I am 35 years old and my husband and I have been together for six years married for four. Our daughter is five and a half months old.<P>Living in a remote part of Africa, I had to go back to Europe to have my daughter. On my return, I found out that my husband has been having an affair with porn ever since we got married.<P>I use the word "affair" because of the secrecy of his usage. <P>I felt very threatened by the perfect bodies as I had just had a baby. I also felt very insecure because for a while now he has not been keen to have sex with me and he seems to be so emotionally detached from me and my daughter. And finally I felt alienated from him as it is something that he says he had no intention of telling me about, although a number of our friends knew about it.<P>After a fairly heated discussion he assured me that it has nothing to do with our relationship but is something that he has always done and something that many people have no problem with.<P>When I asked why he felt he couldn't tell me he said that he was sure that I would have disapproved because while we were courting I mentioned in a conversation that I felt porn was exploitative of women and I had a real problem with the abuse of children and animals.<P>When I asked whether he felt that our daughter or the birth had contributed to anything, he scoffed at the idea. When I asked if he was satisfied with our sex life, he stated that sex with me was great. When I asked if he still found me attractive he said yes.<P>I am down to 60kgs, can fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes and according to a male acquaintance would still catch a wink and a smile in a crowded pub. Before my pregnancy, I was the managing director of a company and although I am at home now, I still read the net for news and am able to discuss my husband's problems etc with his business. In short, I still feel like an attractive person in all respects with something to offer. So why do I feel so insecure and threatened by my husband's actions?<P>I have heard all the arguments about how porn can enliven a marriage, how many people do not have a problem with it and am assured by him that he stays far away from material that involves children. He feels that his involvement is something that should not make me feel threatened or insecure as he does not attach any of that sort of significance to his use of it, and he views it as perfectly normal. For these reasons, he maintains that he sees no problem with continuing to use porn and that how I feel is my problem.<P>And while that is strictly speaking true, the fact that he visits his porn (where there are no relationship hassles, no need for foreplay, all the variety you could want etc)far more often than he visits me; the fact that he is not that interested in having sex with me; and the fact that he is not prepared to modify his ownership or usage of porn despite knowing that it makes me feel threatened and insecure largely because of where we are in our relationship, makes me doubt the validity of his assurances.<P>Whichever way I look at it, I can't shake the thought that I am not enough for him and that he needs these "other women" for sexual arousal and sexual release. In a funny way I feel like I am competing for his sexual favours and get a "clutch" in my stomach when I think about it. In short, it feels like he is having an affair.<P>Although I have apologised for my tearful outburst the issue has become a "hot" one and he is not open to discussing a workable compromise with me.<P>I feel hurt, angry and anxious and am at a loss as to how I should handle the issue from here. <P>Am I just being prudish and neurotic?

my thoughts have always been that if one partner does something that makes the other partner uncomfortable, it is not good for the relationship...<P>you need to somehow talk this out and come to some agreement....or it will fester in you and come out later, maybe years, in you leaving, or having an affair, or some other marriage killing behavior.....<P>his behavior is marriage killing also...is it not?? <P>YOU MUST communicate with him.....somehow, someway, or you will just suffer in silence.....<P>(((tosca)))

Dear stilldreamin<BR>thanks for your response!!! <P>The question is how do I talk about these issues with a view to finding a compromise?<P>I have "blotted my copy book" with my initial response of shock because I "overreacted" in my husband's eyes. Since then I have tried to explain how his actions make me feel: that somehow I am not enough for him and that perhaps he finds me unattractive. And he has dismissed this as rubbish.<P>Recently he has shifted to saying that I am entitled to my feelings and that he doesn't want to see me miserable. I have tried to explain the connection between his actions and the response they cause in me and that for his words to have validity, is he prepared to compromise on his actions?<P>He responded with the fact that with him being so busy at work now, he does not have the same free time on his hands and therefore his actions, which he insists are normal for men, have decreased. <P>Perhaps this should be enough. But I still get the distinct impression that he has not been able to "walk a mile in my moccasins" (as I have not been able to walk in his!!) and that all we have managed to do is secure a short-term solution that will leave an unresolved "bump" under the carpet.<P>Is it unreasonable of me to ask that he give up his activities entirely for a period of say six months while we try and look at the relationship, build some togetherness and try to deal with my feelings of insecurity in the marriage by building in other things so that I can more objectively look at what it is he wants to be free to do?<P>

tosca,<P>First, your feelings are understandable, let's start with that. However, you have said that he has been involved with porn for a long time, I am guessing before you were married. So what he gets out of it has been going on for a long time.<P>Now you could ask/insist that he give it up of 6 months, but you would probably be setting yourself up to be lied to. So that doesn't seem like such a hot idea. However, maybe you can negotiate something else. I'll get to that in a moment.<P>Let's talk about you not feeling attractive to him. I am a male, so I have some idea of what I speak. My bet is that you are very attractive to him, but there may be several factors going on here. <P>I am going to assume that before the pregnancy, you were satisfied with your sex life. I am also assuming during that time he was looking at porn. Do you see where I am going. The porn is not really a substitute for you. However, the fantasy of the porn and perhaps particular acts, may be attractive to him although he would never ask you to engage in these acts.<P>I will say that while men look at "perfect" bodies, they do compartmentalize pretty well. They don't expect the W to be that way, and in all honesty would be very uncomfortable if she were. Further, what attracts many men to porn is the fantasy and the illusion of enthusiastic women wanting sex and willing to expose themselves.<P>So let us get back to you. I hope I don't offend you, but has it ever occured to you to look at some of this stuff with him. In some ways it will demystify the attraction. Further, you might get a better idea of what drives this desire in him. Also pay attention to the timing of using the porn. <P>If it is late a night or other times, it may mean that he would like to have sex, but doesn't want to bother you or he is really too tired but the libido is still working.<P>Finally, after having a baby, the W is usually very involved with the new child. She is tired. Men do pull away at this time. One reason they don't want to bother the W and the second is that they feel neglected.<P>Now as you have stated you do want to be near him so think about all of this. Talk with him about it. You are not going to change an addiction until he is ready to do it, but you may be able to lessen the attraction.<P>Finally, he may be rebelling against what he thinks is an "ultimatum" to change himself. People don't like that, and obviously he is very proud that he uses porn or he would have told you. <P>So Tosca, my recommendation is don't panic, but examine this in a calm manner. Talk to him in a calm manner, maybe look at some of this stuff (you probably won't find it interesting), but look to see what it is that attracts him. Be aware that often times it is the enthusiasm which is the real fantasy of porn.<P>Finally, realize that most men find the female body very attractive and when given any chance will look. But most never take it further other than with their spouse or GF.<P>Hope this helps some.<P>JL

Dear Just Learning<BR>Thanks for your message. It was good to hear about men being able to compartmentalize and also that the world of fantasy etc can be separate from the world with the wife. It helps to depersonalize things to be reminded that a man's perspective is different.<P>I have since managed to have a further discussion with him where he volunteered that doing things behind my back is "marriage killing" and he apologized for that. <P>That was really a load-lifter as it was the "many of the friends knew and I was the last to know feeling" that was the hardest to take. It was also difficult to accept that if we differ in the future on anything he may well be tempted to handle it the same way. To know that he has accepted that he does not want to was very reassuring. <P>However, we are still stuck with the porn and I don't know if I will get to the point where I will feel comfortable sharing any of it with him, although I have looked at it to see. I am also not sure that he really wants that. But at least we are talking about it.<P>Accepting for the timebeing that this is something he needs to do apart from me, I did "trade" with him with something I would like to do so that I feel in myself that the whole situation is a little fairer.<P>At the same time, I expressed my sadness that he was working so hard for the right to do "separate things" when we could be working on "together things". He has agreed to talk about this when he comes back from a business trip and to think while he is away about what we could do.<P>Your points about being calmer etc are very valid!!!!! and noted.<P>So wish me good luck!! If we can introduce more "togetherness" perhaps the novelty/fun of being on his own may lose some of its attraction......

tosca,<P>You wish is my desire. Good Luck.<P>I seems to me you have handled this situation very well and so has your H. Suggesting to me that he certainly doesn't want to replace you with some fantasy.<P>As for the porn, well you may be right, if his needs are met and he is happy as are you, then the desire for it may well lessen, if not go away.<P>Good Luck and God Bless,<P>JL