talks to the boys, then to me, saying she would be home soon. 2 hours later she comes in. I asked what she did last night, where she went, etc, "I was around" that is all she would say.

After the boys are put to bed she comes outside to me. Here is a reader's digest version.

1. Why would I spend 3000.00 on a PI when I could have used that money for a fence around the house. My response was, I needed to know. She said I already knew what she was doing. The fact of a PI following her "pissed her off"

2. She states that she regrets what she did, that because she has been "unhappy" for over 2 years probably made it easier for her to do it.

3. She see now how she put alot of things before me, and said she would not do that in her next relationship.

4. Whomever she has found out from that I have had a PI, papers done, etc, has basically told her everything I have done, which she says "You thought you could trust her, but she comes back to me with everything." I am still trying to figure out who it is.

5. She says that she doesn't want the divorce to be ugly, that she will leave everything and start over. She mentions that regardless of who gets the kids. Which may be an indication she doesn't want to fight for them.

6. That she is tired of being the strong one, she wants someone to protect her. To stand up for AND to her. Not be like me and let her have free reign.

During the time we talked, I told her that I still love her very much, and I know I am just as much at fault for things that happened as she was, even though she knows I would never have cheated on her. She says she knows she loves me, and that she regrets what she did, but she can't take it back. I told her, there are times that I am angry, very angry, with her, but my love for her is so much stronger then that.

I hinted around that we could get through it all, move if necessary, etc if there was just a little part of her that thought we could fix it and move on. She was unresponsive. Words were batted around that if we could go back in time, both of us would, to fix what happened.

We ended the night around 9:00 because I could tell she was tired. We hugged, and I placed a kiss on her cheek telling her, that even though all this terrible stuff has happened, I love her, that I will be there for her regardless.

So we were civil to each other, I get the feeling that she truly is sorry for the things she did, but feels she is beyond the point of return and torn at the prospect of two men wanting to spend their lives with her, and her fear that I would be unable to get over the affair and my insecurities would be prevailant again.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Hi - I'm sorry you are going this. My only suggestion, in response to #4 in your last post, is that you are disclosing way too much to other people, too many other people. It must be so, because you can't immediately figure out who the leak is.

Well, the other possibility is that she found stuff in the house, and the story about your friend is a smokescreen. If this is a possibility, then you can keep 1 copy of stuff with your lawyer, and 1 copy in a bank safe deposit box, but nothing in the house.

Be especially careful with that diary. I kept one for 9 months, but my wife swiped it before I moved out.

This process can be drawn out, with a lot of details still to cover. If your wife knows too much, it will be used against you. Plus, she needs to experience some of the uncertainty, to have any chance of "waking up" before the divorce.

I've read so much from every marriage website in the world over the last month and my head is about to explode.

One place says to hold on with everything you got, others saying 'it's over..move along...move along." and others are saying to just ignore her for the time being, continue on with your own duties and then go from there.

UGGG!!!

How can a woman go from being civil and remorsful one minute and then into a raving looney toon within two hours?

Why would she regret an affair, but still want to be divorced.

Why would she tell me that I can have the kids and everything and then go to the "You're not getting a damn thing, I can't believe you would spend 3000.00 on someone to have me followed, when you could have put US up a fence around the house, etc."

She has not saved any money to go to a new place. She says she doesn't want the house, I can have it, I have to re-fi it to get it out her name so she can get something else, een though she works as a bartender and will never qualify for something on her own. Even with her commissioned based boyfriend.

Then she turns around and says, I know you will pay for it, so it will only make my credit better.

HELP!~~~~~!!!!!!!! ME UNDERSTAND

Hurting,

Don't beat yourself up about not understanding, its the fog.

My x went from one minute telling me she would do what ever it would take to make things work during a reconciliation to within 5 hrs saying I misundertood.

I think its their inner conflict telling them that it isn't going to be better elsewhere, but yet maybe it will be.

My x too just wanted out, she took nothing but the spare bedroom stuff and a few pots and pans and most of her collectible baskets. She took half of what I evaluated the house to be worth and she took half of part of my pension which is now not doing very well.

She is seeing the kids more often since om is out of the picture.

Here is my dilema today:

Chances are pretty good that today or tommorrow the sherrif will finally catch up to her to serve her the papers.

According to my attorney you always ask for more then what you want in a divorce, the key part for me being, the custodial to the kids, and the house we live in.

I know her reaction when she sees the papers asking for me to be the custodial parent of the boys she is gonna go off the deep end, even though she hinted around to the fact that she wants me to keep the house so the boys' home is intact.

My question when she see I am going for custodial, what should be the ideal response when she begins her "You are not taking the kids away from me, you are trying to make me look unfit."

She is a great mother when she wants to, and over the last few months, she has been little to no mother to them at all. Getting off work around 8:00 pm and immediately heading over to car salesman's house until the wee hours of the morning. No phone calls to talk to the boys, no stopping by (even though she has to pass our house to get to his and his momma's) etc. She's saw my 7 year old more in the last 24 hours then she did all last week, and that is only because she went to his school to eat lunch with him.

She says that these papers that she has caught wind of (the Divorce papers) is only a scare tactic on my end, with me thinking it will somehow make her stop what she is doing and come home to work on things. When in reality is protecting myself as the primary caregiver of the kids, the sole source of income brought into the house for bills, food, etx.

I am so nervous at the confrontation she will erupt when she does get the papers, because:

1. I still love her so much, but know she is totally closed to staying married or even a separation

2. It's breaking my heart to think this is happening to me, her, and the kids.

3. It's the last step, and to her the last straw before she is off into the new world with man she has known for 2 months, whom she plans to marry right after the divorce is final, and plans to move in with him, his 2 kids, and his mother! And it will leave me either without the boys, knowing they are being raised by strangers, I will no longer have the woman of my dreams close by, etc.

Her parents have told her she is making a mistake, and they are telling me to let her go, let her fall, and let her see that the world she was so unhappy in, was in fact the most secure and loving environment she will probably ever have had, and she pissed it away because it was more important for her to "capture what she missed, have a wild life," when she left her mom and Sexually Abusive Step Father, and came directly to me.

And she also has stated that she is tired of being the strong one and wants someone to protect her for once, instead of the other way around. (Which in my book is a total crock, because I didn't know what she did half the time, so how could I protect her? Other then making sure the boys were safe, the bills were paid, and I was home all the time so she could go out with friends, go to her work functions alone while telling everyone that I didn't want to go or we didn't have someone to watch the kids.)