I am terrified that my wife will attempt to take full custody of our children. Even though we currently have a preliminary agreement of 50/50. She continues to use them as a sledge hammer against me for money. But the odd thing is that I have never refused her any money. In fact I have been the person who stated that I wanted them to be able to stay in the house and keep the car that she currently drives. We agreed to a child support/maintanence of $1300, but I only owed $750 or so for support. I keep our boys half time except that since she is a teacher at their school, she keeps them for 3 hours on Monday and Tuesday after school while I finish up work and get home to pick them up. I take off every Friday afternoon since my youngest boy is in kindergarten and gets out at 10:50 on Fridays. This is during a time when everyother week is HER time, but I relish the time I get with my boys. I don't feel that I am sacrificing at all. I am thankful for the time alone with him, and later with my older son as well. She seems to feel that she is doing something "superhuman" in being with them on "my days". I just don't understand. I would give anything to have them with me always.

I told her that if she felt that it was an imposition on her to keep them on those days that I would make arrangements for them to be at the afterschool program where my oldest son used to go even though his mother was in the same building. We stopped the afterschool program because he wasn't getting homework completed. So he would go to her room and "supposedly" do it. But he knew how to manipulate her and he would whine for a couple minutes and she would say he could go play. Insisting that it was in his best interests to go play after school.

But she would also state, almost verbatim, when I questioned this play when schoolwork wasn't getting completed until I got home at 5:30 or 6pm. I thought that it should be done right after school since it would only take about 30 minutes or so and he had about 2 hours before she typically left for home.

She replied at least two separate times "Why should I be punished and make him do his homework?" she felt 'punished' because she was responsible for him sitting down and getting his work done. She didn't even have to help him, just tell him to sit his tail down and get to work. But he knew how to manipulate her, and he would whine or beg and she would let him go to avoid dealing with it. This occurred for about 2 years.

I am so scared. I know that men are at a disadvantage for custody, and I am not asking for full custody. Just equal. I would love to have them all the time, but I don't want to hurt them by taking them from her nor do I want to put them through a custody battle. I will if she leaves me no choice, and at that time I will pull out all the stops. I have so much damning stuff on her it is pitiful. I absolutely don't want to use ANY OF IT. If I wanted to hurt her, I could have done it a thousand times over by now. I want only to have my boys and start living my life in peace.

I just want to leave things alone and get on with my life. My friends and family think I should take it all the way. I feel like I am fighting her and them trying to protect my children all the while. I don't want my boys to find out about this kind of stuff. They need if nothing else, the charade that their mother has some sort of morals and they need confidence that they won't be betrayed by her again. Even though they may never understand just how betrayed they have already been by her. They will never have a whole family, because she jumped across the line with both feet and kept right on running. Setting up local affairs to make up for the long distance one that was too hard to maintain, other than via email.

I just don't want to loose my boys. That is all. I believe that all she wants is money. I truly do. She says that it is not the case, but everytime money comes up, she brings up what she is doing for our boys and her 'concerns' about me. She absolutely knows that I am a great influence on them. She knows that I am a good daddy. I only care about my boys. Nothing about the money. If she could just see that we could both be happy. But she just can't believe me when I say that because it would be so foreign for her to think that way if the roles were reversed. She would be railing against me and trying everything in her power to hurt and demoralize me in front of everyone. In essence, that is what she is trying to do, just from the wrong side of the issue.

Any ideas on how to deal with someone that holds the most important thing you have over your head like this?

<small>[ September 06, 2002, 08:23 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

FC - Record everything that your wife says does that you may be able to use later.

Also, the court will normally keep the status quo with the kids - which means if you have them 50% of the time and they are doing ok, then they should keep the status quo.

Just make sure that you have your 50% every month - or a reason why you didn't - like say because you had your wife watch the kids instead of you hiring a babysitter.

Also, the courts want the kids to have STABILITY. This means a regular schedule as much as possible.

My ExH has a schedule that changes every month with regard to the days he works and he works days and nights. The kids can't handle this and the court wants the kids to have a consistency in their lives, so the court will set a fixed schedule and then if ExH can't adjust then I will have them. Oh and my ExH is the person who actually makes the schedules so he could choose to do it any way he wanted.

So, try to form a stable, consistent environment and keep the kids 50% of the time. Keep a written schedule for the court to look back on, and write down any other concerns that you have about your W.

Also, try to do as many of the traditional "mom" things as you can - volunteer at school, take the kids for hair cuts, dental visits, doctor appointments, etc.

Hope this helps. K

<small>[ September 05, 2002, 11:25 PM: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</small>

Formerly,

I guess it depends on what state you are in as to how they look at things the ws does. Here in Ohio, x could be living with a football team and that wouldn't matter.

You would have to prove she is an unfit mother, taking drugs, child abuse, etc. Her personal life, no matter how crappy of an influence on the kids is her business alone. Sorry! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Keep on doing what you are doing and DOCUMENT everything you do and she does or not do. You may need proof you are involved.

I understand why you are giving her extra money, but you may be making her too comfortable. INstead of giving her money, why don't you spend the money on the kids, you get them what they need and want.

Let her feel some of the ramifications of getting divorced. She probably makes good/decent money so it isn't like she would be destitute would she if you stopped?

Hang in~

I can't say it any different than GIIC and RWD said. Documenting is the best thing you can do. I would add to their list of *to do things*, would be to keep close contact with the teachers and go to meet them and find out about the homework and what's expected. Remember -- the MORE people you have on your side should your ex try to play the *let's play custody fight* game, you'll be prepared and in an excellent position to represent *your* side.

I'd like to say that your post was very heart-wrenching. The *wanting* to retaliate and *prove* the wrongs is very normal in ending a relationship (especially one where you are hurt the way you are and the kids are used as pawns to gain leverage). All I can say is I'm so sorry yet another person has to deal with this. I found through my experience and those of others, that if your ex is doing the *blame* game, it usually is a sign they are realizing the wrongs and trying to shift the blame to feel less guilt.

I know how hard it is to not say anything to the kids about the other parents behavior. Realize that at the end of the day it is YOUR behavior that is more important. Actions speak way louder than words. There was a time where I felt that I *couldn't* discipline my children because the ex would use it against me. What I found out was NOT disciplining my children resulted in far worse things than my fear of my ex (i.e. son hacking into my computer and getting information for my ex for court battles instead of me standing up for ME and limiting computer use and trusting him implicitly).

You asked what you could do when someone holds what you hold dear to your heart....your kids. Remember to keep focused on THEM through all of this and not the ex's behavior with the new flavor of the month. The kids will figure out *Mom* in their own time...what you want them to have is consistency of a caring parent who has THEIR best interests at heart.

It’s not very likely that your wife will be able to get full custody of your children. The courts today recognize that children need both parents. They work very hard to keep both parents involved. A good custody evaluator will be able to help you maintain the agreement you have now.

You need to take the wind out of her sails. Here’s what I’m talking about.

It is important that you take total responsibility for you children when it’s your time with them. So if your wife complains about them staying at school with her, make other arrangements. Be sure to not make any negative remarks to her as to why you are doing this.

As you are doing, spend as much time with your children as you can. Offer to be her babysitter. What ever it takes.

As for the homework issue, pick your battles better. Do not tell her what to do with the children when they are with her. Even if it is her day. This looks very controlling. Just know that homework will be done after you get home. It’s only 30 minutes and it will help you keep abreast of their schoolwork.

It’s not really true that men are at a disadvantage for custody any more. Many men are winning custody when they have a good case. Otherwise it’s usually 50/50.

Are there divorce papers filed already? If so then you have a status quo established and the courts are not likely to change it. If not you may want to file so that you can get the custody agreement set in writing.

You may also want to reduce the amount of child support you are paying. Overpayment will win you nothing. You can better use that money to take care of your children when they are with you. By giving her more it appears to me that you are saying that she is more of a parent then you so you should help her more. Don’t think that’s that case. Plus, once you’ve established a pattern of paying more, the courts will probably never allow you to pay the lesser amount.

I know it’s scary from your point of view right now. Your wife is probably pretty scared too. Chances are that you will not to fight her or use any ugly stuff against her. Generally, today the courts don’t give a hang about all that ugly stuff anyway. They will often not even allow it to be brought up. Usually it only counts when there is a danger to the children… alcohol and drug. And it has to be proven…accusations don’t hold water. The courts don’t care if your wife has loose morals or not.

”My friends and family think I should take it all the way.”

Friends and family always say that. They are not in the mist of it and do not often realize the harm it will cause the children. It is important for children to have a good image of both parents because the parents are a part of them. If a parent is ‘bad’, then the kids see themselves as ‘bad’.

My husband has custody of his two children. He was able to get it based on his ex’s provable alcohol and drug abuse. And she did not see the children for months after she left them. But he still works hard to make sure they have some contact with her.. for their sake. And we work very hard to help them see reality and still love her in a healthy way.

Teaching your children how to handle all of this is the only way you will be able to protect them as they will still be with their mother part of the time. Our society does not care that she had affairs. The courts do not care. It’s hard to swallow but it’s reality.

Harley says that children should be told of affairs. I agree. Otherwise they remain confused about what is going on around them. This does not mean they need every gory detail but just that mom left dad because she was seeking other men. Dad asked her to stop and be a family and she choose otherwise.

“ I believe that all she wants is money. I truly do.” That’s a harsh statement that I’ve heard almost all parents who pay child support say. My ex-husband says that about me. But I’d do the same as I have done even if he’d never given me a penny in child support.

And generally people on the receiving end of child support say that the only reason the other parent wants more time with the children is to reduce the amount of child support they pay.

“Any ideas on how to deal with someone that holds the most important thing you have over your head like this?” I really don’t see in your post where your wife his holding the children over your head. It sounds to me like you both have different parenting styles and you are not happy that she will not do it your way. It also sounds to me like you are very frightened that you will loose your children. This is understandable. You have lost your wife and you don’t want to loose anyone else.

You say that you happily take the children during ‘her time’. Good for you, that’s being a good father. She complains that she has the boys after school during ‘your time’. Well that ok too because she has a different view of how time sharing works.

My attorney advised me to make sure that I took total responsibility of our son when he is with me. And that I insist that his father do the same. Until I did that, my exH was playing all sorts of ugly games with our son and me. Once the rule was set and adhered to, things got a lot better.

I’ve venture to say that you are ok. That the 50/50 balance would be maintained by the courts. They love status quo. It’s been going on for 2 years you say? Sounds like status quo to me.